The past
by chicagopd99
Summary: This is a story focused on jay's past that will come back to haunt him . There is a lot of action, jealousies, undercover situations, disputes.. We'll see a lot of Mouse and Jay, but also many Erin and jay and the evolution of their relationship. However this is the first time that I 'm writing a story in English. I'm french so there might be some mistakes. Please be tolerant ;)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

The team was standing a few meters away from the house. They'd receive the information that the pyromaniac was standing in there.

'Okay this is a big house so Dawson and Ruzek you're taking the back door! Halstead and Lindsay take the est door! Al... you're with me. Oh and before you guys go … every body goes home tonight ! Am I clear ?' Voigt became more than careful since Jules. Her death affected him more that he would admit it. He wasn't sure anymore about his skills as a Sergent of this unit.

Everybody nodded before they take their positions. This case wasn't a usual one. This pyromaniac killed his victims by burning them alive in a house or while purging them in chemical. They hadn't much informations about the killer because each clues were burning with the house and the victims.

Erin was just behind jay and put her hand on his shoulders so that he knew she had his back. They entered carefully in the building and pointed their guns. Each one took a different path so that they could clear the area faster.

'clear' erin whispered as she exit a room so she could continue to an another.

Jay however entered in a bathroom. He stopped, released his arms and lowered his gun. He just stood there and glanced at the bath. Before he could even say 'body' he heard someone from behind. And a shot rang. He felt himself fall with a pain on the top of his arm.

'god damnit' he yelled as he glanced from his arm to the man who shot him. The bullet didn't enter, just scratched him. Still it hurted him and he could feel the blood running out.

Erin heard everything and instinctively looked behind her. She felt her blood freeze when she saw the man who was trying to shoot once more at his partner. Fear came into her and then the rage. Fortunatly for her but also for jay there was no more bullet in the man's gun. So he dropped it and started to run away. He was immediatly caught by erin who pressed him against the wall. She quickly took her handcuffs and tied one of his hand to the radiator's bar so he couldn't escape. Once done she ran to the bathroom, and quicly look at the body that was lying in the bath in some chemical. It was a work of the pyromaniac sought. They had already deal with such death this week but it was beginning to do a lot.

However after less than two seconds of watching the body, she turned fully her attention to Jay. He was in a sitting position and was beggining to stand up on his feet.

" Jay " she began to say as she reach over him to help him getting up. "Who... Slow down you've just been shot"

She began to inspect all of his body with fear in her eyes to find where the bullet had touched him. Jay couldn't help but smile at the worry erin he would just face. Okay it was kind of normal since he was his partner but still it made him smirked.

"I'm fine Erin... the bullet just scratched me... I think I'll be okay. Apparently he doesn't know how to use a gun".

Erin let out a sigh that she didn't know she was holding. She was definitly relieved.

Once he picked up his gun that he dropped earlier he approached the man and looked him right in the eyes. He didn't let any emotions appear through his eyes.

«So eager to leave me already Lucky Luke ? » he asked « That a shame because I have a lot of plans for you and me » he continued before he grabbed him and started to walk out the house followed by Erin. Once outside they met the team while jay kept walking forward the police car and trewing him in it. When he came back to the team he wince as he looked down to his arm. The team was looking at him wince. Once he looked up to the team he hid his whatever face he had before breaking silence. He looked at them.

« Come on guys I'm fine » he smiled nervously knowing that neither of them believed him.

« Erin drop him to the hospital on your way back to the intelligence. » Voight said as he stepped toward his own car « I'll meet y… » He was cut by Jay

« That's not necessary I assure you I'm more than fine. I endured much more » Everyone knew he was reffering to his past in Afghanistan. Jay doesn't like when people dramatize a situation when it's not necessary. All he wanted to do was doing his job and that started with the interrogation of the man who shouted him. Voight stopped and turn around to face Jay.

« I didn't rememeber asking you Halstead! I don't have time to argue with you. We have six bodies and a pyromaniac who is still in the air. So move your ass to that damn hospital and you'll come back when your arm will be stitched. » Voight looked at him intensely. He had this thing in his eyes that nobody would face on. Nobody except Halstead. There were both man with temperament. However both of them respected each other. But Voight was his boss and if Jay wanted to keep his job he would have to obei. So he sighed and walked toward the car. « You coming lindsay ? ».

CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD

The drive at the hospital was silent. Jay was in the passenger sit as usual and looked out the window to watch Chicago. He was deep in his thoughts. Erin was driving. The silence made her uncomfortable and nervous not knowing what he was thinking about.

« You never talk about… you know… » she said as she watched the road. She was referring to Afghanistan.

Jay looked at her confused « what do you mean? ». He knew where she was getting at but he didn't want to talk about it. So he played the "confused man" hoping that she would go with it. Erin didn't answer. She knew him to well. When we was acting like that she wouldn't push.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Erin glanced one last time at Jay as she parked the car in the parking lot of chicago med.

She stepped out of the car but noticed that she wasn't followed by jay. She turned back and knocked at the window. "are you coming?" she asked jay interrupting his thoughts. "Mhhh... yeah I'm coming" he said as he unlocked his belt and got out. He put his hands in his pockets and walked toward the entrance.

It was a quiet day in the hospital. Usually it's very difficult to have an appointment when you're not in a serious situation. Today seemed like all the nurses were ready to hurt someone just to have something to stitch. Erin walked forward the reception and ask for someone to take care of her wounded partner.

" Jay?" Will asked as he just came out of a surgery. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been hurt at the arm. But it's nothing. I just need some stitches so I can go back to work as fast as I can." Jay said annoyed.

"It's not nothing Jay. Just stop minimize the situation" Erin snapped.

"I'm not..." Jay was cut off by Will.

"Okay okay... I'll check it out. Both of you come with me". They nodded.

Erin followed Will and walked past Jay after throwing him a glance. Jay could tell she was a pissed.

Will washed his hands and put some gloves on. He took the material for suture while Jay tried to take off his shirt. However he was having difficulties because of his injury. So erin stepped toward and helped him. Once his shirt was over she quickly glanced at his well built body. Maybe a little to much. But she wasn't staring... she just noticed some scars and a burn mark that was on the right side of his body. She noticed that Jay caught her looking at him. She looked away as fast as she could hoping that she wasn't blushing and let out a cough. Will approached Jay and looked at the injury.

"Whoa... Jay this is definitly not nothing. It's deep. It surprises me that it's not disturbing you… Because it should." Will stated as he shot a confused look at Jay. Erin was getting more and more anxious. She was happy that Voight forced Jay to go check out his arm at the hospital.

"Like I said before I endured so much worst Will. for this kind of injury I usually put a bandage and..."

" Well not this time big brother. I know that you don't like when people take care of you... " he was cut by Jay

"...because I… " This time it was Jay's turno to be cut

"… can do it myself yeah I know" Will said raising an eyebrow. "Did you call Allie ?" he watched Jay with questionned eyes.

There was a silence. "tell me you called her Jay" Will asked again.

" Nop. I don't want to scare her. It's not like I've been really shot." Jay declared as he shoot him a look. "And she doesn't need to know"

Again there was silence.

Erin looked down at her feet. She was feeling bad that her partner has been shot. She was supposed to have his back. And the fact that Allie wouldn't be informed just make her worst. Will noticed the tension that invaded the room. So he decided to appease it by changing the subject.

"So did you caught him at least ?"

"Erin did..." Jay said with a smile as he looked up to erin

It was Erin's turn to look up " Yeah I did actually..." Erin claimed as she shrugged her shoulders and let out a sigh. "What do you want me to say? I'm a bad ass"

"Yes you are Love" Jay smirked and deepened his glance at Erin before he wince. « Ouch » He said as he looked down at his arm that Will would take care.

"Oh so you're more than fine with this kind of injury but when it comes to a little niddle it's suddently to much ?". Will asked amused.

It make Erin laugh. Jay glanced at her not amused at all.

"Well those _little niddle_ are the worst doc!" He retorted as he looked at his brother.

"Okay tough boy… it's done" Will said smilling and stepping back « you can go to work now… just don't push to hard ! Erin take care of him even if he doesn't want to he needs it »

"Always..." Erin said looking at Jay with a small smile.

There was a silence...

Jay smiled and looked down before he stood up. He was now felling uncomfortable.

"Okay let's go Halstead". She added breaking silence as she walked toward the exit door. Jay instantaneously followed erin.

She however looked behind her shoulders. She stopped and crossed her arms making Jay almost got into her. "Humm… don't you think you're forgetting something ?" Erin said as she raised one's eyebrows while Will laughed with despair.

"Oh yeah my shirt" Jay answered unconfortably. He backed up and put his shirt on. Once done he waved his hand at Will and steeped out of the room. Erin followed him still laughing about what just happened. They headed toward the car and Jay sat in the passenger side.

"Now I'm gonna enjoy having a little chit-chat with this Lucky Luke guy". He said satisfied.

"Just slow down a little bit okay ? I mean it. This could have been so much worst". Jay could feel the emotion in her voice.

"Don't worry Love I know what I'm doing"

"Stop calling me _Love"_

"Why not ? Does it embarassing you?" he asked with a seductive grin

"It does actually" she glared at him

"Huh… Doesn't take much to troubling you" he whispered.

She struck his shoulder

"Ehh… I've been hurt remember"

"Well you still have one shoulder free don't you ?"

"Don't push me Love ! This is a dangerous ground" he said with his same grin.

The walked into the intelligence still laughing at each other.

"Well hello detective Lindsay" Platt said with a big smile

Erin shook of the head and smiled at her as she head for the up stairs.

"Hello to you to beautiful" Jay declared looking the desk sergeant.

"Funny" Platt retorted suddently losing her smile as she tidied some paperwork not even looking at jay once.

Jay let out small laugh not understanding why she always was nice to erin and so cold to him. He decided to drop it and headed toward the stairs.

Erin was heading to Molly's next to Kelly who was holding his hand. They didn't receive more information from the lucky luke guy. Their interrogation time hasn't been much productive. But they would try again the next day. When she entered the bar she noticed that Jay was sitting in a table with Allie and Mouse. They were talking and laughing. She decided not to join them because first she didn't want to interrput their talking and well… she wasn't in fond of Allie. She didn't know why... She just couldn't stand her with her long blond hair and her big smile. So she decided she would sit at the bar with Kelly. On her way she heard someone screaming her name. She recognized the voice and groanned knowing that it was Allie's. Both kelly and Erin glanced at each other before Kelly took her hand and headed toward the table where they were all sitting.

"Hey" they both said in the same time.

Jay made a face when he saw kelly holding his partner's hand. He shook his head to take away the thoughts at the both of them together and simulated the best smile he could.

"Hey" he said as he nodded toward them before finishing his beer.

"Come on join us" Allie added

"Hum… maybe they just want to spend the together Allie." Jay looked down his empty beer before looking up to Erin. He was hoping they would...He wasn't sure he would be able to watch them cuddling all the night in front of him.

"No it's fine actually we can join you. Right Babe" Kelly stated as he glanced over Erin. She let appear a small smile and nodded. Jay groaned internally before he stood up.

« I'm gonna command some drinks I'll be right back. »

« Wait …I'm going with you » Mouse said. He followed Jay at the bar.

« 6 shots of tequilla Gabby please » Jay asked giving her a little wink. Gabby nodded and smile at him.

« Why ? We are five… » Mouse asked confused

Jay didn't respond. He just watched gabby as she poured the rest of the empty botel in one shot and throwing it in the trash before she went in the back of the bar to get a new one. Meanwhile jay immediatly took the shot that was in front of him and drank it. He then turned back his attention to erin as kelly kissed her softly before he headed toward his coworkers to say hello. Mouse noticed the look Jay shot at them and smiled. "don't tell me you have a thing for her ?"

"mhhhh ? What ? No ! God Mouse!" He made a face before he continued "she's my partner and best friend. I just... don't trust that guy you know... He's a womanizer. I just don't want her to get hurt."

"Jay she's old enough to take care of herself. And until she asks you your opinion you are not gonna say anything. You understand ? Just focus on your relationship with Allie. She is a good person you know"

"Yeah you're right" Jay said as he put one of his hand on mouse's shoulder and squeezed it.

 _Meanwhile…_

"So... how long have you been dating Kelly ?" Allie asked Erin.

"Five month in a week." Erin said with a fake smile as she was waiting for her drink. She didn't know how long she would support her partner's girl friend. She felt bad that she had to pretend with her. Allie was a nice person and erin has nothing to hate her.

"Whoa that's a long time. It's been 2 month now that Jay and I are back together. God I didn't realized I missed him so much until recently. He's a handsome guy." She said as she looked at Jay with bright eyes. Now Erin didn't just want her drink… she needed it.

Erin noticed that Jay caught Allie's eyes as he smiled at her. She couldn't deny the fact that there was love in his eyes. She was interrupt in her thoughts by Kelly coming back. He placed his arm around her waist and she take advantage of it by placing a tender kiss on his lips. While Jay and Mouse came back with the shots Jay saw her kissing him and quickly turn his attention away.

« Yeahhh finally » Allie said putting her arms around Jay's neck and placed a hard kiss on his lips. He looked shocked at first but quickly kissed her back putting one of his hand on her cheek and the other and her waist. Erin watched them and then glanced down to the shot that was standing right in front of her. She took it and drank it. She searched for another one but they were all taken. So before Kelly could drink his she took it from his hold and drank it as fast as she could.

"go ahead drink mine" Kelly said sarcastically.

"Sorry" she smiled at him.

Mouse looked at Erin and laugh to himself "It's gonna be interesting tonight" he thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

Jay was heading to the intelligence when he saw his team going out.

« What's going on » he asked confused as he followed them.

He could see the worry in Erin's eyes as she passed him quickly, running toward the car.

« There is another house on fire. We'll meet the 51 down there. They're trying to turn it off but it seems more complicated then it should be » Antonio said. He stopped Jay on his way to the car and glanced at Erin before glancing at him. « There are some firefigthers trapped in the basement. ». Jay finally understood Erin's behaviour. She was scared that Kelly was one of them. He let out a sigh. These firestorms were starting to seriously piss him of. So he caught up the delay he had and ran toward the car thinking to himself that there would be some serious damages and more victims that it should be.

The drive to the house was silent and full of apprehension. There would be there in 5 but still Erin drove faster than she should, never leaving her eyes off the road. Jay could feel her partner on the edge.

« I'm sure severide's okay Erin. » he said as he looked at her.

« You don't know that » she snapped at him, not even looking at him. So Jay shut his mouth and looked away. There was a silence.

« I'm sorry. It's just… I hate that you know… » she said softer, this time looking at him.

« yeah… » he said as he placed his hand on her's -which was on the gearshift- and squeezed it. She could feel the shills travelling all over her arm.

 _This is wrong right ? I'm with kelly and I have feelings for him_ she said to herself. So she decided to change gear so that Jay would take away his hand. And that exactly what happened. Jay hurriedly move his hold from Erin's hand.

He had to stop doing that for the good of both of them. Plus he noticed that Erin didn't feel comfortable with this. So he promised to himslef that it would be the last time he would make contact with her. Even if it would be very difficult, (because both of them were used hugging each other or thumping the top of the other's shoulder or even take a hold of the other's hand just for letting him know that the he was here and had his back) it had to stop. They were both in a relationship and even if it was harmless they both knew that wasn't professional.

They were a few meters from the house know. Both of them never saw a such devastated place. The area has been evacuated. There was explosions because of the fire. There were flames everywhere. Even the firefithers protected themself behind the truck.

« What the hell » Jay said definitely shocked by what was happening.

Erin was speechless. She stopped the car on the middle of the road, unlocked her belt and get out as fast as she could.

« Erin wait… » Jay yelled as he unlocked his belt, but it was to late, Erin was already heading toward the firefighter.

She was searching Severide but was nowhere to be see. She headed toward Chef Boden.

« where is Severide ? » she asked while she was trying to hold the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes.

Boden quickly looked at her and then at the house again before anwering

« He's still in there »

Erin was soon joined by Jay who watched the scene that was standing right in front of him. He was spinning around himself to saw all the firefighters moving in all the directions. Some of them were trying to put out the nearest flames, others had ladders and ropes while others were trying to work out a plan to extract those who were still stuck in the basement.

« Chef we have a plan. We are ready to roll out » Casey statted.

« Alright, everyone follow Casey and take them the hell out of here. » Boden yelled to all the firefhighters. They all nodded and ran toward the house in fire.

Erin watched them going in with anxiety.Jay wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that everything would be just fine but she was right, he didn't know that for sure, plus he promised himself that he wouldn't do that anymore in respect for her and Severide, it wasn't even the good place to that. Not in front of all Severide's coworkers. That would be wrong he thought. So he just put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. This time erin didn't flinch. But she didn't look at him either.

It has been a minute or two now since they all headed in the house and still nothing happened and no one came back. Suddently an explosion came out from the basement. This caused everyone to stepped back and protected themself with their arms. Jay envelopped his arms around erin to protect her. He didn't know why he did that but he just did it. Maybe because she didn't react when the explosion happened. Once it ended, she became speechless and her jaw dropped. She was about to stepped forward the house when Jay caught her arm and stopped her. She turned her head to face Jay and was ready to get rid of his hold but noticed that Jay wasn't looking at her anymore but behind her. So she turned back her attention to the house and saw Severide appear, holding one of his man by the waist while his man had his arm around severide's shoulder.

A smile emerged from her lips. « Kelly » she whispered with relief. She deviated her attention to Jay. He let go of his hold and saw her still smiling. « Thank you » she whispered as she looked him right in the eyes. He knew she didn't just thanked him for stopping her but for being here with her. He smiled back and gave her a little wink. « Always, Love ». He shut his mouth realizing how he just called her. Some habits can't be replaceable. There was a silence.

« Well… go find your boyfriend » he said as he pointed his head at Severide. She smiled at him one last time before stepping backward still facing him and turn her heels toward Severide. Jay watched her running into him for a hug. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he put one hand on his hand on her back and the other and her neck's back. Jay turned his body in direction of his car, glanced one last time at them before leaving the scene.

Erin walked up the stairs of the intelligence. It was quiet in there. She saw her team at each of their desk trying to find a link between all the victims. There would have 3 firestorms this week and 7 victims now. It was always the same operating mode. But they wouldn't find any link between the victims.

« How is Severide ? » Antonio asked erin as soon as he saw her.

« He's a little shake up by the event but he'll be fine. » she said as she saw Voight getting out of his office, looking at her «I dropped him at chicago med where one of his own has been admitted with serious damages. We don't know if he will make it out… » She added.

Jay didn't looked up. He was focus on his job. He hated when it came to firestorms. So he decided to concentrate on the little information they had.

« So hum… I stayed with the 51 until they extinguished entirely the fire and they came back with this dog tags. It was tie on a doorknob. It belongs to a certain… » she said trying to read the name written « Mark Parker… » she finally said.

Jay immediately looked up with a worry face. Erin looked at him confused.

« Sorry … Who ? » Mouse asked with anguish in his voice. He didn't know if he heard wrong or if his head just played tricks on him. Jay stood up and headed toward Erin as he snatched the dog tags from erin's hold.

He looked at it. « That's impossible… » he whispered. He looked up at Mouse with concern. Mouse caught his glance and, still on his chair, put his head on his hands. Jay let out a heavy and anxious sigh as he stroked the dog tags with his thump. Memories of Afghanistan came back to him, and they weren't good ones.

Every one seemed confused about the situation. They all looked at Jay then at mouse and back to Jay with incomprehension. Voight stepped forward.

« Halstead? You wanna tell us who is this guy ? » he asked not appreciating being in the shadow.

But Jay didn't respond. He was still looking at the necklace, immersed in his thoughts. He could hear voices and screams in his head. He closed his eyes and started trumbling.

Everyone stared at him.

« JAY ! » Voight yelled this time. Everyone jumped at his loud voice. Everyone except Halstead. He came back to reality naturally.

« He's nobody anymore » he snapped coldly as he walked toward his chair, catching his coat and headed toward the stairs. He left the intelligence as fast as he could, not looking at anybody on his way out.

Everyone was more and more confused about what just happened. They all stared at Mouse with fuzzy eyes.

« Mouse, would you like to enlighten us please ? » Voight asked softer this time but still pissed.

Mouse looked up at his team. He couldn't breath. So he took one minute to relax before speeking « He is hum… he's dead » he looked down at the ground. « He was hum … in our squad with… Jay and me. And hum… we were all friends… but hum… he… ». He shook his head before putting it inside his hands once again. He didn't have to finish his sentence. Everyone understood what was the end of story.

« Okay everyone goes home, your shift is over » Voight retorted. « Erin go find your partner »

« Actually there is more… » Mouse added as Voight and Lindsay turned their attention back to Mouse. « He died in a firestorm… ». he closed his eyes as memories came back to haunt him too.

He soudently stood up and headed toward the locker room. He didn't want to break down in front of his coworkers. Everyone followed him with their eyes.

Mouse was standing in front of the mirror trying to look at his reflect but couldn't face it. He quickly looked down. After a moment he turned on the tap and put cold water in his hands before he dived his head in. He turned it off and looked at his hands who were trembling again. He closed his eyes before reopen them again, and punched the mirror with all his strength. Then his thoughts went to Jay.

 _He must be much worst than me_ he thought. So he decided to get out of the locker room and go find him.

« I couldn't find him near the district. He must have go home » Erin said as she walked up the stairs. Mouse let out a little laugh before speaking « He's so no over there… ». He caught Erin looking at him confused. « If Jay is somewhere right now, it's at Molly's ». Erin looked Jay's empty desk with sad eyes before she heard Mouse say « I'll go check on him ».

« I'm coming with you »

« Hum maybe you shouldn't. When Jay is in this state it's better… »

« I don't car Mouse. I'm coming with you and it's not an option. » Erin said as she walked out the intellingence, quickly followed by Mouse

« okay.. » he added.

They were both in Mouse's car and yet it was Lindsay in the driver sit. Erin glanced at him a few times. She could tell he was deep in his thoughts.

« Earth to Mouse ? »

« Mhhh ? » He came back to reality

« It's been about 10 minutes I tried to talk to you… »

« Sorry what were you saying ? »

« Nothing important actually.. »

She noticed that his fingers were taping nervously his knee and were trembling at the same time. He was definitly concerned about the situation. But most important, worried in which state he would find Jay at the bar.

« Why don't you and Jay never talk about what happened over there ? »

Mouse stopped taping his fingers on his knee and turned his head toward Erin. There was a silence.

« Well… It's not always easy to open up to someone you know… especially when you suffered such traumatic experiences" He said before adding "You're afraid that your entourage doesn't understand what you've been through or that you may use the wrong words to describe it... So you decide to avoid them. Then it becomes a reflex when someone try to talk to you about it, you push them away trying to evacuate all the extreme emotions… because you're to afraid you would hurt them involuntarily" He added and then laugh nervously. "It is called reflex of avoidance actually". He looked through the window.

Erin looked at him as tears were forming in the corner of her eyes. But she thoughts that if he was so strong, she couldn't be the one to be weak. It would be ridiculous. So she held them. Still she couldn't understand how they could bury such emotions deep down in their head. It didn't make any sense. They weren't robot, they couldn't just deal with such emotions in the same time without even open up to someone.


	4. Chapter 4

She parked the car and was ready to get out. But Mouse stopped her.

"before you go, you have to be prepared for what's next. I don't know in what state he is right know but I can assure you he's not drinking apple juice or a simple beer. So just let me talk to him first okay? He doesn't like when people he cares about see him like that"

"Yeah okay..." she responded.

They entered in Molly's and immediately saw Jay sitting at the bar with a semi empty bottle in front of him. They glanced at each other before walking toward him. As promised, Erin let Mouse engage the discussion with Jay while she went further to the bar.

"Hey Erin" Gaby said.

"hey"

"So hum… Jay's been here for less than an hour and have almost drank a bottle. Wanna tell what's going on?"

Erin looked at Gaby, wondering whether or not she should tell her what was happening. Gaby was a friend and she knew Jay pretty well since she had an affair with him. So she speaks.

"it's just that the case on which we are working is becoming increasingly complex... The dog tags that you came back with belongs to an old friend of Jay… he died in Afghan." Gaby looked at Erin and put down a bottle she had in her hand on the bar.

"Whoa… That must be though." She responded before they both looked at Jay and Mouse.

Meanwhile

"Come on body, talk to me" Mouse said as he sat next to Jay and poured himself a shot.

Jay turned his head to see Mouse and looked back to his glass.

"There's nothing to say… Nop… nothing to say" he was drunk. Mouse looked at him for a minute.

"Well, I'll talk then" there was a silence. "What happened over there wasn't your fault Jay. And I thought that you understood that when we came back."

Jay's jaw began to tighten. "It's easier for you. You weren't in my position. You weren't even in the same place when it happened. You didn't see what I saw…" he responded. "Anyway, I don't wanna talk about this shit anymore. So just go away Mouse"

"You think it was easier for me? You think I haven't seen horrible things to. Jay I was over there more than a year before you came in. And I can assure you I've seen horrible things, I've seen my friends died in front of me. I've seen women and children being killed Jay…" Mouse had sadness in his voice.

"Well then, have some drinks with me instead of lecture me." Mouse looked at Erin before looking at Jay again.

"No Jay I won't" he whispered. "I don't know for you but as for me, I have the felling of déjà vu right now. You and me at some bar with you, drunk and guilty about what happened and me trying to be strong for the both of us and trying bring you back. You can't do that to yourself Jay… not again. You have to let it go, let him go."

"You think I don't know that" Jay yelled at him. Every one stopped talking and watched the scene in front of them. "huh?" Jay stood up "You think I don't want let it go, to forget him and all of them? Because he wasn't the only to die remember. They all passed out and I was the only one left. Logan passed out to, then Matt, Jake, Ryan. We were best friends MOUSE. But they all left me, all alone." Mouse had a tear rolling all over his cheeks. He didn't try to hid it.

"All alone" Jay whispered again, taking an other shot and welcoming the burn in his throat. "You want to be strong… fine but I don't need you to be strong for me… Just go home Mouse"

Jay said as he poured him another shot. But this time Mouse snatched it from his hold and threw it on the floor. As for the bottle he took it, passed in font of Erin who watched him, and threw it on the trash. Once done he came back to Jay.

"Come on, stand up! We're going home now" he ordered Jay as he stood right behind him. Jay didn't move "I said Stand up Jay".

Jay laugh and turned his attention to Mouse. He leaned his back on the the bar and put his elbows on it. He was now facing Mouse. "Or you're gonna do what?". After a silence and a hard glance that Mouse threw him he finally stood up. Jay said as he pushed a little bit Mouse "Huh? Come on? What are you gonna do".

Everyone looked at them. Erin apprehended what was coming then. "Don't try me Jay. I'm not doing this with you." Jay pushed him a little harder this time and again and again. Mouse turn his back on him before facing him again and punched him on the face with all his strength.

Everyone stood up and headed toward the both of them trying to distant them. "You wanna feel something?" Mouse yelled at him while Jay caught himself at the bar and turned back his attention to Mouse, ready to fight back. But every one was holding them apart. Mouse continued to yell "You wanna feel something that bad? Than come on. Get it over it man? Come on".

That was it. Erin ran forward them and placed herself between them. "Stop! both of you" She turned her attention to Mouse "Go take a walk Mouse, I'll handled it from now" than turned her attention to Jay. She placed her hands in both sides of his face. "Jay look at me… Look at me! You're okay… just relax".

He looked deep in her green eyes. He was lost in them but yet they were the reason he came back to reality. He looked up at the exit door, where Mouse just left and then back at Erin. He couldn't realize what happened. He was ashamed, sad and angry in the same time. His hands started trembling. So he took his coat, put his hands in his pocket so he could hide them and walked away. Everybody went back to their sit. Erin stood there for a few seconds to recover and then followed Jay outside.

"Jay wait…" Jay didn't stop.

"JAY" she yelled at him still following him. He closed his eyes as he kept walking

"Go home Erin it's late…"

"It's not even 10 pm Jay…"

"Yeah whatever" he said as he got on his motorbike

"You don't seriously consider driving home in this state? You're drunk Jay!" Erin said with concern and fear in her voice.

"Who said I was driving home?"

Erin tried to read his face but nothing appears. "Jay come on, don't do that to yourself…"

"Do what Erin?". He asked as he let out a sigh, he was tired of all this.

"Whatever you think you're doing. You might push the other away from you but you won't push me away. I'm here for you so just talk to me…"

Jay looked at her with sad eyes mixed with something else. She could tell he was lost and confused. He was about to say something but shut his mouth and started his motorbike. In less than 5 seconds he was gone.

It was midnight. Jay was in his grey sweatpants, shirtless, on his couch with a mid empty bottle of whiskey placed on his face. Welcoming the coldness of the bottle to the bruise that Mouse left him earlier. The lights were switched off. He just drank there in the dark when he heard a loud knock at his door. First he decided to ignore it but it became louder and louder. For the sake of his head he decided to open it.

He let out a desperate sigh at the view of Erin standing in front of his door. The first thing she saw was his bare chest. She then looked up to saw his blue ocean eyes. She could tell however that he was tired and in a bad mood.

"It's been over 2 hours I do return trips between your home and the bars of the city."

She said as she passed him to enter his apartment. Jay closed the door behind him.

"I told you to go home Erin" he sighed.

"Okay Shut up now!" Jay was taken aback, she was definitely pissed and tired. She turned around "where is Allie? And why the hell are you in the dark?"

"She's at New York for her job"

"So you're all alone" she asked with sadness in her voice. She hated seeing his partner in a such mess all alone.

"What are you doing here Erin? There is nothing for you here!"

"I know what you're trying to do but it won't work on me, so I'm not leaving until you talked to me". There was a silence.

He looked at her and walked passed her. He sat on the couch and took back his bottle and took a sip of it.

"Erin… I don't want to talk about it. Not yet…" he didn't look at her, he just couldn't.

"okay… so we will just sit here and… not talk. I'm good with that to" she said as she sat next to him. They were still in the dark with just the moon to illuminate their face.

She took his hand in hers and intertwined her fingers with his. They both looked down at their them and back at each other.

"I miss my partner". She looked at him sadly.

"I'm right here Erin"

"No you're not. I know this is difficult for you and I know that some memories came back to you but you can't hide from me. You have to know that you can open up to me"

"I wish I could Erin… But I just… can't. I don't know what to say… or how to say it. I don't know what to do or how to do it… I can't breathe, I can't think…" there was a silence "I can't do these things anymore Erin". Tears were rolling all over his cheeks. Erin put her hands on them and wiped his tears with her thumps.

She looked deep in his eyes. Even if she was in the dark she could tell that the light she could saw in his eyes before all of this was gone. It was replaced by darkness. She didn't know what to do or what to say. She was kind of lost to.

"Anyway, thanks… for being here…"

She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes "Always".

They both fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Erin was wake up by the reflections of the sunlight on her face. She opened her eyes and noticed that she was lying down the couch next to Jay. Her head rested on his strong bare chest just like was one of her hand, and her leg was intertwined with his legs while Jay's arm was around her shoulder. She got up, making an effort not to wake him up and checked out her phone. They had one hour left before their shift begins. She also noticed she had several missed calls from Severide. She was kind of feeling bad that she didn't spend the night with her boyfriend. But Jay needed her and he's been there for her before.

She headed toward the kitchen, made some coffee and toasts. She left all of it on the kitchen table. She went back to the living room and watched him sleep. He was so peaceful. Then she noticed she would just stare at his bare chest so she shook her head. She took his phone and put an alarm on it so he wouldn't be late at work. She grabbed her keys and walked toward the door before looking at him one last time and got out the apartment. She drove quickly to her apartment to take a shower and change her cloths. She quickly drank her coffee and drove to work.

When she arrived the intelligence, Jay was already there. He stood in the break room and poured some coffee in his mug. He had tired eyes and headache. Erin could see he was in a bad mood.

"Hey" she whispered as she entered the break room pouring herself a cup of coffee too.

"Hey" he responded "Thanks for being there last night"

"Always" she looked at him with a sad smile.

He took a sip of his coffee and walked out of the break room before sitting at his desk.

Mouse came in the stairs with some files in his hands. He headed toward the board not bothering looking at Jay and stuck up a picture. "So I worked on the case last night and I think I might have something." He turned to face his team who was listening to him with full attention. Mouse took a deep breath before he begins "Carl Fargs" he pointed the picture "He was a soldier in Afghanistan. When he came back he became insane and paranoid. According to the police report, he couldn't endure the darkness once the night fell. So he began to start fire in every garbage he could find to provide him some light and warmth. But it quickly wasn't enough to and then carried on in bigger things like cars, trees and it became an obsession. So he began to start fire in some house." Mouse continued to read the police report "God he was crazy. It said that the screams of every victim in it was softness to his ears" he looked up at his team "his words… The firestorms he caused were the same operating mode as those we are investigating. But 7 years ago one of his firestorm didn't go well and found himself trapped in his own fire. Fortunately for him the firefighters were there in time. Still he was seriously injured and has been put in a wheelchair. He was then send to jail."

"What about now" Jay asked him.

Mouse didn't look at him "He got out 6 months ago" he responded coldly.

The team could sense the tension that invaded the room.

"Ruzek find me an address of this Carl Fargs. Once you have, take Antonio with you and try to find something from him". Voight asked before walking back his office. Ruzek nodded and walked toward his computer.

Mouse headed toward the break room. He didn't sleep last night because of all of this case. So he poured himself some coffee. He was quickly joined by Jay. This last one closed the door behind him and walked toward his best friend. Erin didn't miss a thing about the scene that was happening in front of her. She couldn't quite hear what they were saying to each other but given to the movements they were doing, that wasn't going well. She could see that Jay was trying to apologize. She could see that Mouse was asking him a question and that Jay respond it but didn't seem the good answer for Mouse. She wondered what he would just asked him. She watched Mouse storm out of the break room and headed toward his desk. She turned her attention to Jay who brushed his hands against his hair before walking out to his own desk. Erin decided no to interfere in their relationship. They both needed time to understand the situation and accept it.

After two hours, Ruzek and Dawson came back from their meeting with this Carl Frags.

They walked up the stairs as fast as they could and both headed toward Ruzek's desk. Ruzek sat in front of his computer typing for something while Antonio just stood behind him with one hand on the corner of Ruzek's desk and the other on his chair.

Jay stood up "Did you too found something?"

Antonio raised his hand for asking him to wait. They both looked at Ruzek's computer before Antonio pointed his finger on the screen. "Yeah we were right."

"Okay guys" Ruzek stood up "so we went to Carl's place but he wouldn't talk to us. Although we knew that he was hiding something from us. So Antonio and I decided to wait until he leaves his house so we could enter in and searched for any clues. And we found several maps." Ruzek stood up and walked toward the printer. 4 pictures got out. "I took them in photo" Ruzek said proudly before he took them and put 3 of them on the board. And kept one in his hand. They were maps from New York, Seattle, Boston.

They all looked at the board before Mouse broke silence "What are we looking at Ruzek?"

"The red dots that you can see on the maps are places where houses were burned in the past 6 months and none of them has been resolved yet"

"Whoa that makes a lot" Erin stated as she looked at all the dots in the maps that were in font of her.

"Okay but what the connection with our guy? I mean he's in a wheelchair so he can't be involved in those firestorm. Just because he's obsessed with fires doesn't mean he is our guy. Plus, he lives in Chicago." Olinsky explained.

Ruzek put the last picture on the board "These are the places in Chicago…" he finally said.

They all looked at the map "on which we are working on." Antonio added.

"And you have to say that this a blasted coincidence that these firestorms all happened since the release of Carl Forgs."

"Okay but he is in a wheelchair… He couldn't have done that in New York or even Seattle?"

"That what we thought first. So we kept searching and found his day planner and we found out that every day he has a meeting at the same hour with written: Brightness. He wrote some names on it to. And they are all ex soldiers. So we think there is some organization of formers soldiers who couldn't support the return to reality and recruit them. We don't know for sure how many they are but we think that some of them might live in New York, Boston and Seattle. And from what mouse just said, as crazy as he is it shouldn't have been difficult to convert them in some paranoia guy." Antonio declared.

"Okay so how do we enter this organization?" Voight asked. There was a silence.

Voight looked at the board before breaking silence

"Halstead?"

"Mhhh?"

"You're going undercover" Voight asked still looking at the board.

Every one looked speechless, even Jay.

"What? No this is to dangerous!" Erin said stepping forward.

"What if one of the organization recognize him?"

"Halstead did kept contact with your old squad since you came back"

Jay shoot his head for saying no

"So nobody knows you're a cop?"

"Nop"

"Great! All of you, I want you to find an undercover story so that he can enter this organization. Find me in my office when you have one who holds up." Voight ordered as he walked in his office and closed the door.

Erin didn't like where all this was getting at.

After an hour Olinsky and Dawson enter voight's office. They had one story. Both erin and jay watched them getting in it and close the door behind them. After 10 minutes where they explained the plan they all got out.

"Halstead my office" Erin heard Voight ordered before he turned his attention to her "You to kiddo" She didn't quite understand why her but she just obeyed and walked in.

"Lindsay you'll go with him in undercover" Olinsky said as she closed the door behind her. "You'll played his wife. Jay you will be an ex soldier who just came back from Afghanistan and you don't know how to deal with the quotidian." Before adding "Olinsky will talk to one of his CI who was an ex soldier and might know this guy. Maybe he heard something about this organization… Erin you'll come closer to Carl's wife. She is a little younger than you so it would not be to difficult to get her in your side. If she knows about this secret organization, she might help you and jay enter in. Plus, it will reinforce Jay's cover. Are you both ready for this?"

They both nodded. They didn't know what to say. All this became very serious and was going very fast.

Voight received their approval "Okay you can go home now. Pack your things to night and meet us here at 6 pm. You have the day off until then." Erin and Jay looked at each other before they stood up and walked out the office.

"You're sure about this" Voigt asked Antoinio and Olinsky who stayed in this office as he looked at both of them. "Well Jay's an ex soldier so it shouldn't be difficult for him to pretend and Erin will be okay with him… You know that. He will keep her safe." Olinsky responded

"Oh I have no doubt on this part. I'm just afraid they take their wife and Husband's cover to seriously if you know what I mean". "And even if they do so, nobody will arise questions". Antonio added.

Both jay and Erin finished their paper works before they leave. Jay was the first to switch off his computer and walked toward the stairs after giving Erin a wink. Mouse didn't look up his computer, and Erin noticed that. So she waited for Jay to leave the intelligence before she stepped toward Mouse.

"You can't blame him for being a mess. I know this is difficult for you but it's difficult for him to Mouse. He needs you"

"I'm not the one he needs Erin" Mouse said still looking at his computer.

"What do you mean. Of course he needs his best friend."

"Erin did you talked to him today? didn't you notice something?" Mouse looked up

"what?"

There was a silence.

"… nothing, drop it" he looked back his computer

"Oh come I'm starting to get tired of all this silence. Just spill it out Mouse!"

"He smelled the alcohol Erin. All he wants is whiskey and vodka and tequila. He doesn't want me; he doesn't need me. Because all he wants and all he thinks he needs it's the burn his throat and the feeling of loosing control for an instant. Because he's lost Erin. And he thinks that the alcohol is the only answer. And he's not gonna stop."

Erin was voiceless in front of Mouse. She didn't notice that Jay's been drinking so much. She knew that he drank last night but she thought that it was just one-time deal, to let go his frustrations.

"So help him"

"I already helped him several times. It's not the first time he's been like that. And I figured out that the only way he realizes what he thinks he's doing is that I take my distant with him. It's just a question of time"

"So you're just gonna sit there and wait. That's your plan?"

"Erin… I want to help him. But he wont let me. I'm just waiting for him to understand that I'm here for him… like you're here for him. But it's to soon for him to realize that yet. All _we_ can do is wait."

"Well, I'm not okay with that" She said as she walked back to her desk, picked her coat and left Mouse all alone in the intelligence.

She was standing in front of his front door. She took a deep breath and knocked at the door.

When Jay heard the knock at his door, he quickly gave himself a few slaps to wake him up and combed his hair with his hand before he opened the door.

"Erin, hey"

"Hey…" she said as she stepped toward him, their head now a few centimeters of one another. She looked deep in his eyes. He could tell she was searching for something but yet he was confused. "What are you doing" he smirked

Erin didn't smile back. She could feel the smell of alcohol from his breath "I knew it". She said as she punched his torso with both of her hands, causing jay to lose his balance and stepped back. "You drank… didn't you?" she asked angrily.

He let out a sigh as he closed his door. "If you're here to lecture me like Mouse did earlier you can avoid the trouble and go home."

"Oh god I'm so tired of you…of that" she yelled as she passed her hands through her hair.

"So go home" he yelled back "I don't need your help and I'm hell sure don't want it"

"Why are you acting like that with people who cares about you?"

"Because I'm tired of being the broken one who needs to be fix. I'm old enough to take care of myself. So if you need to take care of someone, take care of yourself and your junkie mother."

She slapped him hard in the face. She had tears forming in her eyes.

She couldn't recognize her partner. She couldn't recognize the person who took her hands with soften eyes at her school reunion. She was right. There was no brightness in his eyes anymore.

"Who are you right know?" she cried as she still looked at him. "How did you became this guy?"

Jay didn't let any emotions appear in his eyes. This was something he would do for a while now. He learned to not let emotions invade him in Afghanistan. So he just buried them deep inside him.

"I've always been like that Lindsay" He said as he walked toward the coffee table and took his bottle of tequila. The use of her last name made her heart drop. He would never have called her like that before.

"No you haven't" she said as tears continued to roll all over her cheeks. This was to much for her. She would try so hard to help him and be there for him. Maybe Mouse was right she had to let him go for a while.

"You were a good man, someone who just made me smile, who always had something funny or thoughtful to say…" she couldn't breath anymore "You've change. You're not this guy anymore"

"I guess things change" he responded coldly.

She looked at him. Still nothing in his eyes. He was definitely gone. So she wiped her tears and she took a minute to pull herself together. Then she passed him and opened the door before slamming it without looking behind her once.

Jay closed his eyes took a sip of tequila and threw the bottle against the wall in front of him.

"Shitttt" he yelled hard to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

When Erin came upstairs the intelligence at 6 pm, Jay wasn't there yet. And truthfully, she was relief he wasn't. So she headed toward Voigt office. "So why did you want to see me?"

"we wait for Jay and I will both tell you all the information for the undercover"

"actually I don't have many time so if you could just tell me right now and you will explain it to Halstead when he arrives it would be great" she didn't want to be in the same room with Halstead. However, Voight didn't seem to accept this "We'll wait for him… so we can all be clear."

She was ready to argue but was cut by Voight again

"End of the discussion, Erin". She groaned and sat in front of his desk waiting Jay.

While they waited, voight asked Erin "Is everything okay with you and Halstead?"

She didn't respond, first.

"Tell me he kept it in his pant"

"Yes he did Hank. Since you asked him so nicely."

"So what's going on?"

"nothing, everything is just fine" she didn't look at him.

Voight knew something was off but he didn't had time to ask her once again. Jay knocked at the door and enter the office.

"You wanted to see us sergeant?"

He glanced at Erin who just ignored him.

"Yes… hum sit down Halstead… So Olinsky talked to his CI. He knows about this organization. In fact, he used to be a part of it. But he left soon after being arrest and throwing in jail. He purged his time for 1 year. When he got out he decided to leave the organization. Still he kept contact with Carl. He will help you to enter the organization. As for her wife she is a big part of it to. So Lindsay you know what to do. Antonio is taking care of details of your new IDs right now. You will both live in the Palace Hotel. It's very luxurious place so… well enjoy it but not too much. Are you both ready for this undercover mission? I need you to be a 100% in. Can I count on you?"

"Yep…are we done?" Erin said as she stood up waiting for Voight answer.

"Yes. Meet us at the Hotel in one hour". She nodded and walked out the Office.

Voight watched her leave and turned his attention to Jay.

"What's going on with her? What did you do to her?"

"Nothing… I will handle it sir." Jay respond as he stood up leaving the office in turn.

"Erin wait" Jay said as caught Erin by her arm stopping her from leaving. Erin didn't look at him but at his hold on her arm. He let it go and watched her leave. He followed her soon after.

Erin, Voight, Olinsky and his CI were all waiting in the big and spacious hall of the hotel. It was a such beautiful place with a big chandelier in the middle of it, a waiting spot with a chimney and modern couches, a huge spiral staircase and a marble floor. It was definitely a five-star hotel.

They all waited for Jay to appear. Antonio would try to call him several times with no success. After 15 minutes of waiting, Jay finally came in the hotel. He was short of breath and the gorgeous place where he just came in didn't help him to take his breath back. He just stood there for a second, admiring the luxurious Hall.

"You finally decided to join us Halstead? It's about time…" Voight claimed.

"Sorry I was just hum…" He turned his attention to the entrance before turning back to his team

"Saying goodbye to your little whiskey bottle?" Erin snapped

Jay looked at her knowing exactly where she was heading on.

"No… saying goodbye to my little wife actually…" He snapped back with an arrogant smile.

"Yeah whatever…" she added not bothering to look at him.

"You are husband and wife for a few minutes now and you are already making us a lovers' quarrel. How sweet…" Olinsky teased.

Erin looked at him with a hypocrite smile. "Not so sweet" she responded, taking the room's keys from his hold.

"So before you go, Henry has some information for you" Olinsky added.

"Yeah… I took contact with Carl, he told me they're gonna do a hit. I said to him that was the perfect time because… well I had the perfect guy, who just came back from the Afghanistan. He seemed interest."

"When is the hit?" Jay asked

"We don't know yet, soon I think. He told me it was a big project, and they needed to work it out again. He took a room in this hotel until the hit is done. He will be there tomorrow night. I told him you would arrive tomorrow in the afternoon so you'll be able to meet him. The next meetings with all of the members will be in a meeting room in the Hotel". Henry explained.

"However we don't think it will be as easy as you think to enter this organization. You'll probably have to prove yourself." Olinsky added

"Yeah about that, you'll have to do things… but I'll explain it to you tomorrow before he arrives"

Jay nodded and let out a nervous sigh. He didn't know how to handle this cover but he was anxious. Anyway it was time to go, so while Erin put Voight in a hug, Jay hugged Olinsky and then said goodbye to Voight by shaking his hand. But when Jay was ready to get out from his hold, Voight gripped it tighter and brought Jay closer to him."You take care of her or you'll have to deal with me. You understand?"

Jay smiled "Yeah… Always, sir". Voight let go his hand and watched the both of them heading toward the elevator.

They were both in the elevator and waited for it to stop at their floor. But unfortunately for them, their room was to the ninth. There was an uncomfortable silence and Jay decided to break it.

"Listen Erin, I just want…" he was cut off

"Whatever you have to say, just keep it to yourself okay?" she snapped not even looking at him. So he decided to move from his position and stepped forward her to be in front of her.

"Would you just listen for what I've to say? I'm sorry okay?"

She didn't look at him. Instead she looked above the elevator's door and watched the floors pass through. God it was so slow she stated to herself. Yet, when they finally arrived, she passed him bumped his shoulders against hers, and making him to step back. Of course, never looking at him in her way out. He sighed and followed her.

Once she was on the doorstep of their room, she let out a sigh and prepared herself for what was inside. She opened the door with the key and switched on the light, illuminating… a presidential suite. Why would they have to reserved such a room. She knew it was Voight's idea. He didn't want Jay and Erin to be to close and the team didn't know how long this operation would take… A week? A month? They just needed as much place as possible.

Anyway, she couldn't believe what she facing.

"Whoa…" Jay expressed. "That's bigger than my own apartment." He giggled. It really was. It was bigger then their two apartments reunited. It was a very modern and design place.

They enter in a big leaving room. It was all decorated in beige, brown and black. The floor was a smooth wood. There was a plasma screen over a modern chimney. In front, a large couch. There was a modern bar in the left all in wood. On the left there was a dinning table which was also in a dark wood and white chairs. But most of all there was a bay window with a door and behind it, a huge terrace with views of Chicago. It was the night so they could see all the lights of the buildings and cars. It was so beautiful.

"Did you saw the room?" Jay asked Erin as he walked out from it. Erin was admiring the view of her city. "But I think what I prefer is the bathroom. God the bath is so huge." he said with a smirk.

"I'm more shower." She snapped back coldly before heading in the bedroom. It was bigger than she thought. There was a rounded shaped bed, a dressing table, two bedside tables and a TV in front of the bed. There was also a bay window witch prolonged a whole wall. We could also accede the terrace by it.

Next to the bedroom a door... She opened it and discovered The bathroom. It was as big as the bedroom. She would never saw a such place. Wall and floor were in white marble. In the middle of the room was standing a big white rounded shaped bath with two steps that would help them to get into it.

Okay maybe she lied. She wasn't such a shower girl but she didn't want to share his opinion as childish as it sounds.

Embedded in a wall was standing a large shower with a transparent door. And next to it there were 2 black sinks with several cupboards also black.

God, all of it was so beautiful, so huge.

"Anyway, what's the bedroom situation?" she asked Jay still coldly as she came back.

Jay knew she would have asked this question so he prepared his answer.

"Well I guessed I will take the couch" he responded as they both looked at the couch.

"Sound fine to me" she said as she took her luggage and walked toward her bedroom.

Once she finished to unpack a half and hour later, she wondered what was doing Jay. She wouldn't heard him since she left. So she headed toward the living room once again but Jay was nowhere to be see. She looked around and found him standing on the terrace arms crossed admiring the views. She could tell he was deep in his thoughts… again. She looked at him for a minute or two when he ran his hands over his face then turned around to came back inside.

It was getting late, and they were both tired. So after having a quick dinner, full of awkward silence, Erin decided to take a shower while Jay unpacked his luggage.

Once she came out form the bathroom she found herself in her room. Then a knock at the door rang out. It was Jay.

Erin still had her towel wrapped around her chest with her wet hair hanging naturally.

"Hey… sorry… hum?" he was felling nervous to be in front of a such denudate Erin. He never saw her with just a towel to cover her. He tried his hardest not to look at her but it was becoming more and more difficult. She was damn hot and beautiful.

"Can I…" He pointed the bathroom with his finger asking for permission to take a shower.

She just nodded and walked toward the dressing to put her very short black nightie with white lace.

When she heard the shower running, thoughts of her partner in it came to her. But she quickly took them away from her head and jumped in her bed's sheets. She took her book and resume her reading. 10 minutes later, the door opened letting jay coming out with a sweatpants and a tightest tee-shirt, passing past her bed and heading toward the leaving room. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. After a few seconds of staring, she focused her attention back to her book.

But before he walked out from her bedroom he turned his attention to her and let appear a small smile. Even if she didn't look a him she could sense his eyes on her.

"Good night Erin…" he whispered. He knew she wouldn't respond but still he said it and walked out. Once he left, she looked up and dropped her book. She was feeling bad. But it hurt her so much when he rejected her. She would reveal herself about her past and trusted him with it and all he did in return was using it to reject her. She felt humiliating and naïve. But worse of that, she thought he didn't trust her, her partner, her best friend…

So she fell asleep full of sadness and confusions.


	7. Chapter 7

It was the middle of the night. The room was plunged into the darkness. Jay was lying on the sofa, shaking. He was back to where he thought he would never return. Every thing was fuzzy. All he could hear was cries, screams, gunshots, explosions, blood, death. Everything had returned. Man, women, children, innocents people, soldiers all killed. The stress, the fear, the anxiety, the sadness, the angriness, the adrenalin.

Jay was shaking more and more violently. His legs were moving everywhere and so was his torso. His head was changing of sides every seconds.

Perspiration covered all of his body. And then he saw Mark. Every thing became clearest. But everything became muffled too and in slow motion. It sounded so cliché but yet it was so real. All he could see was his squad in this building. Fire, gunshots. They were in an ambuscade. Jay knew they would never leave this place alive. Or at least not psychologically. Even if he would be alive physically, he would be dead interiorly. And then a firestorm appeared. He didn't know were it came from. He looked around him. He saw his friends all burning, screaming. He couldn't do anything. He wanted to help them but he couldn't move. _Come on, move, help them, act, do something, stop standing here_. He couldn't do anything. Why couldn't he move. He screamed the hardest he could. He screamed again and again. He looked at his legs. He wasn't injured but yet he couldn't move.

And then the firestorm was followed by an explosion. Jay was thrown to the ground. He was fully conscious and looked at the cell of the buildings decomposing itself. And then his dream ended with a view of fire.

"come back" he screamed.

He raised up violently in a sitting position which caused him to strain a muscle. But yet he didn't react or flinch. All he could think about was his nightmare. He put his head in both of his hands. Then he raised his head and looked around him. He couldn't breath …literally. He was plunged in the darkness and the shadows. Screams were still yelling in his head.

He was doing a panic attack. He was hot and breathless. So he took of his shirt hoping that it would be better. But it wasn't.

He needed air, space. So he ran toward the terrace bumping in some objects in his way out. The sun was beginning to rise. He took deep breaths, and the sun's rays that appeared provided him warmth. His body began to relax naturally.

After one hour, he was still on the terrace, head straight, with his arms behind his back and eyes closed. The sky was a mix of pink, orange and purple. It was beautiful and relaxing. He didn't want to go inside again. It wasn't the first time he had this nightmare. Actually he lived them several time since he came back from Afghanistan.

So he was there straight, eyes closed, deep in his thought, trying to relax, welcoming the ray's sun on his face. Thinking about something else, anything that would take his nightmares away.

It was working.

Erin woke up naturally. She got up from her bed and drew the curtains. She could saw the beautiful sunrise with all the colours. She walked toward the living room delicately. She didn't want to wake up Jay. She would hear him groaned this night and moving several times. She knew he had a nightmare but she didn't want to wake him up. Mouse warned her that he might have some nightmares and that she shouldn't wake him up. Firstly, because he needed to wake up himself and secondly because once someone wake him up he can become very violent.

When she arrived in the leaving room she could see that the place was a disaster. Sheets were on the floor just as his shirt. Some objects were broken. She didn't know that his nightmare has been so violent. She looked outside and saw him facing the city. His posture was still straight with hands on his back, his feet spread and… shirtless. She silently stepped toward the terrace.

"you didn't sleep well did you?" She asked him softly with sadness in her voice

He didn't move or respond

"I heard you this night… what did you saw?"

He then opened his eyes and turned his body in direction of the beautiful woman standing in front of him. She was in her dressing gown also in silk, reached in the same level as her nightie so just above her knees. She had her hair pulled in a ponytail with some wicks falling along her face. No make up. She was gorgeous, classy and god… sexy.

"I ..." he began to speak but shut his mouth "it was nothing I haven't saw yet or couldn't handle"

She didn't seem convinced with his answer. She just wanted him to open up to her. But maybe he needed time.

She intensely looked into his eyes and began to have chills. She didn't know if it was because of his look or if it was the coldness.

Jay had a pretty good idea of what it could be but decided not to react.

"How can't you be freezing out there?" she asked breaking the silence as she looked at his bare torso.

"come on let get you inside."

He said as he put his hand on her back and took her inside. She made some coffee as she watched him fold the sheets. But when he bent down to take his pillow he made a face and placed his right hand around his neck.

"you alright?" she asked concerned as she stepped forward him with the cups of coffee. She put them on the coffee table.

"Yeah I'm fine I just…" he didn't have time to finish his sentence that Erin was already behind him, placing her hands around his neck.

"God your tight Jay… what happen…" she looked at the sofa and back to him "it's the couch isn't it?"

"no it's fine Erin I just made a bad move, I'll be alright"

"No you won't! From now you come sleep with me. The bed is large enough for the both of us"

"You're sure? Because the couch it's fine to me too"

"Yes I'm sure Jay. Just one request! You stay on your side of the bed." She said as she raised one eyebrow.

"I'll be the perfect gentleman… as usual"

"don't even start" she laughed

God it was so good to watch her laugh again. She caught him staring at her.

She looked deep in his blue ocean eyes and her laugh disappear gradually. They both stood there looking at each other when a knock at the door rang out. They both broke their glance clearing their throat. They stepped back awkwardly.

"I should… hum… open the door" Jay said as he pointed the door.

"yeah" she hung her head hoping that she could hide her blushing.

Jay opened the door letting appear Henry.

"Henry hey… come on in"

"Thanks … hey" he said to Erin "so Carl will arrive in a few hours. There is a reception tonight at the hotel. So he's gonna be there and so are you. I will present you to him."

They both nodded

"So yesterday you said that I had to do… things to prove myself. Can you enlighten me on this one?"

"yeah" he said as he sat on the couch.

"you have to know that Carl isn't a fool. He can tell when your pretending and when your not. So the fact that you've been a soldier will help you with your cover. You'll have to experience things that will make you relive your time over there. It'll not be easy. I can assure you. When I had to pass this test, it was a very difficult moment. But this organization taught me a lot for myself" "however I can't tell you specifically what it's gonna be. It's never the same experience."

"what was yours?" Erin asked concerned.

Henry looked down at his feet

"Well… when I was over there, I… had to … kill my little brother. He was seriously injured and he wouldn't live for much long. He was suffering and we were in a desert place. I didn't have anything left to minimising his pain so I put both of my hands on his mouth and nose and I muffled him… I released him from this pain. That the memories they made me relive for an hour to prove myself that I was dead inside…"

Erin looked at Jay with fear. What would they do to him to make him suffer?

"Okay I will leave you there. Don't forget I'll present him to you tonight and … well you know the rest of it"

Henry stood up and headed toward the exit door. "Oh and before I go, here are your new IDs. Your now Mrs and Mr Cooper."

Jay looked at him leaving the room and couldn't leave his eyes from the door.

"hey it's gonna be fine okay?" Erin put her hands on his arm and squeezed it.

He nodded. "Come on, let's go buy something to wear for tonight."

They split up to go buy their outfit for tonight. Erin called Kim for help while Jay called Ruzek.

"so how is it going this undercover thing?" Kim asked Erin. Erin was in the changing room while Kim was waiting behind, on the sofa.

"You know nothing special. We haven't done much. We haven't been present to Carl yet." She responded vaguely.

"Oh I wasn't talking about you and Carl. I was talking about you and Jay as a married couple actually…"

Erin looked up she didn't respond first. "there is noting to say Kim. We are just two professional people who work together. Nothing else."

"so nothing happened last night"

"No. He slept on the couch."

Kim could hear the irritation in her voice.

"Okay okay" she laughed "If you say so"

Erin rolled her eyes and stepped out from the changing room. "Instead of laughing, tell me how do I look?"

She was wearing a short black dress, leaving her back naked and her arms and chest covered with lace. She had black heeled shoes and a golden clutch bag.

"Erin you look perfect". Kim stated.

"you think?"

"yeah of course I mean it… Jay is gonna love it" she smirked

Erin decided not to react at her statement.

"hair tied or hanging?"

"definitely tied"

she smiled "Let's go then"

Meantime

"Okay shop-guy, let's get you an outfit that will make Erin melt."

"Shut up Ruzek. We are just friends."

"oh yeah friends I know what that is. I used to be friend with Kim" he laughed to himself

"Not because you couldn't keep it in your pants mean that I can't" Ruzek kept laughing

"Anyway, what's the deal with you and Erin. She seemed very upset when you two left the intelligence for this operation"

"I said something I didn't mean and… she slapped me"

"whoa… and did you to consumed your angriness in something else than just slapping?" Ruzek asked with a big smirked on his face

"Hide this smirk before I slap you Ruzek. Nothing happened… I slept on the couch"

"who ho! She didn't want to be temped to do something 'unprofessional'" he laughed

Jay didn't think about that until now. Was that possible that she just tried her hardest no to cross the line? He shook his head and enter in the first store he saw.

When they walked out from the store they stumble upon the girls. Awkward looks were exchange between all of them.

"Well hello Erin. Did you sleep well last night?"

"Not so much actually" she responded

Ruzek nudged Jay.

"oh I see… a little frustrated maybe?" he said as a smile appeared across his face.

Erin looked at him confused.

"Enough Adam" Kim said as she grabbed onto the collar of his shirt "let's go". Both of them started walking, followed by Jay and Erin.

Once they were a few meters away from Erin and Jay, they decided to share information.

"Did you got something from him?"

"No he wouldn't talk. Just that he slept on the bed. Oh and that they are friends… You?"

"same"

"God they are so annoying with their 'we gotta be professional'" Ruzek joked making Kim to laugh.

Jay and Erin were just behind them and could saw them glancing alternately at the both of them.

"Is that me or they look like to excited children" Jay said as he let out a sigh of desperation.

"It's definitely not you" Erin laughed awkwardly knowing exactly what they were saying to each other.

"Anyway did you found something for tonight Mr Cooper?"

"Yep. I needed a new suite. What about you?"

"Same".

It was 8 pm and they were soon going to have to leave the room. Erin was in the bathroom finishing her make up and Jay was in the room adjusting his suite. He was wearing a white shirt with a dark grey waistcoat fitting with his pantsuit and a black tie. He had unbuttoned the top button and rolled up his sleeves and put his watch. He was ready. He just needed to run a brush trough his hair. So he stepped towards the bathroom's door and knocked at the door.

"Can I come in"

"Yeah yeah go ahead. I'm nearly ready." She said out loud.

So he opened the door and suddenly stopped in his way in. He couldn't move. His jaw practically hit the ground. He just stood there scanning her body while she was finishing her make up. He could feel his body burning.

"You look…" he couldn't even let the words get out from his mouth "You look beautiful Erin".

She looked at his reflection through the mirror. She smiled and turn around to truly face him. She looked up and down staring at his figure-hugging outfit letting appear his muscled body.

"You look good in that suite" she stated still looking at it.

"Please, you're gonna make me blush" he joked as he walked toward the mirror to comb his hair. He could see from the corner of his eyes that she was still staring at him.

He was enjoying interiorly.

"You ready?" he asked as he turned to look at her. They were a few centimetres from each other and both of their hearts were racing. They could sense tension raising.

"Yeah I'm ready" Erin broke the silence and walked out the bathroom.

"Oh hey… wait!" he said as he stepped up close to her, invading her personal space and raised her zipper on her back.

Erin's heart almost stopped as she felt his warm breath on her neck. And the light touch of his hands on her bare back made her body burn.


	8. Chapter 8

When they arrive at the reception there was already a lot of people. Jay and Erin walked one next to the other. Jay could feel that all men's eyes were on Erin, so he draped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him. Erin turned her face to look at him, and couldn't help but smile at the over protective Jay.

"Let's go take a drink" was all he said.

He needed this drink. He didn't know how the night would end with Carl and his whatever test.

"What can I get you sir?" a young brunette asked him with a smile across her face. Jay smiled back "two whiskeys please" giving her a wink. Erin couldn't believe what he would just do. "you're disgusting" she laughed to him. When the waitress came back with their drinks, she handed them to jay but Erin took them first, throwing her a look.

Carl wasn't there yet. Jay and Erin were beginning to arise questions and especially Jay who was growing anxious. Henry who was also in the reception, noticed Jay's behaviour. He ordered a whiskey at the waitress and handed it to Jay. Jay looked at the glass and at Henry with questioning eyes. Then he realized where he was getting at and drank the glass.

"He will come don't worry."

"I'm not worry about that…"

Henry put his hand on Jay's shoulder and squeezed it before leaving the two of them at the bar.

Then 'Photograph by Ed Sheeran' began to play. Jay held out his hand in direction of Erin.

Her eyes focused on his hand. She looked up to meet his beautiful ocean eyes. He had his trademark grin on his lips. She shook her head "I don't dance" she protested with a small smile.

"Yes you do" he shot back.

He took her hand, entwined their fingers and dragged her to the dance floor. He slipped one arm on her waist as the other took hold of her hand. Chills came all over her body when she sensed his soft hand finding his way on her bare back and pulled her closer. He curled up their so they were resting gently between their chests. No one could deny how their bodies fit together.

They began to sway slowly to the music.

"Did I tell you you looked beautiful in this dress?"

Erin could feel his breath on her neck as he whispered in her ear. She momentarily lost her breath. She looked up at him her heart racing. She was looking at him with soft eyes and a soft smile. Just like she did at her school reunion. She was ready to say something but Jay raised his eyes to look behind her and saw Henry shoving his hand in direction of Carl. "Carl is here". She looked behind her and saw Henry accompanied by Carl in his wheelchair and his beautiful wife.

They both left the dance floor, but Jay didn't let go of her hand. He was holding it tighter. She looked down to their entwining fingers and back to him giving him a small smile.

"Carl, May I present you Mr and Mrs Cooper…" Henry said. Henry looked at Jay first.

"Nice to finally meet you Mr Fargs" Jay said holding out his hand.

"The pleasure is all mine" Fargs respond shaking Jay's hands. Then his eyes laid on Erin. "What a starling woman you have there" he added taking her hand dropped a soft kiss on it.

She didn't respond, just smiled at him.

"Oh how rude I am… This is my wife Julia".

She caught Carl's wife smiling at jay as she discretely scanned his body. Jay smiled back.

She didn't react but she was boiling in the inside.

After some small talk with the four of them, Carl looked at his watch then back to Jay.

"Okay… It's time to go. Shall we?"

Jay nodded and followed Carl Forgs. But his arm was caught by Erin. She stood in front of him, put her hand on one cheek and dropped a kiss on the other cheek. She took hold of his hand before saying "just take care of yourself". He looked at her and raise an eyebrow "always love"

"don't worry I'll take care of him" Carl said.

They didn't look at him. She kept her eyes on her 'husband'. He looked deep in her hazel eyes which gave him the strength he needed and looked back at Carl "Let's go". He passed her, their hands slowly separating. She turned to look at him enter in a room followed by Carl and Henry.

After an hour, that felt like an eternity, Erin was getting nervous, not knowing what was happening in the room. And the presence of his wife, doing some small talk, didn't help her to calm down her nerves.

"you don't have to worry… he will be fine" the wife said trying to appease Erin.

"How do you know? I mean I don't know what is happening inside… or what your husband is doing to mine"

"All you have to know is that if he passes the test, then your husband will get better with time. I heard from Henry that Jay wasn't himself since he came back?"

"yes…" she responded vaguely. The wife understood that shouldn't ask fore more.

"Well my Husband is the cure, I can assure you".

Suddenly Erin saw the door of the room, the one she would stare for the last hour, open. She saw Jay getting out of the room violently and slamming it. Her fear about what this test would do to him became reality. He was breathless. He had one of these panic attack again.

He was lost, warm, frustrated. He was looking around and all he wanted to do was hit something, anything. He was burning in the inside. Then he caught Erin's eyes at the opposite of the reception. She stood up from her chair and stepped one feet forward, ready to join him. But once she did he raised his hand to stop her in her way. And that what she did. He didn't want to hurt her; he would never forgive himself. So he leaped up the stairs, heading to their room. He just wished she wouldn't follow him. He wasn't himself and he was fully aware of this.

In the 5 minutes that preceded, she hesitated about what to do. Mouse would have warned her to not interfere in his attack.

She was confused. She wanted to help him. He couldn't handle him self in this state.

"Damn it" she finally said as she ran toward the elevator. Jabbing her finger impatiently at the up button, Erin willed the elevator to hurry the hell up when the doors finally opened.

Once she was at her floor she ran toward the door's room and passed her key in it. She opened the door intensely and ran into the middle of the leaving room.

"JAY?" she yelled. But there was no one. She looked around short of breath. And then she heard water running. So she instinctively ran through her bedroom where she saw his waistcoat on the floor. She opened the bathroom's door and stopped once she put on feet inside. Jay was in the shower still dress in a sitting position with his right leg bent and his elbow on it, holding his head. His hand was gripping his hair in distress. The other leg was lying on the floor. He was crying and was breathless. His panic attack was getting worst and worst. He tried his hardest to take his breath back but it was in vain.

Erin couldn't believe what she was fronting. She never saw him like that. It was unreal. He was the strongest men she has ever known. And seeing him like that, so vulnerable, so lost and weak.

She didn't hesitate one second. She dropped her clutch bag and got off of her heels. She stepped in the shower and let the water flowing over her body. She didn't care. She sat behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her. She held him tight and tried to calm him. But he was suffocating and crying –which didn't help-.

"Shhhhh… Jay I'm right here! Calm down, you're safe. I'm here… just hold on to me."

"I… I… I can breathe Erin" he tried to say.

She didn't know what to do. After a few seconds she thought that the sitting position wasn't the best solution if he wanted to take back his breath. He needed to be on his feet.

So she stood up, grabbed his arms and helped him to stand up. She took off his tie and threw it on the floor. He lain his back on the wall but he was still breathless. She put her hands on his neck trying to calm him. He was burning.

"Jay you're burning…" she looked at him but couldn't make him watch her. His eyes were elsewhere. So she turned the hot water on cold water. She let out a sigh at the cold water that was flowing over her body but quickly turned her attention to Jay. She took of his shirt and, like the tie, threw it on the floor. She put her hands on his chest trying to calm him down. She could feel his heart slowing down a little bit and his breath coming back. Then he looked up meeting her beautiful eyes. That was the moment he fully took back his breath. They stood there for a minute or two. She was relieved that her make up was water proof or she would be the worst thing ever. But most of all, she was relieved that he came back to himself. Jay looked at her intensely. She had water running on her face with her wet hair hanging naturally on her shoulder. God she was beautiful.

"Thanks" he said still looking deep in her eyes.

"…Always right?" was all she responded with a sad smile.

"yeah…". He could feel she was getting cold. So he turned the cold water on hot water. She laughed. Then she realized her hands were still on his chest. She looked at them but didn't take them off. She didn't know why. It was feeling so right in the moment. sHe could saw his eyes were travelling from her mouth to her eyes.

"Jay…" she didn't have time to finish when Jay captured her lips with his. First she didn't respond, and then she kissed him back. When she parted her lips their tongues met. After a few seconds she pulled back, and kept her hands on his chest to distant themselves.

"we can't Jay. That's not right" the shower still on.

"yeah…no you're right" he said as he shut off the water. They could hear the droplet falling on the floor. There was an awkward silence but yet they didn't care. They just kept looking into each other eyes.

Even if she was the one who stopped the kiss, she didn't seem convinced. But it was the best thing to do. So when she turned towards the door of the shower to get out, she felt a hand on his arm who held her back. She looked at her arm then at Jay who immediately pulled her against him. He began to kiss her passionately, roughly. She hugged her arms around his neck and he brought her closer to his body, if it was still possible. She backed off and turned her back to him. She placed both of her hands on the wall to letting him unzip her dress. While he did, she turned her head to look at him undressing her. He kissed her cheek and she turned back again to face him. She placed one hand on his cheek and the other to the back of his neck and put him in a deep kiss.

Then he wrapped his hands around her waist as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He slammed her back against the wall behind her. He took of a hand from her waist and pressed it against the wall to hold himself. She let out a moaned and she pulled away to take a breath as jay anticipated his kisses on her exposed neck.

She could feel him against her hip. She put him even closer earning a low moan from his throat to her ear. He could barely handle himself and truthfully, either could she.

"Bed. now." Was all she could say. They were all wet because of the shower but they didn't care.

He just nodded and stepped out from the shower still holding her. He was shirtless with just his pantsuit and she was in underwear with her black bra matching with her panties.

He carried her in the bedroom and laid her onto the bed. First he was on top of her and then in one quick rotation she was on top of him, never leaving his lips. He put himself in a sitting position still with her on him and his arms around her waist. She had a hand around his neck and the other on his chest. His right hand moved up from her waist and unclipped her bra. Then he kissed her shoulders then moved toward her neck. She wrapped her arms around his neck and gripped thigh so that they could be closer than they already were. He continued to his kiss her along her burning body. She raised her head giving him more access and looked up, delivering a moan.

Then she looked back at him. She decided that he wasn't as naked as her. So she threw his belt and unzipped his slacks. Once his pantsuit off, he lay down his back to the bed again, with her still on top of him kissing him. She slowly rolled her hips against his, felling how hard he was. Then he rotated again so he was in top of her. He took a second to scanned her body. God she was beautiful. That was the last coherent thing he said to himself before they both had incredible sex.

Jay rolled off Erin and they both laid there in silence for a minute trying to catch up their breath. None of them said anything even if they both enjoyed their moment.


	9. Chapter 9

Erin quickly felt guilty. She felt bad about Kelly, even about Allie. They didn't deserve that. They were both too amazing people and what Jay and her just did was wrong. She loved Kelly. She really did. He was amazing with her. But with Jay... There was this thing where she felt more than just her partner. She knew that there was this unresolved tension between them. And even if she tried her hardest to hide it, it was becoming to be more and more difficult. He would look at her in some ways nobody did before. Even if he wouldn't do that consciously it made her feel… different, special.

Jay however didn't know how to feel. There was this part of him that felt very peaceful and the other in conflict. He was submerged with all those emotions. This evening was a lot to deal. Then he looked at Erin who was still looking at the cell. She is so beautiful when she thinks he thought. She has these dimples on her cheeks, even if she isn't smiling, that made him smile.

She had her hand on her forehead with the elbow up and the other was on her chest, keeping the sheet on her body.

"Erin…" She turned her attention to Jay. She said nothing, just looking at him. He was about to say something about the two of them but she talked first knowing exactly he would talk about what just happened 20 minutes ago, and she didn't want to. Instead she wanted to know what happened with Carl.

"Talk to me Jay" He knew she was referring to his test, what was in his obstinate head.

"I… I can't Erin." He said as he looked back to the cell. "I'm not ready to talk about this… at least not yet"

"Will you be one day?" she still looked at him.

He didn't respond… at first. He looked at the celling and then looked at her.

"Maybe one-day right?". A sad smile crossed her face before she decided to close her eyes so she could sleep. This night was a though one and she was exhausted.

Jay couldn't sleep so he watched her. She was so peaceful.

He tried his hardest to sleep but it was to difficult. He was scared that if he went to sleep, he would relive these nightmares he fought so hard to forget them. He watched the clock on his beside table. It was 4:52 am.

He let out a groaned. Then he felt Erin changing of position. For a second he thought he woke her up, but he didn't. She was facing him, still sleeping. He looked at her and fighting the urge to kiss her bare shoulder. Then he immediately looked away and decided to get up. He put a jean and took a checked shirt in the dressing putting it on without button up. He only rolled up his sleeves and walked out the bedroom. He headed toward the bar and poured him a glass of whiskey. He knew he shouldn't drink but hell… he needed it after everything that happened. Once he did he walked in front of the bay and looked at his beautiful city. He had one hand on the window to support him self and in the other hand he had his glass. He stood there for like an hour.

He sipped his third glass still looking at the city. Then he heard bangers. He jumped with fright and in his way he dropped his glass on the floor.

"Shitttt" he whispered out loud. He looked at the floor seeing the pieces of glass spread on the ground. He was feeling so dumb and paranoid. It was just some stupid kid trying to make a firework. Still it felt like gunshots. Maybe he had a little to drink he thoughts. But he didn't feel drunk or something like that.

He bent his knees to collect the several pieces on the floor and heard footsteps coming out from the bedroom. He closed his eyes, angry at himself because he would wake Erin up.

He looked up to find her in her black nightie, hanging her hair in a ponytail.

"What happened" she looked at him confused.

"Sorry I woke you up… You can go back to sleep it's nothing"

She looked down seeing the pieces of glass and the liquid on the ground. Then her eyes combined with angriness and disappointment.

"tell me you weren't drinking again Jay?"

"oh come on it was just my only one!"

She looked up and put both of her hands on her hairs. "sure it was…"

He stood up and threw the pieces on the trash before walking back to Erin.

"Erin can you just trust me for once?"

"How can I trust you when I found you on the middle of the night drinking whiskey?"

"I couldn't sleep okay?"

There was a silent.

"I trust you Jay… okay? I trust you with my life and everything. I just don't trust you for yours, I don't trust you from yourself. And maybe all this was a mistake. Maybe you should be fully concentrate on this mission and on yourself." She whispered as she looked down.

"what do you mean it was a mistake?" he looked at her confused

She looked up but didn't say anything.

"So you regret what happened tonight…" It wasn't a question, more like an affirmation.

He wished she would contradict it. But she didn't instead she looked away.

"right…" he stepped back still looking at her. "well maybe I deserved all of this"

"Jay..." she said as she tried to stepped forward but stopped when he made a sign with his hand to not approach him.

She looked at him buttoning his shirt, taking his shoes and walking toward the exit door.

"Where are you going?" she asked sadly.

"None of your business I guess" he snapped back before slamming the door.

She let out a sigh and hit the window with her palm. She groaned at the pain that caused it and looked back at the door. She was very concerning about Jay. This operation really changed him and she was afraid he would do something stupid.

She wasn't tired anymore. So instead she poured herself a cup of coffee and went to the terrace. She sat herself on the outside's chair and looked at the sunrise. After an hour she decided to take a bath to relax herself. So she headed toward the bathroom and opened the door. There she saw her dress and Jay's shirt and tie on the floor still wet. Then flashbacks form last night came back. Both of them so vulnerable in this shower. And maybe they drank a little too much to just forget they were both in a relationship with someone else.

But yet it felt so… right, so good. She shook her head and grabbed their outfit and hung them so they could dry. Then she ran herself a bath and relaxed herself in the hot water, welcoming the sunbeams across her face.

It was almost midday and Jay hasn't shown himself yet. She was becoming to be worried. She was ready to call him when she heard the door open.

It was Jay. He wasn't drunk and was safe so she was relieved.

"Hey…" she whispered with her raspy voice.

"Hey" he replied coldly not looking at her. She could saw he was a mess with his crumpled shirt and the top of it unbuttoned, his messy hair...

"you wanna eat something?"

He didn't respond, he just ignored her and walked toward the bathroom closing the door behind him. He wasn't hungry. All the stress of the night, all the events made him sick. Once he left the room last night, after his argue with Erin, he went at some bar and drank. But after an hour he left the bar and walked in the he vomited for the next two hours. Not because he drank to much, but because he was stressed, anxious, confused, scared… the alcohol just sped the process.

Erin plopped down on the couch and ran her hair through her hair. "Come on Erin, pull yourself together. It's Jay, your best friend…" she muttered to her self before standing up and heading toward the small kitchen near the bar.

Jay stepped out from the shower and put a towel around his waist. He walked in front of the worktop, placing his hands on each side of it with the water tap between them. He looked down and closed his was a mess. He wasn't feeling himself. Everything changed in his life. Nothing was the same, he wasn't the same anymore. And this thing with Carl last night… it messed up his head.

 _"you wanted to see us Captain?"_

 _"Yes, Thank you for coming Lieutenant Halstead and Gerwitz..."_

Jay was having Flashback.

 _"We have a situation"_

 _"What's that"_

 _"A group of soldier has been taken in an embuscade and some of them kidnaped. The other... killed. We have to bring them back. For that we need all of our best men. Are you agree to lead this operation"_

 _"Yes sir" They both respond in same time_

 _J_ ay looked up to. He wiped the mist that was covering the mirror to finally meet his reflect. He couldn't face it.

Carl really knows what he is doing he admitted to himself. Maybe he can fix me? But Jay shook his head.

No! Come on Jay, don't let you fall into this spiral thing. You are in undercover. This is not real. This is bad. What they are doing is bad. They are bad. Come on you can do this. He repeated to himself

He put a black jean and a white tee shirt and stepped out from the bathroom. He still had his hair wet with droplet falling on his tee shirt. He entered the leaving room and saw Erin in her skinny jeans. Fortunately, she had her back on him so she couldn't catch him staring at her. He looked at his watch. It was 12:30. He put some shoes and his black jacket and headed toward the front door but was stop by Erin's voice. "Where are you going? I've made lunch…"

"I've a meeting with Carl" he didn't turn away.

"since when" she asked confused

"Since this morning. Henry called me…" he turned his head in her direction and back to the door. He opened it and walked out.

Erin let out a sigh. She needed to make these things right between the both of them. If they don't even talk how can she knows where is he or what is he doing.

Jay met Carl and henry at the hall.

"Jay" Carl exclaimed out loud. "I didn't know if you'd come… After last night… I was afraid we pushed this test a little to far. I'm sorry… really! You have been leaving the hell over there"

Jay didn't respond he just looked him straight in the eyes.

"But you'll be better I can assure you. You just have to let it all go, just to lose control"

 _He's messing with your head Jay! Just pretend._ He said to himself

"I'm all in" he said putting a fake smile on his face.

They all headed toward the Hotel's restaurant and sat at the table.

"So I passed your test for whatever reason you have… what's next now?"

Carl and Henry exchanged a look and Carl looked back at jay with a smile.

"Now I'm gonna fix you Jay"

"And how?"

"Well we are on something big, but first I want to show you something.

I want to show you the appeasement, the satisfaction and the warmth that a fire can provide."

There was a little silence before Jay broke it.

"So that what you do to people like me? You put them in front of a fire and let them watch it"

Carl laughed. "Jay you won't just watch the fire. You will turn it on. In fact, you will turn it on for our big hit! But first you'll start slowly, with small stuffs. Still you will sense something in you that I think you'll like."

Jay didn't respond… first. "And what do you get in exchange? Don't tell me you just wanna help me…"

"Oh I do Jay. I know what you've through. Because I've been through the same thing. All I want in exchange is the confirmation that you will stay in this organization"

"How long?"

"As long as I want. It could be a year or 10 years. Depends if I find another potential guy to take over you. Henry told me you had something in you that would give this organisation something… more. And from what I saw last night, he was right…"

Jay looked at Henry who gave him a little wink as to say to trust him.

Jay was impatient to know what Carl had prepared for him. Carl gave him an appointment at 8 pm. All he said was "8 pm because the feeling will be greatest"

Jay knew he would set on a fire, and at 8 pm, it was dark outside. So he figured out that the fire on the dark might provide him more appeasement.

It was at 3 pm that Jay decided to go back to the room. He saw Erin on the couch with her computer on her legs.

"hey" she said as she turned her head in his direction

He made a sign with his head to respond. Nothing more.

"so I've been searching on Carl phone from the computer to look his calls or messages but there is nothing. No clue about this hit, no suspect, nothing…"

"Maybe you should talk to his wife. She might know something…" he was facing the window staring at the city.

"yeah that what I twas thinking about… And Henry? does he know something?"

"I'll ask him."

"So are you making progress? What does carl wanted to talk about?"

"nothing important"

"Jay you have to tell me something. Everything is important. Anything that I can report to the team or so I can help you with"

"I'll report to the team don't worry. For the rest I don't need help. I have everything under control"

"Jay…" she was cut off

"I'm gotta go the gym" he snapped as he headed toward the dressing room to dress up.

Erin was more and more worried about Jay behaviour. He would hide things from her and she didn't like it. She was afraid that Carl really messed up with his head, that he would play with his memories to affect him. What if Jay has been corrupt by carl? She took these thoughts out of her head. She knew Jay, and he would never betray her or his team. They were his family. He was just a little lost, that all.

Jay walked out from the dressing wearing his grey sweatsuit and a white tee shirt that hugged his torso. She would stare at his perfect body. She still couldn't be used to this even if she passed a night with him. But she quickly took of her eyes from his body and looked at his face. She was searching any emotion on it that would prove he was a 100% with her and his team and not with this psychopath. But she saw nothing. She should be used to that too.

She watched him leave the room. Maybe this gym will help him to liberated his frustration she thoughts. He needed this.

So Erin decided to carry on with her research on any clue that she would find on Carl and this "big hit".

Jay enter in a big gym room. There were several activities available to him: body building, treadmill, box…

He decided the box would be the best way to liberate his anger and frustration. So he put boxing gloves and began to hit at the punching bag. He had so anger in him. All he could think about was the memory Carl made him relieve again and again for an hour. He hit the punching bag more and more violently. After 1 hour of boxing he decided to pass to treadmill to run a little bit.

All this sport made him feel more relax and stronger.

After 2 hour of sport he decided to come back to the room. Erin wasn't at home. She left him a note on the counter: _I'm meeting Carl's wife. I'll be back for dinner._

But Jay wouldn't be there for dinner. He had his appointment with carl and Henry. He just put the note back on the counter and headed toward the bathroom to take a shower before his meeting.


	10. Chapter 10

Erin went to a wonderful café on the top floor of a tower. There were windows on every walls which plunged the café onto the city of Chicago. She had a meeting with Julia, Carl's wife. Erin wanted to know more about the big hit that they were about to achieve. Since Jay left her in the shadows, she considered that Julia could enlighten her a little more.

She entered in the very modern room and searched for Julia. After a few seconds she saw her sitting in a table in front of a window. She had to admit, she took a very good spot.

Erin arrived by behind Julia and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey Julia, how are doing?" she asked calmly.

"Oh hey" Julia respond as she turned around to face Erin. Erin was wearing a pale pink slim jean with a white long-sleeves pull. Her hair hanged in a ponytail. "I'm doing fine. What about you? And Jay?" she asked sincerely.

"Well I'm doing good" she responded as she sat in front of woman. "as for Jay" she continued "I don't know". She looked at her hands "He looks…"

"lost?" Julia finished her sentence. Erin looked up to meet Julia's eyes full of compassion.

"Yeah" she murmured with her raspy voice looking back at her hands. "he doesn't talk to me anymore, there is no more conversation. He won't let me in…"

"It's normal Erin" Julia put her hands on Erin's. "He just came from a hell he used to leave and the comeback to reality is very difficult to deal with. All he wanted since he came back was to take back his old life… but it's nearly impossible for these soldiers. They are marked for life." There was a silence "He's doing nightmares doesn't he?"

Erin didn't respond. Instead she looked through the window. She thought at all the nightmares Jay did since this mission.

Julia understood he had some. She continued "He relieves these traumatic events and he's unable to prevent these memories to come back haunting him. He lives with them, every day, every night, every single seconds… in every moment he passes with you. It's horrible Erin." Julia tried to catch Erin's eyes and when she found them she added "You have to understand that if he doesn't open up it's normal. Maybe he will one day… and maybe he never will. All you have to do is wait and trust him… especially now. I've been in the same position as you are now. I know how it's like. It's not funny at all, it's perturbing and scary. But it's a lot worse for him."

"What did you do for him to open up to you?"

"I've waited 8 years dear. I've waited and waited and then one day he came back… He told me he just watched a car burning and then he stopped talking." She let out a little laugh "I remember once he told me that he just stared at the emptiness and he began to open up. It was little things but it was a lot."

"What's your husband gonna do to mine Julia? I need to know" Erin asked impatiently

"No you don't. All you need to know is that your husband is gonna need you to listen to him and understand what he's been through… without judging. All he has done…" there was a silence "it could exceed your imagination."Erin looked at Julia before Julia added "Don't worry. My husband will take care of him. He will not force yours to do anything. Just trust your man Erin…"

Once Erin left the café, she realized that she would learn more and more about what could be in Jay's head. And it terrified her. It was 8:15 pm when she arrived in her room but there was no one to be see. She called Jay's name several times but in vain. The room was empty. Jay left few minutes before her. She didn't know why he wasn't home. She thought he would be there when she came back and that they would pass the evening together. He didn't even leave a note for her. She told herself that maybe he needed the night off and then he would be back soon. So she cooked herself some food and watch a movie.

 _Meanwhile_

Jay drove until the address that Henry sent him. He was anxious about this meeting; he didn't know quite what he would do.

It was 8:05 when he arrived in the place. He got off his motorbike and get off his helmet so he could have a better view of the big warehouse he was facing. He looked one last time at the address on his phone before starting to walk in. Once he arrived he saw a hug place with a high ceiling covered with a big black stain. There was nothing in the place. It was desert. Lights were switch on but there was no one. All he saw was several windows on every walls a garage door on the left. Speaking of garage door, this last one open herself to let appear a car with both carl and Henry in it. They parked the car in the middle of the place just under the black mark of the celling. He looked at Henry opening the door for Carl.

"I'm sorry for the waiting in this… emptiness." Carl said as Henry helped him to put him in his wheel chair.

"emptiness doesn't bother me…" He responded nonchalant. Was it true? He didn't know. He would have faced several time the emptiness in his life. But saying he was used would have been a lie.

"Is that so?... That's not what I understood from last night" Carl replied tilting his head a little bit as he looked at Jay.

Jay didn't respond. Instead he changed the subject. "Anyway… what am I doing here?" he asked as he watched Henry taking out gasoline cans from the car trunk and putting them in front of him.

"In front of you, you can find 5 cans of gasoline. I want you to pour them all over the car, all around the car and along the way until over there." Carl pointed a direction. "over there is where we are gonna stand and watch the spectacle". Jay didn't understand the point of setting on a fire at first. Of course in his job he would saw burning car or house. It didn't provide anything. And he wasn't a psycho like carl was. He didn't need to switch on fire or anything to overcome his fear. He was handling it more than fine. But he decided to do it anyway. He needed carl to trust him for the next hit.

So Jay did what he was ask to do. He poured the five cans of gasoline on the car and around it and traced a way with the liquid as far as he was told so. Once he did he threw the last cans beside him.

"What's next?" he asked Carl. This last one gave him a box of long matches. He gave Henry a nod and this one switch off the lights. They were now fully on the darkness. Jay didn't like it. He wasn't scared but the darkness made him feel uncomfortable and threatened.

"Now I want you to light a match". So Jay did it. He instinctively stared at the flame consuming the match.

"and I want you to think about what you told us on your test. Remember?... The night… where your Captain sent you and Mouse… over there…" Jay couldn't take out his eyes from the burning match. He was plunged in his dark memory. And the fact that the match was long didn't help. Carl took them in purpose.

"what did you feel Jay this night?" he could feel Jay groaning, frowning, still staring at the flame. His fingers were trembling but still, he kept the match in them. He couldn't stop trembling and and couldn't take off his memory from his head. It was dark and he could feel a cold wind taking hold of him.

The darkness, the coldness, the memory, Carl's voice, all of it was to much for him. He couldn't move. He was in his worst nightmare. He was cold and his heart was racing. His memory… he couldn't face it anymore. But it wouldn't leave his head. He was angry…scared… He tried to close his eyes but didn't help. His eyes became red. He wasn't crying but it was the result of his rage. Carl could see Jay frowning harder and harder and clenching his teeth. He was trying to calm down but Carl didn't help.

"what did you felt when you pulled the trigger… Jay?" Jay fell into his knees. He was staring at the flame but all he could think about was this… night.

"What do you feel in your chest?" Carl asked slowly as he looked at Jay intensely. He was pushing him on the edge. He knew Jay would soon break down. "Is that rage?... because she is dead?... or is that sadness? … because she was just a girl… just a little innocent girl…"

"ENOUGH" jay yelled as he threw the match on the ground where he poured the gasoline. He dropped his arms, his hands now touching the ground.He looked at the fire unrolling along the line of gasoline he poured along the ground, to finally reaching the car.

They were in the dark and the only light source was the fire in front of them which illuminated their face. Henry turned his attention from the fire to Jay. He could see his hard face. Frowning, red eyes and teeth clenched. He asked himself if he was playing his role or if it was real? If not, he was really good at pretending. But he knew all wasn't fake. He could see Jay was really affected by the situation. He turned back his attention to the fire which was heading forward the car. He put his hands on his pockets and took a slow breath.

Jay looked at the car quickly joined by the fire. He let out a sigh and progressively stopped trembling. A few second after the fire reach out the car, this last one exploded, providing a bigger fire. Jay could feel the heat increase and coming over his body.

"you feeling that weight lifting off your chest?" Carl whispered to Jay who was still staring at the fire, unable to take off his eyes from it.

"that's relief… because it makes you realize that you are alive… for a reason"

Jay didn't look at him but listened to him. A tear came out from the corner of his right eyes. Jay admitted that the fire provided him something he would never feel before. He stood up still with his hard face, frowning. He continued to watch the fire consuming the car. Henry put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. Jay looked at Henry's hand and then directly at him. He nodded to him as for saying I'm fine.

"Now how are you feeling Jay?" Carl asked. First he didn't have his response. All they could hear was the fire still burning the car. It was kind of appeasing they had to admit.

"better…" Jay reply with a raspy voice.

"I'm glad you feel that way" Carl smiled satisfied.

"Now what?"

"Now you have a choice to make. You can pursue this experience by my side… or you can leave. The choice is yours"

There was a silence that felt like an eternity. Jay looked at the fire, with anger and with red eyes.

"I will let you the night to think abou…"

"I'm in" Jay cut him off.

Carl looked at Henry then at jay with a smile. "Fine"

"But in one condition…My wife doesn't know"

"Sounds good to me" he responded he held out his hand. Jay looked at it, looked at the fire for a few seconds and back to his hand and shook it. Henry was a little bit confused. Was Jay really serious about the fact not telling his "wife" or was he pretending.

"Now let's go take a drink" Carl said. They walked toward a door which reached to a cozy room. There were two couches, a TV, a bar and a refrigerator. They all sat and drank several glass of whiskey … They talked a lot about the organization, their 'achievement'. Jay was a lot confused in his head. What was he doing? He knew it was his mission to know more about this hit but a part of him has appreciated this experience he just realized.

After a few drinks, not much, he looked at his watch… it was 3 am. He stood up "I should go"

"I'll see you in 2 days to explain you all of it." He nodded and walked out the room. He was now in the huge place and kept walking while he looked, in his way out, at the decomposed car.

Once he was out from the warehouse he headed toward his motorbike and drove to the Hotel.

After midnight passed Erin decided to call it a night and went to her bedroom. Still she was worried that Jay wasn't home yet. She would put an alarm at 2 am and if he wasn't home she would start to call him. Once she did she wrapped herself in her sheets and tried to sleep. But she couldn't. She looked beside her, to the empty side of her bed and placed her hand on it.

She was thinking at her relationship with Jay. Did she really mess it all up? Who was, truthfully, Jay for her? Her partner? Her best friend? More? She was lost. She had Severide in one hand and Jay in the other. Sure she already had thought about Jay and her as more as partner.

But there were Voight's rules and the fact that Jay was with Allie and her with Kelly slowed down there growing relationship. And she got used to their partnership and friendship even if there was a lot of tension and flirt between them. Truthfully? She she had to admit kinda liked it. He made her laugh, he made her safe in every situation they would be, she could be her true-self without being judged … Yes, she was blossomed and radiant when she was with him.

And she really cared about Jay. He was one of the most important man in her life. He was her best friend and maybe she was closer to Jay than to Kelly. Jay certainly know her better than her boyfriend. She would open up to him about her past several times. And that why it hurt her when he wouldn't do the same in return. But she respected that. She needed to be patient.

It was now 2 AM and she didn't heard Jay coming back.


	11. Chapter 11

It was 2 am and Jay wasn't home. Erin felt the anxiety rising. It wasn't normal that Jay wasn't home. He would be outside fore more than 6 hours now. She tried several times to call him but she got his voicemail. So she decided to suit up and to go down to the reception. She put her jeans and Jay's black sweater. She got out from her room and charged down the stairs.

She walked quickly towards the receptionist.

"How can I help you mada…"

"Have you seen my husband since the last 6 hours?" she asked impatiently

"your husband?"

"Yeah… hum… Tall, pretty muscular, brown hair, blue eyes, with the beginnings of the beard" she looked at the receptionist with questioning eyes but he was as confused as she was.

"I'm sorry I …" he watched Erin taking her phone and searching for something. She showed him a picture of the both of them.

"Him… Have you seen him". The receptionist looked attentively at the picture. He shook his head.

"No I'm sorry I haven't"

Erin closed her eyes and got worked up. She hit the desk with her palm hand and turned around to get back to her room.

"Where the hell are you Jay?!" she murmured to herself. She didn't know what to do. He wasn't taking her calls; nobody has seen him. Once at her room she decided to call Antonio. She quickly grabbed her phone in her back pocket and dialed Antonio's number with trembling hands. She waited a few seconds before Antonio picked up.

 _"_ _Hey Erin what's up?"_ he asked with a sleepy voice

"Hey Antonio sorry to wake you up but…" she stopped talking for a few moments. She didn't know how to tell him she lost Jay. It was kinda of ridiculous. But she didn't care. She just let it out. "I can't find Jay!"

Antonio looked at the clock in his beside table. It was 2:20 AM. That wasn't Jay. He would never disappear that long without giving any news. He wasn't that irresponsible… well that what he thought.

 _"_ _Stay where you are I'm coming"_

"Okay" she hanged up. She was definitely worried. She was worried and angry after him but also after herself. Every thing was her fault she thought. She shouldn't have gone too far with him. Their night should never have happened. If they hadn't broken Voight' rules they would still talk and be real partner. And she blamed herself so bad for this. Jay wasn't himself and it wasn't the good time to mess up with his head more than it already was. Erin began to pacing still trying to call Jay's phone.

After several fails she hanged up and threw her phone on the couch. She kept pacing and stroked her hair. "come on Jay!" She was desperate. Then an idea came to her. She decided to take back her phone and this time dialed Henry phone. But once again she went straight to his voicemail. "What's wrong with you guys" She groaned. She wasn't feeling well. So to calm her down she placed herself in front of the bay window to admire her city. She placed her hands on her waist and waited for Antonio to show up.

She heard a knock at the door. She interiorly wished it was Jay who just lost his keys but she knew it wasn't him. That's why she wasn't surprise to see Antonio standing in front of her. This last one quickly entered the room. Once he was inside he turned around to face a worry and an exhausted Erin. She really was. All this mission was more complicated than she thought it would.

"I don't know where he is Antonio" Erin said with a tear coming out from her eye. She quickly wiped it.

"We'll find him" he took her in his arms "I'm sure he's fine…". After a few seconds he backed off and took his phone. He dialed Mouse's number and put the speaker. They heard Mouse picking up and Antonio didn't wait for him to speak.

"Hey mouse I need you. Could you try to ping Jay's phone. Erin and I can't find him and we are worried about him"

 _"_ _God… what has he done again?"_ He murmured as he got up from his bed, walked toward his computer and put the phone on his desk. He typed something on his computer and after a few seconds he took back his phone _"I … I can't find him. His phone must be turn off"._

Erin wasn't surprise. Still she was more and more anxious about the situation.

"okay thanks anyway"

 _"_ _Call me when you find him"._

Antonio hanged up. They exchanged look. There was no way they could join him or find him.

"How was he lately?" Antonio asked.

"Horrible… He's a mess. It's affecting him more than he wants to admit." Antonio seemed surprised, confused. She looked at him with sad eyes. "You know… It brought back some memories…"

Antonio didn't say anything. He just listened to her.

"and he began to withdraw into himself and stopped communicate with me… he doesn't keep me inform about the evolution of the case, he has meetings with Carl and Henry and doesn't bother to prevent me…"

Antonio began to realize how critical was the situation.

"You think they messed up with his head?" Antonio asked.

Erin didn't respond but looked at Antonio and her look told a lot. She didn't deny it.

"God" Antonio said as he stroked his hair and sat on the couch

"I knew this undercover was to dangerous…" Erin replied.

Antonio stood up to look at the lovely view they had from the living room. He couldn't believe Jay let himself being corrupt that easily.

After a few seconds he turned around "anyway… did you get something from Carl's wife?"

"Julia? No… She won't talk to me about the hit… Just that his husband will take care of Jay"

"Son of a bitch…" Antonio tuned back his attention to Chicago. He banged his fist on the window and put his head on his fist still on the window. As for Erin she sat on the couch and put her head on her hands. All they could do was waiting.

They wanted to wait until 5 am before calling it a disappearance. They stayed there in the silence. Neither of them wanted to talk. They were anxious. They both knew Jay very well. Antonio was the reason Jay joined this unit. They were like brothers and Antonio would put all of his faith in Jay. As for Erin… well, they were partners and maybe more but it wasn't her priority to think about, for now. She has Kelly as he has Allie and that's enough for them to understand they can't be more than partner.

It was 3:20 am and Jay still didn't show up. No sign of life, no news, nothing. Erin decided to break the silence

"Antonio we can't…" but she stopped in her way. She heard the door open, revealing Jay. He hadn't done a few stepped that Antonio quickly walked toward him and punched him in the face before grabbing him and pinning him against the wall. He put his right arms against his neck so couldn't move. Jay tried to fight back but was stuck.

Erin looked at the both of them, unable do or say anything. She was overtaken by the events.

Antonio looked at Jay, still keeping him against the wall while Jay was trying to free himself.

"Where were you? And you better answering me right or I swear to god…"

"I was with Carl and Henry at a meeting!" he responded angry. "What the hell are you doing?"

"with Carl and Henry huh?" Antonio threw him a look.

Jay looked at him confused and understood the meaning of all of this "Are you seriously …" Jay pushed Antonio harder making this last one to step back. Jay looked at the both of them with a hurt look, short of breath. "Do you seriously thinking that I betrayed you and the team" he looked at the both of them. "Who do you think I am?"

"well you tell me Jay…" Antonio snapped

Jay looked at Erin. "Erin…"

"don't…" she said in a low voice as she looked down.

"Don't what?" he steeped forward

"Don't Erin me okay?" she yelled "I don't know what I think… because I can't think. You aren't telling me things Jay. You were gone for more than 7 hours without warning me about anything. Did you just think about me for one second while you were gone?" Jay didn't respond. He knew he screwed up.

"No! exactly? And You know why? Because you aren't thinking straight…"

Once she told that, Jay thought at their interaction the night before, when she said to him that he needed to be a 100% in and for that they had to stop whatever they thought they were beginning. And after that he remember her words about the fact she regretted the night they passed together.

"I'm sorry. I should have warned you. It will not happen again I promised"

"Is that so?" Antonio asked

"yeah!" Jay looked at Antonio and then back at Erin "Far be it from me to cause any regretful act…". Erin let out a sigh and dropped her shoulder. She knew what he was talking about and she felt horrible that he was thinking that. She closed her eyes but still she felt him leaving the living room. He locked himself into the bathroom so he could take a shower.

"What is he talking about?" Antonio asked confused

Erin didn't respond yet. She looked at the emptiness before answering "Nothing… I'll take it from now. Thanks Antonio…" she looked at him with a sad smile. "Keep us informed about the case. You need to know when will happened the next hit and where…" Antonio as he stood in front of the front door.

"yeah you can count on me" she replied.

Antonio nodded and hugged her before leaving the room.

After he left, Erin poured herself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch waiting for Jay to exit the bathroom.

After a few minutes she heard him unlock the door and steeping forward the living room. He was in his sweatpants, shirtless. He saw Erin on the couch and let out a sigh. He knew she wanted to talk.

"Tell me everything now Jay" she ordered him.

"Oh come on Erin I'm tired I just want to sleep. I'm not in the mood for talking about what I feel. I'm fine okay?"

"Oh no no. I think you don't understand. I don't want you to tell me how you feel." She began to raise her voice. "I made myself the idea that you'll probably never talk to me about how you feel. But right now all I want is to you to tell me where you were and why and what progress you've made. Prove me that your still one of us. That no matter what you are still _MY_ partner." Jay didn't say anything while she was yelling at him. He just looked at her.

Once she was done he decided to speak.

"I was with Carl and Henry"

"Why?" she asked coldly.

"He wanted to make me feel the kind of _appeasement and relief_ that a fire could provide" Jay responded looking down at his feet

Erin looked shocked. She was speechless at first.

"did it work?"

There was a silence. Jay still looked at his feet.

"Yes" he finally admitted.

Erin nodded. She didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. A good thing because he was so tensed these last days and a bad thing because that would prove that they really can help him by doing these horrible things.

"So you lighted a fire?"

He nodded. "But I'm not one of them Erin… I promise" he stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders. She felt shiver all over her body. "I'm 100% with you and only you. You have to trust me" She closed her eyes while jay raised his hand up to her cheeks and she let him. But once she realized they were to close she put a hand on his torso and stepped back.

"I'll let you sleep." Was all she said before walking to her bedroom.

He watched her leave and laid down on the couch. It was almost 4 am and he was exhausted. But he was relief he had 2 days off. He would finally have time to pull himself together.

 _"_ _How are we gonna get them out of there Jay?" Mouse asked nervously._

 _"_ _I don't know" Jay replied preparing his stuff as Mouse was pacing behind him._

 _"_ _we are so screwed" Mouse continued to say._

 _Jay remained silent still packing._

 _"_ _You don't realize don't you Jay? We are gonna risk our lives and 6 other lives to save 3 man" Mouse followed Jay who looked for something in their military tented. "We've never lead an operation before. How are we gonna do?"_

 _Jay was still searching something in every storage case they had in their tent. Mouse was beginning to piss him of with all of his questions and the fact he couldn't find what he was searching for made it worse. "Are you even listen to me Jay? Do you have any plan?"_

 _Jay closed violently a drawer and turned around to face Mouse "No Mouse I don't know how we are gonna do it Okay?" he yelled at him "I have no idea how we are gonna get them out of there but I know that if it was both of us, I would like to know that men are coming for you… not even for me but for you." He put his hands on Mouse cheeks "Okay? So just content yourself with this answer and start to pack we are leaving soon." He gave him a little slap on the right cheek. He looked behind Mouse and headed toward his bed. He got out from his pillow a picture. It was Allie. She was laughing in this picture, god she beautiful. Jay smiled as soon as he put his eyes on it. He caressed it with his thumb and put the picture in his chest's pocket. He grabbed his bag and walked toward the tent in front of him._

Jay opened his eyes immediately, not wanting to continue his memory that came back in his dreams.

6 hours later Erin came back to the living room. Jay was still sleeping. He was laying on his stomach. The blanket fell on the floor revealing Jay's back, shirtless. He had both of his hands under his pillow. Erin silently poured herself a cup of coffee. She rested her shoulder against the wall and looked at him. She was thinking about the case, about him, her. She didn't want to wake him up. This week has been a rough one for him, he deserved some time to relax.

"You're staring" he said smiling with his eyes still closed.

"What? No I'm not" she said embarrassed.

"Yes you are" he laughed.

"Stop flatter yourself, smartass" she replied.

He opened his eyes, revealing his blue ocean eyes. She looked at them while they were adjusting to the sunlight. He rubbed them and finally looked at Erin. She looked beautiful as usual. He got up and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"So, I don't know yet when the next hit will happen…" Erin looked at him with full attention. "but Carl wants to see me in two days to explain to me how it will work… So I guess the hit will happen in 3 days."

"Okay! I'll inform the team…"

Jay nodded. "I think I'm gonna head to the fitness room." He said as he pointed the front door with his thumb.

"Oh wait I'm coming with you. Haven't practice for a while" she claimed.

"I can see that…" he said as he looked at her from top to bottom with a serious look.

She instantaneously punched him on the shoulder. He let out a laugh and walked into the dressing room dress himself, while Erin dress herself in the bathroom.

The both headed into the fitness room. After they had registered their name on the book, Erin directly walked toward the treadmill while Jay chose the rowing machine. They were one facing the other, both with their headphone. They exchanged a few glances and smiles but after an hour Erin decided to come back to the room. As for Jay he decided to carry on again a little bit. Even if he didn't show it, he was tensed since last night. He continued to relive again and again his memories. All he wanted to do was forget… but, well, he didn't have the choice. He had to live with these memories all his life. And he's been accepting that. But for now, sport was the only way to evacuate his frustration. He needed to clear his mind. After 2 hours he stopped whatever he was doing and got up from his machine. He put a towel behind his neck, and began to walk in front of the exit door. But as he was doing so, someone crashed into him and got his shirt wet.

Jay looked down to his shirt and up to the person who just ran into him. It was a young woman she was smaller than him, mid-20's. She was blond with mid long hair, actually she braided her hair on the right side and had some wicks falling. That's all he could see from where he was. Firstly, she looked at his shirt. Then she looked up to meet his blue eyes. And then he saw her green eyes.

"What a cliché!" She laughed to herself.

"Excuse me?" Jay nervously asked laughing in turn.

"Sorry" she stopped laughing "It's just a girl bumping into a handsome guy, splitting water all over his shirt… it's the kind of cliché you find in romantic film."

"Oh I see…" there was a little silent "Well, I love romantic film…" he smiled at her.

"And in addition you're a sensitive guy huh?"

"What can I say? I'm the perfect gentleman" he smirked

"Don't even start" She laughed. He instinctively noticed her beautiful smile. He also remembered that Erin replied the same thing long before.

"I'm Jay by the way" He hold his hand. She looked at it and back to his face.

"Yeah I know" she said still smiling as she began to walk away.

"How?" he asked out loud, confused, but she was already gone. He dropped his hand. He seemed a little bit disorientate after this meeting. She was quite a woman. He let out a little laugh and resumed his walk back to his room.


	12. Chapter 12

When Jay came back to the room, Erin had already taken her shower. She was wearing a khaki shorts and a white cami top. She had her hair down. She was sitting in front of the outside table in the terrace, facing her computer. She had her cup of coffee near her computer. It was a beautiful day so she decided to make the most of it.

Once Jay took his shower he decided to join her on the terrace. He put a bright blue jeans and a white tee shirt. He opened the bay window and walked to the terrace. He sat himself in front of Erin.

Erin caught him staring at her through her sunglasses and looked back to her computer.

"What are you looking at?"

He didn't respond. Instead he asked an other question. "you wanna go eat something? I know a place. Think you'll like it…"

"God I was hoping you would ask me that. I'm literally starving" She shut her computer and stood up.

"Let's go than" He added as he stood up in turn.

For the first time, Jay drove. Erin could tell he was now feeling in control. It made her smile.

"How does it feel to be the housewife?" he asked her throwing her a quick look.

"Ha ha… don't get use to it smartass!"

He laughed. "Anyway, where are we going?" she asked.

"just enjoy my driving…"

5 minutes later Jay stopped the car.

"wait for me here"

He entered in their favorite Chinese restaurant and walked out a few minutes later with bags of food. He got back to the car, put the bags on the back seats and started the car again. After a few minutes, Erin began to feel nervous. She didn't like to be in the shadow. She wanted to know where they were going.

"Where are you taking me Halstead?" Erin asked as she looked through the window.

"Do you realize that's the fifth time you're asking me?"

"well tell me and I'll stop asking" Erin made a face that made Jay laugh. He let pass a moment before answering.

"Someplace … peaceful, someplace beautiful"

15 minutes later he parked his car. They got out and looked at the beautiful place dominated by greenery. There was a wonderful pond in front of them. The sun's rays reflected on the little waves on the surface of the water.

There wasn't a lot of people at this hour, just a few children playing. It was even more peaceful and pleasant.

All they could hear was the sound of the water, singing birds, the sound of leaves rustling and the children's laugh.

"Jay it's…" Erin was speechless. They were side by side looking at the stunning place.

"someplace peaceful, someplace beautiful" he said quietly admiring the view he had in front of him.

Erin turned her head to look at Jay.

"Come on let's go take a spot." He said.

He put his arm around Erin's shoulder and they walked toward the pond. After they found a sunny spot, Jay handed a bag a Chinese food to Erin. During all the lunch they did small talk. But while they were talking Erin received a text. She looked at her phone.

"You've gotta be kidding me…" she smiled. However, she seemed a little bit shocked by what she received.

"What? Who's that?" Jay asked. So Erin handed him her phone. He looked at it and a smile appear on his face too.

It was from Burgess. She sent Erin a picture of her and Ruzek, showing her left hand with an engagement ring.

"Finally" he looked at the picture.

"Wait… you knew he was gonna propose her?"

"I helped him buying the ring…" he said nonchalant as he gave her phone back.

"seriously? And you didn't tell me?"

"It would have spoil the surprise… Plus I promised Adam I wouldn't tell anybody"

She looked at him "Well, in that case, you're a good friend".

"Yeah maybe" he let out a small, nervous laugh. He replied in a way he didn't believe it.

After they finished their dish they didn't talk for a moment. Erin closed her eyes and decided to enjoy the warm rays of the sun on her face. As for Jay, he pulled up the weeds.

 _"_ _Captain we are ready." Mouse said as both of him and Jay stood to attention_

 _"_ _Great! May I present you your squad team." The captain replied._

 _"_ _Mark Parker" he shook Jay's and Mouse's hands. Mark had brown hair, and green eyes. He was tall and broad shouldered._

 _"_ _Logan Smith" he shook Jay's and Mouse's hands. He had blond hair, the beginning of a beard with blue eyes._

 _"_ _Matt Davis" he shook Jay's and Mouse's hands. Matt seemed very young… maybe too young._

 _"_ _Jake Miller" he shook Jay's and Mouse's hands. This one seemed very confident. He had dark hair with his eyebrows frowning. His handshake was hearty._

 _"_ _Ryan Walker" he shook Jay's and Mouse's hands. Ryan was tall and muscular. He had brown hair and brown eyes._

 _Once they all shook each other hands, the Captain spread the map on the table. They all stood around the table and all leant over the map._

 _"_ _Gentleman, this is a serious situation. That means it's a risky mission you're about to do" He looked at all of the men before looking back to the map. "According to the information's we received the hostages are standing somewhere around there" he pointed out a large area._

 _"_ _It's practically a village… don't you have a more specify zone from where they can be?" Mark asked_

 _"_ _Unfortunately we don't" the captain responded as he straightened his back._

 _"_ _So that means we are going to search every house of the village?" Ryan asked_

 _"_ _That's nearly impossible Sir. We can't search on every spot without getting caught" Jake added._

 _"_ _Yes it is" the captain began to raise the voice and banged his fist on the table. After a moment he decided to calm down. He let out a sigh. "You're all good soldier. That's why I chose you to carry out this operation. I know this seems impossible but…_

 _You're in my unit because I believe in you. I believe in you every day. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. And do you know why you'll succeed?"_

 _Nobody responded. So the captain pointed Jay and Mouse "Because of these two. They are the best hope you have". They all looked Jay and Mouse. The two of them looked at each other a little surprise._

 _"_ _Now let me explain you how you're gonna proceed…"_

Jay was in his thoughts but Erin couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

"What's up?" she finally asked

He continued to to pull up the weeds from the ground. "nothing…" he didn't look at her.

"nothing?"

"nothing…"

"God jay could you just for once confess what you have in mind?" she said irritated.

"what do you mean?" he asked annoyed

"are you seriously asking me what I mean?"

"Ya! Ya I'm asking you!"

"Well how about the fact that you never told me what happened in your test with Carl? The night he took you in that room and did to you whatever the hell he did to you?"

"Oh so you want talk about this night? Well that's cool because I want talk about this night too!" he stood up "but not the same moment as you" he looked down at her "you see, I want to talk about what happened 1 hour later…" he was referring to the moment they both had.

She stood up. "Okay fine! Talk…"

"I wanna know what it meant…"

"I don't know what it meant okay? It all happened so fast, we got caught up and…"

"Oh so we got caught up?" he cut her "Just like that" he snapped his fingers.

She didn't respond. She wanted to say something back but she was overtaken and she couldn't think straight.

"Why is it such a big deal for you? Things like that happens all the time between friends" she finally said.

He looked taken aback. He couldn't believe she though their friendship was like any other friendship. That their friendship was above all the others who just sleep together and act like nothing happened. He though it was a little bit more than that. Not in a romantic way but like a friendship that nothing would came across them, not some sort of sex friends. In that moment he took a new look at themselves. Maybe he was all wrong. Maybe they were just simple partners who get along well. He wanted to yell at her but decided to calm down. But that didn't mean he wasn't still angry… angry at her, but also angry at himself for being so naive. He looked elsewhere while she looked down.

"yeah no you're probably right… It was a mistake. All of this was a mistake. Being friends was a mistake, being your partner was a mistake, sleeping with you was a mistake. Even taking you to this peaceful place was a mistake. Because from where I'm standing, I don't feel peace, I don't see beauty. All I feel is disgust and and …" he stopped talking. Maybe he went a little to far.

"God who are you right know?" she asked. And that was it. This was the sentence that broke him inside. He wished so badly she wouldn't ask that. His best friend really didn't know who he was.

He saw her eyes becoming red but he knew she wasn't gonna cry. Unlike her he knew her to well and knew she wasn't the kind of person to cry just because of a fight between friends. Well if he could call them like that. Her last sentence resonated in his head. It really sounded like she didn't know him at all anymore. And it hurt him. Of course it was difficult these days for him. For which one wouldn't it be? All of his past came back and he had to swallow it all in once.

"I messed up okay? We messed up! our relationship, our friendship even our partnership…But I still need you in my life Jay!"

"As friend right?" he looked at her. She didn't responded.

"right…" he replied before adding calmly "No Erin, I can't be your friend! I can't do this anymore" he turned around. He wanted to leave but Erin caught his arm and stopped him. "Jay…"

"No I'm serious Erin" he turned back at her and interrupted her "I can't see you anymore, I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't even wanna look at you and I sure as hell I don't wanna be your friend"

It was to much. He was done fighting for a person who doesn't even know him. He couldn't see the point of being with someone who use him just to have fun.

Maybe he was wrong on her intention. But he was too exhausted to find the truth. He no longer had the strength. All he wanted to talk about was their friendship, he wanted to say that it was the maybe the most important thing in his life. He wanted to make things right between them and for that of course they needed to talk about what happened. But this conversation went so wrong.

She watched him go away. And that's when she realized they both acted like two strangers. And maybe that what broke her inside too. She used to know Jay like no one else. But after today, she didn't know who he was anymore, she didn't even know who she was either. Now she knew it would never be the same between them. And it devastated her. She didn't know how they ended up like that…

She turned around to face the pond and put her hands on her waist. She closed her eyes and tried to look back at their friendship. They were so… and now they are so…

She didn't have the words. However, she didn't like how things ended. So she decided to turn around and search for Jay. She wanted to make things right between them.

So she ran in the same direction that Jay took. And then she recognized the parking's way. She hoped Jay wouldn't leave this place without her. She soon realized that Jay's car was gone.

"You're not serious" she said to herself. She looked around her and of course there were no one.

Jay was in the living room, typing whatever he was typing on his computer. Erin stormed into the room and headed toward Jay.

"What the hell was that" she yelled at him

"was what?" he didn't look at her. Instead he kept typing.

"Don't you dare scorn me!"

"I don't know what you're talking about Erin"

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, you coward"

"What did you said to me?" he stood up

"And don't you dare frighten me" She looked him in the eyes

He could saw the rage and the anger in her eyes.

"Do you realize you left me all alone in your peaceful, beautiful whatever place?"

"We are no friends anymore remember? We are nothing! So I have no obligations to you"

"No, no, no" she laughed as she shook her head and hands. "You said we weren't friend anymore. And if it's what you want fine!" she yelled "But I'm still YOUR partner okay?"

"You don't dump me like that okay? Maybe that's something you do with Allie or even your friends but not with me"

"Don't put Allie in this shit!"

"Oh so now you feel guilty about her?"

"What kind of dog do you think I am? Of course I feel guilty! I don't usually sleep with all my friends" he insisted on the "I" and "Friends". She realized he would just call her a whore.

"what did you just say?" he didn't respond. Instead he just looked at her.

She slapped him on the face. "you don't get to call me a whore!" she looked at him "What happened to you, to us?"

After a few seconds a silence he broke it "this thing between us is finished… It's over"

"yeah… Yeah We're done; our friendship is done!"

She turned around, took her black leather jacket, her room's and car's keys and walked out.

She opened her car's door and got in. She violently closed the door and put her hands on the steering wheel. She exhaled slowly trying to calm her nerves. But she couldn't. So she let go all the frustration she had and hit the steering wheel with her hands.

After a moment she felt a little better but she didn't want to go home, so she drove to a bar.


	13. Chapter 13

Once Erin stormed out from the hotel room, Jay put down his computer and put his head in his hands. _Who are you?_ Erin's voice continued to resonate in his mind. Why did he make this a big deal? He knew deep inside who he was. And maybe that was what he was scared of. He didn't want to be who he really was.

So it was easier to just put a smile on, and do like everything is fine. He didn't want anybody to know who he really was. And more his true-self came back, the more he tried to hide it, at any cause, at any ways. He was scared of who he really was. And if being the bad guy would cost him Erin, well he was ready to be the bad guy. It was in her best interest. She wouldn't know what he's done, who he really is. She would be better without him. Well that what he thought.

He was about to get up when he heard someone open the door.

"Erin?" A small part of him hoped it would be her. Another part, a bigger part, hoped she would understand that she had to be as far away from him. Again, for her own sake. But he knew she wouldn't do that. He was his partner and leaving him wasn't an option.

Once he turned around he found Henry. This last one looked pressed.

"Nop, no Erin… come on man the hit is tonight" he grabbed Jay's arm and helped him up from the couch.

"What? Now? Wait we have to inform the team. I can't leave like that" he tried to turn around but was held strongly by Henry.

"I've already done that. They are in their way! Come on we don't have much time."

Henry walked toward the front door, followed by Jay. They got in Henry's car and this one start to drive. For a moment they didn't talk. Henry looked intensely at the road. He looked a little bit tensed that didn't go unnoticed by Jay. Something was off.

"where are we going?" Jay asked a little nervous.

"we are hitting the 51" Henry declared as he still looked at the road.

Jay instantly turned his head and looked at henry, in shocked. He didn't expect the hit would be that big. He though they were just gonna choose something less big, like an abandoned house or warehouse. How ironic it was. Pyromaniacs burning down a casern.

"you're not serious?"

"What? It's not like we are really gonna do it" he let out a nervous giggle.

"how about the firefighters? because you know that some of them are on shift tonight…"

"No, not tonight. The casern is in renovation for the next days. That's why carl wanted to do it as fast as we can"

"How about carl? Is he waiting for us over there?"

"He will be joining us later. We have to prepare the stuff for start…"

Jay looked at the back seats and saw several cans of gasoline. He felt more and more nervous about all this. Even if he knew it wasn't gonna happen he was afraid that something goes wrong. Once he finally turned back he asked, "Are you sure the team knows about this?"

Henry received a text. He discretely looked at his phone to read the message. Jay couldn't quite see who it was or what it was saying. He looked at henry turning off his phone.

"It was Voight… they are waiting for us outside the 51 for a quick meeting before Carl arrives".

Jay looked back at the road. He was kind of nervous about all this. He wasn't in his best today; he had a fight with Erin, he was tired because he didn't sleep much these days, he had memories coming back… He has seen better days. But that wasn't important. He needed to be concentrate on his mission: catch this psychopath and put all this behind him for once and for all. But could he really do it? Putting all behind him?

Once they arrived they both got out from the car. Jay looked around while Henry headed toward the car trunk.

"Where are they?" Jay still looking around

"They aren't here?" Henry asked as he closed the car trunk.

"No! where are they henry?"

"calm down Jay? They told me they were here…" they both looked around. "they must be inside… come on let's go" henry said

Jay nodded and walked toward the front door of the casern. Once he steeped inside there was no one. It was dark and quiet. There wasn't the fire-trunks anymore. It was all empty. "Where the hell are they Henry…I'm calling them"

Jay turned around to look at henry while this last one hit him over the head with a metal bar. Jay immediately fell on the ground knocked out. Henry breathed out before taking jay's hands and pulled him against a wall. He handcuffed jay's hands on a bar hanging over his head. So he had his arms hold up and his head down still unconscious. Before he left he took jay's phone and turned it off so that nobody could track them. He put it on his pocket and headed toward the casern's break room leaving Jay on the parking trucks.

When Erin came back to the hotel, she was still pissed at Jay. She didn't want to go back to their room. She didn't want to have to deal with him, to see him. But like she said, she is still his partner. She has responsibilities. Once she passed the reception, the receptionist called her.

"Mrs Cooper?" Erin didn't respond.

"Mrs cooper?" The receptionist called louder. Erin turned around. She forgot she was under the name of Cooper. She really needed to get use to it, and the faster she did, the better it was.

"Sorry, I was in my thought. How can I help you" she asked?

"Oh you can't help me…" he smiled "But I can help you. I just wanted to tell you that I saw your Husband leaving the hotel like an hour ago with another man. They seemed very pressed." Erin looked confused.

"I figured you'd want to know since the other night I haven't much useful."

"How was the guy with him?"

"Hum… tall, court hair, salt and pepper hair, about forty years old…"

"Henry" she murmured confused. And then she realized. The hit was gonna happen, and soon. She left the receptionist and ran toward the exit. She turned up on the street, it was already dark. She got into her car and dialed Voight number.

"Erin? Every thing is good?"

"No! did henry called you?"

"No why would he want to call me?"

"he left the hotel with Jay hurriedly… I think the hit is tonight"

"Shit! MOUSE ping Jay's phone" Erin could hear him screaming over the phone.

"wait why didn't he warn us?" she asked

"I don't know…" there was a silence. Voight stopped talking.

"Hank you're there?"

"Maybe he isn't with us after all…"

"wait you think he doubled us?"

"Listen to me, meet us to the district and we will find a way to find both him and Jay"

Jay… her mind went to jay. God they needed to find him as fast as they could before anything happens to him.

"I'm on my way" she hanged up and drove faster and ran red lights.

 _The 7 of them were heading toward the helicopter. They would be drop in the middle of a valley. The had to walk for like a day before getting to the village. Everything there was, was just mountain and sand. They were walking in a strategic emplacing, meaning they were walking in an angle position. Jay was in front, leading, behind him on his right was mouse, behind mouse, Mark and behind Mark, Logan. On Jay's left Matt, Jake and Ryan. They were all walking, getting more and more closer form the village._

 _"_ _This mission sucks" Logan said._

 _"_ _I agree" Ryan added as he raised his hand._

 _"_ _And why is that?" Jay asked still walking, looking in front of him_

 _"_ _Yeah sergeant Walker, share your opinion with the squad." Mouse asked smiling._

 _"_ _Come on, we all know they are both dead. Or at least if_ _they aren't they're gonna die, and us with them." Ryan continued_

 _"_ _All I'm saying is that from my way of thinking, this mission is a serious misallocation of valuable resources" Logan replied_

 _"_ _Go on…" Jay asked_

 _"_ _Well the Captain said it himself. We are the best men he has. Where's the sense of risking the lives of the seven of us to save two guys?" Logan asked_

 _"_ _Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die…_ _Lord Tennyson_ _" Matt declared_

 _"_ _la-la, la-la, la-la. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, huh? We're all supposed to die, is that it?" Mark asked irritated_

 _"_ _Davis' talking about our duty as soldiers."_

 _"_ _Yes sir" Matt Davis asserted_

 _"_ _We all have orders, and we have to follow them." Jay finally declared_

"Where are they? They should be here by now. The intelligence will soon find out he's missing and will began to search for him"

Jay was beginning to wake up. He could hear Henry voice outside of the casern. But it was very fuzzy, his head hurt him. He couldn't determine at who he was talking to. He brings his hand behind his head and tried to stroke it. He moaned at the touch, it was worst. He tried to open his eyes but found out it was more difficult than he thought. After a few blinks he finally succeed. He looked around him and found himself in the place where they parked the trucks. He tried to got up but noticed his hands were handcuffed above his head on a bar. So even if he could get up, he couldn't go far. It was dark and cold. Jay was simply wearing a jean and a tee shirt.

"How this could happen?" Voight yelled at his team. "Al I thought you knew this guy"

"Well that what I thought" he responded calmly.

"Hank!" Erin yelled on as she leaped up the stairs.

"Erin…" he walked toward her

"I… I… I didn't know!" she stuttered. "I didn't think…"

"Erin…" he cut her short. "we'll find him"

She calmed down.

"We tried to ping Jay's phone but it was turn off" Voight explained to her.

"did you find something on Henry?"

"He's clear" Ruzek said as he entered the room with Henry's file.

"Damn it…" she yelled.

Voight didn't talk for a moment. Every body were overwhelmed. "okay every body find me something, I want to know with who he was talking to, mother, father, aunt, uncle every body. I want to know everything from his birth to now." He ordered. "We're talking about Jay's life here", Everybody moved to their respective desk and began work.

Jay was still woozy. He hit his head pretty hard, he didn't know for how long he's been unconscious and the coldness made it worse. He was tired and weak but he tried his hardest not to fell asleep. He heard Henry coming out from the casern's break room and walking toward him.

"You're finally awake" henry said smiling but jay didn't reply. Instead he looked at him with rage in his eyes.

"Oh don't look at me like that. It's rude"

"Why are you doing this? I thought you were done with all of this"

"You think I was…" he laughed hard. Jay looked at him confused.

"Jay you're never done with your demons. You can't make them leave, you can't get ride of them, all you can do is live with them, daily…You don't have the choice"

Jay laugh, which made Henry looking confused.

"why are you laughing?"

"because you sound ridiculous…"

"Oh I'm the ridiculous here?"

"Yeah" chuckled

"How's your sister Jay?"

Jay stopped laughing and looked up at Henry. He tensed up at his question. "Oh sorry did I touched a nerve?"

"did she got out from the hospital since now?" Henry asked

"don't you dare talk about her"

"I think she did… Oh maybe should I ask: did you saw her since this… Incident?"

"You don't know what your talking about" Jay had his jaw more and more clenched

"yeah no you're probably right."

"Damn sure I am! Like I'm sure you're never gonna be able to burn down this casern on your own. Because from where I stand, you're all alone!"

"Who told you I was alone? Wait to see what I prepared for you Jay" .

"My partners will find you before you can do anything and I can't wait to know what Voight has plan to do with you"

"I guess you'll never know! because if my fire doesn't work, I still put up a little bomb, well… enough to blow up this place. All I have to do it's to press this button and _Boooom_ "

"they'll find you and tear you apart" Jay said aggressively as his jay clenched. He wasn't afraid to die. He almost died a hundred times in his life.

"I'll let you there for a moment. My friends will soon be there. I'm gonna wait for them at the back door while you'll stay quietly here." After that he hit once again Jay, so hard it made jay pass out. And he walked out, having on his face a wry smile.

All of the team was working on Carl, Henry, Julia, Carl, henry, Julia, Henry, Carl, Julia… they were all short of information and short of time. They tried to find any lead on where the hit could happen or where Jay could be. But nothing, not a clue.

"damn it" Erin yelled as she threw papers on the ground.

"Antonio did you try to ping Jay's phone again? In case he has miraculously turn it on…"

"yeah I'm checking every 10 minutes but no he hasn't…"

"what I don't understand is why today?"

"I mean Carl left him 2 days off so why today. It was his first day…"

"Okay I'm gonna ask this… do you think Jay has been… corrupt after all?" Antonio asked. He was ashamed about what he just asked but he needed to.

"No! wherever Jay is, he is there against his will. I know it!" she started pacing up and down. "There is something we are forgotten here. I need to know why today, why now…" She tried to think straight. "What time is it anyway?" she asked.

"2am…" Antonio responded

"time…" Mouse whispered.

"What did you say?" Erin asked confused.

"Time!" Mouse repeated out loud as he headed toward his computer. "We can't ping jay's phone but we can ping his watch…"

"Ok I'm confused right now…" Ruzek declared

"No he's right! Jay has an apple watch…"

"I though apple watch were connected only if you have your phone on you…"

"your watch can receive messages, calls or any notification even if your phone is turn off…" he said as he typed on his computer. "I can try to activate it from here but it will take some time…"

Jay once again woke up after Henry knocked him out. He was more and more weak, dehydrated, tired and cold. He had cramps on his arms and his wrists began to hurt him. Henry gripped thigh the handcuffs. Also he could feel the blood on his face. Again he didn't know how many hours passed. It felt like an he felt something vibrating on his wrist. He looked up at them and saw his watch vibrating. He looked around to look if somebody was there. He could hear Henry on the break room talking to other peoples. He could tell they were three now. So he took the opportunity to take the phone call. With all of his strength he tried to bend his wrist and fingers so he could answer. He contracts every muscle of his arms and hands. But he was still weak and more the time passed more he could feel the pain on his arms and his head. After a few seconds he finally succeed.

"Jay… Is that you? Guys Jay's here" he yelled through the watch.

"Mouse… just… stop… yelling" he said weakly, short of breath. He had his eyes shut and tried to move his neck to the up so they could hear him talking. "they can't know I'm talking to you"

"Jay where are you?" Erin asked

"I… I…" he was weak and couldn't think straight.

"What did they do to you? Tell us where you are we will go rescue you!"

"My head…" he murmured, weakly again

"Just tell us where you are Jay!" Erin asked impatiently. "Look around you! Where are you"

Jay could hear Henry coming out from the break room. So he hanged up immediately.

"Jay?" Mouse asked "Jay?"

"DAMN IT" Voight yelled.

"Mouse can you try to track the call?" Antonio asked while Erin sat on her chair. It's been hours they try to find him. And from what she heard, he was seriously injured.

"I can try to triangulate the signal but we won't have a specific area…"

"do it anyway!"

Jay let out a faint moan and relax his head. He could hear Henry walking toward him with two other persons.

"Jay! I guess I don't have to introduce you these to…"

Jay looked up. He couldn't saw clearly at first. Once he put his eyes on the two men he thought he was hallucinating or something else. It couldn't be true. So he blinked his eyes several times but they were still the same persons.

"Mark?" he asked before he looked at the other person "Logan?". And then he passed out, to weak to stay awake.c


	14. Chapter 14

**A little summary so you don't get lost:**

 **They were 7 soldiers fighting in Afghanistan and all died over there, except for Jay and Mouse (I explained it in Chapter 4 with Mouse and Jay at the bar). They were best friends. They are all mentioned in Jay's flashback (I'm writing them in Italic). You will learn in the next chapters how they all became best friends, and how they all died. Well maybe not all of them... you'll see the how and the why.**

 **However, this is just the beginning of Jay's nightmare. Remember, his past come back to haunt him and he will not be the only victim. I don't want to spoil you so I'm gonna stop here. Oh and for the Linstead fans, don't worry, I'm a Linstead shipper too, all the way… but I don't want to be that easy between them. I kinda like when it's complicated but in the end, they would do every thing for each other, even when they "hate" each other. So yes there are some unspoken feelings but they are not ready do accept it. They will have to overcome some obstacles.**

 **Just know that I have a lot of plans for this story and I know I'm not updating very often but I promise I'll do my best.**

 _They've been walking for a day now. It was getting dark, they were exhausted and they needed to sleep. So they found a safe place to spend the night. They lighted a fire and all sat around. They all talked about their past, why they decided to join the army… They also laughed, a lot. They were all very nervous about this mission and all they needed was to think about something else, take their mind off for a while. Logan and Matt were making jokes, while Mouse, Jake and Ryan were laughing._

 _As for Jay, he shut himself away to write a letter to Allie. He had beside him a picture of her. The one he always brings when he was on this kind of mission._

 _"_ _Writing to a girl huh?"_

 _Jay looked up and saw Mark sitting next to him._

 _"_ _Yeah" he smiled looking at the picture._

 _Mark looked at him and then looked at their squad. They were laughing at some stupid Logan's jokes. He smiled._

 _"_ _You know; I don't want you guys to have false hopes… I don't know how this mission will end. I'm not as strong as you guys think. I'm just a soldier who managed to stay alive."_

 _Mark turned his attention to Jay and looked at him speaking. Jay looked at him back._

 _"_ _All I'm saying is that I'm not some kind of hope that will take you all out of there, alive. I'm afraid to! So don't think I'm the bravest one…"_

 _Mark didn't reply first._

 _"_ _Sometimes people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do your job anyhow, do what you think is right._ _That's what courage is. That what the captain meant when he told us you were our best hope. You fight at any cause, no matter what, you don't give up" Mark replied staring into emptiness._

 _Jay was about to respond at this but he heard something. So he and Mark got up to have a better view but it was all dark._

 _Suddenly they were attacked by machine guns by insurgents. But they saw nothing. The sand blinded them and it was dark. All they could hear were gunshots in front of them. They all lengthened behind rocks and began to shoot._

 _"_ _Matt, Ryan go on the left while Mouse and Logan you guys go the right. We have to surround them. They can't see you we are on the dark but be careful. Jake and Mark… stay here with me. They all nodded. Mouse, Logan, Matt and Ryan began to run on each sides while the others stayed and continued to shoot._

 _Mark and Jay were the best snipers. So they position themselves in strategic locations and began to shoot back while Jake shot with a machinegun-gun. 5 minutes later, Matt Ryan Mouse and Logan were on the right and left sides. They surrounded them and began to shoot them._

 _After what felt like an eternity, the shots stopped. Mark, Jay and Jake stood up. They could hear one of the guy yelling. So they all run in their direction. It was Logan who was yelling at the only insurgent left who surrendered himself. Next to them Mouse and Ryan were taking care of Matt who was_ _lying down, shivering with pain and anguish, after being shot through the right side of the chest. Fortunately, it wasn't on the heart side, but still he was bleeding a lot. Jay looked at them and then around him. He was kind of overtaken. His heart was beating. He tried to hide his shaking hands._

 _There were several bodies, lying, lifeless. Some of the body had bullets in their cheeks, eyes or chest… Jay continued to look at them and then stopped. He found a 12-year-old boy, dead, with a bullet in his neck. There was blood everywhere with deep wounds. It was abominable… Jay felt the sickness coming up so he looked away, afraid that he might throw up. He walked away, hide himself behind a rock and vomit. Once he was done, he sat, leaned his back against the rock and banged his head against it. He began to cry. He bent his knee put his elbow on it and then put his head in his hand._

 _After a minute or two he stood up and saw Mouse and Ryan, still taking care of Matt. He was bleeding a lot and, well... matt was the only one with medical skills. So nobody knew what to do._

 _"_ _Okay Matt tell me what to do" Mouse asked._

 _"_ _y… you… you have to take out the bu…bullet"_

 _"_ _Okay, okay wait a sec…" Mouse stood up and open Matt's bag. In there he took the medical stuff and sat back next to Matt._

 _"_ _Do you s..see the bottle w…with the orange red… liquid?" Matt moaned in pain._

 _"_ _Yeah I got it…"_

 _"_ _okay spread it… generously on my wo…wound." Matt said as he leaned his head on the ground closing his eyes._

 _Mouse did so._

 _"_ _Okay what's next?"_

 _"_ _now you…you have to open me…" Matt opened is eyes and caught Mouse's panic glance_

 _"_ _come on Mouse… You're a soldier and you're afraid of little blood?" he laughed but quickly groaned in pain. "Just do it" he added._

 _Jay looked at them but felt useless. So he looked back at Logan who was still punching the insurgent._

 _He walked toward him and caught his wrist. "Stop Logan"_

 _Logan looks at him with confusion._

 _"_ _What?! He shot our guy who may not survive! And you want me to cuddle this son of bitch?" He yelled at Jay._

 _"_ _I said stop it" Jay repeated calmly. Mark put a hand on Logan's chest to make him back off._

 _Jay took the insurgent by the arm and held him thigh. He wasn't gently either. He put a fabric around his eyes to blindfold him. Logan was reloading his gun thinking Jay wanted him to shoot the insurgent._

 _"_ _you will walk a thousand steps. Then you'll be allowed to remove it. We will be gone since"_

 _When he heard Jay asking the insurgent to walk away, Logan dropped his arms._

 _Jay pushed the insurgent away violently, making him to fall on the ground._

 _"_ _Thank you so much" the insurgent said in the emptiness since he was blindfolded._

 _"_ _Don't thank me." Jay snapped "I'm not doing this for you. But know that, if I ever saw you again, I'll personally put a bullet in your head"_

 _The insurgent nodded and began to walk. He put his hands in front of him because he didn't know where he was going. The team could hear him counting._

 _"_ _You've gotta be killing me?" Logan asked aggressively looking at the prisoner go away._

 _"_ _we can't let him leave!" Ryan stepped forward._

 _"_ _We can't take him with us either. Beside he is in enemy territory… soon or later our guys will pick him up…"_

 _"_ _yeah only if he doesn't get picked up by his little friends and thrown back into circulation" Logan declared. Jay didn't respond. There was a silence for a moment. By the time the insurgent was already far. Logan looked at him and then looked at Jay._

 _"_ _I'm sure it was the decent thing to do, right?"_

 _"_ _Get your gear and let's go." Jay responded._

 _"_ _No! I'm done with this mission." Logan claimed. "I don't wanna risk my life for two men, who, we all know, are dead! I want to fight war like a real soldier instead of wasting my time with this mission." Logan started to walk away but it was to much to hear for Mark. So he caught up Logan "don't walk away from your mission or your squad! Get back in line" he ordered as he pointed the rest of the squad. Jay wasn't saying anything. He didn't care if was leaving or staying. All he wanted to do was to complete the mission and go back to his fiancé as fast as possible._

 _"_ _I said I'm done with this bullshit" Logan repeated as he resumed his walk._

 _So Mark, sick and tired, put out his gun and pointed it toward Logan. He knew he shouldn't do such things but he didn't care at the moment "I'm not gonna ask you again"_

 _"_ _you're going to shoot me because I have the six sense that these two men, we are looking for, are dead?" he looked at Mark full of calm._

 _"_ _No! I'm gonna shoot you because I don't like you" Mark smiled sarcastically._

 _Every body began to be on the edge and to get agitated. Mouse quickly bandage Matt after removing the bullet and stitching him up. Once he did, he began to walk toward the agitation. Ryan was trying to calm Mark down, while Jake was trying to make Jay react due to his lack of reaction. In fact, he was looking at the emptiness. "Jay, do something! They're going to shoot each other". Jay closed his eyes and took a deep breath before getting up. He walked toward Mark and Logan who were violently arguing. He put a hand on the barrel of Mark's gun and lowered it. Mark caught Jay's glance and understood Jay was taking care of the situation. Then Jay began to talk at all of his army pals. "It's been 4 months now since I left my home, to come fight here. And I know_ _I've changed… Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much… my fiancé is even going to recognize me, whenever it is that I get back to her. And how I'll ever be able to tell her about days like today. I don't know anything about these two guys. I don't care. They mean nothing to me. But if... You know if going to this village and finding them so that they can go home... If that earns me the right to get back to my fiancé, then that's my mission."_

 _Jay looked at Logan "You want to leave? You want to go off and fight the war? All right. All right. I won't stop you. I'll even put in the paperwork. I just know that every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel."_

 _Jay looked him right in the eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he turned around and started walking toward Matt and bent his knees in front of him. Matt seemed better with the bullet out of his chest._

 _Logan was looking at his squad who was walking toward Matt to, leaving Logan alone. So he began to think. Did he really want to be this man? The kind of man who abandoned his friends and gave up a mission? He looked at the direction he wanted to take so he could walk away and then looked back at his squad. And of the two, he took the most loyal one, and return were he belonged, with his friends._

 **Present time**

"That wasn't the plan! We never agreed to kill someone in the process, especially if it is him!" Logan said angrily as he pointed Jay. He was nervous about the situation. He didn't expect to see his once best friend hanged up and unconscious.

"let him go and we'll do everything you want! Just let him go." Mark asked more softly.

Mark's always been the wise one, even if he had done some mistake in his life. He always took the responsibility of his acts. When he came back from Afghanistan, it was very difficult for him but less than the others. In fact, he quickly opened up to his entourage who all supported him in his dark times. Now, even if what he's been through changed him, war isn't a taboo subject anymore. He's very smart, passionate, admirable, compassionate and trusting. He's always been a model for everyone. The one that you can rely on. Physically he has dark hair, and green eyes. He is tall and broad shouldered.

Logan is… well he's quickly irritable, he is very mysterious, he has difficulty to talk about what he's been through in his life. He prefers to burry his anger and sadness and fears deep inside him (on this one he is very similar with Jay). Logan is independent, he's doing whatever he wants and doesn't care about what people think about him. If he wants something, he takes it. He's silly, seductive, charming. But beyond this bad boy appearance, he's loyal, honest, protective and generous. He just has this hard shell that no one managed to break. And because of that he never really had serious relationships with any woman. Physically he has light brown hair and green eyes. He had the beginning of a beard. He has long hair but not too much with just a little lock that fall into his forehead.

"You want me to let him go? He's been investigating on us, thinking that there will not have consequences? Hell no! It' not gonna happen. Now you will do what I said or I'll put a bullet on both of your head. And don't try to do anything silly. Remember I have this little toy". He pulled out from his pocket a command key with only one button. The button that, if you press it, will reduced the casern on dust. They looked at each other and then back at Henry. They nodded. They hated this but they didn't have the choice.

Jay was beginning to wake up, once again, weaker. He groaned silently and start to look around him, trying to remember where he was and why was he here. But it was still a little fuzzy in his mind. His thoughts are spiraling around his head, bouncing into each other, choosing random paths that make it impossible to catch them.

Then he froze as he saw mark, Logan and Henry talking at the other side of the room.

Suddenly, he saw Mark looking at him. Jay's heart beat faster and faster. No he wasn't hallucinating. Mark and Logan were still alive. At the instant, multiple questions crossed his mind. How? Why? Even where?

"Boss I managed to triangulate the signal" Mouse said as he walked toward the printer and got out a map. Voight walked out from his office.

"This is the best I could do" he put up the map on the board while they all positioned themselves in front of it. All looked at the map and try to set where Henry could have brought Jay.

After a moment Ruzek broke the silence.

"the warehouse?" he suggested

"No! to small… beside they said it would be the biggest hit ever" Erin rejected still looking at the map. Ruzek took a red pen and crossed off the warehouse place.

"the hospital?" Atwater submitted.

"To much people… they wouldn't take that risk". Antonio replied

Ruzek crossed off the place. "so we can cross off the 51"

"yep…"

"leave us with not much…" Ruzek declared.

"Mouse are you sure this is the right map?" Erin asked

"a 100%" he confirmed

Some of them continue to look at the map while others tried to make research on the different places that could be potential ones. Erin felt something vibrating on the back of her jeans. She pulled out her phone and noticed Kelly's name. She winced and answered. "Hey Kelly… I can't really talk to you right now…"

"you forget?"

"forget what?"

"well, that we had dinner? It's my day off remember?"

"Wait we are Monday… aren't you suppose to be on shift tonight?" she asked still looking at the board.

"I told you the casern was on renovation so we have 3 days off"

"Oh yeah right… well I'm sorry I… wait what did you say?" she turned red and could feel her heart beating.

"We have dinner tonight, I reserved to…"

"No not that!" she snapped "The casern! Nobody's working tonight?" she asked, making every one to look at her, understanding that they might finally found Jay.

"No I told you we are on renovation…"

Erin hanged up. Every one stood up form their desk and began to head for the stairs. They all suited up and got into the cars.

Henry noticed that Jay was wake up so he starts walking toward him, followed by Mark and Logan.

"How's my favorite soldier?" Henry asked smiling. Jay couldn't stand his stupid face. He was consumed by his rage. And the fact that his two best friends betrayed him, made him even more angry. Where did he go wrong so that his friends turned their back to him? He didn't understand. It couldn't be possible. The only option was that Henry was blackmailing them or frightening them.

"What does he has on you guys?" Jay asked weakly, nearly possible for him to hold his head straight. Henry laughed.

"I have nothing on them. They are just gonna help me a little bit. But no worries, we're gonna make it really quickly." Jay looked from Henry to the both of them with confusion and sadness in his eyes. Logan looked down, ashamed of what he was gonna do while Mark looked one last time at Jay.

Henry nodded to the two of them. They nodded back and walked out the casern to go take the gasoline cans on the car's trunk.

Henry looked back at Jay. "It hurts huh? Knowing that the most important persons in your life that you trusted once, finally turned up to be totally strangers to you?"

"Go to hell" Jay clenched his jaw.

Henry stared at him before walking away, laughing in his way out. Jay followed him with his eyes and when saw him outside he quickly looked up to his handcuffed hands, but more specially to his watch. He knew his team was searching for him but he also knew that when they will find him, they would be in serious danger. Henry had the power of blowing up this place in a fraction of second and from what he's seen, Henry is more than a psychopath. He wouldn't hesitate before pressing the button. He had to warn them. He couldn't see clearly, due to his blood on his face and the perspiration which was blinding him. So he tried to remember the exact position of the applications on his watch. But he couldn't. All he was doing was pressing on the wrong spots. But he didn't want to give up. So with all of his strength left in body and legs, he managed to get up. He leant over his handcuffed hands so he could have a better idea of what he was doing. He looked behind him to make sure no one could see him. He pressed the message application, then new message and enter Erin's contact. He used the dictate text to send the message and began to talk: "I'm at the casern. Don't come inside. Call a bomb disposal expert. Mark's alive" and then pressed send. The message took a little bit longer than he thought to send itself. Fortunately, his watch was connected to the Wi-Fi of the casern. Jay came here more than once before, for several cases, or even when he was dating Gabby.

Once the message was sent, he sat back and waited for the others to come back.


	15. Chapter 15

Jay was watching Mark and Logan spreading the essence everywhere on the casern. He looked at them disgusted. How come that his once best friends, those with who he fought like hell to all stay alive, the ones he grieved for so long finally turn up to be "enemies" to him.

How ironic was that. If he knew that the ones he was grieving would finally kill him.

He laughed to himself.

"Wanna tell us what's so funny?" Henry asked

"No, I'm good" he responded with a smile. He didn't want to show Henry what he wanted to see: fear.

When Henry was about to say something, his phone rang. He looked at it and picked it up. He got out for more intimacy. Mark and Logan looked at Henry who was talking to Carl they presumed and then Mark nodded to Logan. This one pretend to continue spreading the essence but walk in the direction of Jay's spot. Jay looked at him confused while Logan crouched in front of him so that Henry won't see him. He got out from his pocket a sort of hairpin and tried to unlock the handcuffs. Once he unlocked one hand he carried on with the other.

"What are you doing" Jay asked perplexed.

"trying to save your life" he said still trying to unlock the last hand.

"Here" he finally managed to do it. "Now wait our signal to set you free. Just pretend to be still handcuffed" he said as he got up and take back his can of gasoline.

5 minutes later, Henry came back in, finally followed by Carl in his wheelchair. Every body looked at them.

"Well, well, well, isn't that our little detective?" Carl spoke

Jay clenched his jaw at the view of the two psychopath standing in front of him.

"I guess you didn't saw it coming did you?" Carl asked smiling

Jay didn't respond.

"Because I did! Since the day one" he laughed. "I thought you were trained to check every information's on your CI's before working with them"

Jay looked at him with hatefulness.

"Okay I get it… set on fire can provide you, somehow, some warmth to your cold lifeless being. But what I don't get it is why did you killed these 7 innocent people in your little "projects"? They didn't deserve this. You were a soldier. Do you know what that mean? Your allegiance is to the Republic, to maintain the peace, TO PROTECT PEOPLE" he yelled the final sentence. He was so disgusted that people like him could live in this world were he doesn't belong.

Carl laughed, soon followed by Henry. They were crazy.

"you'll not get away like that Carl" Jay claimed calmer. "My team knows where I am and they're coming for me". Jay said groaning. In that moment they heard several cars skidding. They all looked at the window.

"Don't worry Jay. We had barricaded every entrance"

"So I guess we are all gonna die here" Jay declared.

"No Jay, you'll be the only one" Carl replied as he got up from his wheelchair. Jay looked at him chocked.

"Yeah! I thought you were a better detective than that! See, when I was trapped in my own fire, 7 years ago, I've been seriously injured, I bet you already knew that. The first years I couldn't walk and the doctors thought I would never be able to walk again, so I've been put in a wheelchair. But what you didn't know was that the more time passed, the more my body healed, and I regained the ability to walk again." He looked straight at him. "Why was I saying that already? Oh yah so you know, I think you'll be the only one to die. Like I always say: _be prepared for everything_ … Jay… I knew your team would find you soon or later. I've to admit they are pretty good. But I'm better!" he looked at his watch "And I think the helicopter should arrive in less than 15 minutes" Carl planned to come up to the roof so that the helicopter could pick them up. "I'm gonna stay with you for a bit more if you don't mind" he smirked.

 **Meanwhile**

"Okay everybody spread out and block every entrance" Voight yelled as they all got out from the cars "no body go in without my reports. There is a bomb in there so we wait the bomb squad".

There were several police cars, with uniform patrol men. They were all positioned behind the cars waiting for the bomb squad.

Erin was the most nervous of the team. All she wanted to do was going in, take Jay out of here and let the casern blows up. They heard Jay on the phone earlier and he wasn't doing fine. She really was worried about him. She was standing under the rain, looking at the casern and knowing that it could disappear at any moment.

"He's strong Erin, he'll be out of there in one piece" Antonio put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. "I know… He's a fighter right?" she had a sad smile on her face. She just hoped he wasn't gonna do anything dumb, or willing his life to prove something. These days, she didn't recognize him so she wasn't sure how he was, interiorly. Plus, two of his friends were in there with him but she didn't know what roles they were playing… the victims or the criminals. She wished they were the victims. It would destroy Jay otherwise. He had enough chaos in his life and doesn't need to have two friends betraying him.

"Maybe we should try to call him again…" Erin suggested

"No it's to dangerous. He's with Henry and Carl in this moment" Voight disapproved.

"And? They already know we are here. Maybe we can try to negotiate…" she claimed as Voight looked at her, debating rather or not they should call him.

"Come on Hank! It might be our only chance to save him. We can't sit here and wait for the bomb squad to be here. We know nothing about what is happening in there. We can't go in blind."

Voight looked at her. "Mouse" he yelled still looking at her.

"Serg?"

"Call Jay"

"Yes boss"

Everything was hurting Jay especially his head. Henry knocked him out several times making him to hit his head every time. And the more time passed the more it hurt.

Carl and Henry were waiting the signals to come up to the roof so that the helicopter could pick them up while Mark and Logan were behind them, arms crossed. They threw several glances to Jay to told him to stay quiet and to not act, yet. It was very dark outside. It had to be around 3 am and it was raining.

Jay watch outside and could see the light of the siren's police car. They were reflected on Jay's face, but he couldn't see anybody. He didn't know if he should be relief or not. Relief because he told them not to enter the casern or they would blow up. However, even if the police were very close, Henry and Carl didn't seem to be anxious.

Then Jay's watch began to vibrate. First he tried to cover the sound. Why were they trying to call him? They knew he was with Carl and Henry.

Then he understood.

"Carl?" jay called

Carl looked at him with questioning eyes.

"There is someone who wants to talk to you" he added as he slightly shook his fist.

Carl walked toward him and looked at his watch. Jay hoped that he wouldn't notice that his handcuffs were unlocked.

So carl looked at his watch then looked at Jay. Jay couldn't read his face. Carl just took his watch and answered the call.

"How can I help you" Carl smiled.

"Carl we want to avoid any blood tonight. You know how this is gonna end if you don't surrender. We are everywhere!" Voight revealed. All of the team was around him listening to the discussion. They could hear Carl laughing.

"Indeed, tonight is gonna end with blood. But not mine, not henry's…Jay's. Like I told him earlier, it was very stupid of you to trust someone without doing a little research…And well, Jay was very… involved in this case. I can understand why" he turned his attention to Jay.

"Release him. You don't need him!" Erin spoke.

"Yes I do! He will be my victim of the night! Don't think you can investigate in me, IN ME, without consequences. I'm just here to help people who have darkness in them and want to get better!"

"You're a psychopath" Antonio said

Carl, once again, laughed. "Yeah you're not the first person telling me that."

"what if we do an exchange? Me in return of Jay?" Voight asked.

"No exchange! No enter, no exit! And if you try to do anything we press the button and everything explode. So don't try anything stupid."

"Let us talk to Jay!"

"I'm not giving you Jay on the phone! But if you want to know if he's still alive…" Carl said and nodded to Henry. This last one punch Jay on the abdomen with an iron bar, making him to scream. "Ouch… Careful Henry... I want him alive when this casern burn!" Carl said.

The team closed their eyes at the sound of Jay scream.

At this moment, Mark run toward Henry and cut his throat with his pocketknife making him to fall on the ground, bleeding to death.

"NO!" Carl dropped the watch and got out from his back a gun and pointed it toward Mark. This one didn't thought at the possibility of him having a gun.

Jay had, now, Carl's back in front of him. So with the little strength left in him, he got up, got ride of his handcuffs and run toward Carl. He pined him on the ground, but on his way, a shot rang. Jay looked up and saw Mark with a red mark on his abdomen, falling on the ground. "MARK" Logan screamed as he run toward him sparing him to hit his head on the ground.

The watch was still on the call option and everyone heard screams and a gun shots. Every body was on the edge, unable to do something.

"Voight we have to go in" Erin stated.

"No it's to dangerous" Voight took a walkie-talkie "Al can you see something?" Al was on a building's roof in front of the casern with a sniper. "Negative It's very dark in there"

"I'm going in!" Erin said as she took her gun and began to walk in front of the entrance. But Antonio caught her, put his arms around her waist and hold her back. Erin tried to struggle but in vain. "let go of me" she screamed.

Carl took the iron bar near him and stood up faster than Jay. While Jay was on his knee trying to get up, Carl hit him on the head once again making him to fall down.

Carl walked toward his gun and took it... Logan who was behind him, let down Mark, ran toward Henry and took the command key with the button. He looked up and saw Jay, who didn't want to give up even if he was bleeding everywhere, trying once again to get up.

"JAY GET DOWN" Logan yelled. Jay saw Logan with the button on his hand and understood what was gonna happen. They had no chance to stand by Carl who had a gun. They had nothing to fight with.

So Jay throw himself onto the ground and put his hands on the back of his head. Logan did the same and tried to protect Mark the best he could. Then he pressed the button.

And everything blew up.

Outside, it was still running and Erin was still struggling with Antonio who tried his best to hold her back. Once the casern explode they were both propelled back. Everyone bent down.

A big noise rang, windows broke, flames getting out from the casern.

Once the casern explodes, Erin got up quickly soon followed by Antonio. She began to walk toward the casern.

"JAYYYYY" she yelled under the rain. She had her hands behind her hands "JAY!" she was crying. "NOOO"

"CALL 911" Voight yelled as he also walked forward with a worried face.

Everybody was in shock about what just happened. They were all opened mouth, not knowing what to say or what to do…

5 minutes later the ambulances arrived. The 51 was informed of the situation and came all suited up. They had left their stuff to another casern. Even Gabby came in an ambulance.

They were all under the storm but neither of them cared. The firefighters began to take all the equipment so they could explore what was left of the casern.

Everyone was in movement, everyone except Erin. She just stood there and looked at the casern. She was saying nothing, doing nothing. All she was thinking was Jay. Did their last discussion was a fight? Was it really the last time she would see him? It couldn't be.

It was all her fault. If she didn't leave him earlier, she would be with him and maybe she could have avoided all of this. If something happened to Jay she would never forget herself.

"Erin?" Ruzek approached her and put a hand on her shoulder. She didn't respond instead she looked at the emptiness.

"We are gonna explore the area to see if they are still there. You wanna come?"

she got out fro her trance "Yeah…" she responded with a shaky voice.

They were searching for like 20 minutes but it felt like an eternity. Nobody found anything. While the firefighters were searching in the casern, the police were searching around.

Erin was desperate. If they were still alive they would find them by the time she thought. Anyways, she didn't want to lose hope or to give up. She promised to Jay, once, that she would always have his back and that's what she intended to do. "JAY?" she yelled. There was to much smoke, she couldn't see anything.

"COME ON JAY!" she continued to yell. "GET OUT OF HERE" "YOU'RE NOT DEAD! I KNOW YOU AREN'T!" Nothing in return. It was radio silence. "come on Jay…" she repeated whispering. "Always… remember?" she said. Tears began to come out from the corner of her eyes. She rolled her hands through her wet hair, looking around her. "JAY!" she screamed one last time with all of her voice.

Voight who was further away from her, could see her anyways. He looked at her with sad eyes. Even him was hopeless. But he continued to search anyways. He didn't want to be the one who give up first. He still wanted to think that they might still be alive. But seeing Erin like that broke his heart.

After 20 others minutes they all gathered around the police cars and ambulance, deciding what to do. Every body stopped searching. They were all running out of ideas. The place was a disaster and it was more difficult to enter the place than they thought. They needed more materials.

"Boden what are you suggesting? How do we get them out of there?" Voight asked.

Boden looked at Voight before answering. "I'm sorry… I don't think they um…" he shook his head. Voight understood what he was saying.

Erin who was coming back from her search heard what Boden said. "You don't think what?" she asked angrily. "Erin" Voight tried to calm her down.

"No I want to hear him say it…" she continued "you don't think what? Why is every standing here and doing nothing?"

"Erin it's been practically an hour since we start the search"

"And? We have to carry on! I know he's still alive. I can feel it. We just need to search a little bit more…"

"Erin…"

"WHAT?"

"They're dead…" Voight finally admitted.

"I'm sorry" Boden added.

Erin looked at the both of them. She couldn't accept it. "No! No he's not. We gotta continue to… to…" tears were rolling all over her eyes. Voight tried to take her on his arms but she stepped back. "This is all my fault…this is all my fault"

"No it's not Erin! Erin! Look at me, look at me" Voight put his hands on Erin cheeks and made her look at him "This is not your fault! You understand?" he put her in a huge while she was falling apart. He held her thigh to spare her from falling on the ground.

Then he looked up and saw three figures in the smoke. Two of them were holding an other around their shoulders. Once they came out from the smoke, Voight could see more clearly. Jay was on the right side holding one men shot on the abdomen, also held by another man on the left. "Bring a stretcher." Voight yelled as he let go of Erin. This last one turned around and saw Jay. She instantly held her breath and let out a laugh of joy combined with the tears.

Voight and the paramedic were already with them when she finally decided to join them. Jay and Logan helped Mark to lay down on the stretcher. While Brett was taking care of Mark and his injury, Gabby looked up at Jay. "You had us worried there for a sec…"

Jay looked down at her and smiled. But he was pale and had blood flowing from his head.

"Hey you're bleeding let me see that!"

"Nah I'm fine just take care of Mark"

"Jay…" she stepped forward but he held up his hand to make her stop.

"I'm fine, I promise!" then he walked away. He had his hands shaking, he felt dizzy. He knew he was having a panic attack again. And the only way to calm it down was for him to have space. He looked up to the sky, letting the rain hit his face and he held his breath. But he didn't feel better. Actually he felt worst. He put his hands on his knee and bent over. But didn't help either.

Erin who was walking toward him noticed that something was off, so she walked faster. "Jay?"

Jay looked up and again, he waved his hand to make her stop. Even if he was so relieved and happy to see her, he couldn't control himself. That was weird because the last time he had a panic attack, the only fact that she was with him made the it fade. So he understood it wasn't just a panic attack. "Jay it's me… let me help you"

Jay felt the nausea coming up, and his head was spinning. He put his hand on the back of his head and when he looked at it he detected blood. Erin looked at him with a worried face. "Gabby come here" she yelled. And at this moment, Jay collapsed.

 **Hey every one! SO this is the end of the chapter. Tell me what you thought about it in the reviews. I've several ideas for the next chapters but if you have ideas too let me know in the reviews ;)**


	16. Chapter 16

They were all remaining silent in the waiting room, none of them in a talking mood. Even the 51 was there. As for Logan, he was in Mark's room. This last one was out from surgery and has been stitched up. Logan waited for him to wake up too.

While Antonio was lean against a wall, Voight was sit and Erin was pacing. She had on her hand Jay's blood because when he passed out she tried to support his head.

She was looking her watch every five minutes.

"It's been 3 hours…" she said anxiously.

"Come and sit Erin! They are taking care of him." Voight said exhausted. It's been a rough night and they didn't sleep for two days.

Suddenly, Allie stormed in the hospital, breathless. She was in New York for her job when she received a phone called from Al learning that Jay was in the hospital.

"Jay Halstead where is he?" She asked impatiently to the hospital's reception.

"Allie?" Erin came closer to her.

Allie turned her attention from the reception to Erin.

"Erin! How could you let this happen? Where were you?"

"I, I…" She stuttered because she didn't know what to answer.

"I thought you were his partner, hi-his back up!" she added furiously. And truthfully, Erin couldn't blame her. She knew Allie was right and that she screwed up. "Where were you?" Allie asked again raising her voice. Everyone just looked at them. Erin looked down. Kelly who was there waiting with everyone else got up from his chair and began to walk toward her. He just wanted to squeeze Erin's shoulder. But he didn't have the time to let her know that he was there. Instead of facing everyone in the room, who also wondered where she was but didn't dare to ask, she just backed off and walked out from the hospital. Once the cold wind hit her face, she took deep breaths.

As for Allie, she looked at Erin walking out and then put her hands through her hair.

At this moment, Will came in with worried eyes. "I just learned. I was in surgery… did he got out yet?" he asked.

"No we are still waiting…" Ruzek responded. He was sitting next to Burgess. He had his elbows on his thigh, looking down. Burgess tried to comfort him by caressing his back.

Will looked around and realized all the 51 and the intelligence were there. It relieved him knowing that Jay had a lot of support.

Then his eyes dropped on Mouse. Mouse had no expression on his face but only Will could tell that inside he was a mess, he was scared. He was deep in his thoughts.

 _They were now a few meters from the village were the two soldier were being prisoners. But the problem is, they didn't know in which buildings they were kept. And there were to many of them._

 _"_ _Okay, the best is we wait for the night to fall and then we will go!" Jay ordered._

 _"_ _How are we gonna do? There are like about ten buildings with 3 floors in each of them… In less you are a psychic, we don't know where he is." Logan said._

 _"_ _yeah and remember they are terrorist, so if this go wrong we can end up dead…" Ryan added_

 _Jay knew Logan and Ryan was right and he didn't know what to do. So he looked at Mouse, trying to see if he had an idea. Plus, they had Matt who was injured even if he told them he was fine._

 _"_ _Maybe we can try to proceed to an elimination and figure out which buildings could be potential place where they keep them" Mouse suggested._

 _"_ _Yeah good idea!" Jay claimed._

 _Situated on a hill behind rocks they all looked at the village with binoculars, snipers and tried to think. After a lot of elimination, taking into account the fact that there were children and women in them, or that there were to much windows in some of them that could be to much risky for the terrorist because the prisoners could easily escape, they were 4 more left. Still it was to much they were only 7._

 _"_ _This mission Is crap!" Logan said_

 _"_ _Okay we got that Logan the first time you said it! Know just shut up!" Mark replied._

 _"_ _Now what do we do? We need to find a plan; the night will soon fall." Jake claimed._

 _They all looked at Jay. This one was trying to think but with all this pressure he couldn't concentrate. He closed his eyes, supported his forehead with his hand and took deep breath._

 _They tried to capture his attention by calling his name but Jay didn't respond._

 _"_ _Jay are you with us? What's going on?" on of them asked among the others questions._

 _"_ _Just shut up!" he finally exclaimed. He looked up and saw his team. "We have the choice; we can split up in different buildings or we stick together…"._

 _Nobody responded. They didn't know which one was the best solution._

 _"_ _for my point of view split up is to dangerous…" Jake claimed._

 _"_ _Yeah but sticking together too… I mean we can be easily noticeable." Mouse added_

 _"_ _at least we will be more to protect each other if we are caught…"_

 _"_ _I agree! If we split up, we will be like two against we don't know how many terrorist … Plus that mean that one of them will be alone in one building. We are seven and there are 4 buildings." Mark explained_

 _"_ _And Matt is injured" Logan stated_

 _"_ _I'm fine" Matt assured_

 _"_ _Yeah sure… I will be ready to rely on you if I'm shot! I'm sure your strong enough to carry me outside Hulk" Logan said sarcastically._

 _"_ _Okay so this is it? We stick together?" Jay asked_

 _"_ _Hell yes!" Mark affirmed_

 _"_ _Okay then!"_

Mouse suddenly came back to reality when Dr. Rhodes appeared and walked toward them. Every one got up and waited for what he had to say.

"Jay had been seriously injured to the back of his head, causing him a cerebral contusion… We had to take measures to avoid swelling include prevention of hypotension and hypercapnia. But during the surgery we had complications. His Intracranial pressure increased." Everyone looked at him with worried eyes and questioning eyes. Rhodes looked at all of them and continued "But we managed to reduce it… He's stable for now but he requires intensive care and close monitoring."

Everyone let out a sigh they didn't know they were holding.

"Can we see him?" Allie finally asked.

"Only some of you. He's very weak and need to rest quietly." They all nodded.

"We should go back to the casern and see the damage." Chef Boden told to all of his squad.

"update us when you can!" he shook Voight's hand. "Yeah… and thanks."

Voight looked at Mouse "Go find Erin and tell her Jay's out of surgery."

Mouse nodded and walked out.

Once he was outside, he looked around and saw her, sitting on a bench, looking in the emptiness.

"Erin?" he called out to her. She looked at him.

"He got out from surgery. He's fine!"

She was so relieved. "Come on let's go see him!" he added.

She got up and began to walk. But she stopped in her way. Mouse felt she wasn't longer following him. He turned around and look at her.

"We had a fight…" she muttered.

"What?" he took a stepped forward and look at her.

"We had a fight… that why I wasn't there when Henry took him!"

Mouse didn't reply. He just listened to her.

"I'm sorry I can't… I can't do this" she turned around and walked toward her car.

"Erin wait!" Mouse ran toward her. "You can't abandon him. Especially now! He needs you. At his wake up, he's gonna need his best friend."

She looked down "what if he doesn't forgive me?" she looked up.

"It's never been about forgiving you or not! He isn't made at you Erin… Just come with me"

"No you don't understand! He told me…" she closed her eyes and remembered their argument.

 _"_ _I messed up okay? We messed up! Our relationship, our friendship even our partnership…_

 _But I still need you in my life Jay!"_

 _"_ _As friend right?" he looked at her. She didn't respond._

 _"_ _right…" he replied before adding calmly "No Erin, I can't be your friend! I can't do this anymore" he turned around. He wanted to leave but Erin caught his arm and stopped him. "Jay…"_

 _"_ _No I'm serious Erin" he turned back at her and interrupted her "I can't see you anymore, I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't even wanna look at you and I sure as hell I don't wanna be your friend"_

"whatever he told you just forget it Erin! You're his best friend, maybe more and I don't care! But know that he would do anything for you! He doesn't give up that easily. So just don't give up on him. Please Erin…"

She looked at him and after a moment she nodded. They came back to the hospital and headed toward Jay's room. All of the intelligence squad was in. Allie was sitting next to him, holding his left hand. She looked at him and smiled. She put her hand on his right hands and squeezed it. Allie looked at her "I'm sorry for earlier. I know it isn't always easy to look at each other and… it wasn't fair to blame you. It's just… It's Jay you know" she looked back at him and stroked his hair.

 _It's Jay._ Erin looked at him with a small smile. He was so peaceful. She caressed his hand with her thump. After a few minutes the nurses ask them to leave so he can rest.

They all came back to the intelligence. While they walked up the stairs, Voight asked Erin "Can I talk to you for a sec?". She nodded and followed him in his office.

Voight leant against his desk and crossed his arms while she closed the door behind her.

Once she turned around she meet his eyes. But she couldn't read him.

"Erin where were you when Henry came to take him?"

She looked him in the eyes "Out…"

"Why?" she didn't respond and looked down.

"Erin if I assigned the two of you on this mission, it's for a reason. It's to avoid things like that. It could have been so much worst. He was very lucky. WE were lucky"

"Don't you think I know that?" she raised her voice "I've been blaming myself all day"

"So where were you? Why did you leave his side?"

"We had an argument okay?! We fought and to calm down I decided to take a walk."

He looked at her. "You see this exactly why I don't do I in house-romance. You can't keep your head straight and focus on the job."

"This isn't…"

"Erin!" he cut her short. "You two have to stop this little game between you. You gotta be professional. This is a dangerous job so if you two can't take it seriously, he'll be transferred! Understood?"

"Yeah!"

"That all I wanted to say!"

Erin turned around, opened the door and walked out. She sat in front of her desk and looked at Jay's empty chair.

"Okay everyone, it's been a though week so go home. You have the week end." Voight said.

"Yes!" Ruzek got up form his chair. "Molly?" he asked

"Definitely" Antonio replied.

"count me in!" Atwater joined them.

"Erin you coming?" Ruzek asked her

She looked up from her paper work "Yeah… I'll meet you down there"

"Okay fine!"

A half and hour later Erin was at the doorstep of Molly's entrance. She took a deep breath and get in. Sincerely she wasn't in the mood of having fun especially if Jay was in the hospital. But Kelly called her earlier to see her and well… she barely spoke to him since she came back to intelligence. She had a lot on her plate but also because she felt guilty about what happened with Jay while they were undercover. And what they did was unprofessional and selfish and wrong. But deep inside, she didn't regret it. Even if she insinuated at him that she did. He needed to clear his mind and be a 100% in. And Hank was right, they needed to stop this little game between us, it was too dangerous and could cost the life of one of them. She would do everything so that Jay stay in this unit and more importantly stay alive. He was his best friend and maybe a little more but she didn't want to explore this side of their relationship. She had to put it in the back of her head and not think about it. Besides she had Kelly. He was a great guy and she did has feeling for him, sincerely. So she decided to explore this part instead. But for now she didn't know if she wanted to tell Kelly about her and Jay. She decided to spend the night with him and their friends, then she will see.

Once she was inside, Kelly immediately noticed her and called out to her.

She smiled at him and walked toward his table where Antonio, Ruzek, Burgess, Atwater and Mouse were standing.

"Hey bae" he said as he placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"Hey" she replied with a small smile.

"I'll get you something!" he got up and headed toward the bar. Antonio followed him.

She looked at Kelly and then looked back at her friends who were staring at her.

"What?" she asked

They all looked away "Huh?! nothing" they replied. She looked at them for a few seconds. They were weird but decided to drop it.

"do you have some news about Jay?" Burgess asked.

"Not since I left the hospital"

"I'm sure he will soon wake up!"

"Yeah…"

Kelly and Antonio came back with shots. They were spending a good night, laughing and drinking. All except Erin. She tried to pretend she was having good time but she couldn't stop thinking about Jay in this hospital bed, all alone. So she got up. "I'm sorry guys but I think I'll just go home… I'm exhausted."

"Oh okay! I'll drive you home" Kelly got up.

"No don't worry I'm fine! Stay here" she kissed him goodbye and then she turned around, walking toward the exit.

She got into her car and start driving to the hospital. It was very late but she didn't care. She needed to see if he was okay.

She parked her car and walked in the hospital, her hands in her jacket's pocket.

It was very quiet, there wasn't much nurses or doctors, just a few of them.

She took the elevator and pressed the 3rd floor. She let out a sigh, and waited. She was anxious and worried and at the time so relieved that Jay got out from this explosion alive.

The elevators door opened and she headed toward Jay's room.

But in front of his room was standing a man. She's already saw this face but didn't remember from where. He was looking, through the window of the room, at Jay, lying in his bed still asleep. She hesitantly walked forward, taking out her hands from her pocket. Then, she remembered he was there the night of the explosion. He was with Jay helping another man, shot at the abdomen.

She walked forward and stopped near him, also looking at Jay through the window.

"Logan, right?" she asked.

This last one turned his head and his green eyes dropped on Erin who was still looking at Jay. "Yes…" he responded. "sorry you are?"

"His partner… Erin Lindsay" she replied finally looking up at him.

"Well nice to meet you Erin…"

She didn't respond. "How come that you're alive? Mouse told us you died in Afghanistan" she snapped.

"Woh you're direct" he laughed.

"okay let me ask that again, what is your bond with Carl?" she looked at him with eyes that said don't mess with me. He looked destabilized by her glare.

"There is no bond between me and Carl! This is a very complicate story but to make it short, he found us, Mark and I, in a very dark place. And he helped us. So in return he wanted us to be a part of his organization. But we never participated at those fire. We were just recruiting. But Mark and I decided to leave this organization, it made us sick so we asked him to leave. He told us he would let us leave but he needed us to do one last thing for him. First we disagreed but told us he would make our lives a nightmare and well... you know Carl, he had the ability of doing it. So we agreed."

"Why didn't you informed Jay you guys were still alive before all this?"

"Because we though he died in Afghanistan too" Logan said.

Erin was quiet for a moment, not believing that they never knew that each other were alive.

She wanted to ask him what the hell happened over there but, first she didn't know him so it would be un-called for and secondly she didn't know if he'd answer her. Jay didn't, so why would he.

"I should go see Mark. I will come back tomorrow morning see if he's wake up" he looked at Jay one last time and then he left.

As for Erin, after watching him leave, she entered the room, and sat on the armchair next to Jay. She put her hand in his and lay down her head on the bed. It's been 48 hours since she didn't sleep and she was god damn exhausted.


	17. Chapter 17

It was 8 am and she was sleeping, her hands still on Jay's. She could feel the warmth of the sunlight on her face. She slowly opened her eyes, a little confused at first about where she was and then remembered she decided to see Jay very late last night. She quietly raised up but didn't let go his hands. She looked at him and stroked his hair with her hands.

"Come on Jay" she whispered. "you have to wake up now… please". But not a move. After a moment of silence, she decided to go back to her apartment, take a shower and then she would come back here. So she got up and left him.

In her way back to the hospital, she stopped at a café and command a coffee. She didn't sleep a lot.

When she was heading toward Jay's room, there were nurses and a doctor in there. First she was afraid something would happen to Jay. So she ran and stopped in front of the room. Jay was in a sitting position, awake.

Erin had the biggest smile ever. She waited outside so the doctor and nurses could do their job. Once they finished everything they needed to do, they helped Jay to lay down. Then they left him. Jay slowly closed his eyes, not because he wanted to sleep but because his head hurt him a lot. Erin waited to the doctor to exit the room to ask him if everything was okay.

"He has a headache and is very confused, but it's part of the symptoms, it's nothing we didn't expect. It will fade with time. But we have to keep an eye on him…" Erin was looking at Jay while the doctor spoke to her.

"Okay thanks…"

Erin enter the room and looked at him with a smile.

"Hey" she said with her raspy voice.

He opened his eyes and saw her, the reflections of the sunlight on her skin.

"Hey Love…" he smiled at her and she laughed.

it was appeasing him so much to see her beaming.

"How are you?" she asked.

"like a mess" he chuckled but quickly winced at the pain. She sat beside him.

"You have no idea how much you scared me…" she looked at him, this time with a more serious look. His smile disappeared.

"I know… I'm sorry" he took his hand and squeezed it. She looked down at their hands and then up to meet his blue eyes.

After a moment of staring, she snapped back to reality and took her hand off his hand.

There was an awkward silence between the two of them. So Jay decided to appease the tension that invaded the room.

"So what did I missed?"

"Not much, Henry and Carl are dead so this mission is over. And we are working on shutting down this organization for good."

He nodded. "What about Carl's wife?"

"Julia? She disappeared. We tried to found out where she is hiding but nothing yet. If she's smart she will start a new life. After all she wasn't a big part in this organization so…"

Jay looked down at his hands and finally asked "What about…um…" he didn't finish his sentence. She looked at him and understood.

"Logan?" she asked and he nodded.

"I saw him last night, he was checking on you and said he would come back this morning."

"And Mark?"

"I didn't check. But I think he's okay…"

He nodded. She could see there was something off with him. Well, it was normal given the situation.

"I-I just don't understand you know…" he said.

She looked at him, and didn't say anything. She just listened to him.

"They were… dead." He looked at the emptiness.

Then the both of them heard a knock at the door. They looked at it and saw Logan leaning against the door.

"Hey…" he smiled.

Jay looked at him but didn't know what to say.

"I'll leave you guys." She got up, took her jacket and left, smiling at Logan on her way out. This last one looked at her leave and then turned back his attention to Jay. He sat on the armchair next to him and slightly leaned to Jay's side.

"How are you felling?" he asked

"I'm fine." He responded with no emotions in his voice.

"I bet you have a lot of question…" Logan said.

"How… how did you survive?"

"truthfully I don't know Jay… I just woke up and… I don't know, I was still alive."

"and Mark?"

"He was next to me, unconscious… so I did my best to wake him up."

"How the hell did you two came back here?"

Logan looked down and didn't responded. So Jay, who need answers insisted.

"Logan?"

Logan was looking elsewhere, trying to avoid his glance. But Jay kept asking.

"Logan?!"

"We did terrible things okay?!" he snapped back "we've done worst kind of things just to stay alive, and I'm not gonna talk about it. We promised each other we would never talk about this again."

Jay looked at his friends. He understood that it must have been difficult for the two of them to get out alive.

"Come here man!" Jay raised his arms and Logan lean forward and put him in a hug. He held Jay tight. "It's okay man, it's over" Jay tried his best to reassure him.

After a moment they broke apart and Logan sat back on the chair.

"So…" Logan chuckled and try to hide his emotions. "how are you?"

"I told you I'm fine…"

"No I mean in your life?"

"Oh man you don't want ask me this…" he laughed. Logan looked at him with wide eyes. "Now you have my attention…"

"It's complicate…"

"let me guess… her name is Lindsay?"

Jay looked at him chocked. "What? No…"

Logan cut him short "Man you should have seen the way she looks at you"

"Don't… there is nothing. We are just friends" he said with a small smile. Logan stared at him. "You seem happy" he laughed.

"Shut up!"

"I'm mean she's hot"

"Okay now you need to stop… she's my partner!" he raised his voice and throw Logan a glare.

"Woh oh" he raised his hands up in the air.

"What about um… Allie right?"

"What about her?" He looked at him confused.

"You guys are still dating?"

"Yes we are" Jay smiled.

"That's great man. I'm happy for you" he tapped Jay's shoulder.

"Yeah!"

"So you're a cop now huh?"

"Yes I am!"

"you followed my footsteps. I'm proud" Logan smirked.

Jay looked at him confused at first. "Oh yeah I forgot you were a cop before Afghan…"

"You bet I was! The best…" he said proudly.

"Don't flatter yourself!" Jay replied. They both laughed. Then silence imposed itself.

"So what are you gonna do now?" Jay asked. Logan looked at him and shrugged his shoulders.

"I guess I'm still figuring that out… We were thinking moving in, here in Chicago…"

"We?"

"Yes with Mark. We were in Seattle but you know with every thing that happened we thought it would be a good idea to move on and start a fresh new life."

"That would be great man." Jay had a small smiled

Erin came back to her apartment. She was exhausted so she headed toward her bedroom and feel onto her bed and slept.

It was 18 am when she woke up. She was so relieved that this mission was over, really. Jay was fine, his friends were back, Carl and Henry were gone and will never hurt anyone else. Everything was going back to normal. Well that what she thought.

She got up and poured herself a cup of coffee. Then she heard a knock at the door. First she thought it was Kelly but he'd say to her that he was reconstructing the casern with all the 51. So she opened the door and surprisingly meet Kim.

"You didn't answer my calls!" she stormed through the doorway.

"Please come in" Erin said sarcastically as she closed the door.

"Okay the wedding is in a month and I still haven't found my dress."

Kim and Adam wanted to marry fast. They had already found a church and a reception. They still needed to sent the invitation. But more importantly, Kim still hasn't found her dress. She'd tried several of them but neither of them were good enough.

"Yes right your wedding. I totally forgot...".

"Oh sorry. Totally selfish, with all that is happening. How is Jay?"

"He's fine. They're gonna keep an eye on him but he should be out in a few days"

"That's good news!" she had a big smile on her face

"So you need to find a wedding dress…"

"Yes and I need you to help me!"

"Oh um… I'm not really in fond of wedding stuff. Plus, it's my day off. All I wanna do it's sleep all day!"

"Please Erin! Don't make me ask Platt. She's totally freaking me out." Kim had a puppy face and Erin couldn't resist.

"Fine. But let's do it quickly."

"YES" she waved her fist on the air. "Let's go!" she put her hands on Erin shoulders and drove her toward the door.

Jay was now alone in his room. Logan left to go take a shower and change his cloths at his Hotel.

Jay couldn't sleep. He was plagued by headache and dizziness. So he spent his day at watching some boring TV programs. He was so bored.

Then he heard a knock at his room's door. It was Allie. She had the biggest smile on her face. "Hey you!" she said.

"Oh god I was getting bored. Please get me out of here" he begged to her.

"No way!" she laughed "You're staying here. You need to rest".

He grumbled.

"However, I brought your favorite magazines to distract you."

"'You're the best"

"You bet I am!"

He smiled at her "come here"

She leant forward and he placed a soft kiss on her lips. When she broke apart she looked at him. "Don't ever do that to me okay?"

"I promise"

Allie was staring a him for a moment, she was thinking about something and she needed to ask.

"What happened down there?"

Jay looked at her in the eyes. He could feel the confusion in them.

"Honestly? I don't even know! I guess we just trusted the wrong guy..."

She wanted to know more about this mission but she didn't want to push. She decided to trust him and let it go.

"Okay…" she kissed him softly. "I'll let you rest. I'll be back tomorrow"

She got up walked toward the door. Jay looked at her leave. She stopped in her way out and turned her attention back to him "Love you!"

"Love you too" he replied with a smile.

The night was awful for Jay. He couldn't sleep, the antibiotics the doctors gave him for his headache didn't have any effect on him. And when he finally succeeded to sleep, he was plunged in his nightmares.

 _"_ _We'll start with this building" Jay pointed. "But we aren't all going in. There will be two snipers outside to report what they see and inform if there is some movement. The 5 others will search the buildings! Am I clear?"_

 _They all nodded in agreement._

 _"_ _So who stay outside?" Jay asked._

 _Nobody volunteered. "No one? Come on guys!"_

 _"_ _Well Jay you're the best sniper" Mouse said._

 _"_ _I can't stay outside while you guys are inside. I need to be with you."_

 _"_ _No Jay! What you need to do is to watch our ass. We'll be fine without you!"._

 _Jay didn't respond. He wasn't convinced. But if they felt safer with him at the sniper spot, then he didn't have the choice. So he nodded. "But I'll need someone else._

 _"_ _I'll stay with you" mark suggested. Jay looked at him and nodded._

 _"_ _Okay let's go guys. Put your earpiece and update me at every floor your clearing."_

 _They all ran silently toward the first building, making sure no one could hear them. Jay and Mark positioned themselves in a spot where no one could notice them and start to look through their snipers' scope. They both followed with their eyes the five others, entering in the building._

 _"_ _We are in!" Logan whispered. He had his assault rifle in his hands and was clearing the corridor._

 _"_ _Okay. Let's finish this" Jay claimed._

 _Mouse had with him this infrared device, that allowed him to see through the walls every human in the room. So this reduced the risk of being caught and allowed them to clear faster every floor. After 10 min of radio silence Jay heard in his earpiece "First building clear! They are not here… Let's move to the second"._

 _"_ _Copy that" Jay responded._

 _They all got out noiselessly from the building. They hide themselves behind the wall before crossing the alley that gave them access to the second buildings. Mouse was the first to ran toward the door. Once he was there he looked around him and made a sign to the others for letting them know that the area was clear and could follow him. They all ran quietly in his direction. Logan who was good at manipulating things with his hands, unbolt the door and let the others enter to clear the entrance. Once they were all in, they did just like the first time, they cleared every room of every floor. But not sign of prisoners._

 _"_ _They are still not here. We're moving to the third"_

 _"_ _Shit!" Mark said through the earpiece._

 _They cleared the third building and still nothing. They were wondering if they didn't make a mistake._

 _"_ _Come on guys! Find him" Jay said. Maybe Logan was right. Maybe they were already dead._

 _They entered the forth building. Once they were inside, a door was slightly opened, giving them a glimpse of men who were looking at some football match on TV. They all stopped behind the wall, Logan looked discreetly, and made a sign to his squad for telling them they could go. So that what they did. One by one, they crossed to the other side and continued to clear the floor. But once they were on the second floor a door opened with the sound of a flush. A man got out and Mouse was standing just behind him. The stressed come up and he had to acted really quickly. So he put his left arm around the man shoulder and put his hands on his mouth so he couldn't scream. Mouse closed his eyes and quickly slat his throat. Then he laid down the man quietly on the ground and pulled him in the toilet room. He closed the door behind him and made a sign to the other to continue the search. Once they reached the third floor, the device noticed 2 men tied and three other men with what seemed like Kalashnikov. They were drinking. Mouse stopped the squad and let them know they found the two prisoners. He lifted three fingers for letting them know that there were 3 terrorist armed._

 _"_ _We found them" mouse whispered through his earpiece._

 _They needed to found a plan to get ride of them without a noise._

 _So they hid themselves in different spot, then Logan threw something on the floor to attract their attention. A first man got out and looked around but saw no one. He started to search in the corridor and Logan caught him by behind and strangled him. Once it was done, they waited for the others to came out._

 _The second man got out in its turn. Ryan knocked him out and slat his throat. Now they needed for the third man to go out. But this last one opened the window and made a sign to another man outside._

 _"_ _Shit you are spotted guys." Mark said as he saw trough his scope._

 _"_ _Get out of there! NOW!" Jay yelled through his earpiece._

 _They all looked at each other wondering if they had to leave now, leaving behind the two prisoners in here._

 _"_ _I'm not leaving without these men. I didn't risk my life for nothing. So those who want to leave, leave! I'm getting them out of there." Logan said as he walked in the room and shot at the only men left. Ryan came with him while Matt, Mouse and Jake waited outside._

 _Logan and Ryan looked at the prisoners. They were tied up and had a bullet on their right legs. The terrorist must have done that for preventing them to escape._

 _"_ _You've gonna be killing me!" Ryan said as he understood the prisoners couldn't walk._

 _"_ _Please help us!" one of the man said._

 _Logan looked at Ryan then back at them. He untied them and grabbed the first one and put him on his shoulder. He winced at the weight on his shoulder but quickly handled it. He looked at Ryan who seemed perplex. "Well… Grab him and carry him!"_

 _So Ryan quickly did it._

 _Jay and Mark noticed that nobody was searching for them. They were sure that the terrorist informed another man of their presence. The streets were desert._

 _"_ _This is weird…" Mark claimed. Logan was still looking through his scope. Then he saw a girl. She was scared and she seemed off. She was the only person on the street. Everything was quiet. She was heading toward the building were Jay's squad was still standing. Then Jay took a closer look at her and then noticed something at her abdomen._

 _"_ _She has a bomb vest!" Jay claimed. "No, no, no, no please…don't go there". Fear came up add up with anxiousness and stress when he realized she was getting more and more closer to the building. He needed to act quickly or she would blow up this building. He looked at her and noticed she was afraid and hesitating. She stopped in her way and turned around. Jay let out a sigh. He ran his hand on his forehead to wipe the perspiration. Then he looked back through his scope and saw her running toward the building again. His eyes went wide. He was caught off guard. "No!" he yelled. But she was still running. So he shot._

 ** _Hey guys! So what did you think about this chapter. Remember that what I wrote in italic, are what happened in Afghanistan. This is what happened to Jay and it is his worst memory about there. This is what Jay had to relieve at his test with Carl._**

 ** _Please review and tell me if you have some ideas for the next chapters..._**


	18. Chapter 18

Jay opened his eyes. He didn't move, just looked at the ceiling. The sound of the gunshot resonated in his head and his breathe became heavy. He raised up a little bit, leant on his elbows and looked at the alarm clock on his beside table. It was 3 am. He groaned and fell back on pillow. He knew he wouldn't sleep again. He was used to these nightmares. He had a lot of them since he came back, and the more time passed the less he had them.

But they all came back since he was assigned to this mission.Time. He just needed time and they would go away. He had to wait 4 hours in the dark before the nurse came to his room to check on him. When it was time, the nurse appeared and he instantly took the opportunity to asked her if they could page his brother, Will. Today was a busy one so Will only came 3 hours after Jay asked for him.

"Hey bro!" Will asked as he hung his pen on the pocket of his lab coat.

"Hey!" Jay replied exhausted.

Will took a look at Jay's medical file which was hanged at the end of his bed.

"how are you?"

"You're the one with my file. You tell me…"

"No I wanna ask you! How are you Jay?"

Jay understood his brother wanted to know more than just his medicals condition.

"Well that's why I wanted to see you… I wanna go home!"

Will looked at him attentively with questioning eyes, waiting for an explanation.

"I can't stay here any longer. I think I'm fine enough to go home. It's been days I can't stay here any longer. I'm tired of waiting for god knows what… Plus I can't rest here, I can't sleep, my head won't shut up. I just need some quiet." He paused and looked at is hands. "I just want to go home man…"

there was a long silence before Will broke it.

"Fine!"

Jay looked up surprised at how easy it was to convince him.

"seriously?! I mean… not that I want you to reconsider it but…"

"If being at your place can allow you to rest and appease you more than here than fine. But I want an update every day of how your doing and if you have any symptoms okay?"

"Yeah okay!"

"I'll take charge of the paperwork and than I'll come back!"

"Thanks Will"

Will nodded and left his room. So jay, satisfied, got up and got ready. When Will came back 30 minutes later, he had several papers that Jay needed to sign like what he decided on his own to leave the hospital.

Once done, he took his jacket and hugged his brother "See ya"

"Yeah! And don't forget, I want an update every day"

"Always looking out for me" Jay responded smiling, before leaving the room.

When Jay came home it was approximately 16 pm. He stopped by a café and decided to walk while drinking his coffee. It allowed him to really appreciate the fresh air and to take his mind off for a little while.

Once he was home, he dropped his keys on the counter and crashed on his sofa. He closed his eyes for a minute or two. It was good to be home again. These days in the hospitals felt like an eternity.

He got up, went to the bedroom and took off his shirt. He headed toward the bathroom and looked at his reflection on the mirror. But he instantaneously looked down. He shook his head and took off the rest of his cloth to take a shower.

He loved taking shower. It was the only moment of his day where he could relax and think at nothing. It was like the water could clean everything on his mind. This is why he directly headed toward the shower when he had his panic attack on his undercover mission. But the panic attack was too strong at the time.

Jay had a hand on the wall in front of him to support him and had his head down. The water of the shower was falling on the back of his head and on his back. With his other hand he was running his fingers through his hair.

The steam invaded all of the bathroom. He got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and walked in front of the mirror once again. But it was covered with the mist. He could just saw his silhouette, nothing clear. He was about to wipe the mirror but considered it was maybe better like that. So he stepped out. He put his sweat-suit, a tee shirt, walked toward his kitchen to grab a beer on his fridge and sat back on his couch. He leant his head onto the back and took a long gulp of his beer. God he was so comfortable in his own apartment, with no one to bother him. He just needed a little time off, distance himself with everything that happened previously. After a moment he decided to command pizza and to watch a movie to take his mind off of everything.

When a knock rang he got up thinking it was the delivery man. He excitingly opened the door but fell on an angry Erin. He kinda knew that was gonna happened and knew why she seemed upset. "I thought you were the delivery man" he titled slightly his head and looked at her up and down smirking. She looked at him and put a fake smile on her face and quickly removed it.

He didn't say anything. Instead he just stepped back to let her in. Once he closed the door he saw her looking around.

"Allie isn't here" Jay claimed. She turned around and looked at him with her hazel eyes.

"Can you tell me why you left the hospital?! God dammit Jay you have a concussion."

"Had…" he rectified "Will let me out so if my brother tells me I can leave I leave… I don't know where the problem is…" he passed through her and took back his beer.

"The problem is you had a serious concussion and you need intensive care…"

"No, what I need is quiet and rest"

"Jay you…" she tried to protest but he cut her short.

"God I'm so sick of people telling me what to do or what to feel…" he said coldly. He was more talking to himself than to her. But still she looked taken aback. He noticed that and decided to ease the tension.

"Listen Erin I don't want to argue with you, not again. Would you just please trust me when I tell you I'm fine and I can take care of myself. I promised Will I'd call him every day"

"Fine" she replied crossing her arms. She wasn't convinced but decided to withdraw. If this was what Jay wanted she wouldn't push. So she relaxed herself and looked at him. But with sad eyes. He looked at her confused. He didn't know why she was looking at him with these eyes.

Then he saw her walking toward him determined and put her arms around his neck. She hugged him thigh. He could feel her heart beats against his chest. First he looked taken aback then he slowly wrapped his arms against her waist.

"I was so scared I was never gonna see you again" she said with her raspy voice.

When jay was about to respond something, the front door opened and Allie came in. Jay and Erin broke apart as fast as possible and the two of them looked elsewhere clearing their throat. But Allie had already caught them. However, she decided not to cause a scene. She acted like she didn't saw anything and smiled.

"Hi Erin!" she said before kissing Jay making Erin to look down.

"Hey!" she responded awkwardly. "I was just checking on Jay… I'll leave the two of you!" She didn't know where to look at so she looked at Allie then quickly glanced at Jay and back at her. Then she left the apartment. Allie looked at the door then looked back at Jay who looked embarrassed.

"Will called me to tell me you decided to leave the hospital…"

"Yeah! I didn't feel comfortable in this hospital. I figured it was better for me if I came home, in a familiar environment ya know…"

She nodded with a small smile.

He smiled back and kissed her softly before heading toward the kitchen to take another beer. She looked at him and then looked at the front door, where Erin just left.

Since a few days, she wondered if there was something between the two of them. And it broke a little bit her heart thinking about that. She really loved Jay but she knew that she loved him more than he loved her. However, she decided to shake these thoughts out of her head and take care of Jay, because he was a mess, even if he tried his best to hide it. She knew him to well.

The next day, in the middle of the afternoon, every one was back at work. They were all doing paper work. As usual, Voight was in his office talking to someone on the phone, door closed.

Then Jay appeared, climbing the stairs. He knew exactly what he was doing here. He thought about it all night. He didn't feel himself anymore, he was lost and confused in his head. He was used to put a fake smile on his face even if he didn't want to. He was used to lie about how he feels. He was used to look radiant even if he didn't sleep more than 6 hours a week. And the best way to understand who he really was, was to take time for himself. He needed to talk to Voight. So he climbed the stairs with determination. But nobody saw him coming. Every one was deep in their work. Everyone except Ruzek. He was playing basketball with his trash when he noticed Jay coming up.

"what the hell are you doing here?! Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" he protested as he stood up.

At this moment everyone looked up.

"I left the hospital yesterday…" He responded with a confuse look. He thought Erin would have told them. He looked at her and titled his head on the right questioning her.

"Oh, I totally forgot to tell you guys… sorry" she said. But after a moment she was the one with a confuse face "Wait you left the hospital but you are supposed to stay at you place… resting!" she raised her voice. "God Jay why don't you just take care of yourself!"

It made him smile that she cared for him.

"I'm here to see Voight actually!"

They all looked perplexed. Jay looked at Voight's office and walked toward it. He knocked at the door and saw Voight signaling him to enter. So Jay did and closed the door behind him. Voight finished his exchange with the other person on the phone and then hanged up.

"I hope you have a good excuse to come here while you should rest!" he snapped at him.

"Actually that why I'm here. My brother told me I could go back to work in 2 week more or less but um…I think I need a little more time for myself you know?! these past weeks had been very… tough and full of surprises…" he stopped talking and looked at the emptiness. He was out for a moment, thinking about what happened. Voight tried to catch his glance.

"Son you're okay?!"

Jay looked up and put a smile on his face. "Yes! Sorry… so…" he cleared his throat "I think I'll take a few weeks off if that's okay?! I need to recover physically and mentally."

Voight nodded. "Take your time and come back to us when you're a 100%. We'll wait for you."

"Thanks Serg! And I have another favor to ask…"

"I listen…"

"My friend, Logan… well he was a cope before Afghanistan. I thought that maybe he could… replace me for a while! He's good police and a trusting and loyal guy!"

Voight didn't respond. He just looked at Jay, thinking about his proposition.

"Let me think about it" Voight replied.

Jay nodded and stood up. He glanced one more time at Voight before stepping out from his office.

He closed the door behind him and noticed every eyes were on him, waiting for an explication.

"I just came here asking to retire from intelligence for a moment… It's just I need a little time for myself."

Nobody knew what to say. So they just shut their mouth and all they could do was support him. Everybody knew all of this was affecting him more than he would say.

"But don't worry I'll be back soon. You won't get ride of me as easily." He smirked.

"Ruzek, if you take my chair I swear to god you'll hit the ground before you put your ass on it" Jay threatened him sarcastically making everyone to laugh.

Antonio stepped in and put Jay in a hug.

"Take care of you, bro"

"I will!"

Then he turned to Erin and stepped forward. He opened his arms and put her in a hug. She wrapped her arms around his waist and closed her eyes. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to.

J _ay stopped breathing. He just stopped. He couldn't believe what he had just done. He dropped his sniper and looked at the little girl he shot. He whispered continually What did I do? What did I do? The blood flowed from her head. She was just a little girl who didn't know what she was doing. She had a whole life head of her. And Jay end her life. Then when he realized what he did, his breath became heavier and heavier. Jay was focusing on the dead girl while Mark was yelling at the others through the earpiece._

 _"_ _Guys get out of here now!"_

 _Then he looked at Jay with sad eyes because he knew Jay would never forgive himself, even if he did it to save his friends, and worry eyes because they had to get out of here fast._

 _So the others got out from the building, shooting at everyone who tried to get in their way._

 _Mouse was in front with Matt while Jake locked up the rear. Logan and Ryan were in the middle carrying the men on their shoulder. On their way out everybody had to stride over the body of a young girl. They were confused about why there was a dead girl here. But the kept going._

 _Once Mark saw them out of the building, he got up and tried to make Jay get up to. "Come on Jay we have to leave" Mark was practically pulling Jay toward him to make him follow him. The street begun to fill with men armed. After a moment Jay decided to put his shit together and ran towards the others. They were behind a buildings were nobody could see them. But it was just a questions of minutes before they found them._

 _"_ _Jay tell us you have a plan to get out of here." Logan asked as he was carrying one of the men on his shoulder._

 _Jay looked around him. He was shaking. "I-I don't know…I don't know!" he was still looking around, agitated, nervous. His breathe was heavy._

 _So mark placed himself in front of Jay put his hands on Jay's shoulders and made him look at him. "Jay, Jay look at me". So jay did it. "You got it okay? Do you hear me? You got that! Just breath. Breathe." Jay listened to him and did exactly he was asked to do._

 _"_ _Okay, Okay, ummm…." he tried to think while looking around. Then he saw van. "Okay let's go" he started to ran while being very careful that nobody could see him. The others followed him. But when they were in front of the van they could hear screams from behind us._

 _"_ _Go in quick" Jay yelled. So while Jay and Mouse were in the front seats, the others opened the trunk of the van and got on. Some terrorist began to shoot at them._

 _"_ _Shittttt" Logan yelled. He received a bullet in his left arm. Ryan and Jake closed the door._

 _"_ _Just start the car damn it" Matt yelled._

 _Mouse was lean under the wheel trying to manipulate the wire. His hands were trembling. As for Jay he was shooting through the window at the few terrorists coming to them._

 _"_ _Mouse!" Jay said urgently. The terrorists were getting closer and closer with bullet coming from nowhere perforating the van._

 _Then they all heard the car's engine running. "DONE!" Mouse yelled full of joy._

 _He pushed with his feet the accelerator pedal and the car was moving._

 _"_ _Youhouuuu" Jake screamed at the back. The adrenaline was there. In every one. They were all laughing and relieved that they finally succeed to go out of this place safe and sound. Jay who was smiling too at the moment, slowly removed his smile. He though back at the little girl he had to shoot. What kind of a monster would do that? He felt sick and so angry. He was now in the edge. His whole body was tensed and even if they were safe, he never felt so unsafe in his whole life. this will be a part of him for the rest of his life. This agony and this guilt._

 _Mouse could sense something was off with him. He would glance a few times at him but decided not to speak to him or it would be worst._

 _Jay leant his head on the back of his seat and looked at the landscape passing in front of him. The sun was beginning to rise and the light was beautiful. As he was watching, a tear rolled over his right cheek. Mouse couldn't see it. Jay could finally release every emotion he had carry on since the beginning. It's been now 3 months since he left his home, his family, and Allie… god he missed her. But a part of him didn't want to see her. He was afraid she could never recognize him. He didn't know who he was anymore and it terrified him. What if… what if the coming back to the civilian life would be more painful than he would like. Facing the family of those who didn't make it…_

 _The journey in the car was silent. The adrenaline has faded; nobody wanted to speak about anything. Because even if they all got out from there alive, it was maybe the worst, scary mission they had to do. They were still shaking with fear. The thought of every life they had to take away for their own safety was unbearable. Women, children…_

It's been 10 days since Jay left the intelligence. 10 days, and he never called anyone for update or news. Just a few text message to his brother. But otherwise, nobody. He didn't answer Erin calls, just one text to reassure her that he was fine and just needed time.His physical condition wasn't all bad. Of course he still had some nausea and headache but it was part of his symptoms. But the mental condition…

He thought that being back in a familiar environment would help to go trough but it didn't. He still had nightmares. Carl said it before, you forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget. It still haunt him every day. Since this day, when he had to shoot a little girl, a darkness settled down deep inside of him. And no matter how hard he try to fight, it's a part of him. But he keeps fighting against it. He want to be the man he always wanted to be.

Every time there is a noise he flinches, every time Allie touch him he flinches. He is even scared of sleeping next to her because of how his nightmares are violent. He wakes up every night, screaming. He was more and more exhausted, he never goes out and when Allie tried to talk to him or to help he would get mad at her. And it makes him sad and angry at himself. She doesn't deserve to live like that. The old Jay, the Jay from way before Afghanistan would never tolerate this behavior toward her.

It was 8 pm when Allie came home. She was coming back from work. She noticed that Jay was in a bad place. And sincerely she didn't know what to do anymore. She was exhausted by work and Jay didn't go easy on her. The best she could do was act normally and be here for him. Because she loved him.

"Hey honey" she smiled at him and kissed him hello. He just smiled at her. She could tell that something was off with him. She looked at him with questioning eyes. He sighed, took her hand and took her to the living room where they sat on the couch. Now she was more confused.

"Listen Allie, I… I…" he didn't know how to say what he wanted to say to her. "I know that these past days had been difficult for you." She was going to protest but he raised his hand to stop her "let me finish…please… God this is hard… Okay here we go. So… Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. And during these past few days, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. I can see that you are not… happy anymore." She looked down at her hands, ashamed that he could see that. Jay understood that her silence was kind of an affirmation of her unhappiness. But he wasn't mad. He smiled at her before he kept explaining.

"For years now, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. And It occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that with you. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to let you go. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll keep self destruct, and the worse thing is, you'll be there to see it happen. And I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy Allie." He looked at her, dropping a few tears.

"Just… Just take care of you Jay! Okay?" she looked up to meet his beautiful eyes she will miss so much. He had a small smile in his face and nodded.

She got up, soon followed by Jay, took her bag and jacket and stepped toward the front door. She turned back and hugged Jay. This last one wrapped his arms around her waist and hug her thigh before letting her go. She opened the door, stepped out and glanced one more time at Jay then left. Jay closed the door, but kept his hands on the door, allowing him to support himself. He had his head down with his eyes closed. This wasn't easy for him. Allie was his first love, she was the one who bring him back from Afghanistan, she was…Allie.

Hey guys. I'm so sorry for the late update. I had a lot to do these past few days. But I'm back! So I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review. It makes me happy and it encourage me to keep writing. So tell me what you think about this chapter. Like I said before, this is just the beginning for Jay. It will get worst and worst. Their is a big death coming in the next chapters but I won't say who...

Remember that what I wrote in italic it's what Jay's been through in Afghanistan and it's what he had to relive in his test with Carl. So it ends here but i don't know if I should keep writing this flashback or if i should stop here. Tell me...


	19. Chapter 19

Hey guys! Here I am. So here is the new chapter of The Past. Tell me what you thought about it. For the next chapters there will be a reunion for two people, there be a marriage, another reunion and a death. But it's not the end. I have a lot of ideas for the rest of the story. If you have concerned about the story or if you don't understand something, please tell me in reviews or send me a private message and I'll answer you.

Enjoy ;)

25 days since Jay left the Intelligence.

It was appeasing him a little bit taking care of himself. Tonight Mouse proposed him to take a beer with him, Logan and Mark. But not at Molly's. Jay wanted it to be more intimate. Plus, he wasn't ready to see again everybody again. Not that he didn't want to but, he considered that he needed to distance himself from the Chicago squad for a moment. Of course he loved them, everyone, the 51, Med, the Intelligence… they were his family. And that was why he needed space. So that when he'd come back, he would be the man they knew. He wanted to be the man they always knew. But because of what he's been through, he's changed. And he couldn't pretend he didn't. All he needed was time.

Once he was ready to go out, he came out from his apartment and went down the stairs. Mouse was waiting for him in his Jeep. Logan and Mark would join them at the bar. The four of them were sitting at a table, drinking beers. It's been a while now since Jay didn't drink Tequila, Whiskey or Vodka. He knew inside of him that he was better than this. The beer just helped him getting through this. This night was a good one. Jay really enjoyed spending time with his 3 best friends. As usual, Logan was the one making jokes, and Mark, the wise one, was the one throwing him glares, making Jay and mouse to laugh.

"So how is the Intelligence? I heard Voight considered my offer" Jay asked Logan. A big smile appeared on this latter's face.

"Yes he did. He called me and asked for a meeting. I had to answer some questions so he could learn more about my qualities. And… I think I convinced him."

"Good. This is good man! I'm happy for you" Jay replied.

"Thanks" Logan really appreciated what jay did for him. Mark who was sitting next to Logan put his left hand on Logan left shoulder and squeezed it.

"Are you partnering with Lindsay" Jay asked playing with his beer, not looking at Logan when he asked this question.

"Yes I am… and this woman…God she is a pain in the ass! I mean, man… she doesn't let me drive!" he said annoyed.

Jay smiled slightly. His thoughts were submerged by Erin. And the more he was thinking about her, the more his smile was disappearing. He was looking at the emptiness, his hands around his beer. After a moment, he came back to reality and looked at Logan.

"you need to have her back! 24 hours a day. And if anything happens to her…" Jay looked at Logan with threatening eyes.

"Hey Jay don't worry! I have her back. You know I do. Like I always had yours."

The mood quickly changed, letting the tension dominate.

So to appease it Mouse decided to change the subject.

"What about you Mark?" he asked taking a sip of his beer.

"Well, I did find a job too." He smiled at the idea of him telling them what was it. They all looked at him with questioning eyes.

"as a bartender at Molly's"

"No way!" Mouse laughed.

"duh, yes way" Mark replied smiling. "I might be the best barman in this town so why not?! Plus, I love gossips." he added nonchalant.

They all laughed.

"Speaking of gossip, I heard you and Allie… aren't together anymore" Mouse claimed looking at the person involved.

Jay looked up to meet Mouse's eyes.

"how do you know?" Jay asked confused. He didn't want this to be known, at least not now.

"Allie told me… We took a beer at Molly's."

Jay forgot that Allie and Mouse were close friends. When Jay came back from Afghanistan, they both grew together to help Jay moving past his demons. They were like best friends now and they often take a drink together.

"I ended things before it gets to hard for the both of us."

"What would it get to hard?"

"I'm not in a good place right now. And I don't want her to waist her time with me." Jay was looking at the emptiness when he said that.

Mouse didn't push. He knew it was difficult for the both of them.

"how is she?!" Jay looked at Mouse.

"how do you think she is?... She was ready to fight for you, once again. But you weren't ready to let her in." Jay felt a cold voice getting out from Mouse's mouth. He looked down at his empty beer.

"I couldn't…" he said in a low voice.

"I know" Mouse had a small smile. He felt sorry for Jay. He deserved so much better than his life.

Suddenly, something fell on the ground, making a loud noise. Jay violently jumped and instinctively got out his gun. He looked at where the noise came from just to see pieces of glass spread on the floor. His three friends got up suddenly.

"Wow wow wow Jay it's just a Glass. Calm down" Mouse claimed with his hands raised toward Jay to put the gun down.

Everyone in the bar was afraid because of Jay's behavior. So this latter put his gun down and sat back on his chair. He was slightly shaking. Even he tried his best to hide it his friends could saw him anyways.

"You okay buddy?" Logan asked him while everyone in the bar resumed their conversations.

Jay didn't answer. The four of them were hanging there in silence not knowing what to say or what to do. Mark was looking at him, trying to read his face. Mark has always been the one to understand Jay better than anyone. Maybe because he was the only one to know what specifically happened to Jay. Jay never told to anyone he had to kill a little girl to save his squad. He kept it deep down in him and it was killing him from the inside.

Mark knew it. He saw Jay pull the trigger. And Mark never told anyone what jay did. It was their little secret.

"I just need a minute" Jay got up and walked toward the bar. They all looked at him walking away. Mark got up and asked the two other to stay where they were.

Jay was sitting at the bar ordering a whiskey. He couldn't handle it anymore. Mark came up from behind, put his left hand on Jay's right shoulder. Jay looked at him sitting next to him and looked back at his glass of alcohol. Mark ordered the same thing at the bartender. He didn't talk at first, he just waited for his drink. When it came up, he took a sip and put down his glass.

Then he looked at Jay who was playing with his glass. He was in his thoughts.

"He made you passing his test didn't he?" Mark finally asked after a moment.

Jay looked up in front of him but not looking directly at Mark. He didn't respond but his silence told a lot.

"What was it?" Mark wasn't afraid to ask these kind of questions. He's been through the same thing that Jay and he wasn't the guy to tip-toing around.

Jay turned his head and threw him a glare which said "you know exactly what it was".

So Mark nodded.

"I see inside of you, ya know?! Your guilt, your anger, your confusion…" Mark told Jay. This latter turned his head to look at his best friend before Mark continued. "But you have to stop hurting yourself Jay. You have to move on. What happened over there … you couldn't have done… anything differently. You had to do it."

Jay had a tear coming from the very corner of his left eyes and rolling on his cheek. Mark couldn't see it. After a moment he opened his mouth and tried to speak.

"How I feel inside me … I wish I couldn't feel a thing Mark." He paused "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing". Another tear rolled on his cheek. Jay cleared his throat and looked at his glass enable to look at his best friend in the eyes. Mark had sad eyes. He didn't know what to do. So he tried his last alternative to make Jay felling better.

"did you try to see Olivia, Jay?!"

"Not since the incident…"

"Jay she is your sister. She'll forgive you!"

"But I can't! I can't forgive myself!"

Mark didn't say anything. In these case he can't do anything. Jay has to trust himself and to forgive himself, without the help of his friend. So mark didn't push.

"Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in" Jay took his drink and finished it in one gulp welcoming the burn in his throat. He was talking about Carl and Henry who made him relive memories from his past all over again for hours

Looking at his empty glass, Jay ordered another one.

"There will always be memories Jay. Okay? Some of them are unbearable and yes you'll have to live with them every second of your life. But… the pain will fade. You have to hold on to the best memories. These will you keep you moving"

Mark turned his head to look at Jay. "you know what they say…Memories warm you up from the inside."

"No memories don't warm you from the inside. They tear you apart" Jay added and finished his second glass.

After a moment, Mouse and Logan joined them at the bar. Logan squeezed Jay shoulders to let him know they were all there for him. Jay smiled and ordered drinks for all of them. They spent the whole night at the bar, drinking and laughing again just like nothing happened. At 5 am Jay told them they could spent the night at his apartment. They took a cab, still drunk and laughing. Logan couldn't handle himself anymore. He couldn't stand on his feet. The three of them had to carry him until they finally reach Jay's apartment. Jay made a long time before he opened his front door. He couldn't stop laughing at how Mouse and Mark, also drunk, managed to carry Logan. Once he did, mark and Mouse threw Logan on the couch.

While Logan was in a half sleep, Jay and Mouse were sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch while Mark was slumped in an armchair.

"god tonight was…" Mark began to say and then he started to laugh again followed by Jay and Mouse. While they were laughing they heard Logan making some noise.

"first of all, my penis has a first name…" Logan said while he was sleeping.

The three of them instantly looked at Logan chocked and not sure about what he just said.

"did you heard the same thing that I did?" Jay asked them whispering.

Mouse and mark nodded, laughing. There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Logan spoke again "it's Bob" he said with a big smirk.

Then the three of them looked back at Logan. Everyone had one eyebrow raised.

"Bob? Seriously Logan?" Mark asked.

Jay shrugged his shoulders and made a nod of approval "let's go for Bob then…"

"sounds fine to me" Mouse added.

Mark, Mouse and Jay spent the whole night making fun of Logan and his 'Bob'.

It was 8 PM when the alarm of Logan's watch rang. He suddenly jumped and was now in a seated position on the couch. He instantly put his fingers on his temple and started massaging them. His hair was a disaster, and his eyes weren't accustomed at the daylight yet.

"you okay buddy?" Jay asked him.

Logan turned his head in the direction of Jay and saw Mouse and Jay still sitting on the floor, fully awake. Logan looked confused and looked around. Mark was in the kitchen pouring himself a glass f water.

"you guys stayed up the whole night?"

"you bet we did!" Mark replied.

Logan couldn't remember last night. He tried his best to remind the chronology of the last event but it was the blackout total.

"dude you were talking in you sleep. It was terrifying." Mouse claimed with a degusted face.

Logan looked at him confused. Mark came out from the kitchen with a glass of water in his hand and handed it to Logan.

"How is Bob this morning?"

Mouse and Jay chuckled while Mark looked very serious. Logan looked more and more perturbed. He drank the glass of water and slightly put it down on the coffee table. He froze for a moment making the others to look at each other confused. Logan quickly got up and headed toward the bathroom to vomit into the toilet. He spent one hour in the bathroom leant on the toilet.

Jay needed to brush his teeth and to do his hair again. So he opened the door, glanced at Logan and headed toward the mirror.

"You know there's a really good cure for a hangover. It's a greasy pork sandwich served up on a dirty ashtray." Jay said as he looked himself at his reflection.

"I hate you" Logan groaned, throwing up again.

"I know you do" Jay said satisfied with a smirk on his face.

After a moment, Logan finally decided to get up from the toilet. He looked at the mirror and sighed of desperation at what he was facing in front of him. He let the tap water ran into his hands and plunged his head into them. He quickly brushed his teeth and came out from the bathroom. Jay was alone on his couch looking at his phone when he heard Logan coming.

"Where did Mark and Mouse go?!" Logan asked still a little bit woozy. It was a beautiful day today and he still wasn't accustomed to the sunlight. Jay got up and headed toward a counter.

"They already left" he responded as he handled Logan a bottle of water and a pair of glasses. "Don't break them…" he added.

Logan took them and put them on his face. "thanks"

"Come on I'll drive you to the district" he said as took his car key. Logan followed him.

During the car drive, Logan really was in a bad shape. He rested his head against the window and looked at the scenery in front of him.

"you're gonna wreak havoc today" Jay made fun of him.

"don't talk to me" Logan grumbled. Logan opened the window to take a breath of fresh air.

When they finally reached the 21 district Logan didn't even realize it. He stayed a moment in the car with his thoughts.

"dude we're here"

"huh" he jumped and looked around. "Oh yeah thanks man"

He got out of the car and closed the door. But before he left, he leant against the window and looked at Jay.

"you sure you don't want to come in? I'm sure everybody would be glad to see you; you know…"

Jay looked at him with a small smile. "Maybe another day. I need to do something today."

"Okay… Call me later"

"I will" Jay replied as he started his car again and drove away. Logan looked him a moment before a person bumped on him form the back and continued to walk. Out of his trance, Logan decided to enter the district. After receiving a glare from Platt, he came up the intelligence stairs still with his sunglass on him. He walked past everyone, not in a mood to say hello. He sat on his desk and put his hand on his face. Antonio walked toward him delicately.

"GOOD MORNING" he yelled at him knowing exactly that Logan had a hangover. He was very good at noticing things like that. He earned a groan from Logan making everyone into the room to chuckle.

"Someone had fun last night" Erin claimed, smiling, still looking at her computer.

"You have no idea princess" Logan responded.

"How many time do I have to tell you not to call me PRINCESS?"

"as many time as you want... Princess!" he smirked.

"No seriously stop."

"I'll stop when you'll let me drive!"

"Okay smartass you need to understand that this will never happen."

Logan let out another groan and dropped his head on his desk.

"But nice try" Erin smiled at him.

He returned her smile and quickly removed it. Today was paperwork. They just finished to wrap a case and they had to take care of the administration and paperwork. After two hours, Logan couldn't handle it so he got up and headed toward the break room. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sighed of relieve when the coffee finally reached his mouth. But he still had a headache, so he started to search some medicine that would help him getting through the day. While he was searching on every cupboard of the break room, Erin came from behind to also pour herself a cup of coffee.

"So… what did you celebrate last night to be in this state?"

"huh?! Nothing… we just drank some… drinks"

Erin stood with her hand on the sink to catch her cup on the shelf. Once she did, she poured herself some coffee.

"we?"

"yeah you know Mouse, Mark… Jay" Logan paused a moment before saying Jay. He knew Erin and Jay had a 'thing'. He felt it since the first day he came back. And he also knew that Erin didn't had much news from Jay since he left the intelligence.

When Erin heard the name of Jay she froze. She put her cup of coffee away from her mouth and looked at Logan speechless.

"you saw him?!"

Logan just nodded.

"How is he?!" Logan content himself to just shrug his shoulders "fine" he said nonchalant resuming his search for medicine.

"come on Logan…" Erin insisted and positioned herself in front of him.

"Listen he'll fine. He just need time."

"It's been nearly a month…"

"Do you know how much it takes for a soldier to recover from War? An entire life! Yes, Jay didn't come back to war but these son of a bitch made him relieve his worst nightmares for hours and made sure he lives with them for the rest of his life… I know you miss him. I miss him too. All we can do is at least wait for him to get… better." He put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it to reassure her. Then he continued his search.

"what the hell are you looking for?" she asked taking a sip of coffee.

"something for my headache" he replied still searching.

Erin watched him for a moment, amazed. Feeling pity for him she opened a cupboard.

"here"

He turned around to meet Erin handling him an aspirin tablet.

"Thanks" he sighed. He looked at her with his seductive blue eyes. Erin looked at them which were at the same time blazing and dazzling.

She felt very confused and also trapped in them. Since now she never realized how attractive he was. She put the aspirin in his hand and turned around. She went back into her desk, leaving a very confused Logan too. He felt the electricity invading him and felt disoriented for a moment. So he took his aspirin with his coffee and went back to work still very distracted by what just happened


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey everyone. So I have a request, could you tell me if you like or are attached to some of the new character: Logan, Mark and Olivia. If yes tell me why... if not tell me why? With one do you prefer. I really like the three of them and i try my best to make them as likable and charming as possible. Please tell me because I have no idea...**

Jay was waiting in his car, parked in front of a house. He had both of his hands on the wheel breathing heavily. He was there since an hour and couldn't decided himself to get out of the car. But he figured out that it was now or never. So he took a deep breath and finally opened his door.

The house in front of him was a white one with a porch which extends all around the house. The shutters were brown and the front door was an ordinary one in brown wood.

He went up the 4 steps of the stoop and reach the entry porch. He exhaled and knocked at the door, twice. First no response. But when he was about to knock once again, the door opened and a beautiful women appeared. Brown hair in a ponytail, her hair naturally wavy, green eyes and a beauty spot above her left eyebrow on the left side.

She froze for a moment, stopped breathing and instantly made a step back.

"Jay" she whispered. Her eyes were… he couldn't tell. She was just so surprised.

"hey 'Liv" he replied.

They didn't spoke for an instant. She steeped out of her home to get closer to him.

Her eyes became dark full of rage and before he could speak, she slapped him on the face.

He looked down at his feet.

"I-I don't… I don't know what to say" he admitted.

She looked at him. "How about… hey sis'! Sorry for not giving some news for two years! Speaking of, how are you since, you know… the accident?" she responded full of rage in her voice.

"I tried. I really tried to come over sooner but…" he shifted from foot to foot.

"But what" she cut him off.

He remained silent of an instant searching any available excuse. But there wasn't.

"I couldn't…" he said at low voice.

"You couldn't? That's your answer? You couldn't just call or send me a letter? Don't you think you owed me that?"

He didn't respond. He couldn't even look at her.

"Give me an answer! Why?" she looked at him conscientiously.

"because I couldn't…" he looked up to meet her eyes full of sadness and incomprehension.

"So you judged right that it was better to left me alone?"

"You had Will…"

She sighed, disappointed that Jay wouldn't open up to her a little bit more. There was a time when they were very, very close together. Jay's always been so protective and so nice with her, when she was a little girl. They never spent a day without seeing each other of calling each other. Except when Jay was at war. It was more difficult. Jay was the only one to whom she could talk. Their dad has never been present in their life. The only thing present in his was a bottle of whiskey. And today, if Jay has problems with alcohol, he gets it from his father.

But now she is a grown woman. And he wasn't there to see her growing. Today she is a Lawyer. And a damn good one. Jay always said it. He believed in her. He always managed to support her in her period of exams, even when he was in Afghanistan.

And when he came back from it, they were back to their usual life. But Jay was suffering from PTSD. Even if he did the best to hide it, one of their usual moment became his worst moment. While he was taking her to the restaurant like every Friday night, he had a PTSD episode on the road and she was at the passenger seat. It was a violent accident. Even him can't remember all of it. All he could remember is that when he woke up, he could only see sirens and hear loud noises. And beside him, his sister. She stayed in the coma for a month or so. He never visited her to the hospital because he couldn't face the damage he did to her. He felt so guilty and ashamed. That's when he started drinking. It was his only way to ease the pain. By loosing himself.

"So what are you doing here Jay? You came all of this way just to tell me you couldn't come see your little sister?" she asked nonchalant.

"You think it was easy for me?! You think I never dialed your number or parked my car just over there" he pointed his index on a spot just in front of her house "a millions of time to see you or hear your voice even just a fraction of second?" he yelled. But not at her. Not because he was angry but because he was in so much pain. And the way she was looking at him, with soulful and sad eyes, it made it worth.

"I couldn't handle what I did okay?!"

"It wasn't you fault!"

"yes it was" he said out loud. "it was my fault. I knew I was having some…episodes" he didn't know how to call it. "and still I made you get into my car. I shouldn't have to." He looked at her. He was trying to make her understand that what he did is unforgettable. "you could have died" he looked at her intensely to make his point.

He finally exhaled and calm down.

"I couldn't change what I did. But I could make sure that would never, ever happen again… So I cut off. At least I knew you were fine. And I was right."

She was still looking at him with soulful and sad eyes but mixed with worried eyes. How could he think all of these horrible things about himself.

"I would have died and so what?"

"excuse me?" he looked at her confused about what she just said.

"Tragedies happen, Jay. What are you gonna do? Give up? Quit? No! Because when loose somebody, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because YOU are, Jay. And that pain you feel right now? That's life. The confusion and fear, that's here to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for." She told him, patting her index on his chest. After a moment of silence, he took her and put her in a hug. She was surprise at first and then quickly wrapped her arms around his waist. She placed her cheek on his chest and peacefully closed her eyes. It's been so long since she smelled his smell. She was smaller than him so her head reached his mouth. So he took the opportunity to kiss her forehead. God he missed her so much.

They spent the whole afternoon talking and catching up for lost time. They talked about everything, their mom, her success in Law, his job, his complicated love life that even his own sister couldn't follow him, making him to laugh. But he didn't tell her about what has been darkened his daily life. However, Jay was getting to regain his joy of life and his humor he once lost. His little sister was illuminating his life. She always has. It was getting late and she was working the next day. So he got up from the couch and turned around to face her. He looked at her with gleaming eyes.

"I should go."

So she got up and embraced him with all of his strength. He put a soft kiss on her cheek and opened the door of her front door. When he was getting ready to leave she called out to him.

"Jay?"

He turned around and looked at her with questioning eyes.

"I'll see you soon then." she said. There was a moment of silence. "remember? When I say it, you say it…"

Of course he remembered. How could he forget it? It was their usual quotes to say goodbye, since they are child. For example, every time it was the start of the school year, Jay always managed to accompany her and when they had to split up they always said: "I'll see you then". Or every time Jay left for the war, it was Olivia's way to say him goodbye and that they would be reunited again. It was kind of a tradition.

So when Jay heard her say that since a long time, his heart broke a little bit. He smiled and returned the quotes.

"I'll see you then."

That was all she needed to hear. He turned around, went down the 4 steps of the stoop and got back into his car. She watched him leave and stepped back into her house as well.

Jay was feeling so much better since he saw his sister. He was going out more often with his 3 best friends, was practicing sport again and completely stopped drinking alcohol. But he hasn't see his intelligence team yet. What happened with Carl and everything he just needed a little bit more time.

Today was a special day. It was the wedding of Adam Ruzek and Kim Burgess. They didn't want to do it in a church so they found a beautiful place with an interior and an exterior.

Jay was Ruzek's witness. It was 19:30 when Jay started to getting prepared.

After having a hot shower, he walked toward his dressing. He put a white shirt with his blue Italian waistcoat and a burgundy tie. His pantsuit was fitting with his waistcoat and he had maroon pointy-toad shoes. He finished by putting his beautiful watch on his left hand.

He really looked handsome.

After that, he headed toward the bathroom to comb his hair. His hair grew a little bit but not to long. He never had these hairs. It was perfect like that. He had a stubble beard which looked good on him.

The wedding was beginning at 8:30 and he was very late so he left his apartment after taking the wedding ring.

Logan and Mark were the one to pick him up. Of course they were also late so Jay began to become anxious. He hoped he would be there in time to give Ruzek the wedding ring.

Jay waited 10 minutes outside. Lucky for him it wasn't a cold night. They were still in summer.

Logan and Mark arrived in a grey Porsche 911 convertible. Logan was in the driving seat while Mark was on the passenger seat. Logan was driving quicker than he should, but they were really late. Jay had already several call missed from Adam. They arrived in front of jay and this one jumped in the back seat. No time for Mark to get out and letting Jay pass.

"Go go go" Jay said tapping Logan's shoulder. So Logan start the car and drove fast.

Fortunately, Jay put some hair gel or his hair would be a mess since it was a convertible.

"Whose car is it?" Jay asked as he looked at it.

"not bad huh?! I bought it a few days ago."

"with which money? You don't have as much money…"

"I have a lot of secrets you don't know about me Jay" Logan smirked making Jay to roll his eyes.

"Shut up and drive" Mark replied. Logan laughed and stepped on the accelerator screaming in excitement. They were a little bit propelled at the back of their seat and the adrenaline raised in them. They all laughed.

When they arrived at the parking spot it was 8:50 and there was already a lot of car parked. They didn't have time to find a place so Logan being who he is, he did a doughnuts and a damn good one. Jay stride over the car while Logan and Mark unbuckled their seatbelt and opened their door. They left the car where it was and ran toward the interior place. It was a big room made in wood. There was arches in flower and under them a long alley and seats at each side of this alley. The room was decorated with a lot of fairy lights.

They pushed the front door and everyone turned around to look at them. Ruzek and Kim were also looking at them as well and so was the priest who interrupted his speech. The ceremony had already begun. Ruzek decided to start without his witness and figured he would arrive soon. Mark, Logan and Jay were short of breath. They quickly fixed their hair and began to walk toward the seats, side by side. Jay was on the middle, Mark on the right and Logan on the left.

The three of them were very handsome boys and very sexy. It's never been a secret. They always drew the attention, wherever they were.

Mark had a lock of his dark hair falling onto his forehead which made him even a lot hotter than usually. Logan, well, he had this bad boy style with his piercing eyes, his eyebrows a little frown and his usual smirk on his face. As for Jay, with his beard and his very nice suit that fit closely round his well built body he was very attractive. Mark found a seat on the right side and Logan on the left. As for Jay he continued his walk on the alley and positioned himself near Ruzek.

"sorry" he whispered near his ear and stepped back. He put both of his hands in front of him and nodded toward the priest to allow him to continue his speech.

Jay took the opportunity to slightly get back his breath and to nicely readjust his waistcoat.

Then he caught someone eyes. Eyes that he didn't saw for a long time and would miss so much. Her hazel eyes were staring at him since he arrived.

Erin, was wearing a golden, sequined, low backed dress with long sleeved. Her blond hair was put into a bun with some locks of hair falling and had a slight make up on her face. In her hand there was a golden clutch bag as well and was wearing black heeled shoes.

Jay was once again breathless. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. And either could she.

It's the first time since a long time that she finally sees him again and she was speechless.

When she saw him coming in, with his handsome look, she was submerged by shivers. They were looking at each other for the whole ceremony.

"Hey jay!" Ruzek waved his hand in front of Jay's eyes.

"huh?" Jay snapped back to the reality.

"the ring…"

"oh yeah, sorry" he put his hand onto the pocket of his pantsuit and pulled out the ring.

He gave it to Ruzek and this latter turned back to face his future wife. He exhaled and began his wedding vow.

"Kim, I could promise to hold you and to cherish you. I could promise to be in sickness and in health. I could say, til death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here, on my wedding day, optimistic or full of hope"

Everyone in the room was glancing at each other a little confused about Ruzek vows. Logan was chuckling at how pathetic his vows began. "if he wants to make the girl run away… damn he's good" he whispered to the women sitting next to him. This latter threw him a glare making Logan's smirk to disappear. He turned back his attention to the couple and raised his eyebrows at the humorless girl sitting next to him.

As for Jay when he heard these vows he raised one of his eyebrows and Erin frowned hers.

Kim, well, Kim was also confused. But the funnier was the priest. He even tried to cut him off.

"um…" he started to say but Ruzek raised his hand to interrupt him and continued his vow.

"I am not optimistic; I am not hopeful…I am sure. I am steady. This I am sure, you are my partner, my lover, my very best friend, my heart… my heart beats for you."

Erin and Jay glanced at each other while Ruzek was speaking. She was fully, completely looking at his burning eyes. Then Erin broke their glance by looking down.

"And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this: I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you me."

When he finished his vow, Kim had tears at the corner of her eyes. She was smiling at him and a tear rolled onto her cheeks. Everyone in the room was very emotional.

"Kim?" the priest invited her to say her vows. She let out a gasp at how emotive she was. She took a breath and began to speak.

"You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day, not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until your right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days, the perfect days. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready.

For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility. Today Adam Ruzek, our life together begins."

She looked at him with a big smile. "And I can't wait for it"

Ruzek was watching her with love struck eyes. "I love you" he said before kissing her.

The priest cleared his throat "not yet" he said.

Ruzek stepped back "hurry up" he said making everyone in the room to laugh.

"by the power vested in me by God and the state of Illinois, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

"Now?" Kim asked the priest but still looking at Ruzek.

The priest smiled and replied "now". So Kim leant toward Ruzek, put her hands on his cheeks and kissed him.

Everybody got up and applauded.

10 minutes later everybody split up into the room, drinking champagne, dancing, talking, laughing.

When the ceremony ended, Jay quickly grabbed a glass of champagne and left the room to walk along the pond. He stopped after a few stepped and leant his right shoulder against a tree and faced the pond. The full moon was reflecting on the water. It was a beautiful night; he could see the stars.

Erin was still inside talking with some friends when Logan came. Her friends let her alone with Logan.

"hello gorgeous" he said smirking, again.

"what took you guys so long to come?"

"ohhh… scared you wouldn't enjoy your night without me?" he made his sweet little puppy face.

"this is my best friend wedding. Do you really think I would get bored?! Pfff… you wished"

"what if I did… wish?" he looked at her with his playful eyes.

"stop flirting with me. It will never happen" she looked at him.

"I'm not flirting… I'm just being extra friendly to someone who is extra… attractive" he steeped forward.

"I'm to smart to be seduced by you" she raised an eyebrow looking at him.

"that's what I like about you" he smirked making another step. She put her hand on his chest to stop him and turned around "Good night Logan". She left and took a glass of champagne in her way.

"you have no self control… it's sad, really"

Erin found herself on the terrace laughing with other friends from 51. While Otis was telling them a story she caught involuntarily Jay, alone, leant against a tree in front of the pond.

Her smile from Otis previous jokes progressively disappear. She held her breath for an instant.

"excuse me" she said before leaving them. She walked toward him slowly because she didn't want to scare him.

"Hey stranger" she said with a small smile from behind him. He turned around and laid his eyes on her.

"Hey love" He replied.


	21. summary

**Hey guys so I'm doing a summary so you won't be lost and and like that I can be sure you are keeping up. It's been a while since I started this story and you may have forgotten some details that can be important if you want to fully understand the rest of the story.**

 **Please read it! I'm actually writing chapter 21 ;)**

 **In chapter 1:**

the story began in the middle of a case where a pyromaniac is burning down places like house, warehouse…

 **In chapter 2:**

Jay's been hurt and that's where we noticed Jay and Erin are very close and really take care of each other

 **In chapter 3:**

firefighters are trapped din a house in fire, Kelly was one of them and Erin is really anxious. Erin come back to the intelligence with a dog tags belonging to Mark Parker. Jay and Mouse can't believe it. This is when the case involved the two of them especially Jay. We learn a little bit about them but not much. Every body is confused and neither mouse and Jay want to talk about it.

 **Chapter 4:**

Mouse try to talk to Jay but this one is close to any conversation. All he wants to do is drink all night. This is where we learn that they lost 5 friends over there. He fights with mouse and go home. Erin come to see him and he try to reject her but she finally stays.

 **Chapter 5:**

Jay learn that he's going to undercover to enter the organization of Carl Fargs, the "chef". Cral Fargs is an ex soldier and recruit also ex soldier who can't support the return to the reality and need help. Erin noticed that Jay has problem with alcohol and has a fight with him.

 **Chapter 6:**

Erin is still pissed at Jay and they meet each other in Voight's office to have all of the information for the undercover

 **Chapter 7** :

Jay's nightmares began to be regular. He and Erin reconcile. They do shopping with their respective friends: Ruzek and Kim. The two of them try to obtain information about their "undercover situation".

 **Chapter 8:**

Jay passed his test which was an awful time for him to spend. He has his first violent panic attack and Erin find him in the shower. After he calmed himself, the tension between them is to strong. They finally give up and sleep together.

 **Chapter 9:**

Erin try to make Jay talk about his test but he can't. She falls asleep but he can't. So he got up and poured himself a drink and accidently drop it on the floor. Erin awake, she joins him and notice he was drinking. She is upset and tell him that he need to think about their mission. Jay quickly understand that she regrets what happened between them. Jay isn't talking to her anymore. Not even about the case which make Erin anxious about him and what he's doing outside with Carl and henry.

 **Chapter 10:**

Erin try to talk to Carl's wife, Julia. The team thinks she is a big part of the organization. Julia talk to Erin about how his husband was when he came back from war and that it's absolutely normal that Jay won't spoke to her about that. Meanwhile, Jay is with Carl and henry. They are in a big warehouse where Carl and Henry ask Jay to burn the car. Jay does it and feel a weight lifting off his chest, for the first time. He feels relieve.

Then he drove home very late. Erin was very anxious and scared about Jay. She thinks about her and jay, and Severide. She is lost and confused in her head.

 **Chapter 11:**

Erin is more and more anxious. She waiting for him and even called Antonio for help. The two of them waited for Jay at the hotel room. When this latter came back, Antonio slammed him against the wall and ask for an explanation. Jay feel disappointed on them because they think he betrayed them. Jay finally explain what he was doing with them.

He still has his nightmares. They reconcile once again. When Jay is at the gym, he meets a beautiful blond girl who knows his name although he doesn't know her.

 **Chapter 12:**

Jay take Erin to his favorite spot, a beautiful one. There, after a moment of peacefulness they began to argue about what happened between them. Erin tell him they got caught up while jay doesn't agree and continue to argue. She looks at him confused about why he makes this such a big deal. She doesn't recognize him and ask him who he is at this moment. She kind of rejected him and, very hurt, he leaves her. When they meet again at their hotel room she is so pissed that she tells him a few home truths. He responds to her and sort of call her a whore. She slaps him and make an end to their friendship before leaving him.

 **Chapter 13:**

Henry come to take Jay to the spot where they will do the hit. Henry assured him his informed the team where it was but Jay isn't convinced. When he tries to reach them, henry knock him out. When Erin come back, she understood that something is off. She calls Voight and this latter tries to reach Henry who isn't answering. The team understand he doubled them. Jay is relieving his times in Afghanistan once again like the past few days.

Jay wake up very woozy with a pain at the head. Henry explains himself. This where we first learn about Jay's sister and that she spent a long time to the hospital. Jay threatens Henry that his friends will find them. Henry hit him once again at the head making Jay to pass out. Meanwhile the team search for Jay. It's mouse who has the idea to call on Jay's apple watch. Jay waked up because of the vibrating sense on his wrist. He answers but is enabled to think since his head hurt him pretty much. His very woozy. Henry came up so he hanged up. He's very week and is enabled to see clearly. But the face he sees when he looks beside Henry. He could have never forgot these face: Mark and Logan. He then passed out again.

 **Chapter 14:**

Big part about what happened in Afghanistan. Erin found out where Jay is thanks to her "boyfriend", Kelly, who told her they were on renovation.

Jay sent a message from his watch to Mouse telling him where he is, to not enter and to call the bomb squad and that Mark is alive.

 **Chapter 15:**

Logan and Mark begin to spread the essence everywhere in the casern. Jay watch them disgusted. He can't understand how his once best friends became these murderers.

Meanwhile, the team is outside. They can't enter or Henry would push the button making the casern to explode. Finally, Mark and Logan unlock Jay's handcuffs but ask him to pretend he is still handcuffed. We learn that Carl isn't paralyzed and can walk. His plan is to wait for his helicopter and run away after having put the casern on fire with Jay in it.

When it's the good time, Mark cuts Henry's throat. Carl take his gun and shoot at Mark. While there is no other solution, Logan push the button making the casern to explode. Warning Jay before, they both protect themselves and Mark while Carl is caught off guard.

Jay hit once again his head on the floor.

On the outside, everyone witnesses the explosion. Erin is chocked at first and become hysterical. She cries all of her tears.

At the end, Jay appears with his two friends Mark and Logan

 **Chapter 16:**

Jay has a concussion and is in monitoring assistance. Everyone is in the waiting room, very worried. Allie is blaming Erin.

Voight explain to Erin that this is why he doesn't do in house romance. Because you never have your head straight and that Erin shouldn't have leave Jay alone. Erin finally meet Logan.

 **Chapter 17:**

Jay finally wakes up and Logan joins him. They talk about what happened and catch up a little bit.

Kim's weeding is in less than a month a she needs Erin for her dress.

We finally understand, in jay's flashbacks/nightmares, what's been haunting him for years.

 **Chapter 18**

Jay doesn't feel good in the hospital. So he asks his brother to discharge him. Erin meet him at his place and after a little fight about his irresponsibility about leaving the hospital, she admitted him that he really scared her when the casern exploded.

The next day, jay decided to take a little time off for himself. He needs to fully recover, physically but also mentally. He needs to think about something else for a while. What Carl did to him on his test wreaked his head. All of his nightmares came back, all of his bad memories came back. And he needed to deal with them at the same time which wasn't easy for him.

However, he recommends to Voight Logan to replace him during his time off. Logan is also an ex cop. When he come back to his apartment, Jay breaks up with Allie. He says to her that she needs a better life than this one. He knows she isn't fully happy. She loves him a lot and he is aware of that but she doesn't deserve to take care of him or even to worry about him all the time.

 **Chapter 19:**

After less than a month, Jay finally decide to go out again with his friends: Mouse, Logan and Mark. The beginning of the night goes well. Logan took Jay's place at the intelligence, he is partnering with Erin who is "a real pain in the ass". Mark is working as a bartender at Molly's. Mouse gives Jay news about Allie. She is still at her parent's house. Mouse claims that Allie was ready to fight for him but that Jay wasn't ready to let her in.

Something fells on the ground making Jay to react violently.

Once the episode passed, he goes at the bar alone and Lark Joins him. They talk about his test; Mark tries to comfort him. They finally talk about Jay's sister and Mark advices him to go talk to her.

The night finished herself with a lot of alcohol for everyone. They are all drunk and everyone decide to sleep at Jay's apartment. They laugh a lot and everyone is making jokes.

The next day. Jay drops Logan at the intelligence but he doesn't come up with Logan.

He has somewhere to be. Logan arrives with a hangover and while he's searching for some medicine Erin arrives by behind. Logan finally admitted to her that he spent the night with Mouse, Mark and Jay. She's surprised, even chocked to hear about Jay. She didn't have news for a month form him. Logan tells her to wait and that he will come back. When Erin finally give him so medicine for his hangover, something happens between them, making them to feel very confused and disoriented for a moment.

 **Chapter 20:**

The wedding day!

After Jay dropped Logan at the district, he droved at his sister'. An hour passed since he arrived and decides to come out from his car to finally face her.

She is very upset and mad at him. He didn't call her for 2 years. she was left all alone at the hospital without his brother. The confronts each other and after Jay explained himself, they finally take each other in their arms.

Mouse, Mark, Logan and Jay arrive late at the weeding, making a remarkable entrance.

While the three other took a seat, Jay walks toward Ruzek and positioned himself near him while he is the witness. He finally laid his eyes on his beautiful partner. He can't take is eyes of her and same for her.

Once the vows are exchanged and that the ceremony comes to an end, everyone split up in the room. Logan slightly flirt with Erin while Jay's walks out and admire the beautiful night. Erin soon follows hims and... there it is, the reunion they both waited for a long time.


	22. Chapter 21

**Hey guys. Here is the new chapter! hope you'll like it. I think you'll like it! Please don't forget to review. It keeps me writing.**

The two of them stayed there, looking at each other with their burning eyes. It's been so long since they didn't see each other that they wanted to take the most of it. Jay didn't know what to say so he kept his mouth shut instead of saying something foolish. As for Erin… she had so many things to say to him, to ask him. But she assumed that she shouldn't overwhelm him with annoying questions. So she decided to go easy on him.

"it's been a while since we last spoken huh?" she finally admitted.

"I know… I'm sorry. I just…" he looked down "you know…".

"Yeah…" she breathed out. She was still looking at him even if he wasn't. "Come on Jay, look at me. We've passed that."

So he slightly looked up, no missing an inch of her body in his way. First her beautiful legs than her splendid gold dress to finally reach her face, her mouth, her nose, her eyes…

"so… how are you?" she asked him.

He took a moment before responding. He didn't know what to answer. Was he fine?

Maybe … yeah, he finally saw his sister again after a long time, he started to go out again with his friends who were there for him, taking his mind off…

But on the other hand, his nightmares were persisting and he only slept once in a while.

Not knowing what to respond, he decided to go with a vaguely answer, hoping she would go with it.

"I guess I'm still figuring that out…" he smiled at her. She smiled back with a small one. She would anything to know what was happening in his mind and help him. But he wouldn't let her in and she respected that.

"you do know that I'm here for you, right?"

He nodded in agreement. There was a long and awkward silence between them. They were like two children. It's been so long since they didn't spoke.

"Isn't Severide with you?" Jay finally asked.

She wasn't expecting these kind of question coming from him. She was a little surprised at first by the sudden of this one. But she estimated she owed him the truth.

"We… um…" she shook her head. Jay was looking at her with questioning eyes. "I told him about us…" she slightly titled her head on the side.

Jay's eyes went wide. He was imagining that this would be the reason of why she came alone.

"Oh…" was all he said in respond. He didn't know what else to say. He felt a little bit guilty that they broke up but another part felt so overjoyed.

"yeah" she murmured looking down.

"I'm sorry" he claimed.

"Don't be… it was my fault"

"I'm pretty sure I'm the reason you two broke up too."

"Anyway… It's okay."

"you're sure?"

"yeah!" she replied.

He was looking at her so intensely that it made her uncomfortable. Her heart was pounding so hard that she was afraid he would notice it.

He stepped carefully toward her while she was looking at him confused.

"So…" she said nervously. "What did you do since you left?"

"nothing special…"

He was getting closer to her, still peering at her.

"I heard the four of you had been pretty busy the last few days… Logan came back several times with a hangover." She paused while he was still getting closer. "not very professional" she breathed out.

"I'm sorry… I'll make sure that doesn't happen anymore" he smiled.

"yeah" she chuckled nervously without taking her eyes off of him.

He was moving closer, step by step. But it wasn't intentionally. He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't have the control of his legs anymore. It's was like he was attracted to her. He couldn't stop. His eyes were locked with her and it was like nothing could come across them. She felt more and more nervous and agitated.

Their body were now touching. Erin felt shivers go down her neck and momentarily lost her breath as he leant toward her, putting his hand on her cheeks. He looked down at her taking in the beauty of her slightly smudged lipstick before going in to kiss her. But in his way, she put a hand on his chest and turned her head on the right.

"No jay…". She stepped back while he withdrew his hand from her cheek. "I'm sorry… but I can't. We can't" she looked at him with sad eyes.

He stepped back as he understood she just rejected him, once again.

"because of Voight right?" he asked annoyed.

"Yes because of Voight!" she replied like it was an evidence.

"of course" he let out a little laugh, breaking their eyes contact. Voight's always been the problem in their relationship.

"And he's right" she added making him to look back at her. "the last time we argued about this I ran away and you almost died. And I never want to relive what I felt at this moment, ever."

"But I'm still alive!" he placed both of his hands on her cheeks. "Fell that? I'm right here Erin"

She put her hands on Jay's wrist and took off his hands from her cheeks. "No Jay! You don't understand. This cannot happen again. It was a mistake okay? And you almost pay the price of my mistake"

"Erin I'm not working with you anymore"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not! If this means that I can be with you than I'm not."

"Yes you are Jay! One day you'll come back to us! And I hope you will. Because you are one of the greatest cope I know. You are tough and intelligent and good at what you are doing. You have everything for yourself to succeed in your job. And I don't want to be the one who take you that away."

Jay exhaled deeply and turned around. He was now facing the pond, his hands on his pocket. Erin stepped forward, facing Jay's back. She had sad eyes and she was as heartbroken as he was. But she didn't have the choice.

"Jay look at me."

He didn't respond or even move. He just closed his eyes in exhaustion. Maybe she was right. Maybe he needed to take his shit together and come back to work. Act like nothing happened between them and move on with his life.

"Jay" she put her hands on his back.

So he instantly turned around, put back his hands on her cheeks and kissed her without asking her permission.

She let out a huge sigh into his mouth in chock while her shoulders raised.

The moment she realized what was happening she closed her eyes and reciprocate his kiss. She understood that, this kiss may be their last, so she decided to make the most of it. She slammed him against the tree beside them so that no one could see them. Especially not Voight. Jay's right hand ran through her wonderful hair to the nape of her neck while his left hand slid all along her body to reach her necked lower back. He gripped it and pulled her closer if this was even possible. It was a passionate kiss reflecting the alchemy between the two of them. Their tongues were darting between each other, like an incredibly synchronized dance. Jay being the one with the back against the tree and Erin being the one on him, Jay decide to change of position. In one fast movement, Erin was now against the tree. She then put her hands on his waist, grabbed the material of his shirt and pulled him closer.

After a moment the kiss became softer and gentler. Jay's hands ran back to her cheeks while Erin's staid on his chest. Jay delicately pulled away, his eyes still closed just like Erin's. Their foreheads were leaning on each other while the two of them were taking back their breath. None of them wanted this moment to end. Erin slightly opened her eyes, looking down at Jay's mouth. As for Jay, he still had his eyes closed. He didn't want to open them because it would mean the end of their moment. Their foreheads were still touching and Jay's hands were still on Erin's cheeks. Erin's muscles loosened with each breath she was taking. Her heart was beating so fast…Her eyes were still resting on his mouth and was thinking about nothing but him.

They stayed like that for a moment, breathing heavily.

All Jay wanted to do was going back for another round but he estimated that it would get harder to let go of her.

So he stepped back and walked away, without looking back and leaving Erin alone. Erin raised her hand and placed it on her forehead to process what just happened. She looked around her, completely disoriented and confused.

Jay had already returned to the reception also very perturbed by what just happened. People were talking to him but he couldn't tell what they were saying. His mind was elsewhere. Erin slowly joined back the reception as well. She was still a little bit short of breath. Over there, Kim quickly meet her.

"Where were you? I've been searching you for an hour"

"I, um… was just…" she looked back.

"never mind… You need to meet my sister." She took Erin by the arm and dragged her over the bar. In her way, Erin took a glass of champagne and drink it in one gulp. She needed it to if she wanted to go on with the reception.

They stopped in front a beautiful blond woman. Erin had to say, Kim's sister was really gorgeous.

"Jo, meet Erin. Erin this my little sister Jo!"

"Nice to meet you Erin. I heard great things about you!" Jo said with a big smile.

"I heard great things about you too! Really, Kim talks about you all the time"

Adam came behind Kim and wrapped his arms around his new wife. "Can I borrow her for a minute ladies?"

"sure" Jo and Erin replied. The two married walk away, leaving Jo and Erin at the bar.

"tell me he's a good guy…" Jo asked Erin while the two of them looked at Kim and Adam. Jo doesn't see her sister very often. When Kim called her to tell her she was getting married, Jo was really happy for her. But she was also a little worried since she didn't know the guy.

"He is! Trust me."

Jo and Erin continued to talk all night but this time they were outside, on the terrace. It was getting very hot inside. Jo is a lawyer since a short time. She moved in Chicago after she finished her studies in law. She has a lot of work; this is why she doesn't see her sister a lot. It's a very competitive job in which you need to be the best. She was staying at the hotel the time she finds an apartment.

When the night came to an end, Logan, Mark, Mouse and Jay decided to say goodbye to the bride and groom. In their way out, Logan noticed Erin talking to another woman. So he stepped forward to say a quick goodbye to her. Mark and Mouse followed him. Jay was a little hesitant but decided to come anyway.

"Hey Erin we're leaving…" he said softly. "you want us to drop you home?" Erin looked at him and noticed Jay was coming closer as well as his friends.

"No I'm fine don't worry" she said looking back at Logan.

"Okay." He gently kissed her in the cheek and left.

"Have fun Erin!" Mark said with a smile and quickly salute Jo.

"goodbye Mark." She replied.

Mouse smiled at the two girl as well as he left her.

It was now at Jay's turn to say goodbye. He couldn't pretend he didn't saw her and couldn't not say goodbye. It would be rude and the boys would raise question he doesn't want to answer.

Erin was looking at him unaware of what he was gonna do.

"goodnight Erin" was all he said with a small smile.

"Goodnight Jay" she replied looking at him with soulful eyes.

Then Jay turned to the other girl. He stopped in front of her a little bit confused. Her face was definitely telling him something but he can't remember where he saw her.

"Do I know you?" he asked frowning his eyebrows in perplexity.

"Hello Jay!" she smiled.

Here. He recognize her smile. His face enlightened and a smile appears "the stranger girl from the fitness center."

"I have a name you know" she let out a little giggle.

"Well you never told me what it was" he smiled.

"True." she admitted smiling as well. "I'm Jo! Kim's sister" she raised her hand.

"Nice to finally meet you Jo" he shook her hand.

Erin who was looking at them talking was a little confused. "Do you know each other"

The two of them broke their glance and looked back at Erin. "oh yeah… I accidently bumped into Jay when we were at the fitness center, some time ago." She looked back at Jay.

"the fitness center from the hotel… you know..." he clarified to Erin. This latter nodded.

"So you two are together?" Jo asked. She could see the frustration between them and from what she heard, they were together on the hotel.

"Huh?" they both asked. "Oh no we aren't…" Erin began to say "together" Jay finished her sentence. "we are partner in crimes" he notified.

They were both really weird. Jo laughed a little bit and nodded. "Okay! Well have a goodnight Jay" she said.

Jay smiled at her and then left. Again on his way out, he caught Voight from his eyes. So he headed toward him and talked to him. Erin couldn't say what they were saying to each other. All she could see was that it was Jay who was majorly talking and Voight who was listening. She was afraid Jay would do something stupid and would tell everything to Voight about the two of them. After a moment, Voight raised his hand and shook Jay's hand.

What the hell was happening?

Her heart began to beat very fast again. Then he stepped back and ran to catch up his friends who were heading toward their beautiful red convertible car. Erin and Jo watched them jumping above the door's car.

"are they always together?" she asked to Erin, still looking at the four men. Jo noticed they were always remaining the four of them: When they arrived at the ceremony, during the reception and they were leaving together.

"Always… the four best friends." She smiled.

"well… they are quite handsome together" Jo admitted.

Erin didn't respond. She was still a little perturbed about this night. First her moment with Jay, then, Voight shaking Jay's hand. As for Voight, she caught him looking at her. And she couldn't read his face. Voight was really good at destabilizing people just with his look.

Did Jay told him something about the two of them? Now she was sure. But she decided she would talk to Voight tomorrow at work.

The next day, she arrived at work like everyone else. She walked up the stairs with her cup of coffee she bought in her way. She drank a little too much of champagne last night. Indeed, she was apprehending her confrontation with Voight. She knew she had to talk to Voight since he couldn't stop peeking at her last night.

She had her sunglasses on her, her head down. She didn't want anybody to see how horrible she was today.

Everybody was already here. Everybody except Voight. She knew he couldn't be very far. So she sat at her desk and massage her temple with her fingers.

"Good morning Gorgeous" Logan said to her while he was walking toward her.

"It was since now!" she replied. Logan knew she was teasing him.

"Scoop of the day! One of the patrolman from downstairs told me that he had to take you home since you were too drunk to take your car last night. Oh and that you vomit all over his shoes…" Logan said out loud so he could be sure everyone would hear him.

Erin looked up at him and clenched her jaw. She was looking at him with burning eyes.

"you didn't…" she couldn't believe that he would told that in front of everyone.

Erin and Logan entertained themselves at teasing each other and counting every points they won.

"14 points to 6" Antonio coughed. Logan looked at Antonio with a satisfied look and a big smile then looked back at Erin.

Erin had 14 points while Logan was at 6 points. She was a very good adversary but he didn't want to give up.

"Okay to begin with, I didn't vomit yesterday. You just made up the last part. This is why I have a hangover."

Everyone laughed discretely at his "scoop", not wanting to have any problem with Erin. Logan was very brave to tease her when she wasn't in a mood. He had a big smile on his face which Erin wanted to remove it as fast as possible. She just waited the good time.

"you know I have a really good cure for hangover…" he smiled devilishly. Jay gave it to him when he had the hangover. "It's a greasy pork sandwich served up on a dirty ashtray". He wanted to won one more point for the day.

"Doesn't work with me… So go bother someone else Logan!" she said annoyed.

"Like Bob…" she said as she looked up at Logan with a smile.

Logan's smile fell and became red with shame.

Jay, Mouse and Mark heard him talking about how he called his genital organ while he was sleeping. And its Bob who came out from his mouth.

Mark was the one who told Erin while they were at Molly's. Erin never had the chance to tease Logan about that. And this was the best opportunity she had. She couldn't not do it. Everybody in the room heard what Erin said and all laughed. Of course they were all aware of what she was referring to. So Logan fake a laugh and quickly removed it.

"I'm not done with you. You're not gonna get away with that" he said to her. While she was laughing he came back to his desk.

"15 points to 6" she added.

5 minutes later, Voight walked up the stairs and behind him… Jay. everyone looked at each other a little bit confused. The silence invaded the room. Voight was heading to his office while Jay was following him. Erin looked at Voight walking past her then looked at Jay. The two of them exchanged a glance before Jay broke it and enter in Voight's office. This latter closed his door and Jay sat in front of Voight's desk.

Erin looked around with questioning eyes.

"Look who is coming back to us" Antonio said smiling. Erin looked from Antonio to Logan.

Does that mean that Logan has to leave the intelligence? She didn't know what to think. She really liked Logan. And even if they were teasing each other all the time, he was a good cop and a good partner. Of course she wanted Jay back. More than everything.

30 minutes later, Jay opened the door of Voight's office. He had his badge back on him and was starting now.

Once he was out of Voight's office, he hugged everyone. Antonio, Ruzek, Atwater, Olinsky. But there were two people missing. Erin and Logan. He looked around and found them at the break room laughing. Erin was laughing at a story Logan was telling her about a girl he talked to last night and how boring she was.

"I swear to God; she didn't want to let go off me…" he said.

"Stop flattering yourself. You are not that handsome…" she said nonchalant as she took a sip of her coffee.

"Ouch…" he said. "Come on I know you like me deep down" he looked at her with his seductive eyes he likes to do.

"not even an inch" she looked deep in his eyes to make a point that she isn't perturbed by his look.

He let out a laugh and tooke a sip of his coffee.

Jay arrived by behind. He opened the door of the break room and looked at the both of them. He didn't say anything, and he didn't have to. Logan stepped forward and put him in a hug.

"I'm glad you're back man!"

Logan didn't know what was gonna happen to him now. Is Voight gonna ask him to leave? Is he gonna transfer him to another district?

"Voight's waiting for you in his office" jay announced him. Jay winked at him as to say don't worry and Logan nodded. He walked out from the break room and entered Voight's office. Jay looked at him leave and looked back at Erin.

There was an awkward silence between them but they didn't care. While Jay was looking at Erin this latter had unprofessional thoughts. She had flashbacks about their kiss last night. She could still feel Jay's tongue in her mouth. God she needed to take her shit together. She quickly shook off these thoughts out of her mind and looked up at Jay.

"This is gonna work, right? Us… working together" Jay asked.

Honestly, she didn't know. but she estimated that the best way to make it work was that they needed to believe in it.

"Of course!" she said like it was an evidence.

When she was acting like that it was pissing Jay off. She was really good at hiding the chemistry between them and act like nothing happened.


	23. Chapter 22

**Here is the new chapter. Hope you'll like it. If there is something you want to say about this story, please review. If you have any disappointment about how it goes you can review it or send me in PM. And I would like to thank all of you to keep following my story and to the ones who send me PM about how they love this story. I really love writing it. I can't wait to watch the season premiere!**

"you wanted to see me serg?" Logan asked as he entered Voight's office.

"yeah come sit down!" Voight pointed the free chair in front of him.

They stood in silence in front of each other for a moment before Logan began to speak.

"Look if this is about Jay coming back I understand! The deal was that I'd replace him for a while and then I'd leave". Voight listened to him explaining himself.

"You're a good cop" he began to say. "and I need you in my unit."

Logan looked at him confused.

"I don't understand… does that mean I'm staying" he asked while a smile appeared on his face.

"yes. You'll keep partnering with Lindsay. I'll find someone else for Halstead."

"Well, Lindsay was Jay's partner before I was… I heard they were forming a good partnership…" Logan claimed.

Voight didn't respond. He was looking at Logan with eyes saying _don't question my decisions._

"I mean I'm fine with that too" Logan added a little bit uncomfortable by Voight's look.

"You can go" Voight waved his hand as to allow to leave.

"Thanks serg!" Logan stood up and walked out from Voight's office.

After he closed the door behind him and turned around, everyone looked at him with questioning eyes.

"So?" Antonio asked "are you staying"

Logan looked at everyone but kept his mouth shut for a few seconds. They were standing in front of him in silence, irritating by Logan's silence.

"Just answer the damn question" Erin said getting impatient.

"15 points to 7! You're stuck with me for a long long time" he replied with a smirk.

Erin's face enlightened like everyone else in the room.

"told you everything was gonna be fine" she put him in a hug and stepped back to let the others congratulating him.

"I'm glad you're staying man!" Jay claimed before putting him in a hug as well. At this moment, Voight came out from his office and looked at everyone being delighted about the news.

"So as you already know, Logan's staying in the intelligence. So some partnerships are gonna change a little!" he looked at everyone and stopped at Jay. "Jay?"

Jay looked up at him as he heard his name.

"Hm?"

"You're going with Ruzek, Antonio you're going with Atwater, Erin you're staying with Logan and Al, you're with me"

Everyone looked at their new partner. Some of them didn't care, others were a little disappointed. Erin and Jay glanced at each ocher with a sad smile on their face. They knew Voight deliberately separate them. He was so mad that they screwed up their last mission. Because of their personal problems, Jay almost died. He didn't want this to happen ever again. He just hoped it would be different with Logan and Erin. It was kind of a test for the two of them. Every one went back at their seat. Jay took back his old desk while Logan was put on another desk they installed for him.

In the middle of the day, Mouse got a called. He frowned his eyebrows, quickly looked around, to make sure no one could see who was calling him, especially Jay. So he got up and changed of room. He was on the phone for what seemed like 10 minutes. Jay looked at him confused. When Mouse came back, he quickly glanced at jay then headed toward Voight's office, waited his permission to enter and closed the door behind him. He stayed there for like 20 minutes before going back to his desk a little bit perturbed.

Today was a boring one. The few leads of their new case were leading them nowhere. It was a lost of time. 8pm passed, Antonio got up, annoyed with this case that were making them crazy due to the lack of proves.

"Who's up for Molly's"

"definitely" Erin got up as well, followed by the others.

Jay got up as well, tidied up his desk, adjusted his chair under his desk and walked toward Mouse who was texting something to his phone.

"You're coming?!" he asked. Everyone was waiting for him to get up.

"huh?" he looked up. "Oh no you guys go I'll join you later…" he was acting a little bit weird and wasn't looking Jay on the eyes.

So while everyone nodded and was heading toward the stairs, Jay leant over Mouse desk. He knew something was off with his friend. He knew him to well and wanted to know what was in the mind of his.

"What's up man?!" he asked

"Nothing… I just need to meet someone."

"You have a date?" Jay asked smirking.

"No I don't" he smiled back. "Don't worry I'll join you in one moment."

"Okay!" Jay didn't want to dig anymore longer. He thought that if Mouse didn't want to speak to him it was his choice. He just hoped it wasn't something serious.

When they all arrived at Molly's, they were very glad to have their night for themselves. Mark and Gabby were the one working behind the bar to night.

It's been a while since Jay came here. And sincerely, it was so good to be back. The good ambiance was still here. It was very loud in there but he liked it. It was animated. Everyone was laughing, drinking, dancing.

While Jay was looking around, the others, who were used to this atmosphere, directly went to the bar ordering some drinks. Jay said hello to a few friends he didn't saw since a long time. He talked to them for an instant then decided to join his friends from 21. But before that, he had to stop at the bar to see Mark and Gabby.

"Look who is there!" Gabby yelled full of joy. She bypassed her bar and ran toward Jay. Jay opened his arms to welcome her in them. She jumped and hugged him thigh. He turned around with her, both laughing. Maybe she was a little drunk. But she didn't care. She really missed him. She heard what happened to him and she felt so sorry for him. He deserved so much better than this life.

"God I missed you so much" she buried her head into his neck.

"Missed you to!" he smiled. After a moment he put her down.

"come on! Next round is on me!" she came back behind the bar while Jay give Mark a high five. Gabby poured Jay, her and Mark shots and before they all cheered.

"Youhouuu" Jay shook his head as the liquor burned his throat. "It's good to be back" he laughed.

The night began pretty good. Jay spent the most of it with Gabby and Mark who explained him how exquisite last night was, between the man who was drinking in hopes to drown his sorrows and the other man who tried to flirt with Mark…

Jay made a face when he heard the final part and looked at Mark with a worried.

"Shut up!" Mark said to him with threatening eyes.

"Okay!" Jay laughed waving his hands in surrounding.

After a moment, Mouse arrived at the bar and a little bit more relaxed than earlier. He put his hands on the bar and ordered Mark a drink.

"You okay buddy?" Mark asked as he poured him a drink.

"More than fine! So? Are we gonna drink to Jay's come back?" he asked cheerfully.

The three of them raised their shot before gulping it and putting it down. It was getting late and Jay had to be on the top of his form for the next day. So he decided to call it off. He said goodbye to Mark, Mouse and gabby. Then he headed toward the table were Antonio, Atwater, Ruzek, Logan and Erin were sitting. He arrived behind Logan and placed both of his hands on Logan's shoulders before squeezing them. He said goodbye to everyone at the table before leaving a big kiss on Logan's right cheek making everyone to chuckle.

"goodnight honey!" he said before leaving them.

"you're disgusting" Logan yelled at him as he wiped his cheeks with his sleeve.

Once he was out, the cold wind hit his face. He took a deep breath of fresh air and began to walk.

He hasn't done a few steps that he heard from behind someone calling his name.

"Hey Jay!" it was a very menacing voice.

He already heard this voice but was maybe a little to drunk to remember which one it was. So he looked back and saw Severide walking forward. He wasn't sober either. Severide saw Jay coming earlier into the bar but decided to wait for Jay to leave so he could have a confrontation with him. Even if was mad at Erin, he didn't want to make a scene in front of every one because this could jeopardize her job. And he didn't want that. So he waited for Jay to leave.

"Oh man…" Jay murmured to himself. He wasn't in a mood to confront Erin's ex-boyfriend. But this latter didn't give him the choice. He moved fast toward him and punched him on the face. Jay loosed his balance and fell on the ground. He got up but didn't want, even so, to fight with him.

"How does it feel huh?" Severide asked him furiously.

"Okay maybe I deserved it but…" he didn't have time to finish is sentence that Severide punched him a second time. So jay got up full of rage.

"Come on! Is that all you've got?" he continued.

"Man I swear to god I'm not in the mood to fight! So get over yourself!".

Just when Severide was about to punch him again, Jay dodged it on the left and took the opportunity to punch him on the stomach.

Mark, who was behind the bar laughing with Mouse, caught two people fighting outside. He frowned his eyebrows in confusion for a moment before realizing it was Jay and Severide.

"Jay!" he yelled as he put down his bottle and jumped over the bar to ran outside.

Gabby looked at his directions and understood as well what was happening. "Oh my god" before following Mark, just like Mouse.

Some of the people looked through the window to watch what was happening. Erin, who were sitting at the table with everyone else, turned around. She didn't follow what happened but she could see a crowd outside. She began to walk toward the window in curiosity, then her eyes went wide as she saw Jay and Severide being separate by Gabby, Mouse and Mark. She quickly ran out of the bar to join the group, soon followed by Logan. Jay was full of rage while Severide had threatening eyes. The two of them were trying to get ride from the hold of their friends to keep fighting.

"Come on" Jay was yelling at him.

"I swear to god I'm not done with you" Severide yelled back

"What are you waiting for"

"just wait for me to kick your ass"

"Come on! Get over here!" Jay yelled louder.

The other, who were trying to separate them were also yelling at each other, ordering the two enemies to stop. Mark was trying his best to protect his friends from Severide and at the same time to control him and calm him down. But it was in vain. Both of Severide and Halstead drank a little too much to have their head straight.

"JAY!" Erin yelled as she ran toward him. "Stop!" she placed herself in front of him and tried to catch his eyes. But his eyes were focused on his rival. She tried as well to calm him down but she had no control over him or on Severide. She turned around to look at Severide who was hold by Mouse and another guy.

"take him out of here" she asked them. So they did their best to push him away with the help of other people. She turned back her attention on Jay who was held by Mark and Gabby.

"Hey hey, hey!" Logan came and faced Severide. He put one hand on Severide chest to make him step back "What do you think you're doing here? This is so not the place or the time to do this!"

But Severide wasn't listening to him. He could hear him but decided not to listen to him. The alcohol was taking control of all of his body. He was agitated and violent. Logan didn't know him very well and didn't know the cause of his angriness but he decided help him anyway.

He's already been in this situation and he was glad that when he was, some friends were here to help him to calm him.

"Please Jay look at me, look at me. It's okay. He's gone" Gabby tried to catch his attention.

But he couldn't regain his serenity. He wanted to but Severide pushed him over the edge. He was straight, tensed, his fist contracted and his jaw clenched. Erin tried to control him by holding his wrist down.

But his eyes were still focused on Severide. So Erin had no solution but to slap him on the face to make him come back to her.

"Jay!" she yelled at him.

This is when he broke his glare and looked at Erin.

"Calm down!" she said bluntly.

He took a deep breath and loosened up. Mark and Gabby steeped back a little bit, letting Erin take care of the situation. Of course they knew what was the reason of this situation. They were both very close friends of Jay and even if this latter never told them about Erin, they pretty much guessed it.

Gabby decided to join Severide. Because, even if he was the one starting the fight, he was his best friend as well and she knew how heartbroken he was. All of this situation was very difficult to handle. And Erin was in the worst position. Because she is the one who broke both their heart.

"Come on! I'll drive you home" she said to him.

"It's okay, I'm fine" he coldly replied. He was still a little bit on the edge.

"Jay!" Erin looked at him with eyes that were saying _don't argue with me right now._

So he nodded. She put a hand on his back and walked with him toward her car.

The ride was silent. Erin tried to keep her eyes on the road not willing to look at Jay. She knew that this was all of her fault. She hasn't been honest to both of them.

She sometimes peeked at him. She wanted to talk to him but in the same time she didn't know what she could say she hasn't already said. That she is sorry about this situation? She already did…several times. That everything will be fine between them? Already did it.

As for Jay, he didn't want to talk. He was studiously staring out the window. His jaw was hurting him and he was pretty sure he had some blood running out from his cheek. Severide hit him pretty bad. Even if he was sure he injured him too, Jay wasn't pleased at how this night ended. He had a pretty good time at Molly's before this 'incident'. He wanted to go home with this good memory. But unfortunately, he's coming back with a cut on his cheek and is pretty sure that tomorrow he will wake up with a black eye.

He could sense Erin glancing at him. He knew she was feeling so guilty about tonight. But he knew that Severide's behavior wasn't her fault. And Jay had no one to blame but himself. He could understand why Severide did that. He would have done the same thing in his position.

Anyway, he didn't want to talk, even if it was to comfort her.

Once the car stopped, Jay got out from his trance and realized they just arrived in front of his place. He stepped out from the car, not looking back. Erin looked at him leave and quickly unlocked her belt to finally get out as well. She didn't want this night to end like that. Not without having an explication.

The moment they reach his floor and walked toward his front door, they noticed it was slightly opened. Jay frowned in confusion and delicately pushed his door to see an incredible mess.

"What the…"

He quickly grabbed his gun as well as Erin and entered his burgled apartment.

The one who did that didn't burgle the expansive stuffs but every Jay's paperwork were on the floor.

The responsible were searching for something, some information.

Once Jay and Erin cleared the area they meet each other on the living room. Jay looked chocked and disoriented.

As for Erin, she was looking around. She was also confused about what was all that about. Was Jay in danger? Who was behind this?

"Jay, are you in some of trouble?"

Jay turned around to face her.

"What? No! I don't know what the hell happened."

"Why did they search for these documents?"

"I don't know!" He took papers on the floor and rapidly looked at them. They weren't important, so he concluded that they already took the important ones.

"Is someone after you?!"

"I don't know!" he looked up and continue to search other papers on the floor.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know!" he dropped the papers on the coffee table.

"So your apartment is burgled and you have no idea of why?!"

"Exactly" he walked past her and headed toward the kitchen to take some ice for his eye.

He wasn't in a mood of thinking about who can be behind all of this. For now, all he wanted do is sleep.

Erin delicately walked toward him, in the kitchen. She leant herself on the door-frame and looked at him. She knew Jay wasn't in a mood to resolve anything tonight. So she dropped the case. She watched him sitting on his kitchen chair with a cold bag on his face. On the other side he had another injury but it required more than just some glace. He need to disinfect the cut.

"Here let me help you!" she pushed her shoulder off of the door-frame and made her way to the cup board where he was ranging his first aid kit. She took cottons and some sticking plaster. But there wasn't any disinfectant. So in another cupboard she took the first alcohol in front of her.

She placed all of it on the table. She sprinkled some alcohol in a cotton and took Jay's face in her left hand. With her right hand she cleaned the cut. Jay didn't even wince at the touch of the cotton on his cheek. To tell the truth he handled so much worst in his life than just a little cut. Still, Erin was overwhelmed with guilt. She wasn't even looking at him in the eyes. She was fully focus on the area to clean.

"I'm so sorry…" she said with a raspy voice.

"This isn't your fault Erin…" he looked up to meet her sad eyes.

Once she finished to disinfect the cut, she took a sticking plaster and stuck it on his cheek.

"Here…" she claimed before throwing the cotton on the trash. While she was putting back the bottle of alcohol jay got up.

"Thanks"

Erin could feel him just behind her back. She delicately turned around and there he was, a few centimeters from her. She leant her back against the counter and put her hands on it.

Jay was peering at her with his beady eyes. She hated when he was doing this. He knew exactly what these eyes were doing to her. She exhaled deeply, trapped into his eyes.

He couldn't keep looking at her like that, it wasn't helping her.

"Please stop look at me like that." She asked him.

"I which I could"

He couldn't handle himself. The attraction he was feeling for her was increasing each day. And it's not because they decided to distance themselves that it goes away. He couldn't just snap his fingers so that everything would go away.

"Well that's not my problem. Just stop looking at me like that okay? It's perturbing and it doesn't help Jay!" she pushed him away and walked out from the kitchen. He followed her to the living room.

"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't prefer to focus on the job and act like there is nothing between us?!"

She stopped. And he was now facing her back. There were hanging there in silence before he continued.  
He put his hand on the wall to lean himself and hanged his head in exhaustion.

She turned around to face him. But she didn't say anything.

"it's not gonna work Erin… you and me" he claimed as he straightened.

"Jay you have to make it work. I try… I really try to make it work on my part. I just need you to try a little bit harder… I mean, there has to be a way. We're clearly attracted to each other but there is nothing more right?!"

Jay just nodded.

"Okay…" she looked around "I'm gonna leave you here… Are you sure you don't need help with all of this mess?" she looked back at him. He shook his head as he looked at his apartment.

"No don't worry. I'll take care of it…"

So she made her way through the front door. Jay followed her with his eyes and smiled at her before she left.


	24. Chapter 23

**Hi everyone. I know I know I didn't write for a long time but it was very difficult since I had a lot of exam. I'm trying my best to keep this story update. So here is the new chapter. A big and significative one. This is so not the end of Jay nightmare. There is a lot of things coming for our personage. Please review to tell me what you thought about it. I did't read the chapter over so there might be some mistake, not sure. Sorry...**

A month passed since the last event. Jay came back to the intelligence and slowly took back his habits. They just closed a new case.

He was now partnering with Ruzek and even if it wasn't the same than with Erin, he was fine with it.

Ruzek was full of joy, his marriage was working perfectly. He was so happy to work with Jay. Jay's always been an example for Ruzek since this latter entered the intelligence.

Logan has been pretty good welcomed in this unit and quickly found his bearing. He was a cop before he enlisted to the war so he's pretty good on what he's doing.

Voight, well Voight is still the same man he was 2 months ago. A leader, a good and at the same time dirty cop. He always finds a way so that everyone goes home after work, safe and sound. He puts justice before anything else, he put his family before anything else and he is, of course, proud of his unit.

Al, Antonio and Atwater were still the same as well. Good cops, good men, good family.

Erin… well, Jay let her go. This is what she wanted. She needed him to let her go or she would never let him go. It was hard for Jay at the beginning. Then he found something to distract him from her. He was regularly going to the box or the gym to appease his frustration.

He also distanced himself from her. And even if it broke his heart, he thought this was the best solution. That doesn't mean he stopped talking to her. They were still friends but Jay always put boundaries to their friendship.

For Erin, it was as difficult as Jay. She didn't expect that they would be at the same time so close and so distant from one to other. They weren't partner anymore, so they spent less time together, and even off the clock, they never find time to speak to each other. When Erin tried to propose him a beer at Molly's, he always declined, asserting that he had something to do. Most of the time was true. But Erin knew that the other times he declined even if he could. Plus, since his fight with Severide, he didn't want to see him any time soon or he would continue what Severide began.

And it would be hypocrite of her to not understand it. So she let go.

However, there was still these glance at each other that weren't unnoticed.

Mouse, well… he was acting very strangely lately and it was concerning Jay a lot.

He noticed something was off with him the night he fought with Severide. Mouse received calls from who knows and won't talk to say. Jay tried several times to get some information but Mouse just kept pretending every thing was right. Jay felt like mouse was protecting him from something or hiding something from him so he wouldn't be upset.

So Jay figured that if Mouse didn't want to tell him, maybe Voight would. He saw the two men talked after Mouse received a call and concluded that Voight would definitely know something.

So he got up from his chair and walked toward Voight's office. He knocked and waited for Voight to make a sign so he could enter.

He stepped in Voight's office, closed the door and turned around to face Voight.

He was gonna be straight with Voight.

"What can I do for you Halstead?"

"What's the deal with Mouse?"

"Excuse me?"

"I know something is off with him and I know you know something. What it is?"

"There is nothing goin…"

"Don't lie to me Serg" Jay cut him off and looked at him with a serious look.

So Voight got up, walked toward Jay and stopped at few centimeters from him.

"I told you there is nothing going on with Mouse." he replied coldly with his destabilizing glare. But Jay wasn't a fool. He knew Voight was lying to him and he wasn't destabilized at all. He kept looking at him straight in the eyes.

"If my friend is in trouble I want to be informed."

"Go back to your work detective." Voight said.

"Serg…"

"Go back to work Halstead. Now!" Voight walked toward the front door, opened it and waited for Jay to get out.

So Jay clenched his jaw, turned around and stepped out from his office. He went back to his desk while Voight throw a look at Mouse. This latter noticed it and figured he would go talk to Voight later or it would have been to suspicious. He understood Jay was in there to ask about him. But he couldn't tell him because he promised not to.

The unit's phone ring made him come back from his trance. It was Atwater who answered it. He wrote something on a post-it and looked very concerned. After a moment he hanged up and looked up at his unit.

"Guys we have a situation!" he said as he got up.

Everyone looked at him with questioning eyes.

"What is it Atwater?" Voight asked, leant on his door-frame.

"There has been a fire in a building... and… um…"

"Atwater spill it up!" Olinsky replied.

"They found a dog tag… Carl's one"

Every one thought they heard wrong. They looked at each other, enabled to move.

"What did you say?" Jay asked him.

"I…" Atwater didn't know what to say. He was looking at everyone.

Mouse who was sitting not far from him got up and took his post-it from Atwater's hold.

He instantly lost his breath. He looked up to meet Jay's eyes.

"It's your address"

Voight pushed her shoulder off of the door-frame and made his way toward Mouse.

"What the…"

Jay didn't wait any longer. He made his way toward the stairs and ran fast down a flight of stairs.

"Jay wait" Logan yelled as he followed him just like the other members of the unit except for Mouse who stayed to watch every cameras video from Jay's building area.

While Jay climbed on his motorbike, everyone else took their car. The ride seemed like an eternity for Jay. When he reached the bottom of his street, he could see ambulances and

fire trucks. When he looked up, he was looking at his building, damaged.

He stopped, got off of his motorbike and ran toward the firemen with worry eyes. Casey was the first fireman he found.

"What happened?" he asked breathless due to his anxiety.

"Your apartment has been burned out." Matt replied.

"Any victims?" he looked around and saw several people from his building on the ground being treated and other being covered with a white sheet.

Matt put a hand on his shoulders and Jay instantly closed his eyes.

"We found this in your apartment." Matt handed him Carl's dog tag. Jay opened his hand and waited for Casey to put it down in it. Once he did, Jay looked very carefully at it. Then he gripped it tight, looking back at the dead bodies.

This, again, was all of his fault. He didn't know who was behind this but he was sure it couldn't be Carl or Henry. They were dead. They were fucking dead. He couldn't understand any of it. First his apartment has been burglarized and now he's been burned out. Who were these people.

The rest of the team arrived on the crime scene a few minutes later and were looking all around them, at all of the people resting on the ground, all of the firemen running in every way.

Logan caught Jay being kneeled down in front of a body, covering his head by a white sheet. He waited a moment before getting up. He looked up to meet Logan's eyes. This latter was ready to join Jay but Jay shook his head. He wanted to be alone.

Erin made her way toward Logan and stopped near him, shoulders to shoulders. The both of them were looking at Jay.

"When does this gonna stop?" Erin asked.

Logan didn't respond because he didn't know the answer. He would do anything for Jay. But this, this was so messed up. Just when he thought Jay was out of this nightmare, they pulled him back in. Carl's dog tag was the prove that this wasn't over yet.

Logan was watching Jay looking at every victim of this fire.

"he's blaming himself…" he exhaled.

Erin was looking at him with sad eyes.

All of the unit reunited themselves on circle to share all of the information's they gathered from the victims and the witnesses.

"Apparently, an old lady saw three people wearing black entered the building and came out 5 minutes later. She was to far to see their face but they weren't wearing mask." Antonio said as he was reading his notes.

"This is weird. I mean if the ones who did that are from Carl organization, they prepared this for a long time and would be at least vigilant about their identity." Erin claimed.

When Jay was about to speak his phone buzzed.

He looked at it and saw Allie's name. He frowned for a second and everyone was looking at him, waiting for him to answer. It was kinda weird that she was calling him. They didn't spoke for a long time. But now wasn't a good time. he would call her later. So he declined it.

"But if Mark and Henry are dead? Who's in charge pf this organization now? I mean, I thought we shut down this…"

Jay's phone rang once again, making everyone to stop their reflections.

"Are you gonna answer that or not?" Voight asked pissed off.

So jay picked it up as he started to walk away to have more intimacy. "Allie? What's up?"

The team decided to wait for him since he was the target of this fire.

But no sooner than a few seconds after he came back toward his team in a rush, still on the phone with her. Everyone understood something was off and turned fully their attention to Jay.

"Stay with me Allie!" Jay said to her.

"What's going on?" Logan asked.

"Allie?" Jay asked. "Allie!" he yelled, but it seemed there was no answer. "Damn it" he hanged up. "Allie is in danger. There are three people in his house, armed!" Jay said as he started to run past his team and made his way toward his motorcycle. "She hid herself on upstairs but her mother is still downstairs."

Everyone took their car and followed Jay. Jay never drove so fast his entirely life. Jay was sure that the three men inside her house were the same that burned out his building. He was so petrified something would happen to Allie. Even if the broke up, she was still one of the important of his life. She was the one who kept him alive when he was in Afgan, she was the one with who he spent the most of his life with. She was like family to him. And her mother too. He didn't want to loose Abigail. She was like his second mother. She was here when he lost his mother and was there to comfort him, to help him, not to move on but to move forward. If something would happen to the two of them, he would never forgive himself. The three men were looking for him, and somehow were trying to hurt him, in one way or another.

Once he arrived, he got off from his motorcycle, don't even bother to put the stand, he let it fall on the ground, brought out his gun. On his way in, he noticed a patrolman car parked in front of Allie's house. He looked through the window and saw the two patrolmen with a bullet in their head. This is where he realized he was to late.

and entered the house. He didn't even wait the others who were still trapped in the traffic. Fortunately, Jay was able to circulate between the cars.

Jay couldn't hear anything. The front door was already open with the keyhole damaged. He arrived in a small corridor. On the left the living-room, empty. The dinning-room, empty. Jay reached the kitchen where he saw, Abbigail, leant against the counter, not moving.

"Abbi!" he ran toward her and check her pulse. But nothing. His eyes went wide when he realized she was dead. He instantly lost his breath. He got up, disoriented, everything went fuzzy. Here again, he was doing a panic attack.

"Allie?" he started to say but no noise came from his mouth. "Allie" he tried a little harder. But no answer. So he shook his head and decided to search for her. He reached the stairs and with still a lot of carefulness, paid attention if there was no one who could be a threat. He went up the stairs and when he reached the floor, he cleared the corridor.

The firsts rooms he searched were empty. Then he arrived in Allie's room and saw her on the floor, with a bullet on his belly.

"Allie"

He ran toward her and kneeled down near her. He took her in his arms and pressure her wound with one hand. She wasn't dead yet, she was slightly suffocating. Jay looked at her wound, the bullet reached her liver. He closed his eyes and tears came out when he opened them again.

"Allie, Allie, look at me." He tried to catch her eyes. His voice was breaking. He was literally crying. The last time he cried liked this, it was for her mother death.

Jay knew she was gonna die. This is why he didn't call an ambulance.

Jay put his hand covered with blood on her face to turn it to his direction. She was know looking at him. She smiled at him, with her love-struck eyes. She couldn't be happier to be in his arms for the last time. Jay knew that she knew she was gonna die.

"It's okay" she said to him. "It's okay!"

jay let out a gasp as tears were rolling on his cheeks.

"Please don't be afraid" he said to her.

"I was… but now lying here with you, how could I be?"

"I wouldn't be anywhere else." She gasped.

Jay let out a giggle still crying.

At this moment, all of the team arrived, while some of them were searching downstairs, Ruzek, Erin and Logan came up the stairs, cleared the area and found Jay with Allie in her arms. It was her final moments.

Allie was beginning to suffocate more and more harder. Her hands were gripping Jay's arms. She wasn't afraid to die. She was afraid to leave Jay. So jay hold her tighter to his body.

"Do not be afraid..." he said slowly. "You go now, where many have gone before you."

He could feel she was weakening. "And where even I will go in time… Just know... there will be no more pain... No more heartbreak." A tear rolled on his cheek before he concluded "You, will, find, peace."

This is where she decided to go. She could now die in peace. Jay was here with her the whole time, not letting her alone. He was spending her last moment on earth with her. And she didn't want anything more. She could now join her mother. She exhaled her last breath and she was gone.

Jay didn't have to check her pulse; he knew it already. So he put her closer to him, if this was even possible.

He started to cry again. He pressed his face to hers. How could this happen? how could this gone so far?

So many question and so many pain inside of him. Erin, Logan and Adam didn't what to do. The didn't know what to say. They were just standing there, enabled to move. Erin had tears at the corner of her eyes, Logan was shocked, his mouth was agape and Ruzek, well Ruzek called an ambulance to inform them they had bodies. Jay was still snubbing. It was 11 pm.

10 minutes later, when the ambulance arrived, Jay was still in a sitting position, his back leant against a wall, Allie in his arms. He was looking in front of him, not saying anything to anyone. He was submerged by memories of Allie, good ones.

He had images of her, smiling, laughing, angry, sad.

When the paramedics came upstairs to take the body, Jay, at first, struggled a little. He didn't want to let her go.

But Erin was there to help with the situation.

"Jay… please…please let her go" she put her hands on his arms so he would release Allie.

So jay looked at Allie one last time, kissed her one last time on the forehead before he got up, with her in his arms and put her on the stretcher.

The paramedics put a white sheet on her body and Jay looked at them walk away with Allie.

Erin saw Jay was so damaged. She couldn't handle seeing him like that. He didn't deserve such injustice. So she took him in her arms. Jay didn't respond the hug. He was just watching Allie getting away from him. At the time he didn't register that Erin was hugging him.

Then suddenly, he saw something was hanging on the door handle. He frowned in confusion,

Pulled apart from Erin's hold and walked toward the door and took a closer look at what was hanging on. His eyes went wide when he realized it was another dog tag. He wasn't surprised to see it here. It was Henry's this time. He was now sure the murders were related to him. This Carl's case wasn't over yet.

When everyone came downstairs, Jay saw passing past him another stretcher with another body wrapped in a white sheet too. It was Abbigail's body.

He stopped the paramedics for a second, took off the sheet from Abbi's head and looked at her. Then his eyes became full of rage. He's never been so angry and so full-hatred.

He had no expressions on his face, just his eyes were letting his emotions appearing. Erin never saw these kind of eyes. Not even Logan. And this was worrying them. His beautiful blue ocean eyes became hateful, enraged eyes. His jaw clenched. He was about to say something to Abbigail so his mouth slightly opened his teeth were gritted but he quickly shut it.

Suddenly, they all heard noise outside. It was like men arguing. So Jay got out to see what was happening. And the worse part was coming. It was Zach, Abbigail's husband and Allie's father. He walked down the few stairs form the porch very slowly. He even let his foot fall

from each stair. Zach caught Jay coming down and ran toward him, pushing away the police men who was trying to keep him away from the crime scene. Then all of the unit came out from the house too, to see what was happening.

"Jay!"

Jay walked toward him with sad eyes. Zach quickly understood that a tragedy happened. He has already lost a boy and knew quite well the expression on Jay's face. It's something you never forget. Jay was the one who announce him for Ben. But even if he already knew, he didn't want to know it. Well he didn't want to hear it.

"Zach I'm…" Jay began to say but Zach cut him off instantly.

"Don't!" he began to cry.

"I'm so sorry…" he told him with a raspy voice and sad eyes.

Then Zach saw Allie body come out from their house. he cried even harder.

"Nooooo…." He fell in Jay's arms who tried his best to keep him up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he was whispering him. But Zach couldn't stop crying.

"They were supposed to keep her safe!" he continued to cry. "They were supposed to keep her safe"

At this instant Jay was confused. What was he saying. So he slightly pushed Zack back and looked at him with questioned eyes. He had his hands on Zach arms.

"who are you talking about? Who should have protected her?"

Zach was surprised Jay didn't know what happened. So he looked at him with puzzlement. Then Zack looked at Voight who was still on the porch, behind Jay, looking at them too. So jay followed Zack eyes and turned around to meet Voight eyes. Voight quickly understood jay was now in the confidence. So Jay let go of Zach and began to walk toward him. Voight came down from the porch to join Jay. Jay was so angry they could all read it on his face.

Once Voight was downstairs, Jay joined him just in front him.

"What is this about" Jay asked Voight with threatening eyes.

"I don't know what you are talking about" Voight answered with his calm voice, like he always does.

"No, No ,no! no more lies. Now I'm the one asking questions and you answer it!"

"I don't like that tone of voice" Voight stepped forward.

"SHE DIED!" Jay yelled at his boss. "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING? YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING! YOU DID NOTHING"

"I tried to help her." He kept his monotone voice.

Jay laughed. "You tried?" Jay turned around and put his hands on his waist. He couldn't believe it.

"yes I did Ja…"

"No you didn't try! What you should have done is tell me!" he turned around and had his index finger pointed toward him. "I would have protected her!"

"There was nothing you could have done Jay! Mouse asked me to put her on protection while he was investigating on who was threatening her"

Mouse name came out from Voight's mouth. This was what they were up to. Why didn't Mouse tell him about Allie.

"You let Mouse investigating alone? Without me? I am main cause of all of this." Jay pulled out from his pocket henry's and Carl's dog tags. "This was meant for me!" he threw them on the floor. "I should have been informed of this"

"We thought it was better for you not to know! you had so much things to deal with in your head Mouse thought he shouldn't give you something more to worry about. He thought he would have had more time"

Even if he thought Mouse was right not to inform Jay, he still owned Jay an explanation. But Jay shook his head the whole time Voight was trying to explain himself.

"you killed her. This is all on you!" Jay looked at him with boiling eyes.

Voight didn't respond. He just kept staring at Jay straight in the eyes.

"And if you're not able to find out who is behind this I will!"

Everyone assisted at the argue between Voight and Jay. Nobody stood in front of Voight like this. Jay had a lot of nerve. But he had nothing left to loose. He didn't care if this would cost him his job. The most important thing now was finding the person responsible of this crime.

And Jay intended to find him as fast as possible, alone.


	25. Chapter 24

**Hey guys so here is the new BIGGGG chapter. I hope you'll like it and please tell me what you thought in the reviews. I have a lot of inspiration but i don't know if I want to continue this story. I mean I want to but I don't know if you guys still like it or if you grew tired of the story. Please tell me in the reviews... Anyway, enjoy!**

Of course Mouse gave the wrong address. He waited for the unit to suit up and leave the unit before he could, at his turn, take a gun on the basement and join Logan and Jay who were waiting for him in front of the address. Once he was at the place, he met his two friends in their car. é

"Do you have the Ci's file?" Jay turned around to face Mouse on the backseat.  
"Yeah!" he got up from his pocket a USB key and showed it to Jay. "30 minutes after they open the file, it will disappear." Mouse cracked this key so that they won't have access to it. He was just hoping they would do a copy once Mouse gave it to them.

"Good!" Jay replied. He turned back and looked at his watch, 17:15.

"Okay time to go!" he told them. He let out a heavy sigh. The three of them were very anxious. This plan had to work or Mouse would lose his mother, Jay would lose the opportunity to avenge Allie and Logan, well he had nothing to lose except his job.

When Mouse and Logan were about to open the doors of the car to get out, Jay stopped them.

"Wait… I just um… I want you to know that…"

"We know Jay" Logan replied with a small smile while Mouse squeezed his shoulder from behind.

They all got out and headed toward the house. They went up the few steps from the porch and knocked at the door. There, a man with a gun on his hand opened, looked on each side of the street to see if there was something suspicious and let in the three men.

They arrived in a corridor and the men accompanied them in a big room.

In the house there was Julia surrounded by 3 men who were there to protect her. And in the middle of the room, Mouse's mother with an adhesive tape on her mouth. Mouse looked at her didn't even frowned. He could tell she was relieved he was here but still scared of what might happen.

The team was in 3 different cars. They were heading at the address Mouse gave them before he left to join Logan and Jay. Once they arrived at the place, it was an abandoned house. They seemed to have no movement in there. They all get out from the car and strategically dispersed themselves. Voight, Lindsay, and Dawson were taking the front door while Atwater, Ruzek and Olinsky the backdoor. Everybody had an earpiece to receive Voight's orders.

"Okay enter now"

Atwater smashed down the back door while Antonio did it for the front door.

"Chicago PD!" they all yelled. They began to inspect every floor of the house but it was empty. They all met each other on the ground floor.

"Nothing" Ruzek declared.

"Damn it!" Voight yelled when he understood Mouse tricked them. "What the hell are they doing!"

Erin was very anxious about what was gonna happen. She didn't know where Jay was and she persuaded that he was putting himself in danger. And Logan too. He was her partner for more than a month now and they where supposed to tell everything to each other. She was really attached at him and it vexed her that he didn't trust her with their plan.

Plus, they were with Mouse which means they were definitely gonna do something really bad. She knew Allie was also Mouse best friend and Logan, he was loyal to his best friends so of course he followed them. She gets out from her pocket her phone. She dialed Jay's phone even if she had little hope he would answer. "come on pick up, please" she directly reached his voice mail. Of course he turned off his phone just like Mouse and Logan so that they wouldn't found them. She decided to leave a voice message. "Hey Jai it's me… Listen, I don't know what you think you are doing… but I'm begging you, come back. This isn't the right way. You are better than this. Don't go this way. I know how much you hurt and It's killing me. It kills me to see you like that. But please, please stop this…" she waited a moment and hanged up.

"What do we do Serg'?" Atwater asked.

Voight didn't respond. He was thinking. "We go back to the district" he said as he began to walk out.

"What?" Erin replied "We can't just leave them! They need us!"

"I said we go back to the district." Voight wasn't gonna give up but he knew he wasn't gonna find out where they were in here. So going back at the district and searching any clues on Logan, Jay and Mouse's computer was the best they had for now.

Erin groaned and by passed Voight angry.

"let her go now" Mouse said as he looked back at Julia.

"the files first!" Julia replied.

So mouse stepped forward but was stopped by one of the three men with a hand on his shoulder. Mouse looked at him, not destabilized at all. "You want the files? So let me give it to her!" he pushed away the men's hand from his shoulder. He continued his walk and gave to Julia the CI's files. Julia gave it to another man so he could check them.

"Now release her! She is no need to you!" Mouse said.

Julia looked back at Mouse and a smiles appeared on her face. "No!"

"What?" Mouse stepped forward but was stopped by the gun of the three men. So Logan and Jay put a hand on Mouse's each shoulders to make him step back.

"That wasn't the deal!" Jay told her.

"Are you talking about the same kind of deal you made with my husband Jay? The one that you promised to be part of the organization to finally kill him?". There was an instant of silence "Na I don't think so!". Mouse was looking at his scared mother who had tears on the corner of her eyes.

"You are just a manipulative bitch" Logan claimed.

"Ohhh… don't be rude Logan!" She smiled at him. Logan and Julia had already met when he was working on the organization. He could never stand her.

"I'm sorry for your girl friend Jay! I had to do it. No rancor?!". Jay's jaw clenched immediately

"why are you doing this?"

"You're kidding right?" Her smile disappeared. She stepped forward Jay "you have no idea?!" she looked at him straight in the eyes. "Does Carl remember you anything?"

Jay looked elsewhere.

"Yeah!" she added. "This is why! I wanted to make you as miserable as I am"

"Well you succeeded! You reached your goal… Now stop"

"oh excuse me …you thought it was over?" she started to chuckle. "its just getting started, Jay. I want to take you down. But dying is easy. And I don't want life to be easy. I want you te feel every miserable moment in your life." she titled her head on the side "I'm gonna take down every person you care about! And this begin by destroying your friend's life!" she said before she turned around pointed the gun toward Mouse's mother and shot on her head.

"NO!" Mouse said as he began to ran toward his mother. Instantly, Logan and Jay, chocked, took out their gun and shoot at the other men. While Logan shoot at the men in front of Mouse so this latter would have time to get out his gun, Jay took care of the one protecting Julia, by shooting him on the head. Another man shoot at Logan but only reached his arm. He yelled out in pain. Mouse looked at the scene, wiped his tear got up and shot at the man who just shot Logan. Julia, as for her, she was trapped. There was no escape way for her.

The other man who was supposed to check the files heard the gunshots and began to run away. Mouse caught him and ran after him in the street. There was no way anyone would get away like this. His rage take control of his whole body.

Jay looked back at Julia who was trying to escape from the window. Jay ran toward her and without hesitation shoot at her in the chest. This was the end. Julia fall on the ground. She tried to get up she was to hurt. So she leant her back against the wall. She was breathing heavily. Jay could tell she was scared. He walked slowly toward her kneeled down and looked at her.

"This is for Allie, Abby and for every person you killed for your own entertainment. This is over." He said with his teeth clenched.

Once they arrived at the district, Platt was on the phone trying to understand what a woman was saying. She was speaking fast and was scared which made the half of her words incomprehensible.

"Hank!" Platt called out as she was still on the phone, writing something on a post it.

Voight walked toward her and motioned his head toward to ask her what she needs.

"There is a woman here saying she heard gunshots" Platt knew they were looking for the detectives and thought it was worth the shot to check the address.

The whole team heard what Platt said so they waited just behind Voight knowing it would be a determinant information.

When Voight received the address they all ran back toward their car.

When Jay was looking at Julia, he heard gun shots from outside. Then realized mouse was still over there to catch the one who was trying to run away. His eyes went wide and him and Logan began to run outside.

Mouse was looking at the body in front of him. The man down was on his belly with a bullet on the back. He seemed finally dead.

"Mouse?" Jay yelled but no response "Mouse" he yelled again still running.

Mouse heard Jay screaming and turned around to find him and to reassure him.

"Jay!"

Jay was relieved that Mouse was safe and sound. They were walking toward each other when Jay looked behind Mouse's shoulders. The man who was supposed to be dead managed to get up on his elbows with a gun pointed toward Mouse.

"Mouse look out" Jay yelled. But Mouse didn't have time to turned around, a shot rang out. Mouse's body straightened and had the wind knocked out of him because of the shock.

"No!" Jay yelled. Logan who was with Jay, instantly shot back at the man's head while

Mouse fell on his knees. Jay ran toward him, kneeled down in front of him and gripped the material of his collar to support him.

« Hey, hey... come here, come here, let me look at ya."

Jay checked the wound on Mouse's back. He passed his hand on the wound and when he looked back at it, it was covered with blood. He frowned and looked back at Mouse.

"Oh, hey look, it's not even that bad... It's not even that bad, alright? Mouse? Greg!" Jay was trying to catch Mouse's eyes but in vain. Mouse was suffocating, enabled to breath. "Hey, listen to me, we are going to patch you up okay... You'll be as good as new. Huh?" still trying to make Mouse looking at him.

"I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to take care of you! I gotcha. It's my job, right, watch after my pain-in-the-ass best friend...Greg... Greg!" he yelled. "Mouse!"

Mouse exhaled his last breath and looses all of his strength. His eyes closed mechanically.

"No. No-no-no-no-no-no. Oh, God. Oh, God..." Jay lay down Mouse on the ground. He took Mouse's face in his hands and tried to wake him up by shaking him. But no response. Jay's eyes became wide, and began sobbing.

He took his torso in his arms "Greg", he cried silently, swinging back and forth with Mouse in his arms.

Logan fell on his kneel too, on the opposite sides of Jay, looking at Mouse. He was shocked, his mouth agape and tears rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't breath.

At this moment, cars with sirens arrived at the place. The team got out with their guns in their man. They could see silhouettes on the ground but couldn't tell who they were.

"hands up!" they all yelled out before Logan got up to show his face. They all lowered their guns. They all looked with confusion in their eyes at the two other men on the ground. They stepped forward to see Mouse in Jay's arms. They stepped back unconsciously, unexpected to see what they were looking at. Erin raised her hand on her mouth with tears while Antonio kneeled down with the most devastated look. Ruzek turned around, ran his hands through his hair. They were all hanging there in silence, overtaken by the events. Mouse was a very loved and dearest friend to all of them.

Jay was still swinging back and forth, his forehead stuck with Mouse's. He was gripping tighter and tighter. He didn't want to let go of him.

After a few instant, Voight had to call an ambulance. He knew the ambulance was gonna take her time. When it's about a dead body, they make the priority at the ones who aren't dead yet.

He too was devastating deep inside but he couldn't show it. He needed to stay professional with a straight head. While the ambo was on the way, Voight entered the house where all began. On the ground, three men, dead, in the middle of the room a women tied on a chair, dead, and in the back, Julia, leant against the wall, dead as well. Voight rarely assisted at a such horrible crime scene. He exhaled deeply and kneeled down in front of the women on the chair. He looked at her for a moment, closed her, before he too closed his eyes. Once he got up, he decided to get out from the house. He took a deep breath of fresh air. How was he gonna fix all of this mess. He couldn't give Jay and Logan at the police. What if they had no other choice than to act by themselves. Even if he wasn't convinced on this part, he need to go with it.

He didn't have the whole story. And he didn't need to. So he made a story to tell the police so Jay and Logan would manage to get out from this mess. When Voight elaborated the plan, he walked toward Logan, took him apart and explained him what he needed to remember, to say to the police. Logan was half listening half looking at Mouse on the ground.

"Logan!" Voight said out loud, making Logan to come back to reality. "Do you wanna go to jail? No? so listen to me okay! Focus!" Logan nodded.

Once Logan registered all of the information Voight was giving him Voight looked behind him, to watch Jay, still on the ground. He wasn't crying anymore but he was till carrying Mouse in his arms, his eyes empty.

"Now we need to do the same with Jay, which is gonna be pretty hard actually."

"I'm gonna take care of it." Logan said as he walked past everyone and headed toward Jay. He tried to make him stand but Jay shook his body in defence. "Get of off me" he yelled at Logan. Logan took a step back, put his hands on his head and made a strong comeback. He gripped Jay's shoulders, made him get up, leaving Mouse on the ground and pinned him against the first car. Jay couldn't take his eyes off of Mouse.

"Look at me!" Logan yelled back. Jay looked taken aback at the violence of his voice, just like every one who were looking at them. But Logan had no other choice. He already lost a friend he couldn't lost another one. He had his hands gripped on Jay's material hoodie.

"You're gonna do exactly what I tell you! you understand me?"

All of the team was looking at Logan talking to Jay like it was a matter of life or death. They couldn't hear what they were saying but they figured out this would be about what they needed to say to the police.

When a member of the team is the victim, they can't investigate on the case. Another district takes over it. Once they were cleared, the ambulance was already there, taking away Mouse's body on a stretcher. Jay was walking slowly after him with Logan by his side.

The police cars were dispersed all over the street. Some scientist where taking pictures of the crime scene, taking every sample of blood while the detectives from another district were asking questions to everyone.

When the police had all of the information's they needed, the street began to cleared herself. The crime scene was relieved for the bodies and there was a lot less police cars and ambulances.

Jay was back to his apartment, destroyed and Logan was with him. Jay wasn't in a mood for company but he figured out that Logan needed him more than Jay needed Logan. So as a friend, he had to comfort Logan. He headed toward his kitchen, opened the cupboard he promised himself he would never open it again and took out a bottle of Whiskey.

He went back to the living room in where Logan was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands.

"This shouldn't have happened." He finally said. He still couldn't believe it. He had a knot in his stomach, making him want to vomit. Jay had to be strong for the two of us because he knew Logan was soon gonna break down. And it was comprehensible. Logan has also lost a lot of persons in his life, whether it was at war or in his life.

Jay sat two glasses on his coffee table and poured themselves some whiskey. While Logan took it and drank it in one gulp, Jay headed toward his window and admired the city. He wondered if he would miss this city if one day he decided to leave it. He was looking through the window, at the emptiness. He was used by now to lose everyone he loves: his mother, Ben, Allie, Abby, Mouse… he let out a cold laugh at how pathetic his life was. Couldn't be worse.

"I've lost everyone…" he finally admitted, looking at his glass with tears coming from the corner of his eyes. "There is nothing more for me here. Nothing left…"

"What are talking about?" he looked up "You still have me and- and Mark and…" Logan didn't finish his sentence when he saw Jay slightly shaking his head.

"I'm so tired man…just don't know how much more of this I can take!" he turned around to look at Logan. This latter straightened up as he realized Jay was trying to tell him something. But the two of them were so exhausted they weren't thinking clearly.

"I'm gonna leave, you are gonna sleep and we are gonna talk about this tomorrow okay?" Logan began to get up and took his jacket. Jay turned back to look at the view of the city he loves so much. He took a gulp of his whiskey and when he realized it was already finish he poured himself another drink. Logan opened the door, looked back at Jay with a mournful face and closed the door behind him. On his way out of the building, he had his head held low, his hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket.

"Hey…" a raspy female voice is carried in the hasty wind, capturing Logan's attention. Logan looked up to meet Erin.

"Hey." It's fast and to-the-point before he resumed his walk toward his car. Erin frowned and looked taken aback of Logan's behaviour toward her.

"Woah, hold on." After catching up with him, she grabbed his arm and twisted Logan's body toward her own. He didn't make eyes contact as her steely glare is softened by his red eyes who were darkening his beautiful green eyes.

"Logan, I'm…" at this moment, Logan's eyes find hers, waiting for her to say the words he heard to many times in his life. "do you know how many times I saw this face?" he asked her. "This apologize face with small, sad eyes and…" his eyes went from her eyes to her mouth and motioned his head toward it "a mouth slightly opened because they don't know what to say to you… because what ever you say it won't change anything…".

She didn't respond. The only thing coming out from their mouths was the steam due to the coldness.

"in a life that´s long and well lived, there´s gonna be pain and darkness…" she looks at him and captured his head with her hands. "But never give up okay?! I'm here, we are all here staying right by your side…" she looked at him asking him with her eyes if he understood what she was saying to him. She was really attached to Logan. He's always been great with her. Logan nodded and took a deep breath, realizing he was gonna live without him for the rest of his life. Erin brought him closer to her and enlaced her hands around his neck to hug him. After a moment, they split up and Logan looks up at Jay's apartment before looking back at her. "I think he needs you, even if he won't admit it…" he told her with a small smile.

Erin, at her turn, looked up at Jay's place and back at Logan. She quickly smiled at him before watching him leaving her. Once he drove away from Jay's place, Erin deeply exhaled, preparing herself to confront Jay and began to walk into his building.

She knocked at his door and waited a few seconds before she hearing footsteps coming closer to the door. When the door opened, Jay appeared, exhaling. He turned around, took back his glass and went back to his earlier spot, in front of the window.

"I came back to make sure that you were okay..." She said as she stepped in and closed the door behind her.

"I appreciate the gesture." He replied ironically, as he took a gulp of whiskey. "I'm just glad that it's over".

Erin raised one of her eyebrow at how ridiculous his answer was.

"You know I don't believe that right?" she said as she folded her arms. He quickly glanced at her and looked back outside. Of course she wouldn't believe that. He just didn't know what else to say. "I'm your friend…" she stepped forward.

"I'm well aware of that" he let out a cold laugh. _Friends…_

"and a friend usually knows when their friend is hurting"

"what do you wanna hear? That I'm upset? Well I'm not." He snapped back with angry eyes looking at her. This eyes weren't addressed at her specifically. "I don't feel miserable or angry and I don't feel good or bad. I feel nothing!" He didn't want to show his emotions because this would make him weaker than he already is. And Erin realized that. But she couldn't understand it. She was her partner; they were supposed to rely on each other. But all he was doing was rejecting her while all she wanted to do was helping him.

"Why do you keep pulling away from me?" she asked angry, her eyes full of incomprehension.

"Because everyone is dead." He replied immediately "I can't loose you too. I won't survive."

When she heard his words, a piece of her heart broke. She exhaled, her shoulder relaxed themselves and her face softened.

She slowly stepped forward and positioned herself in front of Jay. She took his glass away from his hands and put it on the coffee table. She moved closer and closer while Jay was watching her do so, before she kissed him in the cheek. Jay closed his eyes. They stayed in each other arms for a moment before Erin broke the silence.

"what are you gonna do now?" she asked as she stepped back.

"I have no idea" he chuckled. "Every time I try to fight back; it just gets worst. People keep getting hurt. Maybe it's a sign…" he raised his shoulders nonchalant.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing" he smiled at her and finished his glass.

When Jay arrived in front of Mouse's apartment, He rustled through his pocket for the key of the apartment and once he found it, he stuck it in the locks and turned it. He gently pushed open the door and pulled his key out of the lock. He took one step inside, looked on the right side for the switch. Once he reached it, Mouse's apartment lightened.

Jay closed the door behind him, dropped the key on the counter next to him and looked at the apartment. He began to walk forward, headed toward his kitchen, took a beer on the fridge, opened it and came back to the living room where he sat in front of the table. He took a long gulp of his beer before exhaling deeply. He put his elbows on the table and sustained his head with his right hand.

They were several papers on the table but one attracted Jay's attention. It was a letter with written _For Jay_ on it. When he took it in his hands, he palpated it and could feel something thick in it. He opened it and get out a USB key.

Jay took Mouse's computer and plugged the key in. An image of Mouse appeared. So he clicked on play.

 _"_ _So, this will be a short one… uh, something to remember me by if things go South; if I don't make it out today_..." Jay's eyes went wide when he realized this were Mouse's goodbyes. _"_ _I've tried to be optimistic about all this, but I, um, I just can't. I can only believe that we are doing is the right thing, that we can stop this disaster… Only, um… I- I don't know what I'll have to give up in return. My sanity? My life? It's impossible to say._ _But sacrifice… that's what we do for the people we love"_ _"_ _Anyway…Whatever happens, it's not an ending. It's just another chapter in this- this endless story. And it'll be your job… and mum and- and Logan's and Mark's to keep turning the pages."_ Jay ran his hand through his bear. He was devastated. His eyes were red, his hands were trembling and his heart was beating fast. _"_ _I never got to say thank you… for everything you did to me… You saved my life... And I knew it knew it before you did. And for that I'm so grateful."_ He stops a moment. _"_ _You know I- I keep thinking about something Orson Welles once said… something like, if you… if you want a happy ending, it all depends on where you stop telling your story. So maybe… maybe that's the answer. Maybe that's how people keep marching forward. If something goes wrong in there, Jay… if something happens to me… when you tell my story years from now… please tell them the one about how I lost my way, and then I found it again, just in time to save the ones I love. And- and- just… end it there. That will keep everyone smiling."_ A small smile appeared on mouse's face at this moment. _"_ _Goodbye Jay. Say hello to mom. Tell her I love her, okay? Tell her I- I love you both… I love you both."_ The video ended there. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end.

It was to hard for Jay. he couldn't live without his best friend.

"What am I gonna do without you?" he murmured as he put his head on his hands.


	26. Chapter 25

**Hey guys so here is the new chapter! tell me what you thought about it in the reviews! enjoy ;)**

It's been a week since Mouse died. Jay never left his best friend's place after he listened to his video. He didn't even know if he wanted to go to the funeral. He couldn't face the people who was there for him because, let's face it, it was all of his fault if his best friend died. If he hadn't told Mouse his plan to kill Julia, this latter wouldn't have come with him. Even if his mother was in danger, Jay could have keep it from him and manage to save her, on his own. Even Logan should have never come.

So he just laid there, in his couch, letting his demons control his mind and his body, drinking beer and whiskey all day, literally; he emptied all of the bottles of alcohol from Mouse cupboard. He spent all of his time watching all over again this video that mouse left for him. It was his way to see him everyday.

He had no way to communicate with the outside since the battery of his phone was empty as well. He didn't care. He wanted nobody by his side, he wanted nobody to listen to. Sometimes it's okay to be alone, it's okay not to know or even care.

Only Mark new he was there, it seemed they had the same idea, be as closer as possible from Mouse. He was the one updating the team about his state, when nobody had news about him. He was also talking to Jay about everything, delivering news like Logan who succeed to gain back his job at the intelligence. Mark was trying to take Jay's mind off for a few instant,

But when Mark proposed Jay his help, this one asked him to leave, that everything would be okay. Truth be told, he lied.

He rarely changed his cloths. He barely ate, he never slept. He was in a full-blown depression. He was thinking at how his life has been since he came back from Afghanistan. And what this city has taken away from him, and what else is she gonna take him again. He couldn't keep going like that. He's never been such a wreak. He was well aware of that, but it didn't seem to bother him. This state was in what he deserved to be. All day since a week he kept blaming himself. Kept telling himself every seconds that it's all his fault. He deserved to feel every miserable moment of this life. To be in pain.

And every time he thought back at Mouse and how life could have been for him if he had never met Jay, tears started forming at the corner of his life. And every time he thought that this was enough, that he tried to get up and face the world, Mouse's face just like Allie's, Abby's, Ben's his mother's came back to his mind, and he fell back into the couch.

He cries sometimes, because he feels alone. It isn't just death he has to grieve. It's life, it's loss, it's change.

Two hours before the ceremony of Mouse's funeral begins, Mark decided to pop over Mouse's place, where Jay was staying since a week, never getting out. When he unlocked the door, he looked in front of him to see Jay still slumped in the couch, a bottle on his legs, looking at the emptiness. He sighed and closed the door behind him. He slowly walked toward him and sat next to him on the couch. He looked in front of him as well and then after moment, turned his head to look at Jay.

"I know how much it hurts…" he paused for an instant "I know you want to lay down here and never get up again… but that's pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear, that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for." Mark looked at Jay but they seemed to have no reaction about what he just said. Jay kept looking in front of him, in the emptiness. All they could hear was, them breathing. Mark tried several times, over the week, to talk to Jay, to make him get up, go out. But he always had the same reaction in return. Nothing. Just silence. Today wasn't the day that was gonna change.

So Mark just got up, ready to leave when Jay began to speak.

"you know I thought I told Mouse everything… every moment that mattered from my past…" he paused, still looking at the emptiness and shrugged his shoulders nonchalant "and yet in the mere hours since he died, I've thought of a thousand things I forgot to say". He took a gulp of alcohol, welcoming the burn in this throat. So Mark returned back to the couch, fully turned toward Jay and began to speak. "I know that stage okay? Just find one thing inside off you that makes you strong. Just latch on to it. Find that thing inside of you that makes you wanna live." But Jay shook his head. He didn't believe in this.

"it doesn't matter what I do or what I chose…I'm what's wrong. If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting every one around me…" a tear ran down his cheek.

"You should come to the funerals. Say your last goodbyes in front of God."

Jay let out another cold laugh, took a gulp and exhaled "There is only one god and his name is death."

"Jay…" Mark began to protest but was soon interrupted by Jay.

"You should go."

But when Mark was about to reply, Jay cut him off again "just… go!"

He didn't made eyes contact with his friends. He was so ashamed of what he looked like, he didn't want others to see it. So Mark got up and began to walk out.

On his way he stopped, turned around and looked back a Jay. "I think Mouse wouldn't want you to blame yourself! He made his choice, now you need to make yours. And sitting there will do you nothing but pain and suffer."

Jay didn't reply, but he heard. Just like he heard the door closed herself soon after.

Everyone was at the church, waiting for the ceremony to began. Jay didn't come. However, the whole team was there, sitting silently, looking at the picture of their dearest friend in front of them, on the coffin. Erin was next to Logan who was next to Mark.

Then the priest arrived and began to walk up the few steps before reaching the altar. He turned around and positioned himself in the middle of the stairs. He looked at everyone for a moment, trying to find his words.

"We might say, one life gone…" he began to say and waited a moment before continuing "but one person isn't just one person, in each of us there is a world reaching other, creating reaction" he stopped again. "we rush to say one life gone, but each of us is a world, and today a world as been lost". Erin looked at Logan who was devastated. He had small eyes since he didn't sleep much this week. And Erin hated seeing Logan like this. He always managed to make everyone smile but when his own smile disappears, everyone's smile does the same. So she took his hand and squeezed it. He looked at them and looked at her. He saw a small smile appearing on her face. He enveloped her hand with his other free hand and looked back at the priest.

Mark got up and headed toward the stairs to tell his goodbye speech to Mouse. He looked at the coffin downstairs in where Mouse was peacefully laying.

"The worst day of loving someone is the day you loose them…" he had a lump in his throat due to the emotions.

When the ceremony came to an end, everybody began to leave the church. The sun was going down, projecting a beautiful orange light. When Logan stepped outside, the cold wind hit his face. So he popped the collar of his vest. They all stayed on the square of the church, talking and presenting their condolences at Mouse's family.

Logan was looking at the sunset, while Erin was talking to him. He was half listening to her and half in his own thoughts.

Mark came by behind, stopped on his right, and followed his look. Logan quickly glanced at him and looked back at his earlier spot.

"Where is Jay?" He knew Mark was informed of were Jay was. Erin looked at Mark, curious. It's been a week since she didn't see him and she tried to enter in contact with him but no response.

"I don't know…" Mark lied. He knew Jay didn't want anyone to know were he was staying. He needed a little time.

"I know you do! That's fine if you don't want to tell me but don't lie to me! We've passed that" Logan relied coldly. He was angry at Jay. He should have come to the funeral. Mouse was supposed to be his best friend. They were all devastated but they all made the effort of coming. To do their last goodbyes.

"He should have been here" he said angry, still looking at the sunset.

"He's in pain" Mark replied trying to defend Jay even if he shouldn't.

"Life is pain!" Logan replied out loud, barely yelling. "I wake up every morning I'm in pain, I go at work in pain!" he looked at Mark. "You know how many times I just wanted to give up? How many times I thought about ending it". This time it was Erin to look at Logan. She was quite chocked at Logan's revelation. Has he been so miserable in his life? Logan stopped talking. Maybe he went a little to far.

"Whatever…" He said before he walked away.

Mark exhaled and Erin looked at Logan leave. How are they gonna pass that?

The next day, Mark was working the whole ay at the bar. Since the day it is pretty quiet, he was the only one working. He was cleaning the bar when the door opened. He looked up and saw Jay approaching. He was completely different. He shaved, had a navy blue long sleeved shirt with his black hoodie above it and a black jean. Mark's face enlightened when he saw that his friend finally turned his life around. But there was something that was bothering Mark. He didn't know what. He was feeling like something was off, that Jay wasn't here casually.

Jay arrived in front of the bar and looked at Mark. He didn't have to say anything, Mark quickly understood what he was doing here.

"You are living?" he asked him to confirm his doubts. Jay only nodded. What could he say anyway.

"I'm sorry" was all he replied. Mark looked down and continue to clean the bar. He couldn't say anything either. Even if it was Jay's decision, he was quite disappointed. He was leaving him and Logan behind him. They were suffering too for Mouse's death. Jay noticed Mark was angry and offended.

"It's the loneliness I can't take it… I feel like…" he didn't know how he was feeling. But he hated feeling that way. Mark shook his head and shrugged his shoulders in a nonchalant way.

"You don't have to explain yourself" he wasn't even looking at Jay when he said that.

"Yes I do!" he tried to catch Mark's eyes but they were avoiding him. "It's just…life is like a never ending funeral. And- And I can't do this anymore… I feel like… the pain will never go away"

"What about us? Huh? Did you ever think that we just needed our best friend?" He was talking about himself and Logan. They missed Jay so much. It was like they had to carry this burden by themselves while Jay was loosing hope.

"you have everything to be happy here. You have friends and family. You have a job that you love…" Jay didn't know what else to say to explain himself. There has no explanation anyway. All he hoped was for his friends to understand his choice. "Please understand me…"

Mark didn't reply. A part of him could understand what he was feeling and another didn't want to. Jay looked at him and when he realized Mark wouldn't talk to him anymore he decided to leave. All he needed to do now was go back to his apartment, pack his things and leave.

When he left the bar, Mark looked at the door closing herself and exhaled. He threw his dishcloth and considered that this couldn't be their goodbyes. So he quickly finished his cleanings, threw everyone out of the bar and closed the bar. But he wasn't heading toward Jay's apartment. He headed toward the 21 district. He needed Logan with him.

When he arrived at the district, he walked toward Platt's desk and put his hands on it.

"Hey you" Platt said with a big smile. She always had a thing for Mark. She always thought he had such an elegance and let face it, he's hot.

"Hey Trudy!" he began to say. "Listen, I need to talk to Logan, do you think you can let me upstairs?"

"sure, let me open you the door!" she smiled.

"Thanks Trud'" he smiled back and began to head at the gate. He heard the bip and pulled the door.

Logan was working behind his computer when he heard footstep coming up the stairs. He turned his head and frowned in confusion when he saw his friend. He was more confused when he noticed the concern on his friend's face. Well everyone noticed it. Mark arrived in front of Logan's desk while this latter motioned his head forward to ask him what was happening.

"we need to talk!" was all he said.

Logan looked at him with questioning eyes, stood up and brought them in the break room. When he closed the door behind him he broke the heavy silence.

"What's up?" he crossed his arms on his chest.

"It's Jay…" Mark exhaled.

Logan's eyes became wide "What? What happened? Is he okay?" he asked distressed.

"slow down! Nothing happened to him! He just wants to leave Chicago…" he paused. "for good!"

"What the… why?" Logan uncrossed his arms.

"You know why!" Mark gave him a look.

"give me 2 seconds I take my vest and we'll go talk to him" he turned around and was ready to open the door but Mark stopped him.

"Wait… maybe we should let him go!"

"You're kidding right?" he looked at Mark with angry eyes.

"no you're right! Let's go." Mark claimed as he began to walk toward the door.

The two of them stepped out from the break room. The team watched them being in a hurry. Once Logan took his vest, he began to follow Mark.

"Is everything okay?" Erin asked a little bit concerned. If Mark was here, she knew it was about Jay.

"huh?" Logan turned around, completely forgetting about his team.

"Oh yeah don't worry! I just need to take care of something." He said before walking down the stairs, followed by Mark.

When they arrived at Jay's place, Logan began to knock at his door loudly. Jay opened the door pretty quick after that. He wasn't surprised to see his two best friends at his doorstep. He stepped back to let them enter.

"What do you think you are doing here?" Logan asked him as he looked around to finally see Jay's bag, already full of clothes.

"I'm leaving." He responded.

"No you are not!" Logan replied calmly.

"Yes I am, Logan. I can't stay here. It's to hard…"

"Listen to me" he walked toward Jay and put his hands on his cheeks. "I know things aren't easy but they can still be good!" Logan had a small smile, but a smile full of hope.

"It's not good enough" Jay replied. Nothing was good enough to make him stay. Logan's smile dropped, just like his hands.

"You got to make it good enough! because it's all we've got left" he shot at him.

"We can't do this without you" Mark added.

"I'm really sorry guys." Jay replied as he looked back and forth at Logan and Mark. "The last thing I wanna do is hurt any of you. I'm doing this for me. And I really really hope you guys don't hate or look down on me anyway for doing that. This is a new chapter in my life. It's not the end, just a new page" he said as he walked back at his room to continue packing.

"So you're just gonna run away?" Logan's stepped forward. "I saved your life ten times again. I chose you, I sacrifice everyone and everything for you. And you are just gonna turn your back on me?"

"I know that stage okay?" Mark intervened. "There comes to a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore so we give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all" Mark tried to convince Jay to stay, even if he knew it was in vain.

"Stop! Both of you! You have to let me go. You have to let me you go. I need you to do that for me okay?" Jay said. He couldn't leave if his friends were trying to persuade him. He needed his friends to be a 100% with his decision.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Logan yelled at him. He couldn't understand Jay's choice.

"To much!" Jay threw a tee shirt in his bag before he turned around. "To much is wrong with me. That's the problem. To much is wrong with me. And you can't do anything about that, you can't change it. You can't fix me cause I'm not broken; I don't need to be fix. I'm me!"

They all hang there in silence, not knowing what to say that's hasn't already been said.

Jay exhaled and when he was about to say something, Logan's phone rang. He looked at it and saw Erin's name.

"Yeah?!" he answered a little bit angry and perturbed. "Okay! I'm coming!" he hanged up. He looked back at Jay and stepped forward.

"Listen to me If there is even a fraction of you that still cares about us, your best friends, your family, then you will not walk out that door". Logan said before he turned around to meet Erin on the crime scene. Jay looked at him then looked back at Mark. Mark looked down. He didn't what else to say. At this moment, Olivia arrived. The door was still slightly opened so she stepped in. She looked at Jay with her steely eyes, like she waiting for an explanation.

When Jay saw her, his mouth became agape and he looked back at Mark.

"You called her too?" he asked him angry.

"Of course he did! I'm your sister you idiot" she said as she stepped forward. Mark and Olivia were very close friends. They knew it other for a very long time now, since Jay came back before two tours, he came back with Mark and Logan and presented them Olivia. Mark fell in love with her instantly but he never had the courage on admitting it. She looked at Mark. "would you leave us for a moment?"

"Yeah" he sighed before he stepped forward to kiss her goodbye on the cheek.

He left the two of them and closed the door behind him.

"so? Where to?" she asked him where he intended to go.

"I was thinking of Europe…" he began to go back to his closet to take the few cloths left. "they have a long history of accepting failure and disgrace. I look in the mirror, and I don't even know who I am anymore." He continued to fill up his bag.

"Jay!"

"huh?" he asked still packing his bag.

"When did you decide to let them ruin you?"

"Excuse me?" he asked, exhaling. It was now her turn to persuade him not to leave.

"So your life's unfair. So what? That's how it is. So these voice in you head telling you things that hurt your little soft spots deep inside? Well, so what? That's how it is! So you lost someone you loved? You lost the one person who felt like family? Well, guess what? Grow the hell up! Because that is how it is. The Jay Halstead I know doesn't hide in his half empty closet and wet his pants like a little bitch baby! The Jay I know is a fighter! He bites the bullet, and he does what it takes to serve the city at all costs. So I wanna know right now, in this moment, who you are!" she was nearly yelling at him.

"Okay that's enough Liv' " he said. "We're always looking for ways to ease the pain. Sometimes we ease the pain by making the best of what we have. Sometimes it's by losing ourselves in a moment and sometimes, all we need to do to ease the pain is leave! So I'm leaving!"

"So you are living me alone, again?"

"It's not the same! This isn't for your own interest this time. This is for me! I need to go away. I need to breath again, I need to sleep again, I need to live! Again! I can't do this here." He exhaled as he looked at his beautiful little sister. He stepped forward, put his hand on her shoulders. "Plus you are not alone! You have Mark, and Logan! You guys will be just fine without me!"

Tears were forming at the corner of her eyes, and he hated himself so much for making his sister cry. He put her in his arms and hold her tight.

"Will you come back one day?" she asked him, still in her arms. Jay closed his eyes. He wished she wouldn't have asked this question.

"One day… Maybe."

"You can't live your life according to maybes…" she claimed. "Tell me you will!"

He couldn't lie to her. Honestly he didn't now if he would ever come back. This city has taken so much from him. Everyone he cares about are getting hurt. He can't loose the other ones. He won't survive.

"I will" he said to her. Maybe he will. But not anytime soon.

They split up, she wiped the few tears on her cheeks and let out a small laugh. Jay looked at her with gleaming eyes. He was so proud of what his little sister has become. A beautiful strong woman. He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.

When Olivia left Jay's apartment, this latter sat on his desk and began to write a letter to the one person he would miss the most, Erin.

Once he finished writing his letter, he put down his pen, folded the letter and put it in an envelop. He took back his pen and made a new one for Logan, and another one for Mark.

He headed toward his front door, his bag in his right hand, placed behind his shoulder and the three envelop in his left hand. He stepped out from his apartment, looked back one last time before closing it.

When he arrived at the district and came upstairs, he knew nobody would be there. They were on the crime scene, working on it. And truthfully, he was relieved nobody was there, so he wouldn't do his goodbyes in person. Goodbyes were the hardest.

So he left each envelop on Erin's and Logan's desk. He left Mark's on Logan's desk too, hoping that Logan would give it to him. He made a few step back, looking at the room one last time, looking at every details of it before leaving. On his way out, he waved to Platt, who frown of confusion, seeing Jay carrying a bag.


	27. Chapter 26

**So in the previous chapter, Jay decided to leave. Logan tried to convince him to stay. But he was called on duty and don't know if Jay listened to him, which he didn't. Jay left Chicago.**

 **so here is they new chapter, hope you'll like it. Please review, it helps me keeping on.**

When Logan arrived on the scene crime, Erin was waiting for him. He got out from his car very perturbed and began to walk toward the dead body while Erin walked toward him.

"where were you?"

"Told you I had to take care of something!" he replied coldly. He was still angry at Jay so he took out his rage on her.

She stopped him by putting her hand on his arms and twisted him so they could face each other.

"Okay I don't now what you're so mad about but you don't have to be an asshole right now!" she told him angry. "So you let your personal life aside and you focus on the professional!"

His face softened as he realized he's been an ass. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have talk to you like that!". He looked at her with his penetrating eyes he does so well. She looked at them and then avoid them.

"Yeah whatever!" she said before she continued her walk toward the crime scene.

A smug smile appeared on Logan's face, knowing exactly what he was doing to her and then caught up with her.

They stayed like an hour on place before they head back to the intelligence. Erin and Logan were the first to arrive at the district. The others were still questioning witness and the neighborhood. When they walked up the stairs and stepped toward their respective desk, Logan and Erin were both surprised to see a letter on their respective desk.

While Erin looked at it confused, Logan quickly understood. He opened it and read it. His face darkened as he gradually read each words Jay wrote him. At the end, he held it tightly in his hand enough to compress it completely, creating a paper ball. He threw it on the floor angry. "Damn it!". Erin who didn't open it yet looked at Logan shocked. But she quickly understood what all that was about. This was Jay's writing, Mark who came over here earlier to talk to Logan was all about Jay. She slightly shook her head as she looked at the letter. She couldn't understand. So she mechanically sat on her chair. Logan took his vest, Mark's letter and walked out from the room. He needed to confront Mark. Logan left Jay with him earlier, so he concluded that Mark didn't convince him to stay.

Erin was so confused, she needed answers. So she walked up and walked out in the same direction of Logan.

When she was completely out of the district, she looked on her left to detect where Logan left. Than she looked at the right and saw him. She ran toward him, gripped his arm and headed them in an empty alley.

"We've got a short time before I go mad. So your explanation better be quick and better be good!" she asked as she crossed her arms.

"What?" he asked still shocked at the news.

"Was earlier about him? When Mark came? Was that about Jay?" she asked angry.

Logan didn't reply.

"Why didn't you tell me" she asked, disappointed at him.

"I tried to convince him okay! I thought he would listen to me!" he tried to justify himself.

She looked at him with her enraged eyes. She began to hit his chest with her hands. "You should have told me! I would have convinced him to stay! Why didn't you tell me!"

Logan grabbed her wrist and put them away from his chest, but he kept holding them in his hands. After a moment, she took them away from his hold. She turned around, ran her hands through her hair, and began to pace back and forth to calm down.

"He's gone!" she murmured to herself finally realizing "And I didn't get to say good bye!".

Logan tried to approach her but she stepped back and raised her hand in the air to make him stop.

"This is all your fault!" she said, avoiding his eyes. She was still trying to process it.

"you should have told me! He was my best friend… and you didn't tell me!" she continued.

Okay that was enough. It wasn't his fault. He tried his best to convince not to leave. It was unfair from her to ever think he didn't do anything.

"He was my best friend too okay?! And if he didn't tell you goodbye face to face, there might be a reason!" he shot at her under the effect of the angriness. She looked up to look at him and slapped him in the face.

"you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." Was all she said before she walked away.

Logan looked at her leave, put his hands on his waist and turned around to make a few step so he could regain his calm.

He then resumed his walk to confront Mark.

When he arrived at Molly's he only had eyes for Mark. He walked toward him determined and threw the letter to his face.

"Here is Jay's goodbyes". Mark took it and looked at it. He quickly peeked at Logan in confusion and read the letter. When he finished he exhaled. He wasn't that angry at Jay after all for leaving. Like Jay said before, he was doing this for him, and if leaving was gonna make him happy again, then Mark was down with this. And Logan needed to understand it.

"What do you want me to say Logan? We tried and he wouldn't listen to us…" he put the letter on the bar.

Logan looked at him confused and shocked about his reaction.

"how could you just be fine?" he yelled at him angry at Mark's indifference.

"I'm not fine! Okay?! But this is what Jay need. So the least we can do is accept his decision."

"you realize we may never see him again?" he stepped forward.

"of course we will!" Mark exhaled like it was an obvious for him.

"No we won't! He won't come back! He's gone."

Mark didn't know what to say. He could see the hurt in his friend's eyes. This was also affecting him but he tried to hide it. He kept telling himself this was the best for Jay.

So he took a glass and poured Logan a drink. But Logan shook his head. He couldn't drink when he was on the clock, plus he wasn't in mood to drink with his friends. He was so pissed at him right now. So he walked away, without looking back.

2 weeks, later, when they finally closed their case, Logan was free to breath a little. He spent the worst weeks ever. Jay left him, he and Erin stopped talking to each other, except when it was about work. But still, it was very cold.

Logan hated that. Every time they were in a same room there was this tension, unbearable. He didn't know where this was coming from but he could tell it was new. However, he wasn't gonna be the one to make the first move toward her. And she wasn't gonna do it either. When the team heard Jay left, the reactions were various. While Antonio was comprehensive, Ruzek couldn't believe it. Voight, well Voight they never know what he thinks. But they could still see that he was, not affected but a little disappointed. But on the other hand, he could understand. Anyway, he's never made any comments on his departure. However, the team felt his absence every day. Jay was part of the family and now there was a chance they would never see him again. They kinda felt a hole. But they had not choice but to keep going, keep working. Because Life goes on.

Like always, when they wrap a case, they all meet at Molly's. It was full tonight. A lot of people were there, drinking, releasing their stress of the week, entertaining themselves with old or new faces. Erin was the last one to leave the intelligence. Once she arrived in front of Molly's entrance, she deeply exhaled. It was the first time she would go into Molly's in the past couples of weeks. But most of all, it was the first time she would go knowing Jay would never join her. The past two weeks had been the harder for her. She was constantly asking herself how this could have happened. She tried to reach Jay every time she had a free time. But nothing. And she had no one to rely on. She was on bad terms with Logan. She would reproach him for not having succeeded in convincing him to stay. She knew she was unfair on this but she couldn't help. She was so hurt deep inside. She misses Jay so much. When she looks at his desk and see this empty chair in front of her… Every time she looks beside her when she is driving and see nothing but an empty sit.

Yes, when Jay quit the intelligence to take a time to clear his mind after Carl's case, she would see him less than usually. But she knew he was still here, a few blocks away from her. Still in Chicago.

This time was different. She knew he wasn't gonna come back and she wasn't gonna see him anytime soon. And the fact that he didn't even think about her before leaving, the fact that he didn't even say goodbye hurt even more. It's was like she meant nothing to him. They were supposed to be partners, best friends. She never opened the letter. She kept it at her apartment, in the drawer of her beside table. She never had the courage to open because it would make his departure more real, and she wasn't ready to accept that, not yet. Every time someone from the unit talk to about Jay, or even mention his name at any time, she winced. It's to early for her to even talk about him again. She needs time. And the more time passes the more it was difficult for her and the more she was angry at Jay. She stopped going out, having fun. She kinda stop living.

She didn't even know what she was doing in front of Molly's. She could as well turn around to head to her apartment. She could practically hear her bed calling for her. But something was preventing her to do so. Something told her she needed to enter this bar and have fun again. So she shook her head, put a smile on her face and pushed the door. She arrived in the middle of a crazy night. The kinda night she loves. While some of them were laughing, others were drunk but joyful, others talking and drinking. So she headed toward the bar, where she was gratefully welcomed. Gabby yelled out her name in the chaos, pouring her a shot of tequila.

"It's good to see you back!" she said with a soulful smile. When gabby heard Jay left, she was kinda shocked and devastated. Jay has been an important man in gabby's life and even if there was nothing else between them, they were still friends, close friends.

Erin returned Gabby smile and took the shot. She appreciated Gabby's words, sincerely.

"Oh, Logan is over there!" Gabby added as she motioned her head toward the end of the bar. She didn't know he and Erin were in conflict. Erin looked at Logan who was drinking his whiskey, as Mark was talking to him. But Logan seemed elsewhere. He just nodded at Mark, playing with his glass. Erin smiled at Gabby before she joined her so-called partner.

She arrived by behind and Mark, who noticed her, smiled at her and left the two of them alone, knowing exactly their situation. Logan didn't saw her arrive. He was still looking at his glass, deep in his thoughts. This situation was kinda eating from the inside. And the more time passes, the more he began to believe in Erin's words when she said Jay's departure was his fault. He thought that it would get easier with time but it was just the opposite.

"Hey…" he heard a raspy voice from the behind. Even if he hasn't heard this voice since a long time, he still knew to who it belonged. He turned his head to finally meet her honest eyes. He knew she was coming to apologize. So he just raised one of his eyebrow and waited for her to spill it out. Erin knew he was enjoying this. She wasn't used to apologize. But she had to. She has been unfair and Logan didn't deserve such hard words from her.

"Okay I'm sorry! You happy?" she finally let out.

"I was wrong saying all of these things about you!" she added calmer.

Logan didn't say anything. He just kept looking at her. He turned around, took the bottle in front of him and poured her a drink before handling it to her. She took it and sat beside him. She gave him a sad smile before drinking it.

"How are you holding up?" he asked her, concerned.

She didn't know what to reply. She looked down at her glass. She's been wondering that since two weeks. So she shrugged her shoulders nonchalant. "still figuring that out I guess…" she looked up "You?"

He didn't respond. He looked back at his glass as well, finished it and poured him another one. He didn't have to say anything. She quickly understood. He wasn't fine. And she felt so bad for not being here for him when he needed it the most. But she couldn't take care of him when she couldn't even figure out how she would live without one of the most important man in her life.

"He should be here." He said as he looked at the emptiness. Erin looked at him. Yeah, he should be here. God they missed him it hurt.

"You are all I got now, along with Mark…" he turned his head as he looked at her with sad eyes. "I'm not going anywhere"

When Erin called it a night, she came home, exhausted by the week. As for Logan he decided to stay a little bit longer. It wasn't even that late.

And he was glad because soon after Erin left, Olivia came in. She was like a little sister to him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile from behind.

"Hey. How are you?" he asked her.

"fine. I guess…"

Logan looked at her and nodded. He could read in her eyes that she was a sad but she didn't want to talk about it. All she wanted to do was having fun. She looked at the end of the bar to see mark pouring alcohol to client. A little smile appeared on her face. Logan followed her look and smiled.

"somebody has a crush?"

Olivia quickly looked back at Logan. "What? No!" she protested.

"What's the story between you and Mark"

"short story called mind your own business" she replied with a fake smile.

"Oh come on" he made a face. "You can tell me! I won't say anything!"

"there's nothing to say! We are friends!"

"Like sex friends?" he raised an eyebrow at her as he quickly took a gulp of his whiskey.

"Oh my god Logan!" she punched him in the shoulder. Logan looked at her with a serious look. "That wasn't a no…"

"You are exhausting. You know that?"

Logan let out a small chuckle "Yeah I know!" he drank his glass.

When the night came to an end, Olivia and Logan were to drunk to take their car. So Mark called them a cab. Logan proposed Olivia to sleep at his place and he would drop her in front of Molly the next day so she can take back her car. When Logan asked her to go at his place, it was strictly platonically. They both knew it. Olivia was like his little sister and Logan her brother. Plus, Olivia was Jay's sister so he could never do that to him. So Olivia accepted immediately. She had no other choice anyways. She was too drunk.

When they reached his apartment, they immediately fell into his bed and slept all night.

The next morning, Logan's alarm rang, waking them up. While Logan didn't move, Olivia moaned and pushed him in the back to make him shut off the alarm. Logan opened one eye and tapped the edge of the alarm. He was so weak after that, that his arm fell on the ground. When he turned around on his back he looked at the cell. His head was hurting him so badly he wanted to die. Then Olivia finally decided to open her eyes. She tried to move but just like Logan, her head was a wreak. Then her eyes went wide. She quickly got up.

"dibs for the shower!" she said as she ran toward the bathroom. Logan groaned as it was to late for him. "You are a child" he said angry. He heard her laughs form the other side.

So he slowly got off and headed toward the kitchen to poured himself a cup of coffee. He was glad Voight granted them the week end to catch up. 15 minutes later, Olivia get out from the bathroom, a towel around her chest and her clothes in her hands. Logan began to head toward the bathroom when they heard a knock at the door. They looked at each other before Olivia spoke.

"Go, I'll answer it!"

"Okay…" he said and walked in the bathroom.

Olivia put her clothes on the bed and began to walk toward the front door. When she opened it, she was facing an unknown girl, with blond hair, hazel eyes. She had two coffees in her hands and looked shock to see Olivia.

"Hey, um… is Logan here? I'm a… his partner…" she looked a little bit confused to why a girl in a towel was answering instead of Logan.

"Oh yes sure, Olivia, Logan's friend. um…" she looked behind her and looked back at Erin. "He's under the shower so… do you wanna wait?" she began to step back to let her in. Erin seemed more and more confused. "Um no, don't worry I'll… I'll go." She said.

"I'll tell him you stopped by…" Olivia said.

"Yeah…" Erin exhaled as she walked away.

When Olivia closed the door, she headed toward the kitchen to poured herself a cup of coffee but Logan took all of it. He did it in purpose since she beat him earlier. She let out a groan and came back to Logan's bedroom to get dress. When Logan came back to his room, Olivia was in the living room, slumped on his couch watching television. So he got dress and joined her.

"Who was it earlier? "he asked as he watched the television as well.

"oh yeah it was your partner"

"Erin?" he instantly replied looking at her.

Olivia took a minut to respond. This name was definitely familiar to her. She already heard it. She frowned as she was searching deep in her mind.

"Wait Erin? Erin as…Jay's Erin? Her partner?" her eyes went wide as she straightened up on the couch.

"Well she is my partner now…"

She raised one eyebrow at him. She doesn't know why but she was seeing something in his tone of voice.

"Somebody has a crush?" she asked playfully. He instantly looked back at the television knowing she was making fun of him. "Shut up!"

"That's wasn't a no…" she laughed.

"We are partners!"

"Like sex partners?" she continued in his game he played with her the last time with her and Mark.

He pushed her with his shoulder and took the remote command off her hands. "Give me that, this show sucks!".

She laughed at how Logan was easy to tease.

They spent the day watching TV, eating and laughing. Since Jay left, the two of them felt lonely. They needed company and they found it. So the time could pass faster, they spend it together. Tonight the intended to return at Molly's. They had a really good time last night.

When they arrived, it was still a little bit empty. They arrived early anyway. But it was a maybe a good way to spend a little time with Mark since they didn't saw him much last night. It was a busy night and Mark spent it talking to client and pouring them alcohol. He really liked his job. He spent almost his entire life alone, and being with people was making him shine.

"Hey!" Logan and Olivia said as they came in. Gabby was here too, replacing the empty bottle with new one. She waved at them before she went to reserve.

Mark didn't expect them to be here since last night has been a rough night for them.

"I'm surprised you two aren't in jell…" Mark smirked as he got out two glass from the cupboard.

"Ha ha!" Olivia replied with a fake smile. "Just a beer for me, please!" she added.

"you?" Mark looked at Logan.

"Leave the bottle!" he smiled.

"busy night last night huh?" Olivia asked as she looked at Mark.

"Tell me about it. Did you have fun?" he quickly peeked at her as he continued to clean the bar.

"Yeah!" She let out a giggle as she remembered their night.

"so how is your Job?" Mark asked interested.

"Hard…" she took a gulp of her beer.

"Hey, what's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?" Logan intervene as he felt like he was a put aside from their discussion. Mark and Olivia looked at him half confused and half waiting the answer.

"The pronunciation." He said with a big smile thinking that was gonna make them laugh, or at least smile. But neither of them moved their lips. They looked at him with an eyebrow raised, a little bit appalled by his "joke". Then the two of them scoffed as they realized he was ridiculous.

So his smile disappeared and took a gulp of his whiskey to attenuate the shame. He got up "okay I'm gonna see if gabby needs help!". He needed an excuse to leave. Of course he knew this joke wasn't gonna make them laugh. When he heard it he didn't laugh. It was just an excuse for leaving the two of them alone. If he just walked away like that they would rise questions and they would understand why he left them alone and it would become weird between the two of them.

He smirked, as he walked toward the reserve, his plan worked perfectly since he heard them continue their discussion.

When he entered the reserve, he saw Gabby having difficulty with the cartoons of alcohol.

"Hey let me help ya!" he rushed at her, taking the cartoons in his hands.

"Thanks!" she exhaled.

"No worry…"

"So how have you been since… you know?!" she was implying since Jay departure.

"trying to live my life" he shrugged his shoulders.

"And Erin?"

"well she lost her best friend too, so it's hard."

Gabby nodded. She knew it was difficult for the both of them. She noticed it was hard for Mark too. But she agreed with this latter. They talked for a long time a few days ago and they came to the same conclusion that it was a good decision for Jay to leave Chicago. She didn't know if she would see him again. But she guessed that if she would, it's because it was time for him to come back.

Logan and Gabby stayed a little bit in the reserve talking about life. How it was going on with Matt, or even with Erin, about the last baseball game or the work. After a few moments, they heard noise coming in. When they came back to the bar, it's been filled. So Logan put the cartoon on the bar and let Gabby take care of it. He returned at his seat, considering Mark and Olivia had their time and now he needed to have fun with them.

So he asked Mark to pour him some tequila. And the night could begin.

An hour later, the room was filled up, Logan was already drunk. It was still a little early to be drunk at this time. But he didn't care. He was playing darts with Olivia. They both sucked but again, they didn't care.

Then Erin came in a few moments after along with Kim. They headed toward the bar to order a beer, then began to walk at a free table not far. In her way, Erin bumped accidently into someone. She looked up to meet the women from earlier.

"The famous Erin…" Olivia said with a big smile. She was glad to finally meet her, well not exactly meet her since she already saw her, but knowing who she was.

"The towel girl…" Erin said. Erin didn't know who this girl was.

Olivia looked up for a few seconds and shrugged her shoulders nonchalant.

"I've been called worse!" she replied. "But most of all I'm Jay's sister…" she said softly as she knew Erin was very close to Jay. This latter talked a lot about Erin.

Erin's eyes went wide.

"I didn't know he had a sister…"

"well Jay's not the one to brag" she replied shrugging her shoulders once again.

Jay never talked about his sister because of the shame we felt in him when he left his sibling in the hospital alone. And the day he went to see her for the first time in a long time, he never had the opportunity to talk about her to Erin.

"Well I'm glad to meet you!" She held out her hand. Olivia looked at it and looked up at Erin's eyes.

"Oh come on!" she stepped forward to put Erin in a huge. Erin felt a little taken aback then considered that Olivia was a women full of Joy. This made her smile. Olivia was the opposite of Jay. Not that she was better or worse than him… they were just different.

"So you and Logan are dating?" Erin began to ask curious.

"oh god would you date that?" she motioned her head toward Logan who was a few meters behind them, flirting ridiculously with a woman. But this latter slapped him in his face as he said something inappropriate and left the bar. Erin and Olivia winced while Logan let out a chuckle. Mark who was cleaning the bar looked at him with a serious glare.

"You seriously need to improve your flirt, otherwise, we're gonna lose client."

"I know how to flirt. This woman was just annoying. I need someone spicy you know… someone with nerves and some talent to repartee." Logan replied with a smirk. "Watch and learn…" he said as he looked at Erin and Olivia coming forward.

"Did I told you looked good tonight?"

"Save it Logan. I'm too smart to be seduced by you." She said as she sat on the bar stool not even looking at him. "can I have a beer please Mark?"

A big smiled appeared on Logan's face "That's what I like about you!" he then looked at Mark and winked at him. This latter rolled his eyes.


	28. Chapter 28

**Hello guys so here is the new chapter.** **I'm so sorry I haven't been updating sooner but these last months I had a lot to do. So to forgive me here is two big chapters that I hope you'll like. I think you'll love the second one ;)** **Anyway hope you'll like this chapter and don't lose hope, Linstead will rise.**

 ** _ONE YEAR LATER._**

It was finally the week end. Logan spent almost his Saturday in his bed, sleeping.

When he woke up, it was already 4pm. He didn't even wake up naturally. A loud knock caused him to get up. He frowned as his eyes were adjusting at the sunlight before getting up and heading toward his front door. He opened it to see Olivia storming in his apartment.

"Get dress we are going for a run!" she said.

"What? No way!" he closed the door behind him.

"Yes way! Come on quickly!" she turned his body in direction of his room and pushed him forward so he could get dress. "I'm waiting for you here". Logan groaned at the annoying female waiting in his living room.

So he got change in his gym clothes and went back to his living room.

"you ready?" he asked her as he zipped his woody.

"let's go!" she replied as they both made their way out.

Olivia and Logan got closer over the year. While she reminded him Jay, Logan was kind of replacing Olivia's big brother. They both got along extremely well. They never spent a day without seeing each other, whether it is at Molly's on week or the weekend.

"You know I can't spend all of my time with you…" he said breathless as the were running side by side.

"why's that?" she replied.

"Because I have other things to do than babysitting a little girl like you!"

She pushed him on the shoulder "you're an ass!"

Logan loved spending time with Olivia. But he's been assigned to an undercover mission, which means he couldn't spend his time with people close to him or they could blow up his cover or even get involved. He needed to start finding excuses to push her away for a few weeks or find some distraction to her. Then it hit him. He needed Mark.

After a year, Mark and Olivia were still at the same statues, friends. Olivia was working a lot this year. And she couldn't allow herself some distraction. As for Mark, well it was kind of frustrating him. He was so in love with her and he knew she was feeling the same way about him and the fact that she was pushing him away was pissing him off. So he decided to distance himself from her. They were seeing each other less than often. This is also a reason why she always sticks to Logan.

When they finished their run, Logan walked her back to her apartment before going back to his. Once he arrived he immediately called Mark.

"Hey Mark it's me."

"Hey…" Mark replied with a small voice.

"you fine buddy?"

"do you know what day we are today?" Mark asked.

"September the 2nde why? Man are you okay?!" Logan asked concerned.

Then a long silence imposed itself between the two friends. Logan was confused. So he tried to think about this date. Then it hit him.

"I'm coming!" he hanged up, took his jacket and walked out to join Mark at Molly's.

Logan felt so ashamed not remembering this date. Today was the day Mouse died. It has been a year since they lost him.

When he arrived at Molly's, he has lost all of his joy of the day. He sat at bar and welcomed the drink Mark was pouring him.

It was hurting. Really hurting them. They felt almost guilty for having some happy moment over this year while their friend was dead. That's when they realized it. Unconsciously they were back on grieving.

"It shouldn't be this hard." Mark said as he drank in one gulp his glass welcoming the burn of the liquor in his throat. Logan nodded.

"Yeah…" he replied with a shaking voice before he finished his drink as well. Mark poured him another and Logan looked up, staring at his friend. Mark peeked at him while he was pouring himself another drink.

"What?" he asked confused.

"I never got to say thank you" Logan finally admitted. Mark looked up with questioning eyes.

"For what?"

"For never abandoning me… After Afghan' you stayed with me, you helped me even when you needed as much helped as I needed. You always put me first. For never leaving like Jay did…" Logan was so angry at Jay for leaving and never coming back. It's been a year now and he understood he would never see Jay again. And if he would, he didn't know if he could forgive him. Jay has lost hope when they needed it most. He left when they needed him most. They had to figure things out without him. They had no idea where he was or what he was and Mark spent the day drinking, in honor of Mouse. They remembered the good parts as well as the bad parts of their life spending together.

Erin tried to reach Logan all day, but he never answered her. He knew she was aware that today was THE day. But he wasn't in a mood to talk to anybody, except for Mark. Only him knew what he was living through, because he was living the same thing.

A few moments after, Molly's been filled up. It was the middle of the day so this was kinda of surprising Mark and Logan.

Erin who hasn't got news from Logan decided to go for him. First she stopped at his apartment but quickly understood it was empty. So she directly headed at Molly's knowing Logan would spend the day with Mark.

When she reached the bar, she looked around to see him, playing darts alone. She realized he was drunk. So she made her way to him and stopped just behind.

"You okay?" she asked with her husky voice.

Logan looked over his shoulder.

"What makes you think I'm not okay?" he replied as he turned back to go withdraw his darts from the target.

"Well, you are day drunk… it's not exactly your most attractive look." She replied as she crossed her arms. She was concerned about him.

"Huh?" he turned back to look at her. He titled his eyes on the right. "What is my most attractive look?" he stepped closer to her, looking at her with his piercing eyes and his charming smile.

"uh uh" She uncrossed her arms to stop him from getting any closer to her. "I'm not saying you have any attractive look… I'm just saying this my least favorite one…" She looked up at him.

"Noted, I'll see if I can make improvements" he replied with a smirk. He turned back and in the same second, he threw a dart on the target which arrived on the center.

"Huh…" he said as he slightly titled his head on the side. He was quite surprised. He looked on his left to see his glass of whiskey. He moved forward to reach it but Erin took it first.

"Okay that's enough! I'll drive your home..." she said as she took his hands and walked him out of the bar, leaving the glass on the bar on their way out.

The drive was silent. Logan was drunk but was still "lucid". As he looked at the beauty of his city, he realized that Mouse was missing something. He always felt guilty about his death. He though that maybe if they had a totally different plan this night, if Logan had a different plan, Mouse would still be alive. Maybe Logan should have prevented Mouse from coming with them. Mouse wasn't a cop, he had no right for coming with Logan and Jay. These latter screwed up. That's was gnawing at Jay and that's why he left. Now it was gnawing at Logan on the inside. Even though he tried his best to hide it, behind his smiles and jokes, Logan had demons too.

Erin often peeked at him during the drive. She wanted to talk to him about how he really felt but she considered that now wasn't the best time. When they arrived in front of his building she helped him walking up to his apartment. Logan just needed some coffee and a hot shower and he would be good. He didn't need to sleep. After all they were on the middle of the day.

Erin walked him until they were in front of his front door. She opened her hands so he could give her his keys. Once she opened the door, she helped him step in.

"you owe me one!" she said as she unwrapped her arms from his waist. Logan laid onto the back of his couch. He frowned.

"Wait I owe you?" he looked up. he was still fuzzy.

"Mhmm!"

"I figured you were just paying me back for pulling your ass from that shooting last week." He got up. He took of his shirt as he was getting ready for the shower.

"Is that what happened?" she crossed her arms.

"Hell yeah!" he chuckled as she would forget it already. "I saved your life. Don't forget it!"

She scoffed as she unwrapped her arms.

Logan lowered his hands on his jeans button. Erin looked at him doing so. She raised one of her eyebrow.

"are you staying for the shower?" he smirked as he unbuttoned it. Erin quickly looked up to meet his playful and inviting eyes.

"You're disgusting!" she said as she turned around "If you need anything else, don't call me!" she said as she walked out.

Logan chuckled. He knew she would react like that.

"You have no self control" he said out loud, half laughing.

Erin smiled as she heard him. His jokes were making her smile, again…She was glad Logan was here, as a partner and as a friend. After Jay's departure she wasn't the same person. And Logan was making her shine again. That's what she liked about him.

The next day, Logan had to wake up early since he was in undercover. The team was working on Ghovat. He was an Israeli counterfeiter. They all called him the ghost since a very few knows him.

 _"_ _Okay. What happened Tara?" Logan asked as he entered in the interrogation room and sat in front of the victim._

 _"_ _I was at a party…" she began to say._

 _"_ _Why were you there?"_

 _"_ _It was a sponsored party. I'm a member of these kind of nights…" This week was the fashion week. A lot of models were walking in the streets with the new collections of great fashion designer._

 _"_ _So what happened?"_

 _"_ _It happened as I was leaving, when I went for my coat. I was in the back room when the two men came in. They were arguing..."_

 _"_ _They didn't see you?"_

 _Tara shook her head "I made sure to keep out of sight. In the closet. They started shouting at each other. Then suddenly everything went very… quiet. The man who called himself Ghovat, I heard him leaving. When I walked out, that's when I saw the other man. He was on the floor already dead."_

 _"_ _Okay. Our men are going to stay with you for now. But if you need anything, day or night, you feel free to call me." He slides a business card across the table. "If you heard this man again, do you think you could identify him?"_

 _"_ _I will never forget his voice as long as I live."_

 _Logan went back to the investigating room with everyone else._

 _"_ _We ID the dead guy?" Voight asked._

 _"_ _Foreign national out of Turkey, known associate of Ghovat." Ruzek was writing it on the board._

 _"_ _Logan?!" Voight said_

 _"_ _huh?" Logan looked up at Voight._

 _"_ _you're going undercover! I want this guy out of my streets!"_

It's been a week since they were on this case and even if they made some small progress, they weren't enough to find Ghovat. This guy was really hard to find. He needed more information. He needed to know what he was up too, where he was hiding. There was no way nobody could identify him physically. Logan was working really hard on this case. He was so invested. Maybe a little too much. He hadn't much luck to find clues on where Ghovat could be. All he knew was that Ghovat had something to do with the fashion week. Ghovat loves it and more particularly models. But he still has no clue on what is his role in there. All they had was a dead body during a fashion party. Logan first thoughts were that one of Ghovat's selling went wrong and killed his buyer.

"Come on, just a little hint." Logan asked the woman he was kissing all around her neck and mouth.

"I don't know anything" she moaned. Her hands were everywhere; tugging at his shirt, running through his hair, at the nape of his neck. With heavy breathes, the girl had one hand gripping the steel frame of the shelf and the other pulled tight around Logan's shoulders.

She felt impossibly hot as his fingertips dipped beneath the material of her shirt, meeting soft skin. He moved to kiss her again, juddering them both and shaking the shelf on which they were both pressed against.

"Oh you girls are all so monstrously secretive!" Logan smiled as he looked at the girl "Lucky for me, I'm quite gifted at unraveling the truth" he said as he went back at kissing her but this time he bent down to kiss her chest then her belly. The girl's breathing became heavier and heavier.

"Okay! There is a party tomorrow night." the girl gave up. Logan secretly rolled his eyes. It was about time. He continued to kiss her so she would continue to give him more information.

"Ghovat will be there. I don't know the reason but I heard he was there for business, selling some things or I don't know what…" she stopped. Logan looked up "see? You did know something!" he smiled as he got up to kiss her again.

"I just wanted you to work for it" she admitted before going in to kiss him again.

When the two of them got out from the bar, the woman kissed him one last time and Logan quickly reciprocate the kiss before stepping back. "Call me when you are free!" she said with a wink. Logan just smiled at her before watching her leave. After a moment, he relaxed and turned around go back to his car. When he looked up, he saw Erin leant on it, her arms crossed, one of her eyebrow raised with a smug smile. It's been 4 days since they didn't see each other. While the whole team was working at the office, Logan was working on the field. It was his undercover mission so he needed to be the one to work in the streets.

"Please tell me it was worth it…" she said chuckling as she motioned at the girl leaving.

"Well if by that you mean where Ghovat will be tomorrow night, then yes, it was worth it!" He smiled.

Erin's eyes went wide. "Really?" she asked. He nodded with a satisfied smile. Erin looked relived. They had finally a clue.

"come on I'll drive you to the district" she said as she began to walked toward the driver seat.

"Wait this is my car!" he lost his smile. "My car, my rules. I'm driving."

Erin scoffed. "No you are not" she said as she entered the car, waiting for Logan to take his seat on the passenger side. While Erin was driving, Logan peeked a few times at Erin, disturbing Erin.

"What?" she asked annoyed by his silence.

"I heard you declined the task force." He finally spoke.

Erin never told anyone that she received an offer to the task force except for Voight. She didn't want to tell anyone since she wasn't sure if she would take it. And she didn't. So she didn't have to inform the team. She was kind of surprised Logan knew about that.

"And I heard that you were a lurker who was spying on my life."

"You should reconsider it." He said as he looked through the window. "Looks can only get a girl so far these days"

Erin chuckled at his sassy comment.

"Well I'm not taking feminist tips from a guy who just use his tongue to get secrets out from girls."

Logan laughed. "I haven't had sex for two months and I'm starting to be…"

"Hungry?" she finished his sentence. She was thinking at the sexual side of the term Hungry. Logan quickly understood it. "Yeah!" he sighed. The girl with whom he just had a moment was a distraction.

"So what did you learn form this girl" Erin asked.

"well she enlightened a few things for me. Assuming our ghost's got something to sell, fashion week's a great cover. And I know where he'll be tomorrow night"

"you do realize that there will be a lot of people over there. And that we don't know how he looks like…"

"Yes but you are forgetting that we've got someone who can identify his voice!" he said on the same ton. Erin looked at him as she realized he wanted to involve the witness in their searches.

"No way! We don't bring her there. It's to dangerous. He could recognize her."

"He never saw her; she was hidden in the closet! We've never been this close to Ghovat. We can't not bring her there"

Erin sighed. She knew Voight wasn't gonna like the idea.

Surprisingly, Voight agreed. Two more bodies had been found since. Models this time. He agreed but with few conditions. Logan wouldn't be less than a meter away from her, the whole team would be there, some of them in a truck and other at the party and as soon as they find Ghovat, the witness is taking away. They all nodded and everyone went home to be prepared for tomorrow night. This was gonna be a big one.

The next day, they all joined early at work, preparing the details of everyone's cover. While Ruzek was barman, Atwater was a waiter, Logan and Erin were guests, Voight, Olinsky and Antonio would be in the truck recording everything.

Once all the details were set up, they all went to the locker room to take a shower and to change.

While Erin and Ruzek were talking, Logan stepped out from the shower, a towel around his waist. He headed toward his locker, passing by Erin and Ruzek.

"Yeah but that's for…" Erin was speaking to Adam as she looked at Logan. Logan stopped in front of his locker and put some deodorant, looking at Erin. She raised her eyebrows and quickly looked back at Ruzek. She was so destabilized she didn't know what she was talking about with him.

"Whatever…" was all she said to Ruzek. This latter put his things in his locker and left the room. Logan was still in his towel, doing nothing to put something on.

"What happened, you've lost your clothes?" Erin asked.

"No they are right here!" He pointed the inside of his locker with an amazed smile.

Erin looked elsewhere, smiling as well. "well I'm gonna take my shower! So don't fell obligated to keep this little show of yours going'"

Logan laughed as he looked at her walking toward the shower cabins.

When she stepped out in turn, Logan was already dressed in his nicest suit. This was a fashion party so he couldn't mess it up. Erin decided to play his little game he just played earlier. She put her towel around her and took all of her time dressing up. She could see Logan peering at her from behind.

"You know, if I'm gonna get dress you need to stop staring…" she said and even if she couldn't see his face, she knew he was blushing.

He cleared his throat as he looked elsewhere "I um… I'll leave you the room." He closed his locker and walked out from the room. She let out a little laugh and got dress.

When every one arrived at the party, they all took their respective spot. Voight, Olinsky and Antonio were in a truck outside, looking at the party that the cameras were filming. Everyone had an earpiece to keep in touch.

The party was taking place in a gigantesque house with a wonderful garden equipped of a swimming pool. There were people inside and outside.

Logan was walking in the house with Tara at his arm. "Doing okay?" Logan asked Tara. He could feel she was very anxious and tensed. "Come on, you're the most beautiful girl here, I want to see your smile." He tried to ease the tension so she could be more natural. She smiled at him which was making him smile. Logan had everything under control.

Voight was looking through the camera and something caught his attention. He took his radio and began to speak at Logan.

 _"_ _Logan, straight ahead, red shirt, dark jacket. He seems pretty jumpy for a guy to be at a party filled with models."_

Erin who was at the party, not so far from Logan and Tara, tried to search for the man in question. He was at the bar, indeed a little bit on the edge. "Let's, uh, let's mingle." Logan said to Tara.

He began to walk naturally toward the bar to command some drinks. He took the opportunity to approach him.

"Excuse me. Hi. I saw you looking around. Can I help you find someone? I know almost everybody here, except for you Mister...?"

"Dmitri."

"Dmitri."

 _"_ _Write down that name, Dmitri." Voight ordered to Olinsky._

"I'm just, uh, admiring the view." He motioned his head toward the models present at the party.

"Beautiful crowd, right?" Logan tried to talk as much as possible so Tara could identify his voice.

"Quite stunning." Dmitri said as his phone rang "Excuse me." He walked away.

"Yes." Logan replied as he watched him leave.

Then Logan looked at Tara. She shook her head. "It isn't him. I don't recognize his voice."

"No dice, Serg', not our voice." Logan said to Voight.

 _"_ _All right." Voight replied through the earpiece._

When Dmitri answered his phone, he began to speak Hebrew.

"Wait, he's speaking Hebrew." Tara said as she tried to understand what he was saying.

"What's he saying?" Logan asked her naturally to not draw the attention toward them. Tara looked discreetly at Dimitri.

"He's saying: I'm waiting, where are you?" her eyes went wide. "Ghovat, he's here, he's watching him." Tara fully turned to Logan "Ghovat's here."

"Sergeant, he's here, he's watching Dmitri right now."

 _"_ _I got it."_

Logan looked at Erin and this latter immediately knew what she had to do. So she walked toward Dimitri and began to flirt with him.

"Hi, I'm sorry, you just look really familiar." She began to spoke.

Logan arrived in a rush near them and bumped into Dimitri swiping his phone "Sorry." Logan said before walking away with a satisfy smile and Dimitri's phone in his hand.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Erin continued her talk.

"I don't know… Where do you work?" Dimitri titled his head on the side looking up and down at the beautiful woman in front of him.

Logan who was not far behind Dimitri hold up this latter's phone so Erin could know. When she saw it she looked back at Dimitri with a smile. "Actually, I think you're right, I think I don't know you. I'm sorry." And she walked away, leaving Dimitri perplexed.

Logan dialed the last number and looked around watching who would answer. He heard a phone ringing so turned around and finally found Ghovat. This latter looked confused, looked up to see Logan looking at him. His eyes went wide and began to run away, pushing away the people on his way out. "oh oh" Logan said as he quickly followed. Logan went down rapidly and reached the garden where he lost Ghovat. There was to much people. He looked around but couldn't see anything. He looked up at the balcony where Erin was, looking from up there to down there. When she caught Ghovat she spoke trough the earpiece to Logan. "On the right side of the swimming pool"

When Ghovat though he was melt into the crowd, Logan arrived by behind and tackled him to fall into the swimming pool. Everyone stepped back while Erin and Ruzek arrived. As for Atwater he took Tara to put her in a safe place.

Ghovat tried to defend himself by punching Logan on the face. He had a signet ring on his fingers, scratching Logan's face. But Erin and Ruzek took out their gun and pointed them at Ghovat who just raised his hands up. Logan took the handcuffed Erin handed him and put them on Ghovat before leading him out from the swimming pool.

"it's over" Logan whispered with a threatening voice at Ghovat.

Ruzek took charge of Ghovat while Logan tried to get his breath back.

"you okay?" Erin asked as she looked at Logan's scratch on the face.

Logan put his fingers on the scratch and could feel some blood running out but it wasn't that bad. "Yeah!"

When everyone met Voight Olinsky and Antonio on the outside, there were already a lot of police cars waiting for the culprit.

"Nice job Logan!" Voight said with his hands placed into his jacket.

Logan only nodded. When they all drove back, they interrogate Ghovat but this latter wouldn't say anything but hi wanting to have a lawyer. It was late and they wouldn't get any confession from him. So they all went home after that.

When Logan arrived at his place, he took care of his injury by disinfecting it and sticking an adhesive dressing. After that, he took his car keys and drove at his favorite Chinese restaurant to take a takeaway meal. Then he droved at Erin's figuring out she might be hungry to.

When Erin heard a knock at her door she was surprised. She wasn't expecting anyone tonight and frankly she just wanted to rest. She even put some music to relax herself.

So she stood up and walked toward her front door. When she opened it she saw Logan looking from the corridor to finally lay his eyes on her. He raised up his left hand to show her the Chinese food.

"I figured out you might be hungry after today…" he smirked. He remembered their last talk about being _sexually hungry_ even if he didn't want to make allusion to that when he was just talking about being hungry as to eat some food. He kind of laughed interiorly. It was just a joke he knew she would understand. And she did. She laughed and stepped back to let him in. Erin bought a pack a beer before she went home. She put it on the coffee table while they sit on the couch to eat. During their dinner, they talked about everything. They drank, laughed, teased each other. But they mostly laughed, they didn't laugh like that for a long long time, the both of them. It felt good. Okay maybe they were a little drunk but they didn't care. They finally wrapped their case and they had a day off tomorrow.

After their meal, while Erin was cleaning the dishes, Logan stayed to the living room and turned the volume of the music up. He smiled and made his way to the kitchen.

"You want to dance with me?" he asked smiling.

"No" she replied chuckling as she was still cleaning.

"Why do you make it so hard for me to flirt with you?" he asked, frowning.

"Because If I made it easy, you wouldn't flirt anymore" she replied instantly. When she realized what she has just said under the alcohol she raised her head and closed her eyes. She felt so dumb. She turned around and looked at him. "I shouldn't have said that. Sorry."

But Logan wasn't gonna let this go. So he moved forward very slowly. Erin looked at him confused.

 _"_ What are you doing" she chuckled but there was some anxiety in her voice.

"I'm walking toward you real slow" he said as he continued to walk toward her.

"Why?" she tried to step back but was stopped by the counter behind her.

"Because if I ran, I'd scare you" he was looking deep into her eyes. He wasn't joking anymore. He was getting closer and closer. Their faces were inches from one another. Erin looked back and forth to his eyes and his mouth. Logan looked at her steadily. He was about to kiss her but she instantly slapped him on the face. His face moved back with a little laugh and she put her hands on her mouth realizing what she has just done. She didn't mean to slap him like that. She just needed him to stop.

"oh my god, I am so sorry!" she said.

Logan chuckled. "No! I guess I deserved it!" he said.

"No you didn't. I just. You know we can't!"

"but you want to…"

She didn't say anything for a moment. She just looked at him. Then she shook her head and looked elsewhere. "It doesn't matter!". As soon as she said this Logan stepped forward again but this time much more quickly so she wouldn't have time to reject him again.

Erin momentarily lost her breath as Logan slipped one arm around her waist as the other hand was placed on her cheek. He pulled her close and kissed her. She immediately reciprocated the kiss.

They kissed passionately. He could feel her deep breathes as she anticipated his kisses on her neck. Taking off his shirt, Erin's fingers fell to the grooves of his abs and then the grooves leading to his pelvic area. Then Logan broke apart so he could take her shirt of and unbutton her jeans while he leant in to kiss her again. She was now in underwear and he still had his jeans on. She wrapped her legs tight around his waist, pulling him closer while he spun her around, carrying her to her room. He laid her down on her bed and pulled himself on top of her. After that he quickly lost his jeans and their underwear.

When Erin woke up, she was facing a sleepy Logan. She was on her belly and so was he. He had his left arm on her back. She was fully conscious of what happened. She was so scared of what might happen next. Between the two of them, between them and Voight. But for now she decided to put aside all of these uncertainties and stay in bed with him. She stroked his cheek and smiled as he frowned, still with his eyes closed. He slightly opened his eyes which were adjusting themselves to the sunlight. She could see a smile appearing on his face and she could feel his fingers stroking her nude back. She moved closer to kiss him gently which he reciprocate. Then her stomach started to grumble. He chuckled.

"I see you are still hungry…" he smirked.

"Shut up!" she laughed.

She got up, and made her way to the shower. As for Logan he stayed in bed, put an arm behind his head and looked at the ceiling. He was so happy. They finally made the first step. And he knew everything was gonna change. But he also knew it will be fine. Well, he hoped so.

Erin was happy as well. Logan and her were very closed and she knew deep inside that this was gonna end up like this. But she still had this feeling that she didn't have the right to do this. She didn't know why. Something was bothering her. Yes, there was Voight but there was something else too. But she decided to drop it and to live and enjoy fully her life.

She has been through so much these past years that she needed to have some happiness for once. And she didn't care what Voight would say.


	29. Chapter 29

**I really want to explore, first, the relationship between Logan and Erin. I mean I want to make everything possible for you to like Logan. He's not a bad a guy, he's funny and kind. He's just suffering a bit on the inside. Plus, I love jealousies. Don't worry… I also prefer Linstead. )**

 ** _Two years later._**

"Come on Logan wake up!" Erin said as she sat next to him on the bed.

"What time is it?" Logan groaned as he looked at his watch with difficulty.

"Hum half past we are late" she replied as she got up and dressed up.

"let's just quite. You and me! We quite intelligence and we leave far far away…" he said with hope in his voice. Erin smiled.

"Do you even know how many time you asked me that? Every morning when we wake up!"

Logan groaned and put a pillows on his face to go back to sleep.

"Get out of here! I'll do some coffee!" she said. But as she was about to walk out from the room Logan straightened up, grabbed her arm and pulled her on the bed to kiss her.

When Logan and Erin arrived on the crime scene, they saw a woman, sitting on a chair. They could only see her back from where they were. She had blood everywhere. She seemed to be tortured.

"What happened?" Logan asked as he looked at the victim from behind.

"A lot of weirdoes out there with too much imagination is what happened." Antonio claimed. Logan walked around the victim to be face to face with her. He kneeled down to watch her more precisely.

"So was she electrocuted?" Erin asked as she saw the foot of the victim in a basin of water with some electric wire.

"Yeah but that's not the cause of death. Her throat was cut and the rest of this if I had to guess, I'd say she was tortured."

"Why? Who is she?" Erin asked.

"Shauna Taylor, 27. She is a patrol officer from our district." Ruzek spoke.

"Yes I know her…" Logan said as he titled his head on the side. "she started working here like two hears ago…"

"I've never met her before…" Erin said shamed in her voice.

"yeah me neither…" Antonio added.

"Okay I want everyone to start working on this. I want to know everything form her. Family, boyfriend, who she locked up, if someone threatened her…" Voight told everybody. "this is our family that has been touch. This is our priority"

Everyone nodded and drove back to the district to begin the work.

"neighbors didn't hear anything probably because she was gagged. But the guy who called it in said that he saw a guy leaving the apartment around 5:30 a.m. said the dud had fresh blood on him. Atwater's got our witness with the sketch artist now." Olinsky said as he arrived in the room.

The whole team drove back to the district and began to make their research on the victim.

"So I checked every man that Shauna put handcuffed on but none of them looked like this sketch." Atwater stuck the drawing of the man that the witness saw.

"So it's quite possible this had nothing to do with her job?

"hey, got some news." Ruzek said as he stood up form his desk and headed toward the printer. "Couple night ago, Shauna filed a harassment complaint. Apparently, three days ago, a guy confronted Shauna on her way home from work. She managed to get away and duck inside her building, but when she looked out her window, he was still out there waiting for her, so she called the cops." Ruzek said.

"Did they pick him up?" Voight asked.

"Yeah! He didn't have an I.D and he was pretty much off his rocker so they put him on a 72-hour psych hold. They I.D him during his hold. His name is Patrick Hudsford, and…" Ruzek approached from the board and stuck a picture of the man near the sketch. It was the same person.

"He was released early this morning."

"get over the psych ward. Pull his records. We need to find out who this man is." Voight said.

The team stood in front of Antonio's computer, looking at the recording of the man.

 _"_ _You do not understand. We are running out of time. I need to get out of here. You have to let me go!" Patrick yelled._

 _"_ _why do you feel you need to go." The psychiatrist asked him calmly._

 _"_ _come on I told you! I-I, she is in danger"_

 _"_ _who is in danger?"_

 _"_ _you're not even listening to me! Shauna Taylor!" Patrick yelled again. "All I know is 12-58. That is all they told me, okay? that is how it stars, and if you are not letting me out, they are all dead. The 21 district will disappear. You understand me? Dead!"_

Everyone looked confused.

"Who the hell is this guy" Logan broke the silence.

"should we believe him or…" Ruzek asked a little bit perplexed.

"The doctors and psychiatrist diagnosis him as mentally hill." Erin added.

"Somebody find me this psycho." Voight asked as he walked in his office and slammed the door behind him. Everyone looked at each other very confused and worry at the same time.

"Maybe by saving her he just meant killing her because of… a desire of revenge. I mean a witness saw him leaving the crime scene with fresh blood on him…" Erin told Logan. He was driving while Erin was on the passenger side. She finally let him drive. She never knew what made her giving up her seat.

"He's mentally ill, he doesn't know the difference between saving and killing."

"Anyway who's this CI you want to meet?"

"He's a former cop! He has some 'friends' that might help us to learn more about this…"

Erin nodded then looked through the window. The car stopped at the red light. She suddenly caught a face she thought she would never see again. She squinted her eyes to see if she was hallucinating or if he was really this person. He was having what seemed like a serious conversation. But still he was very far from her and she couldn't confirm this was him. Then a bus passed by and then the man disappeared.

"are you okay?" Logan asked her as he realized she seemed frustrated.

"Hm?" she turned around to look at him. "Yeah I just…" she looked back through the window.

"nothing" she added in a low voice. Then the car started again. She leant back her back on the seat and frowned perturbed. It was just her imagination.

Logan's CI told them he would ask around for more information but that he indeed heard some rumors about it. Logan was quite disappointed. He thought he would come back with something more solid to tell his team, but nothing. When they came back to the district, everyone was working on the case, writing on the board. It was quite noisy. Even downstairs all the patrolmen heard the rumors that everyone in district 21 would disappear. But except for 2 patrolmen everyone was loyal to the district and decided to stay to help.

Voight who noticed that the team seemed concerned about the rumors, trying to know if this was true or not, decided to appease them all.

"This is district 21, one of the safest place we can be. This guy is a psycho; all he says is a lie!" Voight tried to relax his team. "go back to work and find him!"

Atwater was on the phone and when he hung up he looked at his team "they found two more dead cops, in the streets."

Voight looked at him and his jaw clenched. The rest of the team were chocked by the news. This wasn't a joke. This guy might has said the truth.

Voight walked back into his office and when he sat on his chair, his phone started to buzz. He looked at it and frowned. This was unexpected. He looked back at his team who was working. He got up and answered the phone.

"this is a bad timing, so be quick" was all Voight said before he closed the door of his office.

While Erin was working on his computer, she looked through Voight office to see him quite agitated. She saw him hanging up and taking his vest to exit his office and making his way toward the stairs.

"Is everything okay" she asked concerned.

"Continue to work, I have to meet someone…" he told them vaguely.

Voight was in his car waiting for his meeting. When he heard the passenger door being open, he turned his head to see a man entering his car. The two of them remained silent for a moment. The man was looking in front of him, through the hood while Voight was looking at him. Then this latter decided to break the silence.

"So?"

the man turned his head to look at Voight.

"So you are in danger. You and every one from the 21 district. I heard it from New York. You need to fix this mess."

"Tell me something I don't know…"

"When I heard it, I took the first plane and began to make my own research, asking around"

"asking around huh?!"

"Believe me or not but I still have a lot of reliable CI here in Chicago"

"so what did you learn?"

"well… I heard a number 12-"

"12-58, yeah I know. What else?!" Voight asked impatiently.

"well this number has been set up by a gang… god this gang is hum…" the man stopped talking.

"Is what?! Listen I don't have all the time I would like to have, if you know what I'm talking about. I have a threat on the 21's heads so if you could just go to the point I would appreciate it"

"this gang has been created a few months ago. They don't mess around. So I asked around and I could ID some of them. But the men who gave me this information, they risked their lives. This isn't a gang like any other gang you've worked on. Once I ID them, I searched for a link between all of them. Each one of them has a member of family that has been taken away from them or put in prison because of district 21. This gang is regrouping every member who want revenge from you guys. This is serious Voight."

"How many are they?"

"I ID 7 but I believe they are more than that. It's hard to say but I would say between 10 and 15 members"

"So now that we know who they are, we can track them…"

"That's no that easy… I tried, believe me, I tried to find them. But it's nearly Impossible. One of my CI, my best one, is very comfortable when it comes to gangs. He knows everyone and everything. He tried to enter the gang but was rejected. They know how to proceed. They are very well entrained. They know how to hide and how to move without being see. Having their names isn't enough."

Voight didn't speak for a moment. He was on the edge. All of this was becoming to take a dramatic turn.

"do you have the files of the ones you could ID?"

The man took out from his jacket a USB file and gave it to Voight. "Everything you need to know is in there…"

"Thank you…" Voight looked at the man sitting next to him. This latter nodded. He was about to leave the car when Voight stopped him.

"It's good to have you back here in Chicago Halstead…" He said.

Jay turned around to look at Voight. "I'm not staying here for long. I'm just helping you guys than I'll leave when everything will be over"

"you still have your place in the intelligence you know" Voight replied.

Jay nodded. "I'll get in touch if I know anything else" he said before he opened the car's door and walked away.

Voight drove back to the district and climbed the stairs in a rush.

"Boss, they just found the body of Patrick Hudsford, dead…" Logan said.

Voight's jaw clenched again. This was beginning to piss him off. They had 4 deaths.

"Okay I got something!" he said before making his way to Antonio's desk and putting the USB key in the computer. The flies of everyone from the gang that Jay succeed to ID appeared.

"How did you got that" Erin asked.

Voight was about to reply but quickly shut his mouth. Maybe he shouldn't reveal his source or the team would be distracted. And if Jay didn't want to stay in Chicago there was no reason to tell them and perturb them. So he shrugged his shoulders in a nonchalant way "Just a CI".

But Erin noticed he was acting weirdly. She looked at him intensely but Voight avoid her glare and looked at the files with everyone. Then she looked back at the computer as well thinking she would need to have a conversation with him.

"Okay now you have everything you need to deepen the research and found each one of them. I want these guys out of my streets!" Voight said before he walked in his office.

Erin decided to follow him. She closed the door behind her and Voight seemed surprised to see her in his office.

"How can I help you"

"okay first you receive a call that seemed to perturb you, then you leave us in a rush, and you come back an hour later with a lot of information… What is going on here…"

"I just have a good CI Erin" Voight sat on his chair. But Erin didn't believe him. There was something in his tone that made her believe he was lying to her.

"Okay… we are supposed to be a team here. To share everything. And you are lying to us!"

"Because I'm the boss." He replied like it was an evidence for him to not tell everything to his team. Erin crossed her arms and threw a glare at Voight.

"Look Erin… there are things that I can't tell you. That's how it works. Now if I consider that some things need to be say I'll say them to you but for now you have to be patient."

"But…" she was cut off by her boss.

"there is no but I" himself was cut off by a voice behind his office.

" _Jay?"_ Ruzek asked as he saw the man climbing the stairs.

Voight looked behind Erin as Erin turned around to look through Voight's office. She couldn't believe it. She opened the door and slightly stepped out. Her heart began to beat so fast. Voight arrived by behind her. She crossed her arms, looking at Jay intensely without any expression on her face. This latter couldn't look at her more than 3 seconds. She had so angriness in her, which she couldn't express right know, that it was killing her from the inside. 3 years since he left and 3 years since she was in the shallow concerning his well being. Everybody was. She tried to reach him, she left him thousands messages, she tried to search for him everywhere. She asked everyone imaginable for him. Then one day she realized he didn't want to be found and that, he wouldn't be back. So she went to his apartment. After looking at every little corners, details of his once apartment, she tore it up. A year after, she drove past his apartment and saw his apartment with lights in it. She stopped and knocked to finally find out that it was the new owner. When this latter closed the door, she leant her back to the wall and cried. This was the last time she passed by his apartment, even his street.

Everyone had eyes on Jay and this latter didn't know where to stand. Logan had his arms crossed, he was shocked but didn't want to show it. He looked angry tough. The last time he saw Jay, Logan begged him to stay but he left anyway, not even trying to listen what his best friend had to say. He left everyone behind him.

Nobody knew what to say or what do to, so everyone just stood there, in silence.

"I-um…" he began to say but everyone was looking at him so intensely he was destabilized. "I have news for your case…" Jay looked at Voight.

Erin's eyes went wide. He was the one that Voight met earlier. How could he hide something like that to her? She let out a gasp, uncrossed her arms and turned around to look at Voight right in the eyes. She slightly shook her head, expressing her disappointment. Voight and her looked at each other for a few seconds before Erin walked out. She passed by Jay without giving him a single look than walked down the stairs. Jay looked behind him watching her leave. He knew she would be mad at him. But he didn't know it would be this hard to see her totally ignoring him.

He turned back to Voight and walked forward.

"I know you guys have a lot of questions and I promise I'll answer each one of them, but for now we need to concentrate on this case. I just found my CI, dead. We need to catch them before anyone else die here." Jay was definitely worry about the 21 district.

"We" Logan asked rising an eyebrow.

"Yeah! I might have a plan…"

"what are you suggesting?" Voight asked.

"I enter the gang" he proposed as he made one stepped forward.

"You told me it was nearly impossible to enter it. Even your guy has been rejected."

"because he had no cause to enter…"

"but what if I had?"

"What do you mean?"

Jay walked toward the board and looked at every member of the gang. "each one of them has lost someone due to this district. If we create me a fake file in which we indicate that CPD has killed my fiancé or friend in action, they'll let me in."

"Are you sure this is this simple…" Antonio asked.

"We gotta try… I think they are gonna speed up the massacre. We need to act now…"

"Ruzek create me this file. Create Mouse's too." Voight ordered him.

When Jay and Logan heard mouse's name, they winced. It's been a while since they heard this name.

"Yeah, ensure we don't know he worked for CPD and that it is a cop who shot him… they'll believe it" Jay added.

"Halstead my office…" Voight ordered as he turned around to enter it. Jay followed him while everyone looked at him doing so, still chocked by his appearance.

"Are you sure you can't handle this?" he leant on his desk.

"I do Voight!"

"How long has it been since you hold a gun?!"

"It doesn't matter. I've been trained to never forget."

Voight looked at him, he didn't seem convince.

"If you have a better plan right know I am all ears"

Voight didn't reply at first, he kept looking at Jay. "Okay…" he pushed himself away from his desk. "Ruzek is making your file and then you can go…"

"thanks Voight!"

10 minutes after, the fill was made up. Jay was ready to start his undercover. It's been a while since he didn't go undercover or work the police so he was quite anxious. Plus, this gang wasn't messing around.

Logan tried several times to reach Erin on the phone but she never answered them.

Jay could tell Logan was on the edge. Erin wasn't answering, this case was making everyone nervous and Jay's come back was definitely the last thing he expected.

"You okay?" Jay asked him.

Logan looked up from his phone to meet Jay standing in front of his desk. "Why do you even care?" he replied coldly. Jay knew Logan would be angry at him for leaving.

"Listen Logan I…"

"No you listen. You bailed on us Jay! All of us!" Logan motioned his head toward his whole team who were listening at them. Jay looked at them as well. Nobody said something to contradict Logan. Jay looked back at Logan. "I looked you in the eyes Jay and I begged you to stay and you turned your back on me like it was nothing". They looked at each other for a moment. "so no, you don't come back after 3 years of radio silence and ask me if I am okay!" he took his vest and walked away. Jay looked at him leaving and then turned around to see that the rest of the team was still looking at him waiting for an explanation.

"I'm sorry I bailed on you guys and I… it's just… I felt sad, I felt… like …everything was turning against me, when I was only trying to do the right thing. I blamed myself for a lot of things and I just sat there, doing nothing but drinking… So I left." He looked at his old team "I'm sorry."

Two days after, the team was working on the gang again. Erin has been briefed about the undercover thing. They were just waiting for update from him.

"That's it! Jay entered the gang!" Ruzek said as he walked in the room. Everyone looked up from their computer to look at Ruzek. "I just had him on the phone."

"What did he tell you?" Antonio asked.

"He didn't have much time just enough to tell me he made it and that he would see us tomorrow night to give us some more information".

Erin didn't even look at Ruzek. She pretended she was still working on her computer, like she didn't even care.

The next day, at 8 p.m, everyone was waiting for an update from Jay. When this latter arrived he had a file on his hands and made his way toward the board. He stuck on it the faces of the rest of the members they didn't have.

"Here, you have them all here" he turned around and began to make a brief on each one of them, including the one they didn't have.

"And finally we have Amir. He's an Israeli. He has a brother you guys arrested like two years ago… Ghovat?" he looked at them with questioning eyes to see if they remembered him.

"Yeah he took 10 years…" Ruzek said as stepped forward.

"Anything else?" Voight asked even if this was a very good start.

"Yeah. They never met all at the same time or same place. They split up in small group to not be all caught if something goes wrong."

"Damn it…" Voight said tensed. "that's it?".

"For now yeah!" Jay said. "I'm new so they don't really trust me… I'll try to dig a little more"

"Try to find out their next target, when it will happen, who is concerned where they intend to do that!"

Jay nodded.

"Okay I think you can all go home. Good job Halstead."

Erin stood up and walked out from the room without saying a word. Everyone looked at her, and Logan followed her. When Erin arrived on the parking lot, Logan called her name.

"Erin wait…"

She turned around and waited for Logan to catch up with her.

"I'll drove you back." he said.

"No I think it's better if I stay alone tonight…" she replied as she looked at him with soulful eyes.

"You sure?" he asked her as he put one of a lock of hair behind her ear. She smiled. "Yeah, I'll call you…" she said before stepping forward, gripping the material of his vest and bringing him closer to her for a kiss. He kissed her back and then she stepped back. She smiled at him then turned around to walk toward her car.

When Erin arrived her apartment, she began to walked toward the entrance of her building but was stop.

"Erin!" Jay shout out, running toward her.

She immediately recognized the voice and decided not to stop. She began to walk toward her building but Jay quickly catch up. "Wait" he put himself in front of her, preventing her to walk away. She tried to bypass him but he always succeeded to put himself on her way.

"I need to talk to you!" he said as he looked down at her.

"No! you don't speak to me. I don't want to hear one word from your mouth directed at me. You lost the right to my attention when you decided to leave without saying good-bye. Now goodnight Jay!" she tried once again to bypass him but in vain.

"You want to hear me say I made a mistake, huh? Okay, easy, done! I made a mistake three years ago, Erin. I shouldn't have given up. I shouldn't have run away like that."

"But you did." She looked at him right in the eyes. "And I got over it."

Jay looked at her and saw the letter he wrote to her placed in the back pocket of her jeans.

"And yet you still carry my letter with you" he motioned his head toward it.

"Yeah." She took it and look at it "Yeah I keep it. Keep it as a reminder to not trust the wrong people."

Jay looked at it and saw it was still closed. She never read it. She never had the chance to understand why he did all of that. Because everything was in there. Everything he felt 3 years ago was written in there.

"Now if you would excuse me!" she said as she finally bypassed him. He let her go but before she goes he turned around.

"What's the deal between you and Logan?"

She stopped. Of course he saw them on the parking lot. She let out a cold laugh but didn't look back. How dare he to ask this question she thought. She had nothing to justify about. Especially not to him. She decided to not answer and resumed her walk.

Jay just stayed here, hanging alone in the cold, looking at her leaving. Everything that was coming out of his mouth was the steam due to the cold. After a few minutes he turned around and walked away.


	30. Chapter 30

**Hey guys, so here is the new chapter. I know it's been a while since I didn't update but the fact is, I wrote this chapter a while ago but I have so problems publishing it. Indeed, i write my chapters on Microsoft word and then I copy it on the "doc manager". When I submit it, it is published encrypted, coded, with a lot of symbols mixed to my story. So if you guys know how to fix this problem, I'd be grateful. Anyway, for know I sucked to publish it but i had to divide it, so it will be in two chapters. Anyway, I hope you'll like it and I am writing the next chapter with is almost finished.**

The gang has decided to stop the killing for a few days, just to get rid of the cops and to find a new target. Jay never established a contact with the chief of the gang directly. This latter was the one supposed to indicate their next victim. But first, they had to do several researches on their next victim before hitting. Jay had an appointment with several members of the gang in 3 days. Jay had no more contact with them until then.

So he decided it was time to readjust his life in Chicago. It's been 2 days since he came back and he had a few people to see before taking back his undercover mission. Tonight, he decided to join Molly's. He was very anxious about that. How the people would react, did they already know he was here? Would they welcome him well or not? Are they gonna be mad at him? So many questions were playing with his mind. So he took his keys, his jacket and walked out from his hotel room. He had no longer his apartment since he sold it a year after he left. He thought he wouldn't need it anymore. He still had his old car though. It's been a while since he didn't see his city by night. And even if he didn't want to admit it, he missed Chicago. It's been 3 years since he left, and yet, nothing has changed. Well that's what he thought first. When he parked his car on the parking lot, he began to make his way to Molly's. He heard a lot of noise going on in Molly's from where he stood. It seemed that everyone was having fun. So he thought this would be easier for him if anyone was in a good mood. He made his way in and, indeed, it seemed like everyone was enjoying their night. He recognized some faces, some of them were staring at him but he didn't care, they weren't the ones he wanted to see. So he walked forward. He could see Hermann and Gabby were pouring shots to others while Mark was talking to Olivia. Jay was standing a few meters away from the bar. He couldn't move anymore. He was just looking at his sister. God he missed her so much. He looked at her, laughing with Mark, her beautiful smile…

Hermann was the first to caught Jay. His eyes went wide and his mouth was agape. "Jay!" he exhaled with a smile. This made Gabby look up at Hermann. Then she looked at the same direction as him. Then her eyes laid on Jay. She put down her bottle and bypassed the bar. She put a hand on Mark's shoulder on her way and this latter looked at her. She looked confused and surprised. He looked around and saw Jay standing there, with everyone staring at him. Olivia looked up as she heard the noise being reduced. She let out a gasp. She couldn't believe it. Her brother was standing just here, a few meters away from her.

Gabby moved closer and closer to Jay. She had gleaming eyes. Jay looked at her stop in front of him, looking at him very carefully. Then she laughed. He smiled back before she jumped in his arms. God she missed him so much it felt so good to have him in her arms. "You're back" she whispered in his ear. He put her down and looked at her. He just smiled as a response. "since when are you back?" she asked him.

"two days…"

"and you didn't come sooner?!"

"I…" he couldn't say he was undercover because he was still in undercover and he couldn't tell them. So he lied. "I had things to take care of…"

Gabby just nodded. She knew Jay wanted to see his sister. So she turned around and looked at Olivia. This later finished her drink and passed by Jay without looking at him on her way out. Jay looked at her leave, his mouth was slightly opened as if he was about to say something but didn't had time. He knew she would be mad at him. He never called her once in three years. He didn't have the choice. He had to move on and bringing back the past wouldn't help him.

"she will forgive you…" Mark said as he arrived by behind. Jay turned around and looked at his best friends. Mark smiled "hey stranger" was all he said before Jay pulled him into a hug. Jay let out a relieved laugh. It was so good to hold him in his arms; he would miss him so much.

"So you're back for good?!" Mark said as he squeezed Jay's shoulder's.

"I guess so!" he replied half smiling, half laughing. Mark laughed and put Jay back in a hug.

"come on!" Mark said as they find their way on the bar. While Mark was pouring them drinks, Jay looked at him with a smile. He was glad that Mark wasn't mad at him.

Two days later, the gang was still on search for a target, for a plan. Jay had no news about so. And this was making Voight pissed. Everyday he was more and more anxious about the future of this unit. It would have been so much easier if he could just arrest them like that. But first this gang was very god at destroying any clues concerning their murders. And secondly, Jay warned them that they never met at the same spot or same hour.

So Voight decided to take initiatives and called Jay to the district.

When Jay arrived, the whole team was standing in front of the board, discussing about their case. Jay looked a little confused about the reason he was here as he walked toward them. Voight turned around as soon as he heard Jay footsteps coming forward.

"The gang is getting on my nerves so we take charge of this!" He exclaimed.

Jay looked more confused. "Okay…" he said perplexed. He didn't know what Voight meant by that. "So… what are you suggesting?" he asked Voight as he looked at the team. The half of it was still 'ignoring him', avoiding any eyes contact, except for Antonio, Olinsky and Atwater who seemed the most neutral ones. "You are gonna propose a target…" Voight said.

Jay looked back at him. He seemed very surprised by Voight's suggestion. "This way, we can organize ourselves and be more prepared.".

Jay nodded. "Who?" he asked.

"Erin." Voight replied.

Jay's body tensed. He didn't like this idea. But he had to hide it. So he feigned to not care that much and put a smile on his face. "This is gonna be fun! You and me like the old time!". he said with a smirk as he looked at Erin.

Erin looked at him with an eyebrow raised. She wasn't joking at all. Jay could still feel her angriness toward him. She rolled her eyes and looked at Voight. "Why is he necessary again?!" she asked him annoyed. This made Jay laugh. Voight ignored their altercation and decided to concentrate on the mission.

"We have prepared the details of where it will happen and when. Erin and Logan have already been on the field to locate the place" Olinsky added.

Jay looked at all of them. They all seemed determined to do it so if everyone was, so was he.

"Okay then… send me the details" he said as he walked away.

Everyone went back to their desk instantly. Erin pushed herself away from the desk and on her way back to her desk, she looked at Jay leaving. She had no expression on her face but it didn't mean she had no emotions inside of her.

When Jay came back to his hotel room, he called one of the member of the gang to meet. This latter gave him a place and a time to do so.

"What's up man?" the member of the gang asked as he walked toward Jay, leant on his car.

"Well since I haven't been update on your next victim, I thought it was because you didn't find one." Jay said confident. The man in front of him looked at Jay with questioning eyes.

"And so what?! Your job is to wait and follow the instructions! Did you make me come here to tell me that?" the man began to get pissed. Jay stayed straight, no emotions on his face. "No I made you come here because I've made my own researches, you dumb ass! And I found someone!" Jay replied.

"who is it?"

"Erin Lindsay. She is a detective from the Intelligence. I thought instead of shooting meaningless patrolmen, we could move up to the intelligence. They are the one giving orders" Jay said as he gave the man Erin's file, slightly modified from her personal information like her address. The man looked at it and looked up at jay.

"We keep in touch…" was all he said before walking away. Jay looked at him leaving and once he was alone again he took out his phone and sent a text message to Antonio.

 ** _"_** ** _Done. You guys be prepared; they can hit at any moment."_**

Now there was nothing to do but wait for the gang to call Jay for updates.

When Antonio received the text, he informed the team immediately.

He looked at Erin. He could tell she was a little anxious about this, but she knew what she had to do. She got up from her desk and went to the break room. Logan looked at her do so and decided to join her. He just wanted to make sure she was alright with all of this.

"Hey…" he said from behind. Erin looked behind her shoulder and smiled before looking back at her cup of coffee. "Hey…"

"you alright?"

"yeah! You know…" she said as she fully turned around and shrugged her shoulders. She knew he was worried about her.

"I'll be fine…" she said as she looked at him with honest eyes. Logan just nodded.

"anyway… I thought we could talk about…" he looked behind him to make sure no one was listening to them. "About Jay…" he looked at her. Her expression on her face changed completely. It closed instantly. Logan could tell she was getting on the defensive.

"What about him?" she asked.

"I don't know… you tell me? What do you feel about his come back?"

"Nothing. I really don't care."

Logan looked at her intensely, trying to read her face. But she was really difficult to figure her out. So he dropped it for the moment. They would have plenty of time to talk about this when the case would be wrapped up.

Two days after, Jay had been called by the member of the gang. It was 6 pm and the member hadn't said much to Jay. This latter knew that something was going to happen and that he wouldn't have much control over it. So before he left his apartment, he left a voice message to Antonio telling him to be on their guard concerning Erin. Tonight might be the night they decide to hit. When Jay arrived at the meeting point, the member blindfolded him and sat him in his car. They drove approximately 10 minutes before the man stopped the car and walked them in a building. Once inside, the man took off the material on Jay's eyes. They took the stairs and they reached a door. The man looked at him before knocking at the door. Jay had to pretend to be very confident even if he was kind of anxious about not knowing what was all of that about. A few seconds later another man opened the door, looking at the two men standing in front of the door and stepped back to let them in. Once inside, Jay looked at the place. The 10 members of the gang were standing in this place. This was it. He had finally been reunited with the 10 men in the same place, same time. He felt like a piece of his mission has been a success. Now he needed to define the rest of the plan before taking them all down. As he looked at all of them, the chief of the gang appeared from behind.

"So you are the one who had this stupid idea of killing a detective?" he said as he leant his shoulder on a wall. Jay turned around to meet the man speaking to him. Once he did, he smiled. "I guess I am.". He was nervous about his reaction. He really thought this would be a great opportunity for the gang. But the man didn't seem to like the idea. Well, that's what he let appeared on his face. After a few seconds, the man began to laugh.

"I like your style." He said as he tapped Jay's shoulder. This latter let out a small relieved sigh. The chief walked toward a cupboard and got out a bottle of alcohol.

"But… why content ourselves with one detective when we can hit an entire unit?!" he said as he poured himself a drink. Jay's eyes went wide. He hadn't anticipated this.

"well, this would be more complicated than you think…" Jay tried to persuade him in a smooth way.

"Why is that? I had two days to prepare everything and I think we are all ready to do it."

Jay was caught off guard. He didn't know what to say or how to act that wouldn't arise suspicions.

"And how would you proceed?" he asked.

"Well we need to kill them in one moment… so" he looked at everyone "we thought of giving them a little present" he smirked. Jay quickly understood he was talking about a bomb.

"In the district?" he asked.

The chief nodded.

"You do know that you will have to get in the district, full of cops. You'll be caught before you have a chance to hide the bomb"

"Why are you so pessimist Jay?" the chief asked.

"There is pessimism and there is realism"

"I agree. But don't worry, we have a plan…" he smiled.

This wasn't going as planed. He needed to inform Voight. But in this room full of threats around him, looking at him, he couldn't.

"when?" Jay asked.

"In two hours, the time we organize ourselves" he replied.


	31. Chapter 31

"Wait! what?" Jay said abruptly. "you can't do that today! Nobody is ready. You don't know how difficult it will be to enter the district without any suspicion and hide your little bomb. We need more time. At least a day to figure things out. You-"

"calm down Jay" the chief laughed. "Everyone is ready; everyone knows what they need to do. It's happening today!"

Jay could feel the blood coursing through his veins. His heart began to race and was short of breath. This couldn't be happening. There was no way he would let that happen. He came back from New York to save this team. He couldn't leave Chicago again without knowing that his team was safe and sound, all of them.

Jay nodded to not seem suspicious. But he had to find a way to inform the district to evacuate everyone. The only problem is that the member won't let Jay out of their hidden place and the chief asked someone to keep an eye in precaution. Jay had to act as naturally as he could but how was that possible when the time was rushing out when he had to inform the team. He was anxious, petrified. And no matter how hard he tried to hide it, the one supposed to keep an eye on noticed something was wrong with him. He frowned as he looked at him. He seemed confused about why Jay was so worried. Jay caught his suspicions and tried to find an excuse.

"I guess this will be my first mission and I'm about to kill some of these bastards who killed my best friend." As soon as he said that, he regretted. Mouse's face came up and Jay had no way to shake it out form his head. The member made a step forward and put a hand on his shoulders. "I lost my brother in prison because of them too! They'll pay." He said with compassion in his voice. This was disgusting Jay. If Mouse died, it was because he tried to protect the ones he loved from guys like the man in front of Jay. Jay put a sad smile on his face. "Do you think I can go put some water on my face?" he asked.

The man nodded. "Yeah you have a bathroom just behind you" the man motioned his head in direction of the room.

Jay looked behind his shoulders and looked back at the man "Thanks! I'll be back!" and he left.

He closed the door behind him and turned on the faucet. He got out from his pocket his phone and dialled Antonio's number. But this latter never answered. So he left a vocal message, hoping he would have it in time. Then he tried to call Voight but someone knocked at the door so Jay hanged up quickly. He turned off the faucet and opened the door.

"we are leaving one hour. We need to explain you how it will go." He said before walking back in the living room where everyone was standing around a table. Jay followed.

He barely listened to them. His mind was on the team security. He had to find a plan B in case they didn't get the message in time. But with the noise around him and the angst he was feeling inside of him, it was nearly impossible. He would improvise when the time comes.

5 minutes later the whole team came back from a big bust. They were on this case for a few weeks and it was finally wrapped. When everyone joined the bullpen, Antonio made his way to his desk and put his jacket on the back of his chair. He got out his phone to place it on his desk. Then he caught two missed calls from Jay and that this later left him two vocals messages. Voight, on his way to his office noticed he had also a missed call from Jay on his phone. But no message. So he stopped and turned around to his team.

"Did Jay tried to reach anyone too?!" he asked them.

Antonio looked up from his phone. "Yeah he did. He left me two messages. Just let me listen to them." He said as he put his phone on his ear. Voight looked at him, waiting for an update.

Antonio listened to the first one. "He's saying that he has a meeting with a member and to be on our guard concerning Erin" Antonio repeated what Jay was telling him. Erin looked at Antonio with her full attention. Just as the rest of the team. At the end of the first message Antonio listened to the next one. He frowned as he hardly decrypted the message.

"I-I can't understand everything. He's saying he doesn't know where he is but that the team doubled us. They-" Antonio's eyes went wide. He stooped talking as he was focused on the message.

"Everyone out" he said as he was still listening to Jay's voice. The team frowned in confusion. No one understood what was happening. "EVERYONE OUT NOW!" Antonio said as hanged up the phone. The team got up from their chairs and walked down the stairs yelling at everyone in their way to get out of the district. Antonio called the task forced in his way out. They needed to evacuate the building. They needed to make a plan to catch the gang.

The gang needed to think that everything was as normal as possible.

But as all the patrolmen has been evacuated in the streets, there was to much chaos. The patrolmen were dispersed, there were cars everywhere. The gang would notice it and turn around to leave. Which could make Jay in a dangerous situation. They would understand someone has set them up. So Voight took a megaphone and began yelling at everyone to hide somewhere and wait for the task force to arrive.

The task force arrived soon after and Voight succeed to clear the street. The task force explained the intelligence the plan of intervention. The best shooters have already been placed in the building in front of the district. Others were dispersed in the street, others in cars waiting for the gang to show up. Erin was in the car next to Antonio. Not far from the two of them, Logan, in an alley with his shoulder leant against a wall, waiting. Antonio peeked at Erin several times. He could tell she was anxious.

He was kind of surprised. They've been in situation like this before. Then it hits him. She wasn't worried about her. Not at all. She was worried about someone else. But he decided not to talk about it because he knew she would never admit it.

He looked at the time and realized they would be soon there. The only thing reassuring him is that there were cars full of cops in civil in every possible street. There was no way the gang would escape.

Jay was in an armored car. There were 3 of them. This was the perfect opportunity to catch this gang Jay thought. It was the first mission they would act all of them. The chief of the gang wanted to target as much cops as possible. He had this hatred for the one who killed his two brothers in an intervention. His plan was to deliver the bomb and kill everyone who succeed to exit the district. And as suicide his plan was, his plan to run away was pretty good, Jay had to admit. His only hope was that the team received his message in time.

The three cars didn't arrive by the same way. They had a different path to arrive and to leave.

Jay's car was a few meters from the district. His body was becoming to be more and more tense. Then in his way, he caught Logan through his window, leant against a wall. That's when he realized they would receive his message. Jay caught a few faces he recognized and some sniper at windows. he could see them because he knew their way to proceed as a former soldier. But he knew that the gang wouldn't see them.

They stopped a few meters away from the entrance of the district and stayed in the car. While someone was in the driver sit, Jay was in the passenger and another man was in the back. Then the driver took his phone and called another car. The one on the back opened the window and placed discretely his machine gun. The man on the phone told another man they were ready. A few minutes later, Jay caught a man getting out from a car with a bag, making his way to the district. He got in and that's when Jay and the rest of the gang lost his trace. For the gang, if everything went as it was supposed, the man would get out 5 minutes later.

When the men with the bag entered the district, he was welcomed by the task force, pointing guns at him and ordering him to rise his hands. After the bomb squad took his bag away, they defused the bomb and the man was taking away. One of the cop took his radio signaling that the man has been caught and that the bomb was defused. As soon as the team received the information they started their cars and surround the other cars.

The gang looked around them to see a big chaos happening around them. They began to get agitated. They didn't know where to go or how to react. Jay was relieved. He only had to get out from the car and leave. But the man next to him quickly understood they have been set up. And the only one who could have done that was the man next to him. So he got out his gun. Jay instinctively got out his own gun too. But the man behind him has done the same thing and pointed it on his head. Jay was caught. While the two others cars had been emptied, and the men handcuffed, everyone made their way to the third where Jay was hold captive.

The two gangsters couldn't get out from the streets in car. They wouldn't be able to make a kilometer with it. So they got out from the car but with Jay's head at the end of their gun. They were taking him with them to protect themselves.

They were also taking a big risk but this was the only way to get away. Jay had his hands raised, trying to ease the tension between the cops and the gangsters. One guy had an arm around Jay's neck to prevent him from leaving while the other had his gun on him. Jay had to many guns pointed at him and it was becoming to piss him off.

"Everyone relax!" he yelled. He could see Logan on his right pointing a gun at one member, Antonio in front of him doing the same thing as well as Erin on his left. There was such a chaos between the cops yelling at the two men to drop their weapons and the members asking the cops to let them leave. There was no exit for them, Jay was conscious of that.

Jay looked at Voight speaking to a radio then a few seconds later, Voight hanged up. He, then, tried to speak to Jay with his eyes. Jay quickly understood what he had to do next. Voight discreetly waved his hands with 3 fingers raised.

He began to lower them seconds by seconds and at the last fingers lowered, Jay punched the man holding him in the stomach with his elbow. This latter bent in pain. The other man was shot by one of the sniper, and Logan pointed his gun to the other man's head.

The man straightened and looked at Jay with a smile full of hate.

"this isn't over!" he said before being carrying away. Jay stepped back to let the police do their job.

This case was finally wrapped up and Jay was relieved. He needed a drink to ease all of this tension. So he droved at Molly's were he met the 51 and Mark. This was cheering him up. He walked by the bar and sat in front of Mark who poured him a drink. Jay had finally time to breathe a little.

He and Mark never really had time to talk, really talk, about what the two of them became. So Jay asked about how Mark's life has been during his "absence". Mark opened up and Jay could feel that he was glad to talk to him about himself. From what Jay heard, Mark has a happy life. He admitted him and Olivia were finally in a relationship, which made Jay happy.

"What about you?" Mark asked him with a more serious face. "how your life's been like? wherever you were…". Jay looked up and his face tensed. He didn't want to talk about it.

"well you know… casual." He replied vaguely. Mark nodded. He knew Jay to well and forcing him to talk about himself wouldn't work. So he figured out he would let Jay the time to open up, like he always does. "tell me about 'liv" Jay asked.

Mark had a small smile on his face. He could tell Jay was taking her angriness at him very hard.

"She is good. Really!" he looked at Jay with honest eyes. "she will come to you someday…" he added. Jay nodded and finished his drink. Mark decided to change of subject and talk about funniest things.

Later in the night, Logan arrived at Molly's too. He sat at the bar but a few sits away from Jay. Jay noticed him and let out a small laugh. His behavior was ridiculous. So he got closer to Logan and sat next to him, taking with him his glass of tequila.

"That was fun." Jay began to say, in reference to the arrest of earlier. Logan looked at him then looked back at his glass. Jay smiled.

"Don't look at me like that. I know you hate me…" he said. "But guess what?" he got closer to Logan and whispered to him "Every one hates me." He moved back "But you can't deny we weren't bad ass!". He said with his eyes full of joy.

Logan sighed, he finished his drink and walked away, leaving a bill on the bar. Jay looked at him leave and then looked back at his glass.

"Well, it was nice to see you, Mr busy body guy" he said before taking a gulp of alcohol. Jay wasn't drunk at all; he was just tired of all of this. So he took back his conversation with Mark. After a few minutes, this latter looked behind Jay which made Jay looking back. A pretty woman was standing in front of him with a glass in her hand. She looked at Jay with surprised eyes.

"I know you!" She said as she titled her head on the left. Jay turned back to his drink. "Well, that's unfortunate" he said as he looked at Mark, laughing. Mark smiled as he dried a glass.

"You are Jay Halstead right? I heard great things about you!" she admitted as she sat next to him. Jay turned his head to look at her. "Really?" he asked surprised. "Because I'm a dick…". He had a smug smile on his face.

Jay has been very unpleasant with this woman. Not that he wanted to but he wasn't in a good place to start a relationship with any women. He was doing her a favor.

The next day, Jay has been called at Voight's office. Technically Jay came back to help the team with the case and since it was wrapped, he didn't show up at the district this morning. He thought it was clear to Voight. He didn't intend to take back his post here. When Jay walked up the stairs to the intelligence, everyone was working on the new case. Jay forgot how hard they were working and how quickly a new case came up once they wrapped one. He had a blue jean and a white tee shirt under a blue shirt. He took off his sunglasses as soon as he reached the floor and directly made his way at Voight's office.

He knocked and entered. Voight looked up from his paperwork and motioned his head toward the chair in front of him, asking Jay to sit. So this latter did it. After a few instant of silence, Voight spoke.

"I know you never intended to take back your job here…"

Jay nodded to confirm Voight's comments.

"But we both know that no matter how hard you try to deny it, you missed Chicago and your old life. I saw it."

Jay was about to protest but Voight didn't leave him the time to do so "Jay." Voight looked at Jay with his intense eyes that was destabilizing everyone except Jay. And that's why Voight was proud of Jay in his team. "I've let you walked away… I've watched you go over the edge and I didn't do anything to stop you. But now I'm here. We are all here. So don't ruin something that most people never get". Jay looked at Voight. He didn't know what to do. He was so confused in his head right now. So they stayed in silence for a few minutes. "Jay?" Voight snapped him back to reality.

"What do you want me to say?" Jay asked as he raised his shoulders.

"I want you to say that you are with us Jay" Voight replied quickly like it was an evidence to him.

"Do I have time to think about it?"

"No you don't. You and I both now that your place is here." Voight said as he opened his desk drawer and got out Jay's former badge.

Jay felt something happening inside of him. He couldn't figure out if it was something positive or something negative. He took it and looked at it. A heavy sighed got out from his mouth. A flashback from him giving Voight his badge came back to him. It was a dark time. He looked up at Voight and nodded. Jay was accepting his reenlistment to the intelligence.


	32. Chapter 32

**New Chapter! Enjoy ;P Once again, I had to divide the chapter in two.**

Once their discussion over, Voight and Jay got up from their chair and made their way to the bullpen. They both got out form Voight's office and stopped in front of everyone who looked at them, waiting for an update.

"Listen up! Jay has been reassigned to the team. He'll work with us again!" Voight said as he squeezed Jay's shoulder. Nobody seemed that surprised. Olinsky, Atwater congratulated him, Antonio walked toward him to hug him with a big smile, Ruzek smiled to him and Logan just nodded.

Jay looked at Erin who seemed to be careless. But Jay knew her to well. She was just pretending not to feel, but he knew that inside she was feeling something even if he couldn't tell if it was some good or some bad. Voight ordered at Logan to change of desk. When Jay took back his old desk in front of Erin, he watched it carefully, trying to take back his old habits.

He opened his drawer and found a picture. He looked at it and realized it was picture of Logan and Erin. And not far from it a letter. It was the one Jay wrote him before he left 3 years ago. Jay scoffed. They were all upset at him and yet, it seemed they all kept his letter someplace safe, Erin on her and Logan in his desk. He really needed to have a discussion with the both of them.

A few hours later, Jay was on his desk working, then he realized Erin and Logan weren't here. It was weird since they were on a case and it wasn't their type to take it lightly. He got up and watched through the window to see them talking. Well they seemed to be more arguing than talking.

He figured out he might be the reason of their argument and realized that his come back might have bring problems to a lot of people. So he decided to join them and clear things up the best he could.

Once he pushed the exit door from the district he looked at them. He was positioned so that they couldn't see him. First Jay decided to listen to them little a bit before going in. He wanted to be sure he was the subject of all of this.

"I don't know why you are so mad…" Erin said.

"I'm not mad!"

"Wanna try that again!?"

"I don't know" Logan paused "lately you seemed... off"

"what do you mean?! No I don't"

"Yes you are! And I don't know why because you won't talk to me!"

"Logan I-"

"No you know what? When you are ready to talk to me, I mean seriously talk, you call me!" He said before leaving. He bypassed Erin and walked back to the district.

Jay pretended to just getting out from the district so Logan wouldn't notice he was listening to them. Logan barely looked at him and bypassed him as well. Jay looked at him walking away then looked back at Erin who didn't moved an inch. She had her back to Jay and when she turned around, she fell face to face with her once best friend. She realized he just assisted at their fight.

"You okay?" Jay asked honestly.

She looked at him with incomprehension in her eyes. "Don't pretend to care. I know you're gloating inside." was all she said before she at her turn, bypassed him and walked back to the district.

This was gonna be harder than Jay thought. He placed his hands on his shoulders, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After that, he stepped back and made his way back to the district as well.

Jay took back his seat on his desk in front of Erin, he quickly peeked at her and got back to work.

Later in the day, Logan and Erin worked together on the case and they seemed to have found something. They got up and walked toward Voight to explain him what they found. Soon after, Jay came in too, telling Voight he might have found a lead.

"the three of you go! That way you will explain him what you found!" Voight said to Logan and Erin. Logan froze. That was the last thing he wanted to do. He said nothing but his body tensed. So while he nodded, Jay seemed annoyed as well and rolled his eyes.

It was already dark outside and the car ride was exactly like Jay predicated. Tensed, full of tension. Logan was driving which surprised Jay since Erin never let him drive. Erin was in the passenger sit. However, Jay could tell she wasn't fully serene with Logan's driving. Jay laughed silently about the situation. Logan and Erin were together and Jay was the one who left everyone and then came back, disturbing the couple.

"Let me just name the million other people I'd rather be in the car with right now" he said as he looked at Erin's eyes in the rear-view mirror. This situation was uncomfortable for everyone which was making Jay laugh.

The car stopped and the three of them got out to make their way to the house. While Logan and Erin took the front door, Jay decided to walk around the house, making sure there wasn't any other exit.

Logan knocked at the door "Chicago police department, open up!". Soon after, they heard some loud noise inside. They quickly understood suspect was trying to run away. So after the two of them took out their gun, Logan smashed down the door and made his way in with Erin. They saw the man running away in the back of the house.

"Chicago PD stop." Erin yelled as they followed him.

But when the man opened a door that was getting access to the outside, Jay was standing just in front of him, his gun in his right hand pointing at him.

"We both knew that wasn't gonna work out." He said smiling before shoving him against the wall. Logan took over the arrest and put the handcuffs on the boy while Jay began to clear the rest of the house. the boy seemed to be a minor.

"Relax, I've done nothing! I just though you were a serial killer man…". Jay came back to him, looking at the pack of beer, almost emptied in his hands.

"Worst actually, because you'll still be alive when I call your parents." He said with a smug smile.

When the three of them came back to the district with the suspect with them, they took him to the interrogation room. Jay and Erin sat in front of the suspect and tried to talk to him. But it was in vain.

"Come on! You can't just arrest me for a few beers?! This is ridiculous!" the boy said.

"You aren't here because of that. We want to talk to you about your cousin." The boy's body tensed. His face fell apart and the detectives in the room could tell he was on the defensive.

"I know my rights. You can't interrogate me alone since I'm a minor. I want a lawyer." He said.

"we've already called him." Erin said. She and Jay were sitting in front of him, waiting for the boy to speak, but not a single sound came out form his mouse. Jay began to feel annoyed so he broke the silence.

"In your position, this attitude isn't gonna help you!" he said. The boy looked at Jay with provocative eyes and let out a cold laughed before looking away.

Tonight was gonna be a long night Jay thought.

Two days later, the case was wrapped up. Jay just shut his mouth and did what he was asked to do, without arguing. He thought that this would be the better way to just finish this case as soon as possible. And he was right.

Erin and Logan put aside all of their issues, weather it is with the both of them or with Jay. But that was just for the case. The time spent with him, their discussion with him was just for work, nothing more, nothing less. And even if Jay was cool with it for the moment, he knew that this couldn't keep going. But every time he tried to speak to either Logan or Erin, all he was facing were walls. He never thought that his departure would affect them so much. Same for Olivia. She never returned any of his calls, or text message, in which he apologized for at least a hundred of times. But nothing. And he knew that they were all aware that they couldn't keep ignoring him and that one day they would need face him.

So he decided to let them all the time they need to because he knew that he would have to face him one day or another.

Jay meet at Molly's his only friend left, Mark, who is a very big support to Jay. Mark always succeed at taking things off of Jay's mind and make him laugh. This is one of the reason Mark's always been Jay's best friend.

"Isn't Olivia supposed to meet you here normally?! Haven't seen her in days…"

Mark put a sorry smile on his face "she kinda stop coming here since…"

"since I come here practically every night…" Jay understood. He nodded "got it!" he said before letting out a chuckle. He didn't know why his situation was making him laugh so much, but it did.

"Anyway, I heard something last time…" Jay began to speak.

"yeah?! what?" mark asked as he cleaning the bar.

"Were you invited to Friends giving?" Jay asked. Last time he heard that Erin was planning a Friends giving at her place tomorrow with her friends before Thanks-Giving. Ant that there will have the whole team, Mark and Olivia, some of 51 too.

"Of course. Erin demanded I bring string beans." Mark replied than he looked at Jay with a surprised face.

"Why are you not invited?"

"Nop." Jay replied as he raised his eyebrows

"Ooh… you messed with the wrong girl's feelings." Mark laughed.

Jay just rolled his eyes.


	33. Chapter 33

The next day, at the end of the day, Erin was welcoming everyone at her place. Some of them helped her preparing everything and making everything right. It's the third time she has been doing a Friends Giving at her place. She realized that friends were more important than everything and that spending time with them could only bring some joy. And it always did. While Erin and Burgess were cooking in her kitchen, Antonio Voight and Olinsky were setting the table.

A knocked rang at Erin's door and it was Logan who took the initiative of answering it. He met with Olivia and Mark who were holding hands.

He stepped back to let them enter before closing the door behind them. While Mark and Logan walked away, talking, Olivia made her way to the kitchen, bringing the string beans and the vine.

"Hey! I brought everything!"

"Hey 'liv" Erin said as she turned around. "Oh god thank you!"

"Were do you want me to put the bottle of vine"

"you can put it here; I'll take care of it!" Erin replied. While she was cooking, Kim looked up to watch Olivia.

"Okay I'll help the guys setting the table!"

Erin nodded and got back cooking. Kim looked at her, while taking a sip of her glass of wine. Erin caught her staring and frowned looking back at her cook.

"What?!" she asked.

"Huh? Nothing!" Kim replied nonchalant.

"Just spill it out!"

"I was just thinking about…" she paused. "did you and Jay… talked?!"

Kim could tell Erin's body tensed a little bit. Erin slightly shook her head, avoiding any eyes contact with Kim. "Jay and I have barely spoken since he came back" she paused. _"_ still he's…"

"under you skin?" Kim stated.

Erin looked up to meet Kim's serious eyes. She didn't reply. Kim realized she would get it right. Erin was about to say something but Logan arrived by behind.

"Everything's ready over there! Are you?!" he said. Erin turned her around to see Logan standing in the middle of the kitchen. She smiled "yeah let's go!" she took the dishes. Logan helped her, took some of them too, and walked back to the dinning room. Erin peeked at Kim while making her way to the dinning room.

Two days, they were again on another case. Olinsky and Ruzek purchased a lead and came back to the district with a suspect.

"we want you no harm, we just want to know a little bit more about your frequentations. About Riley?" she looked at him with questioning eyes.

"She is your sister right?" Jay asked him.

"What do you want from her?" the man asked in a nonchalant way.

"She might have done something that she shouldn't have to…" Jay replied coldly, not enjoying the attitude of them man in front of him.

"Why don't you ask her?" the man replied annoyed.

"Because we don't know where she is…" Erin admitted. "would you help us find her?" she added.

The boy shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes. "I don't know where she is and I don't care okay?! She brought us nothing but problems in this family. I shut her out of my life a long time ago."

So the two detectives got out from the interrogate room. In the corridor to their desk room they met Ruzek accompanied by what seemed like the men's lawyer and the wife. She seemed so upset. This shouldn't be the first time she would find herself in a police station because of his husband.

They bypassed Jay and Erin like they didn't even saw them. Jay turned around to look at the woman on the edge. He scoffed.

"Somebody is getting grounded" he joked as he looked at Erin who didn't reply. She kept walking. Jay rolled his eyes at how annoying this situation was.

"So we have nothing? A man is dead and the main suspect is still roaming in my city?!" Voight said pissed. "And the guy in the interrogation room? He's his brother? Can't he call her or make contact with her?"

"He said he hasn't had news for years." Erin replied.

"Find me this girl! She is the main suspect in a murder, god damn it!" Voight ordered as he shut his door behind him. The whole team went back to work, searching for any clue that would lead them to that girl.

After a few days, the team finally had a lead. And they were right. They worked every night, trying to find that Riley. When Antonio and Jay succeed on catching her and bringing her to the district, they instantly brought her to the interrogation room. She was a very young woman who seemed so wild, so insecure and at the same time so vulnerable.

"I know why I am here but you have to listen to me!" Riley began to say. Jay was barely looking at her. He looked at her file while she was trying to explain herself. Everyday he had someone in front of him trying to convince him that they weren't responsible for anything.

"I know how it looks like. It's just… I knew you would never believe me! I didn't kill him!"

"huh uh…" Jay mumbled. He was so used to people like her. "I swear to god! What can I do for you to believe me?!"

"Nothing!" Jay responded as he finally looked up form his file. Antonio took out some pictures from the file and put them in front of her her one by one. They were pictures of the man laying in his blood. The woman delicately looked at them. Tears were forming at the corner of her eyes. She let out shocked scoffs at every pictures she was discovering.

"this man has been found dead at his place and you've been seen running out from his place a few minutes after his death. And we found drugs."

"I didn't kill him, I've never "she didn't have time to explain herself because Jay never let her do so. He cut her off.

"We found your prints everywhere." He added.

"I didn't" she tried to protest, still crying over the pictures. But Jay kept cutting her off.

"So this is what I think! You wanted to buy him some drugs but the buy didn't go well so you killed him. Then you run and you hide and you try to run away from the cops. I'm pretty sure if we run some test, we will find drugs in your organism!". His voice raised gradually.

"This is a little bit cliché don't you think!" she yelled back as she was looking at him full of rage.

"And yet that what happened!" he said out loud.

"No it isn't!" she yelled at him as she hit the table with her hands.

"The deal didn't go as planned so you shot him!" he tried to yell harder to destabilize her.

"I didn't do it!" she screeched as she looked at Jay right in the eyes. "I was in love with him Okay?!" she broke apart. She threw the pictures on the floor and ran her hands through her hairs. Jay looked at Antonio who seemed to be as surprised as he was.

"I broke up with him because of what he was selling. Then one day he called me telling me he was done with this. So I came to him. But when I walked in, he was already on the floor, bleeding out. So I ran toward him and tried to stop the bleeding but he was already dead." She cried. "God…".

There was a long silence, filled with her sorrows. After a few minutes, she straightened on her chair and looked at Jay. "You can do as many test as you want! You won't find any drugs in me! I've never touch this shit. Ever!"

"Why didn't you called the cops if you haven't done anything?!" Jay asked. He didn't know his question would come out that softly and it kind of surprised him.

"because I knew something like that would happen! Are you believing me right now?! No! Running was my best option. It's what I've always done! My whole life I've been running, leaving the people I love behind me!"

"Why?!" Jay asked.

She sighed. After a moment of silence, she regained her breathe and looked at her hands. "I like being alone, at least I convince myself that I'm better off that way…" Jay looked at her with compassionate eyes.

She buried her head in her hands while tears came back and her voice broke again.

"I just watched the man I love die. And the worst part is that I never told him I love him."

"He's dead" she said as she began to realize it.

She had small smile on her face as she was remembering him… she tried to remember every details from her mind of their life together. While Antonio was standing in front of her, looking at her broking apart, Jay was looking into the space. This was remembering him so much of his old past.

"Have you ever met someone that you'd change your entire world for? Someone whose eyes just knew you were born to gaze into?" she asked. Well, she wasn't really asking them. It was mostly like a statement of what her ex boyfriend and her felt. Jay couldn't handle it anymore. This woman brought back so many memories Jay tried to forget, it was killing him. He opened the door of the interrogation room and walked away. Erin and Voight who were behind the glass looked at him leaving. While Voight took over the interrogation, Erin uncrossed her arms and began to follow Jay. But he was getting to fast and she realized it'd better if she let him the space he needed.

It was very early in the morning, the only person left at work was Erin who was pouring herself some coffee and Jay who was working on the paper work. He turned his head to the corridor to see Antonio accompanied by Riley. He was leading her to the way out of the district.

"Oh, stay here I forgot the paperwork you need to sign. I'll be right back!" he said before walking back to the corridor. Riley hanged there, her jacket in her hands.

"You'll be okay? You need a car ride?!" Jay asked softly. Riley looked at Jay's eyes who were on the same time compassionate and so tired.

But she wasn't gonna forget the horrible 5 hours they made her spent in the interrogation room. Jay had been the worst before he left. Accusing her of killing the love of her life.

"No I'm fine. Today is pretty much gonna be the worst day of my life, I'm not sure that I need to start it off with you by my side. No offense."

"None taken" he stared in the space. The silence was a little bit awkward so Riley began to walk toward the stairs. "You'll tell him I'm waiting downstairs".

But before she walked down the stairs, Jay stood up from his chair and slowly made his way toward Riley. She turned around as she heard him getting closer to him. He crossed his arms and looked at her. He began to open his mouth, trying to find the right thing to say, but it seemed like he could tell them out. She turned around and began resume her walk. That's when Jay began to speak.

"Hey Blondie?!" she turned around and looked at him with questioning eyes, waiting for him to say whatever he wanted to say. He slowly shook his head "Today isn't the worst day of your life. Today and tomorrow…" he paused "it's a cakewalk. And there will be people around you, day in and day out like they are afraid to leave you alone. The worst day? it's next week. When there is nothing but quiet…".

There was a heavy silence, both standing in the room in silence before she broke it.

"Does it get easier?" she asked with her shaky voice.

Jay looked at her with sad eyes and slightly shook his head. He didn't want to gave her hope. There was nothing worst than expecting hopes when there wasn't any.

"When you lose someone… it's stay with you, always reminding you of how… easy it is to get hurt." he said honestly. He moved forward to her and took something out of his pocket "Here, if you need anything, you call me!" he gave him his card. "you sure you don't need a car ride?" he insisted. It was still very dark outside and a young female like that shouldn't wandering the streets. "Nah, I'll be fine." She said as he looked at the card he just gave her. Then when she looked up, she watches him very carefully. He seemed very affected by her situation. She tried to read him and then she understood. She loosened a little bit.

"Who did you lost?" she asked.

Jay looked at her, a little bit taken aback. Was it that obvious. He didn't reply at first, not knowing what to answer at a such difficult question. "Well, I can tell you that if I had to drive around with everyone that I've lost, I'd need a school bus." He scoffed. Antonio came back with the paperwork so Jay stepped back and came back to his desk. On his way, he caught Erin looking at him. Of course she overheard the discussion between jay and Riley. It wasn't intentional. Once Riley signed whatever papers she had to sign, she was finally free to leave. "Just promise me to find the one who did it!" Riley asked Antonio before leaving. "I promise" he replied with honest eyes. Riley nodded. She quickly peeked at Jay and then left.

It was very quiet in the bullpen, Erin and Jay had a lot of paperwork to fill in. After a moment, Jay received a call phone, he looked at the contact then answered.

"Hey Mark, what's up?" he asked. "Sorry man, not tonight, I think I'm just gonna drive home…" he added after a moment. "yeah, no I'm fine, just tired." "Okay, see you!'' Jay said before hanging up. He put down his phone and leant his back on the back of his chair. He looked at the phone the whole time. Erin looked at him and could tell he was in his thoughts. Then she realized she would be staring at him and decided to go back to work. Jay looked up soon after and looked at her. His heart began to race. He would give so much to just make her talk to him again. He realized that leaving had been a mistake. But tonight he wasn't in a mood to fight again. So he got up form his chair, took his phone and his vest and walked down the stairs. He just needed to sleep before finding the murderer. Erin watched him leave and once he was out of her sigh she dropped her pen and fell onto the the back of her chair. She closed her eyes and breathed.


	34. Chapter 34

**Just a reminder that Jay not only lost Mouse his best friend but also Allie and Allie's mother who was like a mother to Jay since the death of his own mother. Jay thinks everybody he cares about dies around him, his mother, Allie, her mother, Ben, Mouse.**

Jay was assigned to an undercover mission. They have worked very hard on this one especially Jay, since he promised Riley he would find the man who killed her boyfriend.

Jay was in a bar at a table with Ruzek. He met a CI a few days ago who gave him important information and told him he might know someone, a woman, that could be linked to the murder, if this was indeed a case of drugs.

When the woman entered the bar, Ruzek immediately recognized her since he was the one having the entrance of the bar in front of him. He played it cool, trying not to raise any suspicions and looked back at Jay.

"She came in" he said.

Jay looked at him and nodded.

"Is she hot?" Jay asked him with a smile.

"Yeah," Ruzek replied as he looked at her "but remember what your Ci said… she can be weird!"

"Pfff… Hot trumps weird." Jay said like it was an evidence. Antonio giggled on the other end of the earpiece. Only Ruzek, Logan, Erin and Atwater were connected to Jay tonight.

While Antonio and Erin were waiting outside in their car, Logan and Ruzek were in the bar.

Jay got up and Ruzek quickly followed.

"we act like we agree on!" Jay said before making his way on the bar. Ruzek did the same thing but positioned himself near the woman. That's when the act began.

"Well hello! Can I have a scotch for that beautiful woman?" Ruzek asked the bartender, pretending to be drunk.

"Oh no! one is my limit." She replied kindly.

"Oh come on! It's not like I am freak. Just being friendly to somebody who is new to town…" Ruzek smiled at her.

"Okay if you insist." She giggled awkwardly. "How do you know I'm new?" she asked.

"Because I've never saw you here and I'm here… every night." He replied.

At this moment, Jay came and interrupted the discussion.

"Excuse me is that guy bothering you?" Jay asked the woman with a look full of concern.

"I'm not bothering anybody" Ruzek replied in a drunk way.

"Perfect well..." Jay motioned his head to make him walk away. "Do it elsewhere" he added.

"Don't worry he is harmless. He's just a town drunk." Jay said to the woman with his seductive smile.

"Please don't talk to me like I'm not right here" Ruzek added.

"Why are you here?" Jay replied. Ruzek looked at Jay and then walked away.

"Thanks!" the woman sighed, relieved.

"I'm Jay" he held out his hands. The woman looked at it then shook it. "Alicia. Nice to meet you Jay."

This whole act was to make her feel in security with Jay so this latter could easily start a conversation. And perfectly worked. Jay and her began to talk, quickly followed by laughs and some seductive approaches.

After two hours of talks, the woman was a little drunk, Jay wasn't but pretended to be.

"Do you know how I can get a cab there?" Alicia asked Jay.

"I can give you a ride" Jay replied as he looked at her with his penetrating eyes. The woman immediately fell into them and got lost in them.

"Yeah? That'd be great. I mean if it's okay with you." She replied still looking at him.

"It's fine with me. Is it okay with you?" he continued his playboy act.

"Yeah." She said in a low voice, still getting lost in his smile and eyes.

" _God he's good!"_ Antonio stated as he listened to them. He looked at Erin for an agreement. She looked at Antonio, rolled her eyes, then looked back at the bar with her binoculars.

"You sure?" Jay added.

"You seem like a pretty good driver." She murmured as she got closer to Jay.

"You can count on me." Jay admitted as his body got closer as well.

"Can I?" she smiled as she nibbled her lower lip. Jay got closer to her ears.

"Most would say no." he whispered making the woman to shiver at the sensation of his breathe on her neck.

"Mmm. You seem truth worthy" she whispered to his ear as well. Jay slightly moved back to look at her.

"I hope you don't fear being on a motorcycle?" he smiled.

She raised seductively her eyebrow "You are something!" she looked at him smiling. Jay could see the excitement in her eyes. He got up from the bar stool, took her hand to help her standing up and took her out of the bar.

They made their way to his motorcycle before Jay gave her the helmet. He got on the motorcycle and was soon followed by her, wrapping her hands around his waist. He started his engine and droved past Erin and Antonio. He knew this wasn't exactly the plan but he had no other option. Antonio and Erin started their car and followed Jay.

When Jay and Alicia arrived in front of her building, she got up from the motorcycle and took off her helmet to give it back to Jay.

"You wanna come up for a last drink?" she asked intimidated which made Jay smiled.

"sure!" he replied as he got up as well from his engine. Jay took off his earpiece as he knew he would have to get closer to Alicia and there was no way he would risk his cover by being unmasked because of an earpiece.

Antonio and Erin parked their car not far from them and looked at them walking in the building. Erin straightened on her sit and Antonio could tell she was anxious even if she tried her harder to seem as normal as possible.

"You know one day you two will have to talk!" he admitted.

Erin threw him a glare.

"I mean you've been through so much together, Erin. Just remember. You can't throw your history like that!"

"I didn't throw our 'history' like that! He did!" she motioned her head toward him.

"He lost so much Erin. Mouse, Allie, her mother…Just talk to him. Maybe there was a reason behind his departure…"

She shook her head "Antonio, I don't wanna talk about this right now." Erin stated, looking at the building. So Antonio shut his mouth and looked back at the building.

It was 4 am when Jay came out from the building, putting back his vest. He looked around, searching for Erin and Antonio and made his way to their car when he caught them. He put his hands in his pocket, looked back behind him to make sure no one was looking at him and got in the car.

"It was about time!" Antonio remarked as he looked back at Jay.

"Sorry… she was… she wasn't tired" Jay replied, trying to say the right thing to say.

Antonio and Erin looked at each other a little bit shocked.

"You slept with her?!" Antonio asked Jay.

Jay let hang a heavy silence. Leaving the two detectives on the edge. While Erin was looking in front of her, her jaw clenched and waiting for the answer, Antonio was looking at Jay with questioning eyes.

"Just answer the damn question." Antonio asked annoyed.

Jay chuckled. "Relax, I didn't sleep with her. We drank a few drinks, we shared a few kissed then she fell asleep, too drunk to do anything at all."

"What did you do next?" Antonio asked.

"I did what I was supposed to do. I put a micro inside her phone and in her living room! Then I left!"

"Good! Al and Voight will take charge of the rest now! You can go home!" Antonio said. Jay peeked at Erin before getting out from the car to make his way to his motorcycle.

Erin was at her apartment. It was very early in the morning,5 am, and she decided to take a shower after the night she has just spent. Once she got out a knocked rang so she wrapped a towel around her chest and made her way to the door. It was kinda weird that someone was knocking at her door at this hour. She looked through the spy-hole to look at the person behind her door and exhaled at who she saw. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

Jay was standing there, his hands on each side of her doorframe, looking at his foot and immediately looked up when Erin opened the door. He looked at her for a second, her, looking at him as well, waiting for him to talk. After a few seconds he realized he might give her an explanation of why he was standing in front of her apartment.

"I realized that it was time for us to talk…" he said. She waited a few seconds before stepping back and let him in.

He looked at her with his beautiful eyes. His honest and soulful eyes. He was glad that she accepted to let him in. It was a first step. But he knew that it didn't mean anything for her.

"Just let me put something on first" She said before walking to her bedroom. Jay looked at her apartment. It's been a long time since he didn't saw it. It didn't change.

Erin came back dressed in a black sweat suit and a white tee shirt. She put her hair in a ponytail.

"What did you wanna talk about" she asked crossing her arms trying to not show any emotion on her face.

Jay looked at her and chuckled nervously.

"God I thought this would be easier… but now I'm standing here, looking at you and it's-" "Just say what you have to say and go okay?!" she cut him off coldly and avoided any eyes contact with him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like this. It was selfish and you didn't deserve this." He finally admitted. She still wasn't looking at him but she was listening.

"It's just…" he paused. "I felt sad, I felt like everything was turning against me, when I was only trying to do the right thing. And I blamed myself for a lot of things and I just sat there doing peanuts…".

She looked at him and had this angry expression on her face.

"don't you dare think I wasn't there for you!" she said with gritted teeth.

"I didn't say that." He frowned. "Back there…I thought, just for a second, what's the point? so I stopped fighting!"

"And you left…" Erin added.

"And I left" he nodded. "I mean, I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was, create a new life, without the pain. But it's not that easy." He scoffed. He took a deep breath, his look getting lost into the space "The bad things stay with you, they follow you. And you can't escape them, as much as you want to." He looked up to meet her green eyes. "And I knew you would be fine and-"

"And then what?" she cut him off, angry. "As far as I can tell, you have no any idea of what's my life been like!" she looked at his confused eyes. "You think it wasn't though out there? You think it was easy for me without you? You thought that every single day wasn't a god damn, marathon of my life without you?"

Jay was about to reply but she stopped him. "No you know what?!" she put her hands on her forehead as she closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry, You and I… I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." She began to walk away. But Jay stepped forward.

"I've pushed you away…"

"Yeah, I know, Jay. You pushed everyone away! It's kind of what you do." She turned around to face him.

"But I pushed you away the most. I knew that you were the one person who would sit with me and let me cry, and I didn't want to cry anymore, so I had to push you away, the most."

"And I don't hate you for that." Erin stated. "I don't hate you for mourning the ones you've lost; I don't hate you for being the biggest jerk on the planet while doing so" she looked at him with sad eyes. "and I accept your apology."

Jay nodded. There was a heavy silence filling the room. "But you do still… hate me." Jay asked. He knew the answer to this question but he needed to hear it. To be sure where the two of them where. She didn't reply at first, trying to find her words. Then she looked up to meet his eyes.

"Yes." She nodded. "Yeah, I hate you! Because if I don't hate you for ruining our friendship, then I have to hate myself for ruining it, and I think that I deserve better than that." She admitted.

"You do!" he replied with a small smile.

They just hanged there in silence. Erin had her arms crossed and Jay had them on his waist. Neither of them knew what else to say.

"so what now?" Jay asked.

"Well, like I said, I forgive you…But please don't expect any personally things from me. We'll work together and I'll be professional with you, but nothing more."

Jay looked down. He took deep breath and looked up. "Okay!" he smiled.

"okay…" she repeated.

The next day, Erin fulfilled her contract, being only professional with Jay. It was very cold between the two of them.

As for the case, the team made a lot of progress. Thanks to Jay, they could hear the conversation between Alicia and her dealers and succeed to have an address.

"Alright, everyone in position! Olinsky Ruzek you take the front door of the warehouse, Atwater and Dawson you guys take the east, Lindsay, Halstead the west. Logan you are with me!" Voight ordered. Everyone suited up, took their assault rifle and helped the others to put right the bulletproof jacket. When Logan helped putting it right on Erin, this latter turned around and helped him as well. Once done, they both faced each other while Erin put her earpiece in her ear.

"Be careful okay?!" Erin told Logan. This latter smiled as he placed his earpiece.

"Always." He replied.

Jay looked at the two of them from where he was standing. He remembered it used to be him and Erin who took care of each other and helped each other. He looked back at the trunk of the cars and took his assault rifle before closing the trunk's door.

Once everyone was ready, they all got in position with their partner. They all heard the instruction of Voight and when this latter commanded to enter they all obeyed. Erin stood in front of the door and Jay was just behind her. When she opened it and began to walk in, Jay immediately put his hand on his shoulder to let her know he was there so she could move forward, protected. But when he placed it, he felt her body jumped. She looked behind her shoulder to make sure it was actually Jay. This latter frowned, confused of her reaction. Couldn't she trust that he had her back in the first place. She used to know that Jay had her back before, and not be forced to look back to make sure of it. This was something they would need to talk Jay thought. He knew there weren't supposed to be friend anymore but she still stated that they would be professional. And as professionals, they needed to trust each other.

Once the team succeeded to enter the warehouse without a sound and took the bad guys down, Jay promised to find the one who killed Riley's boyfriend. He didn't know why but he really wanted to keep his world. He kinda found himself in her. The things she said and she felt, he felt it too, not long ago. Lost, pain, hurt…

Jay knew the killer was one of these guy, he just needed to know who exactly it was.

While the 6 guys were lined up, he stepped forward and looked at each one of them.

"Who was in charge of the sell Tuesday the 9th?" he asked patiently.

No one replied, all looking in front of them, mouth shut. Jay's jaw clenched. "you guys don't wanna test my limits…" he added, slowly loosing his patience.

"A man died, found in his blood. He was 20!" Jay yelled. While 5 of the guys still had their face stoic, one man seemed to be upset. He was young and seemed so innocent. Jay caught him from the corner of his eyes.

"We've got a short time before I go mad. So your explanation better be quick and better be good" Jay threatened as he entered in the interrogation room with the young man.

"I don't know what your talking about" the young man replied. Jay could hear some fear in his voice, and that's with what he was gonna play.

"you know you are looking for 15 years here? If you are lucky you can walk out in ten years for good behavior…"

The man seemed definitely scared. "But if you tell me who killed this guy, I'll do whatever I can to shorten your sentence and make you feel comfortable in your cell" Jay claimed with a softer voice.

So the man talked, he talked until he couldn't talk anymore. He told Jay everything. Why his "coworker" killed the young man, how he did it. At each thing he told Jay, Jay's jaw clenched more and more, so disgusted by what he would hear. It's been so long since he didn't face a case that affected him like that. The fact that someone had to die for nothing, it remembered him so much, flashback came back to him, flashback of Allie, Mouse, Abbigail and Ben…

Once he was done, Jay got up and got out from the interrogation room. He made his way toward the cells, asked the policeman to open it and Jay flew at the killer and gripped the material of his collar, starting to yell at him.

Ruzek and Olinsky who saw it coming since Jay got out of the interrogation room, followed him and caught him by behind to separate him from the criminal.

"Stop!" Ruzek yelled at him. The whole team who heard some screams made their way to the cells to see Jay being hold by Ruzek and Olinsky holding the criminal. Jay struggled at first but soon relaxed. He got off from Ruzek holds, glaring at the criminal with his dark eyes

Voight walked toward him and peered at him.

"My office now!" he ordered.

Jay sighed and followed Voight in his office. He closed the door behind him and Voight turned around to face Jay.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" he yelled. "You are not supposed to loose your temper like this!" he added with his hoarse voice.

Seriously, Jay didn't know either what happened. It was just the tension and the angst that' been building up inside of him that just stormed out. And this case, he has already been dealing with cases like that before. But this one, the situation that Riley is dealing with, it reminded him so much and it hurt him so much. He just lost his temper. He placed his hands on his neck and remained silent while Voight was yelling at him. He had no excuses for his behavior.

The case was closed anyway, they had the confession they needed, the killer would be place in custody and charged for murder.

When Jay arrived at Molly's he exchanged a few words with some friends and made his way to the bar. He ordered a beer and while waiting for it, he looked around. He caught Erin at a table, talking to Kim.

Once the beer appeared, he took it and made his way toward her. He still had one thing to clear up with her. Later on the day, he realized that she wasn't trusting him and it bothered him.

Kim who noticed Jay approaching them from behind, looked back at Erin and got up from her chair. "I'll be right back". Erin nodded.

Kim smiled at Jay on her way, letting him know that she would let the two of them discuss. Jay took the former seat of Kim, very determined to have this chat. Erin looked a little taken aback about his sudden appearance in front of her. She looked at him as she raised her eyebrows.

"You don't trust me?!" Jay asked, more like a statement than a question.

"I don't know. Can I?" she replied.

"Of course!" he said as he leant forward. How could she question his devotion to her, to the team he thought.

"Why? You left me once, you can do it again!" Erin looked at Jay in a nonchalant way, like nothing was affecting her anymore.

"Well I was your best friend before I left" Jay retorted, trying to read her expression when he said that. But she didn't seem to have any of them.

"Can we just… get pass this, please?!" he added, nearly begging her.

"I'm trying to!" she looked at him right in the eyes. She sighed and shook her head. She felt like he couldn't understand her and this was becoming to piss her off. It was a waist of time. She got up from her chair and walked out the bar. Jay got up soon after and ran to catch up with her.

"Wait Erin!" he called out to make her stop. She turned around and watch him walk toward her. She could tell he seemed so confused in his head. He was trying to say something but it never came out. He was searching the words.

"What do you want me to do?" he finally asked. She looked at him with perplexed eyes, not understanding what he wanted her to reply.

"Just stop making me guess and tell me so we can go back and being friends again." He added.

"Well, that's the thing Jay. After all of this… I don't wanna be friends anymore." She retorted before turning around and walking away. Jay looked at her leave and let out a heavy sigh.

When Erin came back to her apartment, she dropped her keys on the table and took off her vest. She was thinking at her altercation with Jay and everything he said to her. And even if she didn't want to believe him, she had to admit that he seemed to be very affected about the situation. She tried to shake off from her mind what Antonio told her the last day, to remember what her and Jay were before all of this, and that she couldn't throw all of it away. But in the same time she felt so betrayed when Jay left, without even saying goodbye.

She sat on her couch, put her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands. She closed her eyes and just tried to clear her head.

After a moment of silence, she straightened up and turned her head to the left, looking at a cupboard. After another instant, she got up and walked toward it. She stood in front of drawer and opened it slowly. She put her hand in it and took out Jay's letter, the one she never read. She looked at the name Jay wrote in front of the envelope. She was trying to figure out if reading it would be a good or a bad idea. After a moment of indecision, she resolved herself to open the envelope and got out the letter. She unfolded it and began to read it, walking back over her couch while doing so.

 _Dear Erin,_

 _I should be saying this to your face, not writing this letter. But I know if I do, you'll talk me out of running away from all my problems. And you are going to help make me the best man I can possibly be. And I am absolutely terrified of failing you. So I'm leaving, because I'd rather let you down once than let you down for the rest of your life. And I hope it's the happiest life, because you, Erin Lindsay, are an amazing woman, a mediocre driver and my best friend._ _Know that I tried very hard to stay. I will miss you with every beat of my heart._

Erin just stood there, on her couch, unable to do anything. Her eyes became red over the reading. She put down the letter on the table in front of her and slowly placed her hand on her mouth. She took a moment to come round and let out a heavy sigh after.

She looked at the clock, 9pm. She got up from her couch, took her keys and drove back at Molly's. Once she arrived, she made her way in and looked around to find Jay, who was at the bar, talking with Gabby. This latter looked at Erin as she saw her approaching them. Jay looked behind his shoulders and closed his mouth the moment he laid eyes on her.

She sat next to him on a bar stool and looked at Gabby.

"A beer please" she asked her with a small smile. Once Gabby brought it to her, Erin took a sip and put it down to look back at Jay. Jay didn't know what to say since he didn't know what her presence meant. Then he watched her taking out his letter from her jacket and putting it down on the bar. Jay looked at it for a few seconds and looked back at her. He felt a weigh lifting off his chest. Like he could finally have the chance to explain himself, the chance to make her understand why he did what he did. That they could finally start over.

"I'm sorry" Jay said. She looked at him right in the eyes and she could tell he's never been more honest than he was now. She had a small smile on her face "I know…".


	35. Chapter 35

**Oh my god, next chapter is going to be fire! You guys will love it I'm sure!**

A week passed since the last events. And a lot happened. While working on a case, Logan discovered that one of the main suspect of the murder they were working on was an old friend who took contact with him few days before the murder. But Logan never mentioned to the team that he knew this guy, thinking it wouldn't be important and wouldn't make the case move forward. But the team soon realized which make everyone to question him and his involvement on this case. They all realized that Logan might be a suspect. Erin and him had a violent fight about this.

"you should have told me about this!" she said at him angry.

"I have nothing to do with him okay? I've already explained myself! He contacted me, we shared a few drinks and that's all!"

"Logan you are the main suspect! And according to Jay, this guy is trouble! He told me he's already been in shit like this before!"

"Oh so now you care about what Jay says?!" Logan asked pissed.

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

"It means that a few weeks ago you wouldn't listen to him, you would even ignore him! And now you believe every words he says?!"

"Okay this is so not about Jay! This is about YOU! I worry about you; I care about you! Okay?!" she raised her voice.

He scoffed.

"Logan we are talking about a murder. This isn't something you take lightly! This is serious!"

"I told you I have nothing to do with this murder!" he repeated upset.

"Well apparently you've been seen with him an hour before this happened! So where did you go after?!"

"God I've already told you! I went home and I stayed there, the whole night!"

Erin sighed. She wanted to believe him. She really wanted to. But how could she when he lied to them about knowing this guy at first.

A knocked rang to the locker room.

"What?!" she barely yelled as she turned around. It was Jay. "What do you want?!" she snapped.

Jay knew she was worried so he decided to keep calm. "they need you…" he said to her, talking about the team. He waved the file of the case he had in his hand.

She groaned and made her way toward Jay. "Give me that" she snapped again, snatching the file from his hold and heading back to the bullpen. Jay looked at her leaving then looked back at Logan. He seemed frustrated. He had his hands on his waist, walking round and round while looking downs. Jay stepped in the locker room, quickly looked back behind him to make sure no one was listening to them. Then he focused back on Logan.

"Okay Logan! I'm gonna say it once and you better tell me the truth". Jay had this serious and determined face. "You are gonna tell me, very specifically, what you did before you met him this night, what you did with him and more importantly what you did after! Tell me every details, every street you've taken, every stops you've made, every shops, everything really!"

Logan looked at him very carefully and sighed. His body relaxed as he understood he could trust Jay and finally have someone having his back.

A few minutes later, Jay got out from the locker room, got back in the bullpen in a rush. He took his vest and walked down the stairs.

"I'll be back" he said. The whole team looked at him confused. Erin looked at Jay disappearing then looked at Logan who made his way back to the bullpen.

Jay went with what he had on Logan's itinerary the night of the murder. He went at every bar who were situated on his itinerary, trying to catch any camera who could prove he made it home this night and not the other alternative.

Late in the night, he came back to the district with some pictures in his hands. He quickly made his way toward the board. He looked around him, searching for something. He stepped toward his desk, took out from his drawer a map of Chicago and attached it on the board. He took a pen and draw the itinerary Logan told him. Everyone looked at him doing so, not understanding what he was doing exactly. Everyone except Logan.

Then Jay pinned on the pictures of Logan in his car to every spot he's been taken by the bars', shops' and streets' cameras. Each of the pictures had 5 minutes of interval until he made it to his apartment.

"10pm!" he pinned the last one, in front of his building. "30 minutes before the murder!" Jay finally declared. "No time for him to drive to the crime scene…" Jay encircle the crime scene with his pen. It was at the opposite of his apartment "I've made the trip myself, you take at least one hour between these two places, if we don't count the traffic on a Saturday night" He turned around, confident that his theory holds up.

Everyone seemed impressed by Jay's work. Erin looked at Logan relieved that Jay could have proved his innocence.

"Now we need to find your friend Logan!" Voight sais as he stepped back to his office.

Everyone got back to their respective desk.

After a few more hours of work, Jay decided to go to the break room to pour himself some coffee. Logan took the opportunity to talk to him.

Jay looked behind his shoulders as he heard footsteps following him. He looked back at his cup of coffee.

"I just wanted to thank you! It means a lot what you did…"

"I didn't do it for you! I did it for this team! Chicago needs good cops, and you are a good cop. So don't screw it up again. Don't give up on them again!" Jay replied coldly. Logan laughed. He couldn't believe what he just heard.

"You are not serious right now…" Logan retorted. Jay turned around to look at him with questioning eyes.

"You're not the one to talk about giving up 'cause all you've done is give up" Logan said out loud. "You bailed on me Jay. Three years ago! I looked you in the eyes and I begged you to stay and you turned your back on me like it was nothing" he paused. Then took a breath. "I've made a mistake; you've made a choice".

Jay looked behind Logan making this latter to look back as well. The whole team heard them fighting. Logan closed his eyes and Jay preferred to go back to his desk without saying a word. Even if he pretended to not be hurt by what Logan just told him, he was.

While Jay was finishing his, his phone rang. He looked surprised at first at the number, then answered it.

"Hello" he said, hesitant. After a few seconds of silence in the bullpen, Jay got up and took his vest "I'll be right there!" he added before hanging up. He walked at Voight's office and leant his body inside, his hands on the doorframe. "Sarg' I have something I need to take care of…"

Voight looked at him for more explanation.

"It's important…" Jay insisted.

"Go" Voight replied before Jay nodded and left.

When Jay arrived at the hospitals he headed toward the front desk. "Zack Corson please?" he asked the nurse. "Are you family?" she replied.

Of course he was. He was the only one left since Allie, his daughter and Abby his wife died because of him. "yes!" he retorted without hesitation.

The nurse took a minute to look at her computer to find Zack's room. Once she did, she looked up and smiled "Room 56".

"thanks" Jay said before he walked in the corridor.

He made his way to his room, to see a few nurses trying to handle the drunk Zack who was struggling to get up from his bed. "Just let me go you bitches! I'm fine…" he yelled at them. Jay didn't recognize him. He seemed shocked at who the man has become over the years. He made a few steps in before Zack caught him from the corner of his eyes. He stopped struggling. Jay asked the nurses to let them alone for a few minutes, that he would take care of it. They nodded and walked away. Zack was staring at Jay the whole time before he broke the silence by letting out a little laugh.

"Jay Halstead" he said. A small smile appeared on Jay's face. He was glad to see Zack again. Zack's ace darkened. "The man who has ruined my life, has brought nothing but pain and suffer" he said.

Jay's smile quickly disappeared.

"Zack I-"

"You came back to kill me too? My daughter and wife weren't enough?!". He cut off Jay. The venin was getting out of his mouth all at once. Jay frowned in confusion and shook his head.

"Zack I'm here to help you…" he tried to explain.

"Help me?" he scoffed. "I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you and I'm sure as hell I don't want your help!" Zack said coldly. He was drunk but his tone seemed like he was fully sober. "Everyone close to you dies Jay. Don't you know it already?" He looked at Jay right in the eyes. "So why are you here?! Huh?"

Jay didn't respond. He couldn't put a name on how he was feeling right now. He tried to talk but couldn't find the right words. Were there rightwords? No, he told himself. He couldn't imagine the pain Zack was feeling inside of him.

"Just get out!" Zack yelled at Jay. Jay's eyes became red; he shook his head trying to explain himself. But Zack was screaming and throwing everything he saw onto the floor; so hard that the nurses came back in the room to stop him from doing more damages. Jay was looking at them, powerless. He couldn't move, couldn't say anything. A nurse stepped forward to him and put her hands on his shoulders to make him step out of the room. Jay let himself be guided outside. He then stood there, looking at the wreck that was happening in the room. The nurses were injecting him something to make him calm down. He could hear Zack crying before being put in a sleep. Jay couldn't move. All he could hear was this phrase, resonating in his head " _Everyone close to you dies Jay."_ It was repeating over and over inside his head. After a moment, he realized he had nothing to do here anymore. He looked at the end of the corridor, at the exit, then back to Zack. He looked down and left.

Jay was at his new apartment in which he moved in 2 days ago. There was still cartoons everywhere, and mess all over his place. He only had a couch, a table and a TV on the wall. After the day he had passed, he was in a mood of drinking to forget all of this. So he called it sick. He knew he shouldn't. He couldn't be back at his old habits and fall into the alcohol to drown his sorrows. It took him 3 years to stop drinking excessively. Even if he needed to drink, he knew what were his limits.

The Tv was on, but his mind wasn't paying any attention of what was happening. His eyes got lost into the space. He couldn't shake what Zack told him out of his head. No matter how hard he tried to do it, it kept resonating in his mind.

Allie, Abby, Mouse. These were the three names that often came back to him. These three names reminded him what people close to him ended up like. It was a reminder to not let anyone close to him. That's the reason he never felt close to someone since 3 years. When he was getting close to anyone, he would leave the town and start over elsewhere. That what his life's been like for 3 years, full of start over, never peace.

And every time he thought maybe he could stop running, these three always came back to him, taking ove his mind.

He felt so guilty, remorseful and responsible. He knew their death was his fault.

A knock interrupted his thoughts. He looked at his door and back at the TV, taking another sip of his whiskey. He decided not to answer it, he wasn't in a mood for company. But knocks kept ranging at his door. He closed his eyes, his head fell on the back of his couch and sighed. He got up, determined to get ride of the person behind the door and go back at his activity.

He looked through the peephole, sighed at the person who was standing at the other end of his door and opened. He titled his head and looked her from the bottom up.

"Hey…" Erin whispered with her raspy voice while studying him. Then his eyes meet hers.

"You're interrupting my drink" he said as he turned around and walked back to his couch.

Erin stepped in and could see the bottle of whiskey on his coffee table. "I can see that…". She knew he had a few drinks before and that he wasn't totally sober. This meant that she would have difficulties trying to make him talk to her. Jay took back his glass of alcohol and sat back on his couch. He had one elbow on the armrest and the other hand was holding his glass.

"What do you want Erin?" he asked annoyed.

"I came to apologize and to tell you that we caught the suspect. But I'm mostly here to apologize" she replied truthfully as she walked toward the window which was in front of Jay. She turned around to look at him. She could see the confusion in his eyes.

"I was upset about Logan being messed up with this guy and I took it out on you which was totally unfair."

Jay slightly nodded, still not understanding why she came all along here. "okay…" he said a little perplexed.

"You know, Logan isn't the bad guy here" she turned around and looked through the window. Meanwhile, Jay rolled his eyes as he understood she was about to talk to him about her and Logan which was becoming to annoy him. "He's just trying to make things right and what happened between the two of you earlier…it doesn't look like him, he's just hurt and-"

Jay quickly rubbed his eyes with his right hand and stood up. "okay, um, did you just came here to talk about Logan?" he asked. Erin turned around with questioning eyes.

"No, I didn't, no! I- I'm here because I wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that if you ever need anything, I'm here…"

Jay's eyebrows slightly raised and a small smile appeared on his face.

"It sweat of you to come here and say what you did, but it's unnecessary. You are upset about Logan being mixed up with this guy but, you've said what you came to say and there are probably other things that requires your attention.".

Erin looked taken aback at his reply and at how cold Jay was acting right now.

"Is that your way telling me you want me to leave?"

"yeah... I think you should go!" Jay nodded.

"Okay I'm confused right now!" she said out loud.

"What don't you understand?!" he replied on the same tone.

"I don't understand this! I mean most of the time you are trying so hard to apologize and do anything you can to be friends again and now, I'm here and and- it feels like you are trying to get rid of me."

"I just realized that we couldn't be friends after all!" Jay replied looking at her seriously.

Erin immediately understood what he was trying to do.

"Stop! Do not start to mess it up." She said pissed off.

Jay let out a cold scoff before finishing his drink. He put it down violently on his coffee table and got up. He made his way to the window and looked through it, trying to clear his mind.

After a moment of silent, she softened her face and sighed. "I'm your friend Jay! Just talk to me?"

"stop pretending like you care about me" he yelled as he turned around to look at her. She could see the rage in his eyes. She didn't know from where it came from.

"I do care about you" she stepped forward. "What happened? I though we were getting along… so something must have happened since then. Tell me what?!" she asked loosing patience.

Jay turned around and faced the window once again. He closed his eyes. "Nothing. I just realized we can never be what we were… Something's changed. I'm not the same I was 3 years ago. This isn't gonna work." He said coldly, not able to look at her in the eyes.

Erin let out a cold scoff. She couldn't believe what he was doing. She should be used to it, being pushed away. She just shook her head, looked around and turned around, heading toward the door. She didn't hesitate an instant, she opened it and stormed out, slapping the door behind her.

When Jay arrived at Molly's he was still hesitant about his coming. He didn't really know why he was there. Anyway, when he stepped in, the first person he saw was Erin, waiting at the bar for her drinks. He looked elsewhere and saw Logan who seemed to be waiting for her. So he began to make his way toward her. She saw him getting closer to her.

Jay knew he had to apologize about last night, he was a dick and she didn't deserve that.

 _She didn't deserve that…_

Jay stopped in his way, he looked at her and he realized, she didn't deserve that, him, she didn't deserve him. Not in a way where he's to good for her, the other way. Having him in her life would be a mistake. And she didn't deserve having a messy life because of him. He turned around and made his way back to the exit. Erin asked Gabby to keep her drinks for her before leaving. Gabby looked at Erin running to the door to catch up with Jay. This was like old days. Every time Jay and Erin were in the same room, tension fulfilled this room. And it's always been like that, Erin pushing away Jay, Jay pushing away Erin, the one hurting the other.

"Jay wait!" she said out loud trying to stop him who was walking away pretty fast. Jay immediately turned around and make his way back to her immediately. He seemed disoriented and lost. But most of all agitated.

"I wanted to apologize and then I realized that I'm not sorry but you know what I really am? selfish, because I make bad choice and you're still you." He said in a rush.

"You push away anyone who can possibly care about you. Why is that." She asked him, so tired of all of this.

"Because it's easier. Because that' who I am. I'm this dick and I'm not gonna change!" he retorted, his jaw clenched, his hands moving in the space.

This was it. He was doing the same thing over and over to her. She wasso exhausted trying to understand him. She tried, she really tried, but it was becoming to be impossible to figure him out. And every time she tries to get into him he pushes her away. And it hurts her. Much more than he thinks. And he doesn't even realize that.

"That's what you do! You think you don't deserve something so you ruin it!"

Her voice broke as she felt so angry and upset. She shook her head and her eyes became red.

She stayed in front of him, waiting for him to do or say anything. But he didn't. He just looked at her with his sad face, unable to act. Erin shook her head, scoffed and turned around. She made her way back into Molly's, swiping any tears that came out from her eyes without her permission. Jay stayed were he was for a minute or two so he could clear his mind. He put his hands in the pocket of his vest and took a breath. Some steam got out from his mouth due to the cold temperature. Once he was good, he came back to Molly's to take a beer.

Gabby and Mark saw Erin coming back inside, upset, then a few seconds later, it was Jay's turn to come back. The two bartender looked at each other as they understood the two detectives had a fight once again. Even Gabby couldn't understand Jay and what was happening in his head.

Jay made his way to the bar and took a seat. He caught Gabby staring at him, asking with her eyes what was wrong with him. She seemed upset that Jay couldn't let himself be happy too.

Jay looked behind him to see Erin sit in front of Logan and smiling at him. Gabby looked in the same direction as Jay than nodded, thinking she understood what was happening in his mind. "Being in love with your best friend's girlfriend must be difficult." She said while cleaning the bar with a rag. Jay turned back to look at Gabby. He frowned and shook his head. "I'm not in love with anyone." He stated.

Gabby let out a small laugh "Wanna try that again?" she looked at him. Jay throw her a glare and took one sip of his beer. She knew Jay to well. She knew what he has been through and how he feels inside. And maybe she knows more than anyone does, along with Mark. These two are the only one with who Jay still talk. Gabby's face became serious and she crossed her arms. She seemed to realize something.

"You must be afraid that loving you would destroy her." Gabby said.

Jay straightened on his seat and took another gulp, avoiding any eyes contact with anyone.

Gabby understood she would touch a raw nerve.

"No matter what I say or what I do, I fail her…" he finally admitted. Gabby looked at him and he was a wreck. His face was mixed with sadness and fear.

An hour later, Erin walked towards the bar but at the end of it, as far as possible from Jay and waited for Mark to come to her so she could order a few more drinks. Once Mark made his way to her to bring her command, she find herself looking at Jay, talking to Gabby and another woman, who seemed to know Jay well as she was very close to him. Mark looked at the same spot that Erin was peering at and looked back at her.

"You okay?" he asked. Erin kept looking at Jay.

"I can't understand him. He's not the same." She slightly shook her head. Mark looked at Jay and after a few seconds of silence he looked back at Erin.

"Well you might already know that but, he's been through a lot. And because of what he's been through he's changed… I think he's so scared to accept what happened that he's become a completely different person." Mark admitted. And it hurt him to admit that his best friends won't be same he was. "Maybe you need to let go the old him…"

Erin looked from Jay to Mark with sad eyes. Maybe he was right. She just nodded and smiled at him before taking the drinks and heading back to her table.

The next morning, the whole team has been called on duty since they were on a new case open.

A girl has been found dead at her apartment along with her boyfriend next to her, both had bullets on their chest and bully.

After several hours of research, the team realized that the boyfriend had another girlfriend who seemed to be his for a longer time. And she has been seen getting out of crime scene the last. Voight ordered Antonio Logan, Erin and Jay to take a drive at this girlfriend's house.

Once they arrived, they knocked at the door but no respond. So they kicked down the door and made their way in. While Jay and Erin took the stairs, Logan and Antonio took the ground floor. Once every room were cleared they began to search for some clues in each rooms. While Jay was looking in the office, Erin was looking in the bathroom. But nothing. They met in the corridor and both walked in the room. It was a very big room. Closets on a whole wall, a huge bed…

While Erin opened the drawer of the beside table, Jay wasn't far enough, looking at the items on the shelf. Suddenly Jay heard a noise in one of the closet so he and Erin turned around but it was too late, the girl got out and pointed her gun at Erin. Erin was about to take out her gun but Jay's first instinct was to immediately made his way towards Erin, took her arm and pulled her closer to him. He turned around with her so the gun was targeting his back. Everything happened so fast, Jay acted quickly. The gun shot rang and both Jay and Erin were pulled toward the wall due to the violence of the impact.

Jay put his right hand on the wall to support himself while the other hand was around Erin's waist. There bodies were pressed to one another. Erin looked at Jay with worry eyes, her mouth agape.

The girl ran off but was soon followed by Antonio. She jumped through the window and arrived in the streets so Logan pursued her as Antonio quickly came back to the room.

Erin was looking at Jay. She didn't know if the bullet has hit the vest or if he has been wounded elsewhere. She was between the wall and Jay who was still supporting himself, breathless. She wrapped her hands around his waist and tried to pass her hands all along his back to find the hole.

She sighed of relieve when she could feel the bullet stuck in the vest. She gave Antonio a look so this latter could pursue the girl as well.

Jay was regaining his breath as Erin tried to support him and made him sit on the bed. Jay had so much pain in his back. He figured out she might have shoot him with a pretty good gun.

"God, this was stupid" she whispered as she stroked the back of his neck while he was taking back his breathe.

He looked at her doing so "If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead right now!".

She just nodded with a small smile that was thanking him and got up. She took him by the waist and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders so he could lay on her. They began to walk downs the stairs and Erin helped him getting into the car.

Once they were at the district, they walked until they reached the locker room and Jay sat on the bench. It really hurt since the girl was close to him when she shot. Erin helped him getting his vest off then his Tee shirt. She looked at his back and caught some ugly blues. It was nothing serious but she could understand his pain. She took out from the cupboard a large bandage and came back to Jay.

"Get up" she unrolled the bandage while Jay got up in front her. She looked at the bandage then her eyes moved up to his torso.

It was nothing she's never see before, or even touch. She remembered very well the last time she did, because this time she'd sleep with him. But it's the first time she saw him this naked since their night together. And it felt strange. She shook her head to take off all images of them from her head and focused on the bandage. She wrapped her hands around his waist to wind the bandage around it.

When she finished looked up to see he was staring at her. She felt destabilized and she needed to take a safe distance from him, so she stepped back, giving him back his shirt so he could put it back. Antonio arrived at this moment and looked at Jay "We caught her. She is in the cage!" before walking back to the bullpen.

"This bitch is dead…" Jay put his tee shirt on and began to make his way out of the locker room.

"What are you gonna do?" Erin followed him, confused.

"Make her pay". His voice was determined.

"You are not gonna-" she tried to stop him but was cut off.

"Watch me". He seemed very pissed off.

"You do that and I swear to god I'm not talking to you anymore" she retorted in a rush. Jay stopped and turned around to look at her. He frowned.

"What makes you think that has any power over me?" he glared at her " 'Cause I took a bullet in the back for you?" he titled his head. "You are severely overestimating yourself". After a few seconds he turned around and resumed his walk "Relax I'm just gonna have a talk with her!"


	36. Chapter 36

**LINSTEADDDDD! Just a reminder that Riley is a girl who lost her boyfriend who ended up being killed by a gang because of drugs, it happened in a previous case. Jay sees himself in her.**

Today was a quiet day in Intelligence. The whole team was doing paperwork, talking, resting. But they knew they wouldn't come home early considering the amount of paperwork they had on their respective desk. They were just all very impatient to be the next day since it was the week end.

It was 9 pm, Ruzek, Atwater, Erin, Jay and Logan were still working. Logan got up from his chair, closed the fills he's been working on and took his vest. He made his way toward Erin and leant on it. "you still coming to my place tonight?!" he asked her with a grin. She smiled and nodded. He leant closer to her and gave her a quick kiss. Jay rolled his eyes and tried to focus back on his work. Logan walked away, letting the field of vision for Erin to see Jay in front of her. He had this expression on his face, she could tell he pretended to not pay attention to them by reading his file but she knew he seemed upset. But she wasn't gonna say anything to him. First because there was nothing to tell about and second, even if there was anything to tell she wouldn't because he made it clear he didn't want to do anything with her last night. He rejected her once again.

Soon after, it was Ruzek to call it off. he threw his pen on his desk and leant back on his chair. "I feel like my head is gonna explode! I can't see anymore! Atwater I think you're gonna have to drive me home" he exaggerated as he rubbed his eyes.

Jay and Erin chuckled. Atwater got up smiling as well. "Come on! Let's go!" he said. The two friends left, waving at Jay and Erin in their way out.

It was sudden all very quiet, an awkward silence filled the room.

Then a few minutes later, Jay's phone rang. It was Riley. The two of them exchanged a few texts a week so he was sure she was fine. The well being of this girl is very important for him. He cares a lot about her. He sees a lot of himself in her, the pain she feels, the loneliness in which she lives.

Jay answered the call to hear heavies breathes. "Riley you okay?!" Jay asked worried.

Erin looked up from her work and looked at Jay. She could see his face becoming white. She tried to ask him what was happening with her eyes.

"Riley tell me where you are!" he asked. "okay stay here and don't anything stupid! Please?!" he got up. "Riley I-" He looked at his phone and realized she just hanged up. "shit!"

Erin got up as well. "What's wrong?" she asked concerned.

"It's riley! I don't know what's wrong with her!" he said as he took his vest. "I'm going!" he added.

"I'm coming with you!". This wasn't a question, she took her vest and followed him.

They both ran toward Jay's car. This latter drove as fast as he could and could feel that Erin seemed more serene when he is the one driving instead of Logan.

He focused his attention back to the road and drove faster. The drive seemed like an eternity for him, so when he arrived at destination, he quickly got out. Erin followed. Jay looked up at the building in front of them and could see a silhouette in the dark on the rooftop.

"There!" he pointed his finger. "Let's go!" Erin said as they both ran toward the building.

When Jay and Erin reached the rooftop, they saw Riley on the low wall separating the ground and the emptiness. She had just one step to make for her to fall. Jay's heart began to race; he could feel the blood coursing through his veins and his body contracting itself.

He tried to approach her very carefully, ensuring to not do a single violent move.

"Riley, come down! I guarantee you, you don't wanna do this!"

She shook her head while looking down at the street.

"I know people are worried, everybody's been looking at me." She began to say with a breaking voice. "Waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or become a mess" she paused. "like some bomb everybody think is supposed to go off." She took a deep breath, while Jay tried move forward, step by step "Every man I've ever loved has died. My dad, my boyfriend… Thank you, universe!" she said out loud rising her arms toward the sky. Then she calmed down. "So I should be like greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat crap crazy…" she paused once again. "But I'm good" she laughed "I got this, I'm fine. I'm telling you, I'm amazing. I am entertaining, joke, joke, joke. I'm funny." She began to yell at the world, waving her hands in the air again. Jay was more and more worried she would do a wrong gest and fall. He stopped and raised his hand toward her. "I'm fun, I'm a party, I'm doing… I'm great. I was fine. It was managed." Her voice broke. Tears rolled her cheeks as she quickly swiped them.

Erin was listening to her and she could feel her pain. No one deserved to be that miserable. But she couldn't do anything, she barely knew her, she had no connection with her. So she let Jay handling this. She looked at him and she could see he was very affected by riley hopelessness.

"Riley?" he got closer, his hands still raised. "You are not supposed to be… managing it. You are supposed to be feeling it…" he paused. "Grief, loss, pain… Its normal."

Riley frowned and scoffed "It's not normal."

"It is normal." He retorted. "It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it." He paused.

"Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you shoved it all down. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it…" he paused as he understood something "Instead of dealing with being hurt, and alone and afraid that this horrible feeling is all there is… I ran from it!" he looked behind him to look at Erin. She was watching him with her sad eyes and her small smile. He looked back at Riley and tried to catch her eyes. "We do these things! We run off and we, we medicate, we do whatever it takes to, cover up and dull the sensation but it's not normal." His voice slightly broke "We are supposed to feel, we are supposed to love, hate and hurt and grieve, and break and… be destroyed and… we rebuilt ourselves to be destroyed again! That is human, that is humanity. It's being alive, that's the point, that's the entire point!" he said out loud trying to convince her "Don't avoid it. Don't. extinguish it." He seemed so sad and affected by what was happening right now, Erin thought he was about to break down. But she knew he wouldn't, he wasn't the type of crying that easily.

Riley turned her head and looked down at Jay as she shook her head. "I don't want to feel it. I don't think I can." She cried. Jay got even closer, maybe a little too much for Erin. He had no choice but to climb on the low wall to be next to her.

"You're gonna survive this…" he tried to convince her. "Everybody does. I thought I would never get over the pain but I did." He admitted. He looked at her with his honest and yet, heartbroken eyes. He raised his hand toward her so she would take it and let him walk her down to the ground. She looked at it then looked up to meet his eyes. She shed one last tear and took his hand. Jay quickly grabbed her and walk them down. He put her in a hug and stroke her hair, trying to comfort her while she was sobbing. Erin could finally let out a relief sigh.

"I'll let you in on a little secret" Jay whispered to her. "There is a whole world out there waiting for you genuine beauty!". She let out a little laugh which made him smile.

Jay looked at Erin while hugging Riley. Their eyes instantly connected, and his body relaxed as he met her soulful eyes and her soft smile.

Erin found herself standing in front of Jay's door. She didn't exactly know the reason of why she was here. But it just felt right to her. She sighed and decided to knock. Soon after the door opened.

 **"** Hey…" she said softly with a small smile.

Jay nodded and stepped back to let her in. She walked in, made a few steps before turning around. Erin could see him questioning her with his eyes. She smiled and slightly nodded before breaking the silence.

"I came to make sure you were okay, after tonight…"

He held her gaze and then made his walk toward the window, his glass of whiskey in his hands.

"I appreciate the gesture. I'm just glad it's over." He replied vaguely.

"That's it?" She knew he was felling a lot more than just that.

"What do you want me to say Erin?!" He asked her annoyed turning around.

"Just talk to me Jay! talk to me!" she replied seriously loosing her patience.

"Okay what's the real reason of your presence here Erin?!" he instantly asked. She didn't respond at first, which made the silence unbearable for him.

"What?! I told you, I'm here to make sure you are okay!" she replied confused which made him scoff.

"I'm done playing now!" he sighed as he rubbed his eyes with his hand. Erin stared at her partner, shook her head confused and then decided to drop it. She turned around and walked away from him. "I have no idea what you are even talking about Jay…"

He followed her "I think you do! We have been doing this song and dance every since I came back to this town…"

"No I haven't been doing anything. I'm with Logan. We are together!" she said out loud turning around.

"Okay so if you are so damn happy with him why are you still trying to make excuses to come over here" he replied on the same tone.

"Do not turn this out on me!" she pointed her finger at him, now angry.

"No you came here" he said pissed off.

"To apologize!" she retorted, pretending she was above the chemistry they had between them and that he was crazy for acknowledging it.

"Really you have to come all away over here to apologize Erin? You couldn't just call or send me a text message."

"No, I-I-" she was trying to search her words but was cut off by Jay.

"You what? Why did you come here Erin?!". He asked with desperation in his voice.

She looked at him in the eyes, confused. "Why are you doing this?!" her voice broke.

"Because I'm sick of the lies-"

She scoffed as a tear rolled down her cheek without her permission.

"What do you want me to say?" she asked him with her husky voice. She ran her hands up through her hair and left them there while she just stared at him.

They looked at each other for a minute or two. Neither of them able to break this heavy silence. But Erin got lost into his beautiful blue eyes. The tension fulfilled the room in one instant.

He suddenly gripped her waist and slammed her back into the wall. Rationality told her to pull away, to force their bodies into an awkwardness and watch as he leaves. But the pressure of his lips on hers was too convincing.

So she simply let herself be pulled into Jay's gravity, succumbing to desires she wasn't completely certain she had.

He lowered his mouth and began to passionately and roughly kiss her. His hand wrapped around her waist as the other hand pressed against the wall to hold himself inches in front of her. Erin was just as avidly kissing back.

He could feel her deep breathes as she anticipated his kisses on her neck. His lips were working fast on it, and the sensation was overwhelming. Desperate for contact, Erin's hands were everywhere; tugging at his shirt, running through his hair, at the nape of his neck. She felt impossibly hot as his fingertips dipped beneath the material of her shirt, meeting soft skin.

She crossed her arms and quickly pulled off her shirt, watching him smile as he did so, before getting her chest closer against his, kissing him again. Erin's fingers fell to the grooves of his abs. They both broke apart, unclipping their jeans before wrapping their arms back around each other.

She wrapped her legs tight around his waist, pulling him closer. Her back was slammed to the wall once again. After a moment he spun her around, carrying her to his room.

They fell back onto the bed; still in hold; not losing their connection. Jay continued to kiss her, tracing his thumb back and forth along her thigh. Erin burned under the pressure of his hand on her thigh and she knew there was something so wrong in how she curves her back to ensure there's not a single millimetre between them. In no more than 5 seconds, the rest of their clothes were thrown onto the floor.

In one quick movement, she was now the one on top of him, taking the control of their actions. After a few minutes, Erin, who was on Jay, pulled back a little; using her arms to hold her up, her eyes locked with Jay's. Jay stared at her and brushed a strand of hair that fell into her face back behind her ear. She smiled slowly, as her lips made their way back on his in a slow and tender kiss.

Jay sat himself up, wrapping one arm around her waist while his other supported his weight. Erin was still on top of him. She wrapped her right arm around his neck so they wouldn't loose contact while her left hand was on his cheek. He leaned into her, his lips beginning a trail of kisses down her neck causing Erin to dig her nails into him. "Fuck" she breathless whispered as she let out a slow moan while she threw her head back.

They both fell onto their side of the bed, heavy sighs. Both couldn't believe what they have just done. After a long silence, Erin got up, wrapping the sheets around her chest and walked to the bathroom taking her clothes on her way. Jay put back his boxer and got up as well.

When Erin finished getting dress, she slowly opened the door of the bathroom and watched Jay putting back his shirt. She leant on the doorframe staring at him. He turned around as he could feel her eyes on him. He looked at her as well, neither knowing what to say.

"We had sex" Erin decided to talk first.

He nodded "We had sex…"

"And that was…" she added but was cut off by Jay.

"don't say it… please"

He knew exactly what she was gonna say. But he didn't want to hear it. This night confused him even more. His mind was made up, he needed to get his distance with her.

Jay constantly lives with the certainty that everyone close to him will suffer one day. And he didn't regret this moment he spent with her. But it was a mistake he thought. He shouldn't have done this. And in the same moment, he wanted her so much. Anyway, he was so confused right now and hearing Erin's thought would only make him more confused.

"excuse me?" she asked taken aback.

"Whatever you wanna say, please don't say it" he repeated with sadness in his voice, knowing he was about to hurt her again by pushing her away.

She let out a cold laugh. She realized he was doing this to her again. She felt so dumb for being this naïve with him.

"Don't you see? This is what you do. You just decide how things are gonna go" she began to yell at him.

"I am not the one deciding in this situation!"

"Of course you're the one deciding!" she replied with her jaw clenched.

"What?!"

"Jay, you're always deciding! You decide to leave. You decide to stay. You decide you need me, then you decide you don't. You decide we can talk. You decide we cannot!" she needed to have this talk with him. She was done watching him avoiding the talk they needed to have.

"I don't want to talk because I know what you're gonna say!" he replied out loud.

"You don't know what I'm going to say!" she retorted on the same tone, pissed off.

"I'm pretty sure I do."

"It doesn't matter! You don't!" she yelled.

"Fine! Tt-then go ahead! Say it."

there was a heavy silence before Erin talked again.

"I was clear about this, my mind was made up. I knew it was best for me to move forward no matter how hard…" she paused, closed her eyes and tried to calm herself before continuing, "I knew what I had to do. But it is not clear for me anymore. This is… I- When I look at you I stop thinking, when I let myself just be with you. All I saying is that I don't know what I want anymore."

Jay realized they were both on the same point. Both confused about the situation, not knowing where they were going. They both hang in silence for a minute or two, trying to gather their thoughts.

Erin looked up at him and sighed. "Why did you came back?!" She asked. She could see the confusion in his eyes at her question. "In the first place, why did you came back?"

"I told you, for the case. You guys were in danger." He replied but wasn't looking her in the eyes. He didn't know how act. He was lying and she could feel it.

"The real reason Jay!" she insisted.

"It is the real reason! Why do you think there is another?!" he looked at her in the eyes.

She doesn't respond. This is how he wanted to go with. She scoffed and turned away, took her stuff and walked toward the exit. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"It was a perfect night… in New York." He began to talk, making her stop. She turned around to face him. "Then suddenly… My heart sank I couldn't move, I couldn't think, and once I managed to at least move, all I could think about is one moment you and I shared years ago over and over, that same insignificant moment repeated in my head. I can't tell you why." After a long moment of silence, she spoke.

"What moment?"

Jay looked at her, hesitating at if he should keep talking. But when he was about to respond his phone rang. She closed her eyes as she realized whoever was calling him had just ruined their moment of confession.

Erin was sitting at the bar. This time she was alone. No company. Just Gabby in front of her. They were talking about everything. Then gabby decided to talk about more serious stuff.

"so… How is it going on with Logan?!"

Erin looked up at Gabby and her previous smile disappeared. Her chest loosened as she was relieved that someone was finally asking her. She looked at Gabby a long minute before speaking. "Okay I screwed up!" she said in a rush like she had to say it out.

Gabby's face became fully serious and her posture straightened up.

"Please don't tell me you slept with Jay…"

Erin looked surprised at how Gabby was perceptive. It even frightened her a little. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yeah it is…" Gabby exhaled. She shrugged her shoulders with a small smile.

Erin let out a heavy sigh. She passed her hands through her hair before taking the shot in front of her. "I don't know… I was still pissed at him, for leaving." Gabby looked at the lost woman in front of her. "I can't love him and I can't hate him." She laughed at how pathetic her situation was. "I just need to nothing him… feel nothing… not care about him." She paused and slightly shook her head. "But I can't. It's like… he's in me. He is like a decease and I'm infected by Jay Halstead." She was deep in her thoughts, playing with the shot. "maybe all of this is a mistake…". Gabby was staring at her, trying to find the right words to comfort her.

"Well… sometimes, what makes it like a mistake eventually ends up being completely the opposite. And um… a guy who seems like he's wrong for a million reasons somehow… ends up like he is right…".


	37. Chapter 37

**Hey guys, so this is the last chapter I think… I don't know if I'll continue it or start a new one.** **I don't know, maybe continuing this story with Jay being called back to the Rangers or something else. If you guys have any idea let me know!** **Anyway, I think you'll love this chapter, please read until the end. And tell me what you thought about it! Linstead all the way…**

"HOLD ON ERIN!" he begged, keen on rescuing the girl stuck in the car under the water. Jay frantically dove back into the water, moving straight down to her leg upon believing that he could free it in an instant. He was so focused on the task of releasing Erin's stuck leg that he failed to notice how her body once again convulsed for several moments before she grew completely calm. When he failed to achieve his goal without growing short of air he decided to keep on, not coming back to the surface without her.

Yet he quickly noticed that Erin was floating lifelessly, her hazel eyes open and lacking focus and her body unresponsively limp. He momentarily froze realizing that she was slipping through his fingers, that he would lose her if he wouldn't get her out of there quickly, but he instantly came to his senses, unwilling to accept the possibility that she would just die there in that car, when they had all their lives ahead of them.

With anger surging in his body at the unfairness of the situation he was being put in, Jay shoved the steering column and pulled Erin's leg with more force than he had ever thought he would use upon her delicate body and finally her slender leg drooped downwards, floating freely like the rest of her body. Not wasting even a second, Jay fastened his arms around Erin's unconscious form and began rising back up to the night's stormy air, praying with all his heart that he wasn't too late…

Rising up above water-level, Jay's lungs forced him to quickly inhale air, yet when Erin's limp body grew heavier in his arms as he lifted her from the water, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew that the girl in his arms, who hadn't moved once since he had pulled her out of the car, might not be alive anymore.

He quickly raced back up to the bridge and lowered Erin's motionless body to the asphalt, making sure to cradle her head so it won't get hurt. Giving Erin one short look, Jay realized he couldn't waste even one more second and quickly began performing CPR- giving her chest compressions and afterwards pausing to breathe air into her mouth.

"COME ON, ERIN, FIGHT!" he urged her, feeling the blood draining out of his face as time passed by and Erin didn't seem to be responding at all to his actions.

"COME ON, ERIN, NOT LIKE THIS!" he pleaded with her in the midst of his actions, feeling as though he was slowly losing her more and more. "Come back to me!" he begged her before once again pressing his mouth to hers and pushing air into her body, hoping that he could bring her back to life from the unconscious state she was slipping more and more into before it would be too late.

As her lips began turning blue and her pulse continued weakening, Jay felt a lump forming in his throat. Erin was lying sprawled out in front of him and running out of time all because of him.

Shaking his head, Jay tried to rid himself of his disturbing thoughts and bent down, once again blowing oxygen into Erin's mouth and afterwards continuing to compress her chest. Upon noticing no change in her demeanour, however, his mind wandered over to all the things he wanted to see Erin doing in her life; At that moment, however, he only wanted one thing, he was desperately begging her for one thing.

"COME ON, ERIN, BREATHE!" his voice broke within the minutes of falling to wake her up.

The few people who witnessed the scene immediately called 911 which arrived on the scene pretty soon after. The paramedic rushed to them with a stretcher. Once they put her onto it, Jay never left her side, still performing the CPR.

"Let me take it from here!" One of the paramedic said. After some hard attempt to distance Jay from Erin, he decided to let them make their job. But he never left her side.

"Give her three milligram of epinephrine!" one of the other paramedic ordered while the other injected it to her.

"Let's go!" he added while getting up with Erin on the stretcher. They quickly made their way to the ambulance.

Jay let them no other choice but to let him go with them in the trunk. While they were still trying to inject the same liquid as earlier and massage her, Jay was sitting behind her head, stroking her hair.

He was a mess, devastated at the though of loosing her. He was trying to whisper words so she would wake up. "Come on Erin wake up!" kissing her forehead. "I don't know who I am without you…" he closed his eyes letting tears rolling on his cheeks. He felt hopeless, powerless, responsible.

"FIVE MINUTES AWAY!" the driver yelled.

Jay looked at the paramedic trying to resuscitate her. This latter looked at Jay and Jay could fell the loose of hope in the man's eyes. He slightly shook his head and looked back at Erin laid in front of him. He leant toward her ear "Here is a secret baby" he stroked her hair "you control the hole thing. If you live if you die, it's all up to you. So whatever fight you have in there… you have to pull it out now!" he said one last time before looking at her intensely. His eyes were full of hope as he waited for her to wake up. But nothing happened. The paramedic stopped doing compression. He was desperate as well.

Jay's hopes turned down. He shook his head as he realized she might be dead. Her immobility took his breath away. Literally, he couldn't breathe anymore. He slowly straightened, moved back from her but still looking at her, realizing she was dead.

Suddenly the paramedic hit her chest with his own elbow. This was the last resort he could do and it was a risky one, trying to make her heart beat again and make her lungs reject the water. Jay looked chocked at first then looked back at Erin, his eyes filled with hope again.

She suddenly coughed out the water in her system and began to gasp for air in frantic wheezes.

"It's O.K., it's O.K…." Jay reassured her as she struggled to refill her suffocating lungs with much needed oxygen, shaking with her uncontrollable coughs and sharp intakes of air.

She was scared and disoriented.

This latter let out a gasp of relieve and joy. He immediately bent over her and kissed her forehead.

The paramedic rapidly took care of her come back by injecting her something else inside her arm. While doing so, Jay moved next to her so he could take her head in his hands. "You're okay, you're alive!" he whispered but it was more to reassure himself.

Once they arrived at the hospitals, she was taken immediately by the others doctors and that's when Jay lost her trace.

"Where is she?!" Voight stormed into the hospital, looking around him, searching for his girl. Jay got up form the waiting room and made his way toward Erin's father figure.

"Hank!"

Voight knows that when cops of his unit calls him by his first name, it isn't good.

Rage filled his eyes as he rushed toward Jay. He gripped Jay by the collar and pushed him against the closest wall.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HER?!"

Jay waved his hands up, as a surrender, letting him yell at him. Truthfully he would have done the same thing. Everything was his fault. He was the one driving while purchasing a car.

 _Something went wrong while they reached the bridge. The purchased car collided with Jay's and Erin's car. At first, Jay succeed to maintain them on the road but the last bump was to violent. Jay lost the control of the wheel and the car crossed the bridge to end into the water. When the two of them gained back their consciousness, the water reached their neck and was keeping filling the car very fast._

 _"_ _Jay! My leg…" Erin breathed out. "My leg is stuck!" she said in a rush, looking at the water rising up._

 _"_ _Hold on!" Jay was trying to get rid of his seatbelt. Once he did, he leant over Erin. He plunged his head in the water to look at her leg stuck. He rose back and looked on the back of the car._ _Erin's frantic gasped for air rang in his ears as he searched the car. But all Jay could hear was his racing heartbeat and Erin's unhealthily strained intakes of breath as she struggled to keep her head above the rising water-level._

 _After what seemed like an eternity, he found the bar of metal he was searching for._

 _"Jay… Jay…" her voice was desperate. All she managed to utter in her current state was his name, but through that single word, she was able to express a million different things; she was telling him that she was truly struggling to breathe, she was telling him that she was terrified that she would drown and she was begging him to save her from the nightmare she wished she could wake up from, yet knew was a reality._

 _"_ _Hold on Erin! I got you!" he moved back to the front of the car and plunged his head back toward her leg._

 _While he was underwater struggling to unblock her leg, she managed to take one last breath before she was completely engulfed in water._

 _Jay rose back up to take a breath of oxygen. Much to his horror, as he turned to face the spot where he had left Erin, he saw a rapid flow of water, yet no sign of her._

 _"ERIN!" with his heart thumping in his chest wildly, Jay speedily made his way back under the water, realizing that it was up to him to get her out of that car, that if he would fail- she would die and he would spend an entire lifetime feeling inconsolably, guilty and heartbroken, if he would ever even be able to breathe without her in this world…_

While Voight was still holding Jay against the wall, Dr. Rhodes appeared. Voight immediately let go of Jay, questioning the doctor with his eyes.

"She is fine." He said. "She is a little shaken but she will be better."

Voight breathed out a heavy and relieved sighed. "Can I see her?" Voight asked still concerned, he needed to make sure she was alive. Rhodes nodded and accompanied Voight to her room. Jay didn't move an inch. Of course he wanted to see her. But was that a good idea? The phrase that Allie's father told him came back to him, resonating into his mind _"_ _Everyone close to you dies Jay"._ Jay couldn't face the damage he had done to her. He was so ashamed for putting her in danger when he knew he was a danger to her. So he left the hospitals, well aware she would hate him for not coming to see her.

Voight arrived in front of her room. He knocked and smiled at her when she opened her eyes.

"Hey…" he whispered to not rush her.

Erin blinked a few times and smiled at him. "Hey…" she replied with her raspy voice.

"How are you holding up?" he asked her with his concerned face.

she took a minute to sit on her bed before responding. "Okay… I guess."

"You got us worried for a minute…" he chuckled nervously at the thought of loosing her.

She looked at him with a serious face, telling him not to worry. "I'm fine Hank…".

Voight nodded and looked at his girl. This latter turned her gaze through the door and her face seemed disappointed.

"Jay isn't here?!" She could feel Hank's body contracting once she asked. This was bad. "What?! Is he okay?!" she asked, now being the one concerned.

"He's more than fine!" he replied coldly. Although, he was surprised that she didn't ask for Logan.

"Hank, this wasn't his fault…" she tried to plead his innocence. She needed Voight to understand that Jay would never do anything that would put her in danger.

"It's never his fault anyway…" he replied rolling his eyes as he stepped back to sit on the armchair next to her.

"Hank…" Erin warned her father figure to stop this behavior. "Stop. You don't know a thing!"

"Oh I know enough!" he began to argue.

"It doesn't matter you don't! We were chasing a guy that rolled off and he bumped into us. We ended up in the water. My leg was trapped and Jay was the one to get me out." She explained pissed off by Voight's attitude. "I'll be dead right now without him."

"No, without him you wouldn't be in this hospital. You would have been at your apartment safe and sound."

Erin shook her head and closed her eyes while he was speaking. "Stop!"

"God Erin can't you see that when the two of you are working together you always end up into dangerous situation?! First, him when he was captured by Carl and Henry while you were who knows where and now you while he was driving…"

"You made sure as hell nothing happens between us, and we respected that, both of us. What more do you want from us!" she said angry.

"Do you realize what you are saying?" he asked, now pissed. "You are with Logan for damn sick!"

She shut her mouth and looked down.

Voight looked at her. He was concerned of her well being. He knew that she wasn't the same since Jay came back. She was more distant, always in her thoughts, sometimes pissed at the team for no reason. He wasn't dumb. He knew this was about Jay. He just wished he was wrong. But he couldn't fight their connection any longer and avoid what was happening in front of his eyes. Maybe the only way for her and the team go be safe was for her to make the right choice and be fully happy. This way, there wouldn't be any tension in the team.

"Erin you need to figure things out. Or someone will end up really hurt!" he sighed. They looked at each other before Voight decided to get up. "I'll let you rest! Come back when you are ready." He said before kissing her forehead and leaving.

Two days later, Erin was out of the hospital. Logan proposed to bring her home but she kindly reclined, assuring him she was fine. Logan would show up every time he had some time off. She was happy to see him, really, but she always seemed to have her mind on something else, making her mentally absent while she was physically present. And Logan noticed that. He just thought it was because she was still a little shook up.

Jay didn't came visit her once. He never answered her calls and she learned by Logan that he took some time off, but that he asked for news about her anyway.

After a few days off, and a lot of time to think, Erin knew what she had to do, and she wasn't gonna wait any longer. She took her car keys and drove at Logan's place. Once she arrived in front of his apartment door, she breathed out a heavy sigh and knocked. Her heart began to race when she heard the footstep coming closer to the door.

"Hey…" she practically whispered when her boyfriend opened the door.

Logan analyzed her face then stepped back to let her in. He closed the door and joined her in his living room. Even if they were facing each other, Erin couldn't make herself looking at him; Instead, she was looking down at her feet with her arms crossed.

"You okay?!" he asked concerned.

"I-" she began to talk but stopped. She didn't know how to do that. The right words didn't come. "God I thought this would be easier…" she sighed, nervous. She took a long breath and decided to go for it. "I'm sorry Logan I can't do this anymore…" she practically whispered with her raspy voice. It was very emotional for to break up with him. He had been her rock for years, the one that comforted her in hard situation, the one to protect her and was there for her. The one that shared his life with her. But it didn't felt right for her to continue this relation when she clearly had feelings for another man. And it wouldn't have been fare to him to make him endure this.

Logan looked confused at first. He clearly didn't expect this when she showed up at his door. He was confused and didn't understood where this came from. He looked at her intensely, trying to analyze her emotions, her body language.

Then understood. His body loosened and his face had no more expression on it. They hanged there, in silence, for a long instant. Then Logan needed to break the silence, he needed to ask the question. He looked down at her.

"Are you in love with him?" He didn't have to name the person in question, they both knew who they were talking about. It had been a moment since he wanted to ask her this but he never really had the courage of affronting the reality.

She didn't respond. First because she couldn't tell him the truth, it was too damn hard and didn't want to hurt him. And she couldn't bring the right words. But she wasn't gonna lie either. So she decided to keep her mouth shut, hoping he would understand.

Logan looked elsewhere, understanding what her silence meant. "Right." He sighed. "I guess I already knew that didn't I ?...". Surprisingly, he stayed very calm and mature. She looked up, got closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. She didn't move back after that.

"I am so so sorry…" she whispered to his ear before leaving.

When she was out of his building, Erin had one thing on her mind, seeing Jay. It's been too long since they haven't seen each other –since the accident and she needed to talk to him.

So she drove at his place but when she arrived in front of his door, she hesitated.

She paced in the corridor for what seemed to be an eternity, trying to figure out what she was gonna tell him, what her presence here really meant for the two of them.

Then she turned around to look at the door, stepped closer and knocked.

When Jay opened the door, he seemed very surprise to see her here. But he didn't open the door entirely. So Erin pushed it so she could make all her way in, in need to talk to him.

When she arrived in the living room, she looked around and could see a bag on his bed, half packed. She turned her head to look at him, confusion all over her face. She glared at him and he lowered his eyes. She looked back at the bag and then closed her eyes realizing what he intended to do. She shook her head and opened her eyes.

"Jay this wasn't your fault!" she said in a rush, stepping closer to him. He wanted to leave. But Jay stepped back. "Yes it was!" he replied, avoiding her glare.

"Everyone who seems close to me end up hurt one way or another, and I won't take the risk of loosing you. Not after what happened!"

"You couldn't have avoided this!"

"This is exactly my point. I can't avoid this, and I'll never be able to!" he retorted.

"So what?! You were just gonna leave again, without saying goodbye?! Is that you intended to do?!" she asked angry.

"I was gonna tell you goodbye!" he said painfully.

Erin scoffed. "right!" Her hands found her waist. "I'm not going to have this conversation again. I can't just sit here while I'm waiting for you to come back!"

"I don't want that, either." He looked at her, sad.

"Then stay! Just be the love of my life!" she said out loud smiling painfully.

"I'm sorry, Er. I can't do that" he finished packing his things and walked away, deliberately leaving Erin behind. Erin stood in shock, in the center of the living room, not believing that he was gonna leave her again.

Another sob falls from her lips.

"No. No. No! Don't you dare walk away from me!" she yelled at him turning around to face his back which stopped on his way out. "I swear to God, Jay, if you take one more step, we are done, okay? No more surprises, no more excuses, no more chances. We are done!" her voice broke.

This tore his heart apart. If there was any other option, he would take it. But he couldn't take the chance of loosing her.

"I'm doing this for your sake! To protect you!" he said desperate.

"I don't need protection! All I need is you!" she claimed out loud.

His eyes closed. "It's easier with him." he admitted in a nonchalant way, referring to Logan. He needed to be as cold as possible so it would be easier for her to let him go.

"God this is stupid!" she let out a tearful laugh, running her hands through her hair. She couldn't believe he was playing the Logan's card to get rid of her.

Everything Jay could think about when he imagined himself and Erin together was the danger he would make her leave, daily. He turned around and looked at her, her eyes full of desperation and sadness.

"What do you want from me, Erin, huh?" he asked waving his hands in the air, dropping his bag on his way.

"I want you to stop acting like you don't give a crap about us. Like nothing we went through matters. It's bullshit!" she yelled full of rage.

"Is that what you think?" he replied angry as well.

"That's what I know."

"You don't know nothing." He let out a cold laugh, shaking his head.

"I know you look at me and you just see another dead girl. I'm not Allie. I'm not Abby. And you don't get to treat me like crap just because you're afraid!"

"I ain't afraid of nothing." He replied really angry this time.

Erin stayed silent for a minute or two, trying to gather her thoughts. Then she stepped closer to him. Jay turned away from her so he didn't have to look at her. It was already too painful this way.

Erin got closer to him, put her hands on his back, closed her eyes and sighed.

"I don't know what you're so mad about and I don't know what you're scared of because you won't talk to me." She paused "But I'm scared to!".

Jay turned around and didn't wait a second before answering her. "You wanna know what I'm scared of?!" he yelled turning back to look at her in the eyes. Erin looked taken aback at his tone and the sudden of his reply. She eyed him, confused, waiting for him to say what he was afraid of.

"I'm scared of everything!" he yelled out "I'm scared to move, I'm scared to breathe, I'm scared to touch you." He took a minute to take a breath never breaking their glance. "I can't loose you. I won't survive." He paused. "And that's your fault! You made me love you, you made me let you in and then you freaking died in my arms!" still yelling at her. She didn't know what to reply. This situation was so messed up. They were a mess. She took a breath and looked up, her hands on her waist.

"so what do you want?" she asked him once and for all, not leaving before having a serious answer to all of her questions. Jay sighed, his posture relaxed and his face softened. He took a minute or two to look at how beautiful the woman standing in front of him was and how painfully his next declarations were gonna be.

"I want you to get everything you are looking for. I just…" he paused, took a breath, "It won't be with me." he finally said. She definitely not understood his answer. Well, she understood it but she couldn't believe it. She stepped back, looking at him with baffled and dejected eyes.

Jay took a step closer to apologize but the distance between them got extended again by her stepping back.

"All I ever wanted was for life to be beautiful for you. Look at what it has been. And what good am I doing you?!" he added. His face looked devastated. "You deserve so much better than this" he waved his hands in the air referring to the situation "And now, you will never have to worry about me anymore…"

"I can't believe you are doing this to me again… to us!" she yelled at him.

"Listen to me…" he tried to get closer to her but she distanced herself again.

"No! No. You don't get to say goodbye!" she looked at him with her enraged eyes and her jaw clenched. She was so angry right now. She was staring at him, unable to believe how this situation turned out. Her eyes were full of rage and yet full of sadness, filled with tears which only asked to fall down. She tried to hold them but it was in vain. One of them rolled on her cheek. She shook her head and looked down so he wouldn't see it.

"You are lying to yourself!" her voice broke but her tone was angry. "You could have had happiness if you could just believe that someone would want you!" she peered at him trying to tell everything with her eyes. "But you can't take the chance! Now you've made your choice and you're gonna regret it forever. And that's what I want you to remember… that you hurt me." She said in a lower tone.

"Erin, you deserve everything-" Erin raised her hand to make him stop.

"Stop! I don't wanna talk about my future, Jay! Because everything you're saying makes it perfectly clear you aren't gonna be in it." she said before turning around and walking away, swiping the tears with both of her hands on her way out.

"Come on Jay! One day you're gonna have to stop drowning your sorrow in whiskey!" Olivia joked.

Jay faint a fake smile before taking another gulp of his alcohol.

"You don't know what you are talking about!" he replied as he put a hand on his forehead to support his heavy head.

"No you right, I have no idea. Enlighten me then! What is going on again?!" she asked him.

Jay looked at his sister, then looked back at his glass. He took a minute or two before answering. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm in love with her..." he finally admitted. Olivia straightened on her seat as she understood Erin was the reason of his pain. "And It's driving me crazy. I'm out of control." He looked into the space. "I'm in love with a woman I can never have." He drank his glass entirely before putting it down and pouring himself another one. He shook his head painfully, heartbroken. Olivia looked at him, sad about how a wreck his brother was. She tried to find the right words to clear his mind.

"Well, you know what they say… 'If you love somebody set them free and then… if they really love you, they'll come back to you'"

Jay shook his head, still looking into the space. "I didn't push her away so she could come back to me… I've always been comfortable running anyway...in fact...I know no other way!"

"Why do you wanna leave when you have someone that is willing to give you everything you ever wanted?!" she asked. "Love will make you strong Jay! It will make you the man that I know you want to be! And you have to remember that because I won't always be here to remind you!" she placed her hand in his and squeezed it. His brother was such a stubborn man; he couldn't see he was loosing the love of his life. She was swiping away from him.

"I'm doing this because I love her! I want her to live the best life she'll ever have… a life she can't have with me…"

"That's not love! That's fear, Jay. That fear is so powerful it's been overwhelming any love that you feel for her!" she paused, looking at him, trying to shake him. "You run from you fears, you're not living!"

"And yes, real life is sometimes thoughtless and mean but that doesn't cancel out the love. So if you don't love this girl, walk away but if you look at her and you know she is the one, you owe it to yourself to give her a chance! To give YOU a chance!"

Jay scoffed.

"Hey maybe it's crazy, maybe it's irrational but it's there just look the girl in the eyes, it's right there." Olivia said leaning toward him.

Jay didn't respond, he was looking at his glass and drink it all.

"The world is messed up." He whispered.

"Not all of it!" she replied. "Sometimes you make choice in life and sometimes choices make you!" she shrugged her shoulders with a sad smile "life is just this big, fat gigantic sinking mess…that's the beauty of it too"

Jay looked at her sister's eyes and he could read hope in them.

"No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel you must promise me that you'll hold on to hope. Keep it alive. We have to be greater than what we suffer. And even if we fail, what better way is there to live?"

Kim and Erin were together at Kim's place. While Kim had a glass of red wine, Erin reach out for something stronger. She poured herself tequila.

Erin was the one mostly talking. Kim knew she had a lot on her mind and on her heart that needed to be taking out.

"He's..." she shook her head "He's wonderful in a million different ways…and it has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times. But I'm just hopelessly irretrievably in love with him. More than he knows. But he's to broken. He's incapable of love."

Erin drove back to her apartment late, but when she got out from her car and made her way to her building, she saw Olivia, sitting on the stairs. She was waiting outside, for Erin to show up.

"Olivia?!" Erin asked confused. This latter looked up and got up. She made her way toward her and put her hands deep in her pockets.

"I am very zen, I practice yoga, have candies all over my apartment, but I wanna kick your ass so badly right now it's killing me!" she admitted.  
"excuse me?" Erin replied definitely confused.

"I'm talking about Jay. Jay Halstead."

Erin looked down.

"Are you letting him go away? Because I swear to god Erin if you let him leave again…" Olivia stopped, took a deep breath and regained her control.

"What are you doing?!"

"Olivia I tried okay?! He's just… I don't know."

Olivia stepped closer to erin, put her hands on Erin's shoulders and looked at her in a way that is saying _I'm gonna tell it once and once only_

 _From my experience... you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know that you love them so much even when they just drive you completely insane! And no one can explain it and the reason it's so confusing it's because it's because of love. But id love didn't have any chalenges, what would be the point?" she admitted._

Erin was about to respond to that but Olivia just cut her off. "Just think about it!" before walking away. Erin turned around to watch her leave. She sighed and made her way in her building. She wished she could have done something for Jay. But she couldn't be the only one fighting for the both them. She was done with that. She already tried and it got them nowhere.

Erin took a long hot shower and decided to go to bed right after, too tired to do anything else. She looked at her reflection on the mirror, she was a wreck. Her face looked like shit, she could feel that all of her muscle were tensed because of the last exhausting days. All of this stress and angst and fight has exhausted her.

She was about to go to sleep when she heard a knock. She just closed her eyes and sighed. This couldn't be it. She couldn't just have another conversation with anyone, she was too tired, physically and mentally. But the knocked kept ranging at her door. So she rushed to the door, determined to get ride of the person behind the door.

She opened it violently and froze at the person standing on the other side. Then she took back her usual composure.

"You're to late Jay!" she said coldly before closing the door.

"I don't care!" he put his foot between the door and the doorframe and made his way in.

"Just hear me out!" he said as he turned around to look at her. "I was scared of how much I loved you. I was scared of this, this right here." He moved his hand back and forth between the two of them. "Okay?! And yes, I lie and I trick people to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of letting anyone close to me is, is terrifying for obvious reasons but the truth is that I can't imagine waking up, knowing that I won't see you. The truth is I love you. I am so in love with you!" he giggled nervously, relieved that he finally told her what's buried deep into his heart. "And It scares me … You are literally the best person I've ever known and for me to think that I could change you…" he doesn't finish his sentence but he knew she knew what he meant. "You are the best influence on me. You are the good and I need a little good in my life. Because without it, there's an awful lot of darkness…You are… You are the lightest thing that ever came into my life" he whispered the last sentence, looking at her with his ablaze, desirous and electric eyes. Erin looked deep into them. He had no right looking at her like that. It was to easy. And she wasn't gonna fall into this trap again. She gave him so many chances and every time he failed her. She wouldn't handle another painful heartbreak. She shook her head.

"It's to late Jay! I've stood by you through all of this but I can't watch your self destruct any longer! There is no one to blame but yourself." She took a long breath "I can't do this anymore… this is exhausting me, I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't-" her voice broke a little bit more to each words she was saying.

Jay got closer to her, he placed his hands on her cheeks and looked at her right in the eyes.

do you realize what you are to me? What you're always going to be? You are the love of my life...Erin I love you!" he paused. "And I don't wanna spend another day of my life without you…" he looked at her face, her eyes, her nose, her mouth. He smiled, never taking his eyes off her lips.

"So what are you saying?!" she asked.

"I'm saying that I'm staying. You are stuck with me for the rest of our lives!" he finally admitted, still looking at her lips.

"And you have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now." He whispered to her still looking at the same spot. Inside her, it was fireworks and butterflies. She could tell he had never been more honest and ready in his life.

So after a long silence, she looked at his eyes and opened her mouth.

"What's stopping you?"

He looked at her and leant over to kiss her. He could feel her smiling while doing so. She wrapped one hand on behind his neck and the other one came laying on his cheek.

The water was cascading down Erin's hair and all over her body. She has her eyes closed but she knew he is there. He didn't have to say a word. She could feel his eyes watching her as she showered. Her eyes remained closed as she rinsed off the shampoo, along with all the stress and dirt from a busy day.

She finally opened her eyes…just in time to see him slip off his black boxer briefs and step into the standing shower with her. She stepped backwards to allow the shower head to spray him with droplets that did nothing but accentuate his strong shoulders, glisten off of his arms and trickle down his chest. She was thinking how hot the man standing in front of her was.

A splash of water hit her face and she was shaken out of her reverie.

"What are you daydreaming about there, pretty girl?" Jay asked smiling at her while putting a brand of her wet hair behind her ear.

"Nothing…" she put her hands on his chest and looked up to meet his blue ocean eyes.

Then Jay placed his hands on her hips and gently pushed her against the shower wall, starting to kiss her along her neck, her shoulders…

"Did you miss me today?" Erin asked, breathless, her hands travelling around his neck and hair. The two of them took back their job in Intelligence, but no one knew about the two of them. So they had to be as much professional as the could, avoiding to look at each other the way the like to do, to not distract the other.

"Umm…naw, not really" he said, breaking slightly apart, while shaking his head no. "I can think of 10 other places I would rather be right now, instead of showering naked with you…like being in a gym with a bunch of sweaty, smelly men," he teased.

She laughed out loud. They have grown to love and understand each other's sense of sarcastic humor. She knew how to read through his sarcasm to realize that the most important things out of his mouth, are what he does not say.

She kissed him on the lips. What started as an innocent peck, turned into an instant of hunger. His arms gripped around her tighter, as he pressed her even harder against the wall. Her arms were around his neck as their lips melt into one and her tongue searched out his.

Their time apart this day has only made their kisses even more intense and their carnal desires even harder to fight. She missed him terribly and her heart and body just won't let her pull away from his kisses. Finally, he stopped and willed himself to pull away. Erin doesn't know how he does it, but Jay has always had more willpower than her.

"Whew…" he said, while catching his breath. "We've got to stop before I lose all self-control in the shower." He chuckled.

He gently got his hands off of her hips. Erin had already finished washing herself up but she grabbed their two bath sponges and poured body wash into both…one for him and one for her…so that they could wash each other down. They have been secretly dating for a few days now. Out of respect for Logan but also because they thought it would be best if they kept things out of the team for now, going slowly on their relationship.

Anyway, this wasn't their first shower together. They have this routine and it is a habit Erin loves.

She turned her back to him so he could scrub her down…first her back, then her neck. Jay got closer to her, pressing his torso against her back. She was locked between the wall and his body while he kissed her bare shoulders, her neck.

She then placed her hands on the shower wall to support herself silently begging him not to stop. Then he spun her around to face him. His lips began a trail of kisses down her neck, towards her collarbone, down her chest as a moan escaped her mouth. She then pulled him back to the wall behind him and slammed him against it where she can feel his skin.

She started washing his chest…his shoulders…his neck…. His face was serious and his eyes were zoomed in on her beautiful face. He simply placed little soft kisses everywhere as he was still gently scrubbing her lower back. Gosh… she wished he didn't have such restraint.

Then Jay suddenly put his mouth over her lips. His hands are all over her ass…Then she leant herself closer to him and held onto the back of his head. The shower was hitting her back…this felt like a dream… His hands slowly moved from her butt to her hips. Her fingers scaling through his hair while his muscular arms form a hold across her back, bringing them closer than imaginable. Meanwhile, her tongue begs for access.

She can do nothing but smile as their tongues dance together. After a moment, both of them started shivering as the shower grew colder. Erin finally turned the water off.

He hugged her tenderly and placed little pecks all over her cheeks. He got out of the shower, soon followed by her.

Jay grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Then he grabbed a towel for Erin and slowly dried her off. She looked into his face…and he is smiling at her…hard. She never saw him this happy. If she had known they had to go through everything they had to see him smiling like this, she wouldn't have believed it. And it made her chuckle.

"Wait, are you laughing at me?" he asked giggling too.

"Yes. Don't ask me why…"

"Why are you laughing at me?! I'm not doing anything but drying you off."

They both laugh for a few seconds before they calmed down. They look into each other before Erin raised her hand up to his hair to stroke them. Her face is all serious now and so is his. They have been waiting for moments like this so much they can't even believe they are together right now.

"I love you Jay" Erin began to say, looking from his hair to his eyes. Her hand moved down to his chest. "I always have loved you" she whispered with her raspy voice "ever since the first day that I met you, I have felt everything for you."

His eyes sparkled. He painted a ray of sunshine all over his face. There was something about the way he smiled; the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of his stomach. This was the first time she was saying that she loved him.

Erin smiled to herself. She loved the warm afterglow she got when she sees him so happy. He got this cheesy smile, the ones where his dimples show…and she loves knowing that she is the reason behind it. He had the kind of smile that made her feel happy to be alive.

At that comment, he picked her up off the floor and carried her out of the bathroom…with her squealing and laughing in his arms.

They both laying were in Erin's bed. While Jay was sleeping like a baby on his belly, his hands under the pillow, Erin was looking at him, her elbow supporting her head. She was caressing his back with her fingers.

"Good morning" Jay said, his eyes still closed but with a smile across his face.

"Good morning to you too" Erin replied.

When Jay eyes slowly opened it was to a smile that belonged to a very beautiful woman. Jay loved Erin's morning look. Her curly brown hair, those eyes looking intensely at him that Jay couldn't get enough. In one quick movement, Jay pulled Erin on her back and put himself onto of her before kissing her.

"This is a good way to start a day…" Erin giggled. Jay smiled. He momentary stopped to look at the woman under him and placed a band of her behind her ear.

"You look good this morning!"

Erin bent closer to him to catch his lips and in one rotation, she was on top of him. "Let's go eat breakfast before work!" she said before pulling away from him and making her way to the kitchen. Jay quickly followed her.

Erin stayed at the district longer than Jay because of the amount of paperwork on her desk. She just wanted to get ride of it once and for all. When she came back to her apartment, Jay was already in bed, she leant herself against the doorframe of her bedroom, looking at his man in a deep sleep. The streetlights showed his smooth golden skin and those muscular arms of his.

Erin slowly lowers her arms down onto the bed and began to crawl upward so that she was position right on top of Jay. She lowered her lips to meet the back of Jay's neck and gave it a nice gentle kiss. Jay's left hand automatically moved to the kiss spot. Erin was trying hard to hold her giggles in. She bent her head again but this time she lingered for a bit after the kiss, slowly she made her way up Jay's smooth neck to his ear. Erin's lips were right next to Jay's ear "I'm home" she whispers. Jay's lips slowly curled into a smile, but his eyes were still close. Upon seeing his smile Erin knew he was awake and ready for her.

Jay craned his neck around to see Erin but his neck wouldn't turn that far. He twisted his body around so now he was lying on his back and Erin still hovering over him.

"Hey Gorgeous" said Jay with a sleepy smile on his face.

"Hey handsome" she replied.

They stayed in that position for a while just looking and smiling at each other. Looking at each other and being in that moment just felt right, as if the world stood still in celebration of their love and affection for one another. Erin couldn't stand it any longer; she lowered herself down to Jay's waiting lips. First, it was a sweet, gentle kiss and they both giggled, as if they were kissing for the very first time. Then came a deep passionate kiss between two lovers. They continued with their kissing and soon it become a full on made out session. Hard kisses, hands running down their bodies and into their hair. Erin was still on top, Jay's hands running up and down Erin's smooth, gentle back.

Still kissing, Jay stopped abruptly and just stared at Erin. He couldn't believe that she was his and only his. He knew how Erin felt about him, but for some reason, in that moment, he felt like the luckiest man in the whole world.

"What's wrong?" asked Erin.

"Nothing, I was just thinking" answered Jay.

"About what?" she asked.

"do you remember the first night we spent together, when we crossed Voight's limit" Jay asked.

Erin looked deep into his eyes while remembering the first time they had sex.

"Yeah… why?"

"this was the night I knew you were the one." He replied with a smile. "This wasn't just sex for me… it was much more"

"Well, I knew way longer than that that I loved you."

"Why didn't you ever say something?"

"I guess I was just scared of admitting it, of what it meant if I did." She replied sadly with her raspy voice Jay loved so much. "I mean this would have meant that we would be separated by Voight and one of us would be out of intelligence. And I didn't want that."

She paused. "so burying my love was a much better way than not being in each other's life." She stared at his beautiful ocean, fiery eyes.

With that they both smiled at each other. Jay gently kissed Erin's lips than slid over to her left cheek continuing the pattern of small, gentle kisses he moved from Erin's cheek to her smooth, soft neck and down to her collar bone.

That was Jay's favourite spot, Erin's collar bone. The small, gentle kisses slid from the left side of the collar bone to the right, back up Erin's neck, onto her right cheek and back onto those full lips of her. Jay couldn't take it anymore, he rolled Erin over. Now Erin was on the bottom and Jay on top. He began to slowly move down Erin's chest, making sure not to move too fast.

As he moved down to Erin's nice, flat stomach he stopped and looked up to see Erin's face. Erin's eyes were close and her head slightly tilted back.

Jay continued making his way down to Erin's stomach and blew raspberry kisses which caused Erin to laugh and giggle all at the same time.

"Stop that! You know how ticklish I get when you do that"

"Oh, I know" replied Jay with a devilish grin on his face before continuing whatever he started.

Erin's laugher subsided as the sound of pleasure took over once again.

Jay's mouth felt so hot, it was driving Erin crazy. She wanted to scream with pleasure.

He could hear Erin's breathing becoming faster and faster. Suddenly Erin's hands were stroking Jay's hair. Then she gripped them and pulled his head back up so she could kiss him.

The room was filled with their groaning orgasms, sweat, heat, sex and the sound of skin on skin. Erin wrapped her left arm around Jay's sweaty chest and pulled him closer.

The room was silent, but their breathing was still heavy. Erin was lying on Jay's chest, her hand running slowly up and down Jay's left arm. Jay bent his head and kissed Erin on the forehead. They never had to say much after love making, they just wanted to be in each other arms. After a while Erin's eyelids starts to feel heavy. It has been a long day for her after all. But it was all worth it because now she was home, home to Jay. With that thought her eyes finally closed and a smile spread across her face as she fell into a wonderful sleep. Jay looked up and saw that Erin had fallen asleep. He kissed Erin's hair and fell asleep himself.

 **END? SHOULD i START A NEW ONE? IF YOU HAVE IDEAS PLEASE TELL ME GUYS! REVIEW! HOPE YOU LIKED IT!**


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